Chapter 7:
Unworthy
Marriage was a tedious affair, just as Bella had expected. The days at the Lestrange Estate stretched like sticky toffee. While Rodolphus was constantly busy with the family's finances, Bella had to amuse herself in the company of his brother and bothersome mother. She didn't like it most of the time, but soon she discovered that the other possibilities weren't any better; Her mother and sister came for tea once a week, just to bore her with long stories about the preparations for Narcissa's wedding in November. Diagon Alley had lost its charm after a few visits per week, as did Knockturn Ally, after wasting hundreds of Gallons on things she didn't really need.
But there were also moments of pleasure in the dreary routine of her day. Bella's regular morning quarrel with her mother-in-law would usually keep her blood boiling for an hour or two each morning; And, oddly enough, her husband's 16 year old brother turned out to be good company. They had a lot in common, including the tendency to get bored with life on the estate, and a great love for pranking muggles.
"Will you come to our adjuration next week?" Rabastan asked her one day, about a month after the wedding. It was a cloudy day, and the two competed who would be more creative in tripping the muggles who passed behind the fence, unaware of the existence of the Lestrange Mansion. Apart from the prohibition of using a feet-lock curse, the game had no rules.
"Don't be ridiculous, Rabastan. Do you think I won't come to my own adjuration?"
"Since when is it yours?"
"Since I decided it was." She cursed one muggle to beat another until he fell.
"Well done," Rabastan praised her. "But what if the Dark Lord refuses to accept you? You have to prove yourself before he lets you into the Inner Circle – "
"Prove myself? I don't recall you and Rodolphus doing anything other than being born from the right father."
"Hey, I – "
"Sneaking out of the castle with your friends from Slytherin and pulling pranks doesn't count. Everyone did that."
"Whatever." He caused three muggles to fall one on top of the other like dominoes. "Hey, wanna see something nice?"
After a few minutes they were already walking down the muggle street, chatting cheerfully and mocking the muggle fashions and strange inventions. The muggles themselves stared at them as they passed, the robes looking as strange to them as the sneakers and jeans looked strange to the wizard and the witch. They pointed to them and turned the attention of their friends, curious and enthusiastic like a bunch of monkeys. Bella had to use magic only once, when muggle in a large metal box nearly hit her; And if that wasn't bad enough, he then proceeded to make annoying beeping noises and shouted to her to clear the way.
Bella and Rabastan strolled for a while, past shop windows that displayed strange clothes and ridiculous accessories. The only shop window that didn't make them laugh was a store that sold a variety of craftsman's masks. There was one mask that caught Bella's attention in particular; it was made of black silk dotted with silver stars, like the night sky, with a single pearl in the shape of the waning moon. She wanted to go in and take it for herself, but Rabastan pulled her away, claiming they would miss the show.
"Nice" was not the right word to describe that show – "Hilarious" was a better definition. Sitting beside Rabastan on the wall of Buckingham Palace, invisible to the eyes of muggles, she burst out laughing at the muggles in the red suits and huge woolen hats, who called themselves the Royal Guard, as they walked around like ducks and preformed silly ceremonies. The admiration and curiosity of the muggles who gathered around to see the ridiculous ceremony only added to her and Rabastan's mockery.
They returned to the estate in high spirits, but their acceleration didn't last long. Old Mrs. Lestrange was waiting for them at the door, next to a poor looking house elf who looked like she didn't know whether to feel self-pride or guilt.
Rodolphus insisted on taking the task of punishment on himself, as was customary. Bella felt triumph at her mother-in-law's disagreement; Both of them knew that if it were up to Rodolphus, the young Mrs. Lestrange could get away with almost anything.
And so it was. She stood by her husband while he scolded his younger brother, who sat on a chair in the middle of their father's old study. She tried hard not to laugh, and it seemed that her efforts were infecting Rabastan.
"It was a childish, stupid thing to do," Rodolphus said sternly. "And also a serious felony. You're very lucky that no wizard saw you, otherwise you would have been fined, or even sent to Azkaban. And I wouldn't have wasted a sickle to save your skin. Is this amusing to you?"
"No," Rabastan lied, suppressing a grin.
"So wipe that smile off your face. I'm beginning to regret asking the Dark Lord to swear you to his service. In a week you will become a member of the highest and most respected league in Britain, and you still can't act like an adult."
"But that's what Death Eaters do," Rabastan insisted. "They're not afraid of the muggles, they're proud of who they are!"
"No self-respecting Death Eater would have put himself on display like that," said Rodolphus. "The only ones who run riots around muggles are bored boys who aspire to be important, the kind of boys you use to be friends with. The time has come for you to grow up and realize that a Death Eater is a respectable wizard who aspires for power and knowledge rather than foolish amusement. You may go to your room now. I expect you to think seriously about what I said."
Rabastan left and closed the door behind him. Bella could still hear the slight laugh that found its way out of his mouth.
"You've dealt with the matter successfully," said the old Mrs. Lestrange, who was sitting in the chair behind the desk. "Now we shall deal with the second matter, which is your wife."
"Bellatrix and I will discuss the problem privately," said Rodalphus, realizing that if he didn't separate the two, a quarrel would begin immediately. "With your permission, Mother."
Mrs. Lestrange motioned them to leave with dissatisfaction.
"You've acted very irresponsibly, Bella," said Rodolphus as she got ready for bed.
"You can't really blame me," Bella cooed as she put on her favorite silk house robe. "You're busy all day and I'm bored."
"You could help my mother run the household."
"Come on, Rodolphus – I'm bored, I'm not looking for torture. Except that you know she gets a seizure every time she even imagines I'm trying to take her place."
She walked to Rodolphus, who was sipping his whisky in an armchair by the fire, and settled in his lap. He immediately seemed more pacified.
"And speaking of your mother – did you notice she sent a house elf to spy on me?"
"That's ridiculous Bella. Why would she spy on you?"
"I can come up with a dozen answers without even trying."
"You're being paranoid."
"We'll see about that."
She snatched his glass and took a sip, then kissed him deeply on the mouth. His hand went to caress her bare thigh, then slipped upward to undo her robe. As he was busy with the belt she said to him, "Don't be angry with Rabastan. He's just a boy, he deserves to have some fun."
"No. He's almost an adult wizard. He needs to learn to take responsibility for his actions."
He put his mouth to her nipple and the discussion ended. Bella didn't complain – Rodolphus obviously wasn't angry with her.
A week later the three of them went to the Malfoy Manor, where the Dark Lord was to host Lucius Malfoy and the Lestrange brothers' adjuration. Narcissa had told Bella that it was the only thing her fiance talked about these days – the Dark Lord this, the Dark Lord that.
As Bella walked into the drawing room on her husband's arm, she imagined she wouldn't have done otherwise. She wasn't sure she would have been able to hold back her excitement if the Dark Lord would have honored her and her husband by staying in their home, even if only for one night.
The room hadn't been decorated for the occasion. All the curtains were drawn on the high windows to block the rays of the setting sun, and the only light in the room was provided by the fire that burned in the fireplace, though it was a warm evening.
Bella felt herself beginning to sweat in her fine black dress as she kneeled on the carpet between Rodolphus and Lucius Malfoy, in front of the armchair that occupied the Dark Lord. The supporters, dressed in their black hoods and ceremonial adorned silver masks, surrounded him in a semicircle according to their status. Bella felt a dozen eyes staring at her from behind the masks, but she saw only the Dark Lord.
His eyes focused on each of the three men who would soon become his followers. She felt a burning need for him to look at her, speak to her, but he treated her like a ball of dust on the carpet, something tiny and unimportant.
"In Malfoy Manor we don't let pets into the drawing room," Malfoy said to Rodolphus with a venomous grin.
"Quiet," the Dark Lord ordered before Bella could bite back. Even then he didn't even spare her a glance. He rose from his chair gracefully and approached the fireplace, leaving the four to kneel.
"Years ago, at the beginning of my career, I only gathered my followers in the light of a living fire," he said. There was complete silence in the room exepet the crackling of embers in the fireplace, as if all the people were only shadows, and the Dark Lord was the only real person. "Such fire casts heavy shadows. Only it demonstrates the constant struggle between light and darkness, for without light, darkness could not exist. Light and darkness are two sides of the same coin. There are creatures who can not stand the light, while others fear darkness. Humans are like that, too. It is not some trait or our education, but our very nature, which causes people like us to be attracted to the darkness. And if any of you had any doubt, there is nothing wrong with that. This is my advice to you today, before you take on the Dark Mark; Never doubt your decisions and choices. You are the Gods in your own world, in which you decide what is good and what is bad. It is the freedom that the human mind allows us, which is preserved and realized by our abilities and status as wizards."
The silence stretched on after he had finished his speech. Bella thought she could see one of the Death Eaters shed a tear behind the mask. She herself was so moved, so thrilled. She stared at the man standing in front of the flames, even as the light burned her eyes. His words were so true and beautiful – how could anyone have doubt in such fine logic and emotion?
"This is your chance to turn back," said the Dark Lord, turning his back to the flames. "There will not be another. Once you take the Dark Mark, your life would be the service, and the service your life."
The three didn't move, as expected.
"Then we shall begin," said the Dark Lord, looking back into the flames, and for a moment Bella thought he was smiling (or was it just a trick of light?). "I ask everyone who does not take part in the ceremony to leave the room."
Bella felt everyone looking at her. She stood up straight.
"I demand to take part in the ceremony," she said clearly. "I want to be a Death Eater."
The silence was broken by a few smirks. Malfoy covered his mouth. Rodolphus bowed his head, his body very still. But Bella looked only at the Dark Lord. At first she thought he hadn't heard her, or had chosen to ignore, but then he looked away from the coals and straight at her. Bella felt a shudder of fear flutter in her heart.
"You demand to become a Death Eater?" He repeated slowly, dangerously. Something about the way he looked at her made her feel like an object put for sale. "Why do you want to be a Death Eater so much, Mrs. Lestrange?"
Why? He didn't ask the others why. But the answer was obvious, wasn't it? She had never been one for good manners and fine words, but one for rough sincerity, and she wasn't going to stop now. Except that she had a feeling that the Dark Lord knew when he was being lied to.
"I wish to serve..." She struggled to keep a steady voice, "You."
He took one step toward her, and it was as if he had stepped on one of her nerves with his foot. "And why do you think you deserve that honor?"
"I am Bellatrix Lestrange, a pure descendant of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black," Bella said proudly, "A witch by the highest education and status. That's a good enough reason."
The Death Eaters raised their voices; Some were scornful and disdainful, some displeased, some mocking. The Dark Lord tilted his head, as if to see her from a new perspective. He took out his wand and twisted it between his long fingers, and she sensed he was about to curse her. Still, she remained straight and still.
"I did not think I'd come across a witch who would answer me with such directness, even insolence," he said and his followers fell silent. "It's infuriating, yet impressive. You have courage, girl – a rare trait among people with common sense. With respect to that, and in honor of your glorious dynasty, I will give you a chance to prove yourself worthy to me."
"How, my Lord?"
"I will not waste my time pondering it. Now be gone, you're starting to annoy me."
And from that moment on her existence was nothing to him. When she didn't move a few Death Eaters tried to throw her outside. She shook them off and exited by herself.
How dare he treat her like that? Couldn't he see how she admired him? How much she wanted him? She had never been so humiliatingly rejected.
Narcissa was waiting nervously outside. She tried to talk to her sister, but Bella ignored her and left the Manor, full of sudden hatred for everything and everyone. To prove herself – What a joke! Didn't he know who she was? Men fell at her feet, and he eliminated her offer to serve him as if it were an annoying fly!
She Appearated and found herself at the gates of Lestrange Estate, under deep twilight skies that covered the city. She couldn't go back there – she would go mad if she stayed there for a minute. She had to vent her anger. With that thought in mind, she began to walk into Muggle London.
The stupid muggles stared at her as if she were part of a show. She walked with a forceful stride, not knowing where, her fists clenched and her head raised despite her hurt pride. She could crush each one of these miserable creatures, only to remind herself of her power.
How dare he doubt her like that? She'll show him – she'll show everyone. To prove herself worthy, he said... The memory of his loveless eyes felt like vinegar on a fresh wound...
A mask, black as the starry night sky, gazed at her out of a shop window. Bella stopped and looked at it for a moment, before going into the store and picking it up. She looked into the empty eyes.
"Can I help you?" asked the annoying shopkeeper.
"I'm taking this mask."
"That would be one hundred and fifty pounds," she said with a smile.
"No. I think I'll take it for free."
"Excuse me, this is – " The shopkeeper's eyes glazed, and the fake smile was replace with an empty expression. "Of course, my Lady. It's yours."
The square outside Buckingham Palace was full of tourists. The last rays of the sun illuminated the palace, which towered over the shaded, cool square. Bella put on the mask. She felt secure behind it, as if she had donned a cloak of shadows that made her invisible to the eyes of the muggles. She stood in the middle of the square, studying the world behind the mask. In her hand, the golden veins in her ancient wand glowed red.
"Your dress is very pretty, lady." A little girl in a yellow dress was looking up at her. "Are you a fairy-tale princess? What is this wand? Is it a magic wand?..."
A green light was reflected in her large eyes. The girl's hair spilled across the pavement. Now the woman in the black mask was at center of the scene. She raised her wand, ready to prove herself worthy.