Christmas arrives and there is an unexpected development in Myka and Helena's relationship
Two weeks later, it was Christmas Eve. She was at Pete and Steve's apartment drinking eggnog. Steve had already gone for Christmas, to spend the holiday with his family in Leicester. Pete was drinking something that he described as eggnog with less nog and more egg. It looked disgusting, like custard and bogeys, and Myka didn't care to enquire any further as to the contents.
"So, how are you doing, Miss StudMuffin 2014? Any more action with you and teacher?"
"No. I haven't seen her," Myka said thoughtfully. "I have been avoiding her, actually. Since we talked last time, and I asked what would happen if I kissed her."
Pete looked at her sympathetically. He was on the floor leaning against the couch, and she was lying full length on said couch, her legs overhanging the end. She was drinking her eggnog with the aid of a straw to combat the difficulties of drinking while lying down. The straw was stripy, because Pete knew she liked stripy things, and he was trying to cheer her up. Myka thought Pete was awesome.
"Things will work out."
"I don't think so, Pete. I think that she wants me, yeah. But I don't think she has feelings for me, not like that. I think she just cares for me as a friend. It hurts, but I'll get over it."
He gave her a look.
"You're crazy, Mykes. I see the way she looks at you. I think you just need to give it time. She just broke up with the wicked witch, like, five minutes ago."
Pete passed her a deep-fried something or another that he'd just brought from the kitchen. Myka popped it into her mouth, still brooding about Helena.
"Do you think I should cancel for Boxing Day? Say I'm sick, or something?"
Pete shook his head.
"I think that the last thing you want to do right now is to disappoint Christina. Both because you are a nice person and because it will probably mean that Helena will never forgive you."
"That's a very good point. What is this that you're feeding me? It's delicious."
"I knew you'd like that. After your first few nogs, anyway. It's deep fried mars bar. A guy in the orchestra gave me the recipe. He's from Glasgow. It's a delicacy up there, apparently."
Myka giggled. Perhaps she had drunk a few too many nogs. It was just as well she was walking home.
Pete walked her home and kissed her on the cheek as they stood on the pavement outside her apartment.
"Merry Christmas, Mykes. Say hi to Becky and Jack for me."
"I will. Merry Christmas, Pete. Say Merry Christmas to Amanda from me."
Christmas Day dawned and it was not, as the postcards would have one believe, snowy and crisp and beautiful. It was, rather, damp and drizzly and just as dreary as everyone had warned her Manchester would be. She wasn't really bothered, though. The fact that she was away from her parents was enough. It could be a screaming blizzard outside and she'd probably still smile.
She finished wrapping the presents she'd bought for Jack and Rebecca – a DVD of Jack's favourite comedian and a bottle of Rebecca's favourite perfume – and made the drive over to their house. As soon as she stepped inside, she relaxed. The house smelled like good food and Christmas and happiness. She was immediately enveloped in a huge hug by Jack, followed by a smaller but no less enthusiastic embrace from Rebecca. They exchanged gifts over a glass of Bailey's and then ate. Dinner was gut-bustingly delicious. Myka fell asleep before dessert and when she woke up, Jack was smiling indulgently at her from his armchair.
"It's so nice to have you here, sweetheart. Sam would be so glad to know that you still come here even after…" Jack said, his voice catching a little bit on his son's name. Christmas was hard for them, Myka knew. It was hard for her too, for many reasons. Her family in Colorado, losing Sam, being alone. And this year, missing Helena.
"Did something happen? With Helena?" Jack asked, frowning slightly at Myka's expression.
"Um…yeah. I won't go into details, but let's just say that something happened between us – after she broke up with her girlfriend, I might add – and she wasn't ready for a relationship, so it was just a one-time thing. I think she feels something for me, I'm just not sure what. And unfortunately, what happened only made my feelings stronger."
Rebecca leaned over and took Myka's hand.
"I'm sorry, love. I'm sure she'll come round. If she's got any sense, that is."
"I hope you're right."
Jack and Becky continued to overfeed Myka until she finally had to admit defeat. They played Trivial Pursuit until the early hours of the morning, and then Myka went home, after many hugs and promises to come and see them again soon.
The next morning she was incredibly nervous. She had little reason to be, really, because she was going to be with Christina and Charles as well as Helena. If she was on her own with Helena – well, that would be a different matter. She dressed in a silly Christmas jumper someone had bought for her the year before – it may have been Leena – and a comfy pair of jeans. She also wore her glasses – for two reasons, the first being that she was completely exhausted and couldn't be bothered with her contact lenses, and the second being that she thought she was much less attractive when she wore her glasses. So Helena would have no reason to be uncomfortable and think that Myka was coming on to her, after their awkward encounter in Helena's office – another lapse in judgement for which Myka was berating herself endlessly.
When Helena opened the door just before midday, she was silent for an uncomfortable amount of time, from Myka's perspective at least. After what felt like an hour of Helena staring at her without speaking, Myka spoke.
"Did you not mean it when you invited me? Or did I miss a message calling today off?"
"What?" Helena said, apparently completely confused.
"You've been staring at me for about a minute, Helena. Is everything okay?"
Helena seemed to come back to herself, then.
"Oh, of course. I'm so sorry, Myka. Come in, please."
As Myka walked into the house ahead of her, Helena collapsed back against the door for a moment, groaning quietly. If Myka had been closer, she would have heard her say, "Why did she have to wear her glasses?"
Christina was overjoyed to see Myka, and she flung herself at high speed from the sofa to Myka, hitting her stomach with all the force one would expect from an exuberant 9-year old. Myka doubled over slightly, letting out a small noise that sounded like 'oof', which made Christina giggle.
"Merry Christmas, sweetie," Myka managed, once she got her breath back.
"You too, Myka," Christina said, squeezing her even more tightly.
Myka bent over to kiss the little girl's head, and to hide the fact that there were tears in her eyes. She would never get used to the unselfconscious way that Christina expressed affection. It was so lovely to be around, to be on the receiving end of. It just showed that her childhood – Giselle aside – was filled with love, unlike Myka's.
"So, did Santa bring you anything, young lady? Or did you just get coal?" Myka teased.
"I did not get coal!" Christina exclaimed, frowning fiercely. Then she pulled Myka over to the Christmas tree to show her the truly impressive haul of presents she had received from Santa. Myka listened carefully to the little girl's explanation of each present and who it was from, and then asked if she'd seen Myka's present. Christina pulled the cutest quizzical expression, and Myka pointed at an area near the back of the tree.
"Isn't that it, over there?" she asked.
When Christina turned to look, she pulled the wrapped book from behind her back and put it in front of Christina. When the little girl turned round, she was unimpressed at the trickery, but only for so long as it took her to realise that she had another present. It was another Tamora Pierce story; one that Myka had already cleared with Helena as being suitable for Christina. The girl's squeal of delight was deafening. She began reading it immediately, become absorbed straight away and leaving Myka sitting on the floor beside her and the pile of presents.
"Kids," Myka said to herself, shaking her head. She looked up and Helena was watching her with that strange expression on her face again. Myka raised an eyebrow.
"Everything okay there, Dr Wells?" she asked.
"Yes, of course. Sorry."
Myka lifted herself off the floor with a groan and moved to the sofa.
"Where's Charles?" she asked a still-staring Helena.
"Bit of a hangover – he'll be up shortly. He's in the guest room," Helena said.
Myka looked at her. Helena had such a strange look on her face.
"Hey," Myka said softly, "is everything okay? You seem distracted. I can head home if you want – I don't want to intrude. I'm sure Christina won't notice – at least until she finishes her book, anyway."
Helena shook her head.
"No, of course not, Myka. I invited you because we want you here. I'm sorry. It's just…" she trailed off, obviously upset.
"Hey. Come on, Helena. Let me get you some tea."
Myka walked through to the kitchen and put the kettle on, grabbing cups and teabags and sugar and milk as she went. She turned around and Helena was standing in the kitchen doorway watching her.
"How did you remember where everything was?" she asked, momentarily distracted from whatever was upsetting her.
"I have an eidetic memory, Helena. I thought you knew that," Myka said as she fixed two cups of tea.
"I'm not sure I did know that, actually. That must be helpful."
"I'm not sure I would characterise it that way, exactly," Myka said, bringing the tea over to the small table and sitting down. "It means never forgetting anything, which brings its own set of problems. There are plenty of things I would like to forget." She stared into her tea for a moment. "But I didn't ever really need to study for exams. I did it anyway, because my dad insisted, but I didn't need to. And I don't need to carry around sheet music – not for me, at least. Once I've seen it, I know it."
"That does sound like an advantage. Why didn't you become a performer, rather than a teacher? I've heard you play; you are more than good enough," Helena asked curiously, taking a sip of her tea.
"I didn't enjoy it. I did it for a couple of years after I finished my degree, and I built a bit of a reputation as a classical guitarist. But I'm just not cut out for performing in front of people. I enjoyed studio work a lot more, because I didn't have to perform in front of an audience. But teaching was the thing that really interested me, and when Pete told about this post, especially because it was so far away, I was sold."
Helena looked at her sympathetically.
"You really didn't have a good time at home, did you?"
Myka shook her head, avoiding Helena's eyes.
"So, what's going on, Helena? You don't seem like yourself. Is it what happened with us? Is it too awkward? Because really, I can go. I don't mind."
Helena put her hand on Myka's arm lightly.
"It's not you, Myka. It's my first Christmas without Giselle, and while I'm not sorry to see the back of her in the circumstances, I am upset. Because all this time she has been treating Christina the way she has, and I didn't even notice. And she obviously didn't really want to be with me either, because she has been cheating on me for God knows how long. I just…I saw how you were with Christina just now, and I…I wish that she had that growing up. I mean that because I was so bloody blind, I have deprived her of the experience of having two parents who loved her."
Myka breathed out softly. She wasn't going to read into that too much, because Helena was upset and hurt and confused.
"Christina is fine, Helena. She's a smart, resilient kid. And she has had you all this time, loving her. That's more than a lot of kids get."
Helena looked at her, her eyes seeing probably more than Myka would have liked her to.
"I'm sorry, Myka. Your parents were fools if they couldn't see what a wonderful person you are."
Myka's eyes filled with tears, and she brushed them away angrily. Helena squeezed her arm.
"So. What did Santa Claus bring you, Myka?" she asked, brightly.
They chatted about presents and inconsequential things for a while over tea while Christina sat on the floor in the living room, quite lost in her book. Charles appeared eventually, looking very much like a bearded version of Joseph Fiennes. He kissed Myka's cheek, flirting outrageously even though he was still more than half-asleep. He was impeccably dressed in trousers and shirt, however, as usual. The Wellses never had a hair out of place, so far as Myka could tell, even when they woke up in the morning. That thought took her to places her mind was trying to avoid and she turned her attention with an effort to whatever Charles was talking about. A business he was planning to buy somewhere near Birmingham. Helena was expressing her disgust with anything to do with Birmingham, apparently because of the accent. Myka accused her of being a snob. The conversation degenerated into good natured heckling, and Christina was finally roused from her reading to come in and find out what all the fuss was about. The day went by quickly, with a pleasant dinner cooked by Charles and a long game of Monopoly which was won by Charles, with Christina coming a close second. Myka loved every minute of it, and was trying hard not to get used to the feeling of being here, being with this family, with the woman that she loved. It was a special kind of torture – a picture of an alternate universe where Myka had everything that she wanted, but a universe that was just beyond her reach. She could have cried, however, when Christina insisted that Myka put her to bed and she turned to check it was okay with Helena, only to see tears in Helena's eyes. She stepped closer to Helena and asked in a low voice if she was okay.
"I'm fine. It's fine, Myka. It's just…what we talked about before. Please, go. Read to her. I'm sorry."
Myka squeezed her hand and went upstairs to read Christina a story.
Christina fell asleep leaning against Myka's side, and Myka was trying to figure out a way to extricate herself without waking her when she looked up to see Helena watching her from the doorway.
"She does that on purpose, you know," Helena said, in a low voice. "She wants you to cuddle with her. She used to do it when she was little – she would hold on to my leg or my arm and fall asleep so I couldn't leave. She hasn't done it for a long time. She really likes you." The look in her eyes was sad and wistful. Myka's heart twisted. She gently moved the little girl, careful not to wake her, and wrapped her up in her duvet. She switched off the lamp and stepped out of the room carefully, following Helena downstairs.
When they reached the living room, Charles was gone.
"He had to go back to his office – some sort of crisis in Japan, I think he said. He apologises for not saying goodbye," Helena said, sitting in the armchair. Myka froze where she was. Her safety blanket for today was Charles and Christina, and now neither of them were here.
"Relax, Myka," Helena said, frowning a little. "If it seems that anything untoward is going to happen, I shall bundle you out the door."
Myka eyed her uncertainly. She wasn't sure she wanted to be here alone with Helena. Well, she was damn sure she did, truth be told, but she wanted to be alone with her in exactly those untoward circumstances that Helena had mentioned.
"You can go, if you want, Myka," Helena said heavily. "I am sorry I have allowed my moment of weakness to damage our friendship."
But she suddenly looked small and sad and Myka was screwed. Because she couldn't say no to Helena; that was the problem. She sat down and picked up the glass of wine she'd been drinking, offering Helena a silent toast. Helena turned on the television and they sat in companionable silence for a while, watching a two year old Christmas special of Little Britain.
"They always show repeats, why is that?" Helena mused aloud.
"I guess paying for new content would mean lower profits. And we're still watching it, so it would appear that their business model is working out pretty well for them," Myka said, lightly. Helena flashed her a devastating smile. Damn, but the woman was sexy. Myka took another drink from her glass.
They watched the end of the show and then decided on a fairly new film that was just starting. By the time it finished, Myka had been asleep for about an hour, she calculated as she opened her eyes and checked her watch. It was late. She looked up to find Helena watching her from the armchair.
"Hey," she said, a little hoarsely.
"Hey, yourself," Helena said, giving her an easy smile that made Myka's stomach turn over. It was definitely time to go.
"You can stay, you know. Charles is very good, he changes the bedding as soon as he gets up. He says it's the least he can do."
Myka shook her head.
"Thanks, but I don't think that's the best idea. I'll get a cab home. I drank a little too much to drive home." She stood up, picking up her phone and wallet.
Helena looked at her for a long moment, eyes unfathomable.
"I am sorry, you know. If we hadn't…you would have stayed, before."
"I would. But things were different, then. And like I said, you have nothing to be sorry for. I was there too. I made the decision to spend the night with you."
"And I shouldn't have asked."
"Maybe not. But we did what we did, and nothing will change that now. And much as I think we would both enjoy a repeat performance, I think it would be the end of us being friends. And I don't want that. I care about you a lot and I don't want to lose you, Helena."
"I don't want to lose you either, Myka."
How they went from there to Helena's bed, Myka wasn't sure. Her eidetic memory, for once, was hazy on the details. But she was sure that Helena's dark eyes had something to do with it. And that smile. And the way Helena bit her lip when she said she didn't want to lose Myka. She wasn't sure who moved first, but she was pretty clear after a moment that no cab would be called. She was fairly clear on that fact because Helena's hands were in her pants about a second after her own name left Helena's lips. And because her own hands were in Helena's hair, and Helena's bottom lip was in a bruising grip between Myka's teeth. And because Helena took her, once again, against a door.
The next morning, things were complicated. When Myka woke up in Helena's bed, she was alone. And she could hear Christina and Helena talking downstairs. She groaned. This was not good. Not only had they fucked like horny teenagers for most of the night, again, but now she was in Helena's bed and Helena's daughter was downstairs. And she knew that Helena didn't want a relationship with her, that this was just sex. She resisted the urge to scream as she once again found herself in the situation of a morning after with Helena. She briefly considered an attempt at sneaking out, but she wasn't the stealthiest at the best of times, so it didn't seem overly likely to succeed. Instead, she went to the bathroom and showered, re-dressing in her clothes from the day before. Coming downstairs smelling like sex and wine didn't seem like the best start to the day when she was dealing with Helena's nine-year old daughter.
She felt a little better after her shower, but she was still uncertain about what to do when she left the bathroom. She was dressed and she had her belongings, so she squared her shoulders and went downstairs.
"Morning, Myka," Christina said distractedly as she contemplated a large Lego creation that she was constructing in the middle of the living room.
"Hey, Christina," Myka said, feeling a little lost.
Helena came in from the kitchen and handed Myka a cup of tea.
"Good morning, Myka," she said, brightly. "We're just constructing something from Star Wars, I believe. What is it, Christina?"
"The Millenium Falcon, mum," Christina said, with a long-suffering sigh and an eye roll as she continued in her construction.
"How silly of me," Helena murmured. She indicated for Myka to follow her to the kitchen.
Myka sat at the table, sipping her tea. Helena came to sit with her and took her hand.
"Did you sleep okay?" she asked, rubbing her fingers across Myka's knuckles.
Myka took a deep breath. Helena's hand in hers felt so good, it was intensely distracting.
"Yes, I did. I was a little tired, for some reason," she said with a wry smile.
Helena smiled softly.
"As was I. I suppose we should talk, shouldn't we?"
Myka looked at her uncertainly. What was there to talk about? Helena had made herself clear the last time, and this wasn't supposed to happen again.
"I don't know, Helena."
Helena turned Myka's hand over in her own and stroked the palm softly with her index finger. Myka shivered.
"Let me rephrase that. I think we should talk. I have something to say."
"Okay…" Myka said.
"I think…I would like to take you on a date. It seems a little redundant, in a way, since we've already done…well, you were there…"
Myka's mouth dropped open.
"What?"
"I said, I would like to take you on a date. Was I speaking another language?" Helena asked, teasingly.
"I thought...with Giselle and everything. You didn't want…this."
"Well, whatever I said, it appears that I can't resist this. I can't resist you."
Myka's heart leapt.
"Are you sure about this, Helena? Because I don't think my heart can take it if you don't mean it."
"Myka. I want you, fiercely."
Something low in Myka's belly twisted.
"And not only that, I care about you, a great deal. A lot. I think I might even…" Myka's hand on her mouth interrupted what Helena was about to say.
"No. Don't say that, Helena. Not unless you mean it. Not unless you know. Please."
Helena stared at her for a moment, and then deliberately bit down on Myka's palm where it rested against her mouth. Myka moved her hand away after a moment, trying not to leap onto Helena's lap and beg to be taken right there.
Helena continued, her eyes on Myka's.
"Fair enough. But I think it is in our interests to explore whatever this is between us. Because I think that we probably went far past the point, last night, where it would be reasonable for us to continue being just friends. Don't you?"
Myka just stared.
"You were going to say that, when you came downstairs. That you didn't think we could be friends any more. Weren't you?"
Myka nodded, her eyes on Helena's.
"I can't accept that, Myka. I don't want to think about you not being in my life. And last night…it was incredible. You are incredible. So please, will you go on a date with me, Myka Bering?"
Myka nodded, dumbly. Helena leaned over and kissed her softly, just once, and then beamed at her.
She spent most of the rest of the day with Helena and Christina, helping the youngest Wells to construct her Millenium Falcon from Lego. By mid-afternoon, though, she was exhausted.
"Ladies, I think I'm gonna have to head home. I need some sleep. You Wells girls have stolen all my energy," she said dramatically.
"Old people," Christina said disparagingly.
"Oi, you. Less of that. You'll be as old as us one day, and then you'll know all about it, young lady," Myka said, tickling the girl mercilessly until she apologised.
"Are you sure, Myka?" Helena asked, looking a little disappointed.
"Well, I am going to be asleep soon, and unless you want to listen to me snoring, I think it would be a good idea for me to get back to my own place before that happens."
She smiled softly at Helena, who grinned back.
"I don't suppose any of us need to listen to that, now do we?" she said, with a haughty expression. Christina shook her head solemnly and Myka gave them both a mock glare.
She gave Christina a hug goodbye, and the distracted little girl went right back to her Lego. Helena saw her to the door.
"Thanks for having me over," Myka said, smiling.
"No, thank you. For being so amazing with Christina."
They smiled at each other in silence for a moment, and then Helena, after a quick look over her shoulder to make sure Christina was still safely ensconced in the living room with her Lego, leaned over to kiss Myka extremely thoroughly. Myka was left breathless and dazed.
"Are you sure you won't stay?" Helena asked, a mischievous smirk on her face.
"Uh…I'm sure I want to. But I don't put out before the first date," Myka smiled.
"Unless I am very much mistaken, my dear Myka, you did indeed put out before the first date."
"Well, that was before I knew there was going to be a first date, so…" Myka smiled.
"It's all your fault, you know," Helena said, suddenly serious.
"What?" Myka asked, her head tilted in concern.
"I could have resisted you. I was fine, until you showed up wearing that ridiculous jumper and wearing your glasses," Helena said, with a half-smile on her face.
"My glasses? Why? I wore them on purpose, so you would know I wasn't trying to…you know, after your office a few weeks ago. I didn't want you to think I was trying to push you into anything. So I wore my most dorky sweater and my glasses."
"Well, then, my dear, you have failed miserably. Because I can't resist you when you look so adorable."
Helena kissed her again.
"Now, if you want to get out of here, you had better go, because if you continue to stand there looking like that, I will not be held responsible for my actions," Helena said in a growl.
Myka backed away, her hands held up in surrender.
"I'm going. See you soon, Dr Wells."
When she got home, Myka slept straight through to the next morning. It wasn't surprising, considering how little sleep she'd actually managed the night before. When she woke, she had a text message from Helena.
Date night tonight? If you're not busy? Hx
Myka smiled, a smile that she would have been embarrassed for another human to see, it was so wide.
That depends, Dr Wells. Do you expect a girl to put out on the first date?
The reply took only a minute.
I should bloody hope so, because I arranged for Christina to stay with Charles.
Myka laughed.
Should I not have said that?
She laughed even harder.
Relax. I have every intention of persuading you to put out on the first date. Should I wear my glasses?
She went to get in the shower, but before she stepped in, her phone beeped at her.
Only if you don't want to get past the first course.
Myka grinned and sent a quick reply.
Getting in the shower now. Get your mind out of the gutter, Dr Wells. See you tonight.