I don't usually do a Author's Note before a chapter, but I feel it's necessary here. This chapter contains (Trigger Warning) self harm that is consistent with the original book. While not overly graphic, please proceed with caution.
I was so happy to get away from the Academy for a while. It wasn't quite like when we were on the run, but spending some time with Rose – away from the drama of school – was just what the doctor ordered. I was sick of the pranks, I was tired of the dirty looks and whispered rumors, and most of all I was simply done with the heavy weight on my mind that seemed to grow more and more substantial with each passing day. I had been doing my best to manipulate others with compulsion to protect Rose and myself as well as alleviate our stress, but no matter what I did, that dark cloud always seemed to be looming in my thoughts.
The trip today was enough to make me forget though, at least for a little while. I had started back towards the dorms with Natalie and Camille by my side, and could hear Rose close behind.
"Back to prison," she sighed, coming up beside me. "Maybe if you fake a heart attack, I can make a break for it!"
"Without your clothes?" I handed her a few of the bags filled with her new outfits and she twirled them around happily. While most of her items were unusually plain, there was one that was guaranteed to be a knock out, especially on her. "I can't wait to see the dress."
"Me either." Her eyes lit up with a devilish glint before quickly fading. "If they let me go. Kirova's still deciding if I've been good enough."
I could probably solidify her opportunity to go within a few minutes if I met with the headmistress again. I'd see if I could arrange a meeting tomorrow. Rose didn't need to know though; she hated when I used compulsion. "Show her those boring shirts you bought. She'll go into a coma. I'm about ready to."
Rose laughed joyfully before hoping up on one of the benches that lined the pathway. She was naturally athletic, and with her spirits as high as they were right now, she was more than eager to playfully show it off. "They aren't that boring."
She surprised me, jumping off the bench without any extra spins or flips. "I don't know what to think of this new, responsible Rose." And honestly, I didn't. She had always taken her promise to guard me seriously, but since we've returned to the Academy she has become almost extreme in her sense of duty. Part of me wanted to blame Guardian Belikov, my new personal guardian who is also her mentor and eventual partner. He was intimidating at times. I always felt safe under his care, but I never really felt like I could get a read on him. I knew his trainings with Rose were intense. She spent almost every free moment under his guidance as part of her probation and she had come back from practice bruised and exhausted more than once. Still, she seemed awe-inspired by him and his techniques. While she complained about him early on, now she seemed more than willing to do whatever he asked of her.
I watched her as she spun off the second bench and landed with more grace than should be allowed in a mere mortal.
"I'm not that responsible," she smirked.
Natalie applauded her antics enthusiastically, and I join in on encouraging her dare devil behavior.
"Hey! You're still on duty. No fun allowed up there." One of Uncle Victor's guardians called, but he was hardly scolding her. If anything, I think he was hoping to inspire more gymnastics. Rose apparently agreed, getting a running start towards the third bench.
"No fun here, I swear – shit!"
It happened too fast for me to really comprehend at first. Rose fell face first onto the bench, landing with a loud thud. Another noise, a sharp crack, also caught my attention but I wasn't able to place it. Dimitri and Victor's once playful guard were running towards her still form, and that's when I noticed her foot through the bench. It was twisted at an odd angle. The loud snap from before must have been her bone breaking.
The fire within me started burning, pushing me towards her. My instinct was to heal her, even though Rose had forbidden me to do so on several occasions. There were people watching, and if one of them discovered my secret, who knows what would happen. Still, the pull to heal was stronger than my own rational thought at the moment. Only Victor's guardian kept me away from her as Guardian Belikov tore the rotten wood away, liberating Rose.
The moment she was free, he picked her up and dashed towards the clinic. I pushed aside my restrainer and followed as quickly as I could after. I was glad that the distance was short, because it was painfully obvious that I could never keep up with a guardian. I entered the clinic a minute or two behind them, just as the nurse was showing him to a room.
As he laid her down on the hospital cot, I watched Rose writhe in pain, occasionally muttering something incomprehensible. I felt the anxiety within myself at war, debating whether or not I should listen to Rose's warnings or disregard them and follow my own instincts. The nurse gave her some medication, but it seemed to be ineffective. Watching the tears silently slip down her cheeks solidified my decision for me.
I took a seat at the end of the bed, placing my hand on Rose's shin, just above the break. Hesitantly, I looked at Guardian Belikov as he sat beside her and watched me. I had never had an audience for one of my healings. Since they were supposed to be a secret, I hoped that he wouldn't sense anything amiss. Finally, he turned away to look at her and I took my chance.
The intangible fire flowed from my mind, through my body, and into Rose. The cooling sensation that followed was quickly replaced with a new sense of heat when her injury was finally healed that the fire returned to me again. It was over in less than a few minutes.
I quickly took a peek at her leg while Guardian Belikov was distracted and stifled a gasp. I had gone too far. I had only meant to relieve her pain and repair the break, but I had allowed the sensation to overcome me and I had made her look as good as new. There was no swelling, no bruising, not even a single scratch from her fall.
The paranoia flooded me like a tidal wave. It was too suspicious. Plenty of people saw her fall, they had seen her broken ankle. They would know something was up when she was suddenly perfectly fine. They would come for her. They would come from me.
My frantic train of thought was interrupted by the sound of Dr. Olendzki entering the room. I jumped, startled by her arrival and scared of what she would say. She asked Guardian Belikov about her fall before ushering us out of the room so she could examine her further.
As soon as we were out the door, I saw Victor's guardian waiting in the lobby. I knew his name was Greek, but I couldn't place it for the life of me. At the moment, I didn't really care. All it meant was another person would learn my secret. What would they do when they found out? Lock me up in some mental facility? Run tests on me? I was pacing back and forth outside the door, wishing I could talk to Rose. I could hear the two guardians talking but I didn't listen to what they were saying.
"Would you mind escorting the Princess to her room?"
My head snapped up at the title he always used, especially around others. I started to protest before Guardian Belikov cut me off in an attempt to settle my fears.
"Don't worry Vasilisa, I'll stay with her until she wakes. You should get some sleep though, you can hardly stand up as it is."
I couldn't very well tell him the real reasons why I wanted to stay. Sure, I wanted to stand by Rose until she woke, but I already knew she was perfectly healthy now. Too healthy. I needed to stay to talk to her when she woke up. She would know what to do next. She would protect me, just like she always had before. But I couldn't tell him that. And suddenly I felt weak and tired. It had been a long day and I knew I would succumb to sleep soon.
Knowing my options were limited, I nodded my agreement with a yawn and followed the Greek Guardian out of the clinic. He didn't speak much to me, only sneaking the occasional look as if trying to figure me out. As soon as we reached my dorm room, he bid me good night.
I wanted to pace the floor of my room a little more, but Natalie was already asleep in her bed. Instead, I quickly changed into some pajamas and tucked myself in, trying to calm my mind with childhood lullabies and counting sheep. Nothing worked. I just tossed and turned.
Finally, I couldn't stand it any longer. I knew I couldn't return to the clinic, but there was another safe haven I could retreat to. I slipped on a sweater and some shoes before heading outside towards the steeple in the distance.
The chapel attic was quiet, even more so than my room had been. It didn't take long for my thoughts to take charge and overwhelm me. The tears came next. I don't know if there was a specific reason I was crying, but the salty droplets allowed me some form of release. Everything thing in my mind, in my world, seemed too big to handle at the moment.
"You okay?" His voice, unmistakable, caught me attention.
I brushed away the evidence of my crying as much as I could before facing him. I didn't know why he was here, but I didn't want anything to do with him. At least, that's what I kept telling myself. Truthfully, all I wanted to do was seek comfort in Christian's arms, but I knew I couldn't. He had abandoned me, and I'd be damned if I would beg for him to take me back when I did nothing wrong in the first place.
"I'm fine." I tried to sound as brave as I could, but it was a weak attempt at best.
"Do...do you want to talk?" He sounded sincere, but I was certain it was a game. A trick to fool me into trusting him again.
"Oh..." I felt a dark anger swelling inside me "You want to talk now? After I tried so many times – "
His temper burned with mine. "I didn't want that! That was Rose..." He stopped suddenly, as if he was unsure if he should continue.
"What about Rose?"
"Nothing." He looked away, suddenly emotionless. "Forget it."
I wasn't having this, though. I strode forward towards him, summoning all the royal command in my body. "What about Rose?"
He flinched but said nothing. However, that didn't stop the pieces from falling together. Rose was behind his sudden disappearance. I knew she wasn't his biggest fan, but she had no right. Was she jealous that I had found someone else besides her to lean on? That I had a boyfriend? Was she really that petty? All the darkness that had been focus on Christian suddenly turned onto my best friend. "She made you, didn't she? She told you to stop talking to me?"
His silence was all the confirmation I needed. "It was probably for the best. I would have just messed things up for you. You wouldn't be where you are now." The inexplicable tone in his voice taunted me. He sounded hurt, almost ashamed. Unfortunately, my temper was still making most of my decisions.
"What's that supposed to mean?" I snapped.
"What do you think it means? God! People live or die at your command now, Your Highness." His childishly mocking bow infuriated me.
"You're being kind of melodramatic."
"Am I? All day, I hear people talking about what you're doing and what you're thinking and what you're wearing. Whether you'll approve. Who you like. Who you hate. They're your puppets."
He didn't understand. How could he. And I couldn't exactly tell him what was going on. "It's not like that. Besides, I had to do it. To get back at Mia..." It was as good of an excuse as any.
Unfortunately, he didn't buy it like I had hoped. "You don't even know what you're getting back at her for."
"She set up Jesse and Ralf to say those things about Rose! I couldn't let her get away with that!"
He scoffed at me...he actually scoffed! "Rose is tough. She would have gotten over it."
"You didn't see her. She was crying." It sounded small, but Rose crying over something was a huge deal. I had only seen her do so a handful of times, and it was never over a small or inconsequential matter.
"So? People cry. You're crying."
"Not Rose." It wasn't worth debating. He would never understand.
"I've never seen anything like you two." He had the same look in his eye as he did the day he figured out that I had fed from Rose on occasion during our absence. "You're always so worried about each other. I get her thing – some kind of weird guardian hang-up – but you're just the same."
"She's my friend."
"I guess it's that simple. I wouldn't know," he said with a shrug. After a pause, he continued. "Anyway. Mia. So you got back at her over what she did to Rose. But you're missing the point. Why did she do it?"
I didn't know what he was getting at. "Because she was jealous about me and Aaron-"
He cut me off with a wave. "More to it than that Princess. What did she have to be jealous about? She already had him. She didn't need to attack you to drive that home. She could have just made a big show of being all over him." He raised his eyebrow, looking me dead in the eye, "sort of like you are now."
The reminder of my emotionless relationship with Aaron stung, but I tried to ignore the jab. "Okay, what else is there, then? Why did she want to ruin my life? I never did anything to her – before all this, I mean."
He leaned towards me, pleased that I had finally stumbled upon the right question. "You're right. You didn't – but your brother did."
I pulled away. His answer hardly cleared things up for me. "You don't know anything about my brother."
"I know he screwed Mia over. Literally."
No. He couldn't. He wouldn't. Andre wasn't like that. He was popular, well loved, kind to everyone. He wouldn't use anyone, especially someone like Mia. I doubt she was even on his radar. "Stop it. Stop lying."
"I'm not. Swear to God or whoever else you want to believe in. I used to talk to Mia now and then, back when she was a freshman. She wasn't very popular, but she was smart. Still is. She used to work on a lot of committees with royals – dances and stuff. I don't know all of it, but she got to know your brother on one of those and they sort of got together."
"They did not. I would have known. Andre would have told me." Why? Why was Christian saying these horrid things. First about Rose, then about my brother...why did he want to hurt me?
"Nope. He didn't tell anyone. He told her not to either. He convinced her it should be some kind of romantic secret when really, he just didn't want any of his friends to find out he was getting naked with a non-royal freshman."
"If Mia told you that, she was making it up!" He was lying. I knew my brother, he wouldn't do something like this.
"Yeah, well, I don't think she was making it up when I saw her crying. He got tired of her after a few weeks and dumped her. Told her that she was too young and that he couldn't really get serious with someone who wasn't from a good family. From what I understand, he wasn't even nice about it either – didn't even bother with the 'let's be friends' stuff."
I felt the thin string of my sanity snap. "You didn't even know Andre!" I screamed. "He would never have done that."
"You didn't know him." Christian's voice was just the opposite of mine, calm and low. "I'm sure he was nice to his baby sister; I'm sure he loved you. But in school, with his friends, was was just as much of a jerk as the rest of the royals. I saw him because I see everything. It's easy when no one notices you."
Somehow...I felt like he was telling the truth, but I wasn't ready to give into it yet. "So this is why Mia hates me?"
"Yep. She hates you because of him. That, and because you're royal and she's insecure around all royals, which is why she worked so hard to claw up the ranks and be their friend. I think it's coincidence that she ended up with your ex-boyfriend, but now that you're back, that probably made it worse. Between stealing him and spreading those stories about her parents, you guys really picked the best ways to make her suffer. Nice work."
The thought that he might be telling the truth about my brother made me feel guilty for betraying his memory. However, reflecting on my own horrid actions, I wondered if I really knew my brother at all. I didn't know what I was capable of, much less him. Still, I wanted to hope that he was – that we both were – better people than that. "I still think you're lying."
He gave a humorless laugh. "I'm a lot of things, but I'm not a liar. That's your department. And Rose's."
"We don't -"
"Exaggerate stories about people's families? Say that you hate me? Pretend to be friends with people that you think are stupid? Date a guy you don't like?"
I felt a stab in my chest as he listed each way I lied to the world and myself. "I like him." My weak defense didn't fool anyone, myself included.
"Like or like?"
"Oh, there's a difference?" I rolled my eyes. What were we in, elementary school?
"Yes." His voice was entirely too confident. It stunned me into frozen silence. "Like is when you date a big, blonde moron and laugh at his stupid jokes."
Before I could even process his words, he was in front of me, his lips against mine. The kiss was filled with rage and passion. I felt my longing responding to his own, and I melted against him. He broke away just as abruptly, leaving me cold and wanting.
"That's what you do with someone you like."
The unfulfilled yearning mingled with my earlier anxiety and anger, leaving me confused and on the brink of a mental breakdown. My heart was racing and my head was spinning. I wanted to kiss him again, but I also wanted him out of my sight. I went with the latter.
"Well, I don't like or like you. And I think you and Mia are both lying about Andre. Aaron would never make up anything like that."
He looked at me with disbelief. "That's because Aaron doesn't say anything that requires words more than one syllable."
I pushed him away angrily, "Get out! Get away from me."
He looked around before laughing, "You can't throw me out. We both signed the lease."
"Get. OUT!" I had never been so overcome with anger in my life. "I hate you!"
He stared at me for a moment before shaking his head and giving an over exaggerated bow. " Anything you want, Your Highness."
As soon as I heard his footsteps leave the stair well, I sank to my knees. I felt like I couldn't breath. Between Rose's injury and Christian kiss, the rumors that Mia and her gang spread and the thought that Andre wasn't the person I thought he was...I simply couldn't handle it any more. All the feeling and the thoughts were too much. I couldn't hold them in any longer. I needed to let them out and tears wouldn't be sufficient.
I know I had promised Rose, but I had already broken one promise to her today. Did it really matter if I broke another?
I reached into the pocket of my sweater, pulling out my wallet and finding the small razor blade that was hidden inside.
I twirled it gently between my fingers. I was watching the dusk's light glint off the metal, filtered through the stained glass window. It was memorizing, but not as much as I knew what yet to come.
I pressed it against my arm, a little deeper than I intended to. The pain was sweet relief as I cut myself again and again. It stung, but at least I could control this. With each drop of blood, the confusion in my mind cleared. I watched the deep crimson flow against my pale skin. Though your sins be as scarlet, my mind quoted the familiar bible passage, they shall be as white as snow...
The thought suddenly amused me. Perhaps I truly was a sinner. I was a thief after all. All I did was steal blood from others for my own survival. I took it from Rose. I took it from the feeders. Now, I was giving it back. Perhaps this was absolution for what I've done. Or perhaps it was meaningless. Perhaps I was just wasting the precious blood of my family that flowed through me and only me, forcing me into a position that I never wanted or was suited for.
I watched the sacred Dragomir blood stain the floor of the chapel attic. The droplets swirled into different patterns and it took me a moment to realize that the image wasn't totally based in reality. My head started spinning, and flashes of light like stars started to appear in my eyes. Weak and dizzy, I tried to catch myself only to fall in the red pool beneath me. It was warm and sticky on my face, but I hadn't the energy to lift myself out of it. For the first time ever, I wasn't sure I really wanted to. All I wanted to do was close my eyes and fall into the sweet peace of oblivion.
So I did.
Author's Note
This chapter corresponds to Chapter 18 in my other story, Vampire Academy - Dimitri's Point of View.
While writing that chapter, I realized that there was quite a bit of information that was being left out because of the view point and I thought that telling a portion from Lissa's perspective would help clear some things up. Plus, I relished the challenge of writing from the perspective of a girl who is being overwhelmed by Spirit and it's resulting madness when she didn't understand either of those things at the time.
Please remember to follow and favorite the story to get updates on new chapters. I love hearing from you in the reviews and you are welcomed to request a scene. I'm already working on a few requests right now that have come from you guys!
Also, if you enjoyed this, be sure to check out VA from Dimitri's POV. I'm nearing the end of book one and have lots of fun plans for the next books as well. You can find them on my Bio.
Because there is a very large portion that is heavily dialogue based, I feel it is twice as important to note: I do not own Vampire Academy or its characters.