CHAPTER 2:

ON THE CRITERIA FOR MEMBERSHIP IN THE PUDDING CLUB

Just under a year later…

For a time, Harry Potter drifted in the dark oblivion of unconsciousness. Recollection came to him slowly, along with consciousness. Of the misery of Fourth Year. Of Ron getting all jealous over Harry being forced to enter the Tri-Wizard Tournament. Of Hermione's quixotic crusade for freeing House Elves (he was for it in principle, but between most House Elves not wanting freedom and Hermione's obnoxious attitude towards anything SPEW-related, he just didn't want to touch it with a ten foot pole). Of Voldemort's resurrection, and the death of Cedric Diggory. Of the anger he felt at being sent back to Durzkaban, the Minister of Magic disbelieving him and Dumbledore about Voldemort. Then, he felt, oddly enough, sleepy during the car journey back.

The next thing he knew, he was waking up, shirtless (but thankfully not pantsless), on an armchair. A rather nice armchair. He blinked, made to stand up, and sagged back. He was surrounded by hooded and cloaked figures, figures who reminded him of the Death Eaters, sans masks. They certainly weren't Dementors, as the air was too warm (rather nice, actually), and he wasn't hearing his mother screaming. One of the hooded figures said, "…you think anyone noticed? If the Old Bill come in here, well, they'll jump to the wrong conclusions, right?"

"Trust me, dealing with the Muggle police is the least of our worries," another hooded figure said. "Between Fudge being an imbecile, You Know Who hiding out, and Dumbledore keeping his cards close to his chest, we're up shit creek without a paddle if this gets out. Anyway, why do we need these hooded cloaks? He's going to think we're Death Eaters."

"Because it's tradition in a coven, you berk, and the Queen wanted this!" hissed a woman's voice. "Merlin, I shouldn't have let that old goat send me your way. Deep-cover infiltration to find out who the new Queen is, he said. You'll gain us allies against Voldemort, he said. What did it get me? I had to look like a bloody Goth, followed by getting the most painful hickey ever! Incidentally, you know he's awake, right?" As the other hooded figures turned to face Harry, the hooded figure who was the woman waved. "Wotcher, Harry."

Harry blinked. For a sinister group of people wearing hooded cloaks, it was strangely…casual? "Uhh, wotcher?"

One of the figures sighed. "He's confused. No surprises there. Are we trying to be sinister and enigmatic?"

"We are denizens of the night, sinister and enigmatic's sort of the default setting for us, until the Queen came along. Got to admit, she's a proverbial ray of sunshine. Okay, Nymphadora, you're up."

The woman who had greeted Harry promptly stomped down on that hooded figure's foot. "Don't bloody call me Nymphadora, Newman!" she snarled. "It's Tonks! Go and get the Queen, okay?!"

The man called Newman limped away, grumbling about a crazy shape-shifting bint. Tonks gave him the finger, before she returned her attention to Harry. "Sorry about that, Harry." She pulled off the hood, revealing a heart-shaped face with bubblegum pink hair in a spiky, almost punk-like do. "And sorry about all this. We just thought your reaction to being taken somewhere suddenly might be violent. My name is Tonks. Just Tonks. I may not look it, but I'm a cousin of your godfather, my mum being born a Black and all."

"…Can you prove that?"

Tonks snorted, before her face changed into that of Sirius Black. "Nope," she said, her voice still feminine, "and if I wanted to, I could imitate him, or your friends, and you'd be none the wiser."

"Says the wannabe Auror who's got clumsiness as a flaw on her character sheet," another hooded figure snarked.

Tonks, whose face had changed back to normal, snapped, "Shut up, Stoker! Seriously, who was the genius who brought a guy called Stoker into a coven?"

"Blame my sire," the hooded figure said with a shrug. "She's looking to collect fledglings who have links to paranormal literature, especially that pertaining to…"

"Okay, got it, your sire's a fucking weirdo. I mean, I knew she was, though she has nothing on the Queen. I mean…the Pudding Club(1)? Though I have to admit, she's entertaining when she isn't making me cack my pants."

"Then my job is done," murmured an ethereal voice. In skipped a girl just a bit younger than him. She wore a rather colourful dress, had a wand tucked behind her ear, and a rather large cuddly toy of something that he was sure was meant to be Cthulhu. She had dirty blonde hair, rather protuberant pale eyes, and a general sense of dottiness to her. He realised she looked vaguely familiar. Had he seen her in passing at Hogwarts?

But there was this strange air about her. Like there was madness and intelligence and darkness and insanity clashing within her like a storm. He didn't know why he felt that coming from her. But oddly enough, he wasn't afraid of it. In fact, he felt almost comforted, and he didn't know why. Except…maybe this was someone who was more than a little broken inside.

Like he was.

"Sorry, but your Once and Future Queen was having a nap to purge the Wrackspurts after such a big meal." The girl looked at them, before she said, "Okay. Save for Tonks, you lot can go. Just remember, if you speak of this to anyone who shouldn't know, I will hunt you down, and turn your entrails into black puddings, which I will then proceed to violate every orifice you have with, including the orifices you didn't know you had." She waved her hand. "Toodles," she said cheerfully.

The room cleared pretty quickly after that, and then, the girl waved a hand. The doors closed, and then locked. A short pair of electronic-sounding beeps echoed through the room. She then sat down in a chair opposite him, and smiled. It was not quite a reassuring smile. There was nothing malicious in that pleasant smile, but it showed just a touch too many teeth to be indicative of a healthy mind. "Sorry about kidnapping you, Harry, but it was expedient to get you away from the Dursleys and the Order of the Phoenix before they could meddle any longer. Don't worry, you're amongst friends."

"…I don't know you."

"Well, that's understandable. I can say without hesitation that few people know me. They generally can't be bothered. Too many Wrackspurts. I'm Luna Lovegood, but most people call me Looney. You are Harry Potter, but most people call you the Boy Who Lived. I'm sure we despise our respective epithets. They say a rose by any other name would smell just as sweet, but Shakespeare was being rather too naïve(2). Or maybe he had too many Wrackspurts, they can infect Muggles."

Harry blinked. He would have said that he was rapidly losing a grip on the situation, but that implied he had any to begin with. He looked at Tonks, who said, "She's like that. Anyway, Luna here's the Queen of the Pudding Club. And yes, I know she looks young. Quite frankly, when I was fourteen, I was fending off amorous boys with a stick, not becoming Queen of Vampires."

After that particular revelation, Harry could only say, in a flat voice, "What."

Luna pouted. "Nymphadora, what have I told you about spoiling the plot twist?!"

Tonks slapped Luna around the head, causing the younger vampire's head to twang comically, vibrating back and forth like a cartoon character's head. "What have I told you about calling me Nympha-fucking-dora!"

"But it means 'Gift of the Nymphs'," Luna said. "You should be proud of your name. Tonks sounds like someone sneezing with every step."

"I like it. Anyway, you're the one who hates standing on fucking convention, you hypocritical little harridan."

Luna, rather maturely, poked her tongue out at Tonks. Harry got the feeling that the two, despite their bickering, had some underlying affection, a friendship. That being said…he held up his hand. "So…Luna is a vampire?"

"Yep," Luna said with a bright grin. A grin that suddenly became filled with sharp, shark-like teeth.

"I don't think it'd make you any better, but I'm one too," Tonks said with a sheepish smile, also filled with sharp, shark-like teeth. "And before you ask, they change from normal to Jaws when you want to."

Harry, after a moment, asked, "Why me? Why am I here?"

Luna cocked her head in a surprisingly endearing quizzical fashion. "What an interesting philosophical question."

"Luna, less of the weird tangential answers," Tonks said with a roll of the eyes. "I'm sure he had enough of that shit from Trelawney."

Once more, Luna pouted, before she said, "Well, what you are doing here is simple. I am the Queen of All Vampires in Magical Britain, the head of the coven of covens, the Pudding Club. However, I am yet to turn anyone. I had decided to postpone that decision, because I wanted quality over quantity. Last year, my father withdrew me from Hogwarts, citing the incidents of the past couple of years, but in truth, I was embarking on building my empire, drawing together the disparate covens of vampires in Britain under my banner. I haven't completely succeeded, but the Pudding Club is now a major power in Magical Britain. And we intend to bring an end to the problem children of Magical Britain. So yes, we aren't affiliated with Voldemort and his little boy band of genocidal maniacs. In fact, we're going to eat them."

"…You didn't answer the question."

"Oh, well, I brought you here to make you my first fledgling, or boyfriend if you prefer," Luna said with a smile.

"Oh. Huh." Which, understandably, was about as coherent as Harry could really make his response under the circumstances. She could have only shocked him more if she had asked to have sex with him.

"Luna, I think you broke him."

"I have a tendency to do that. Uncle Nyarlathotep trained me well."

"You call…the Crawling Chaos…an uncle…you know, I shouldn't be surprised anymore." Tonks ran a hand through her hair. "Now, Harry…in case you're wondering, Sirius knows. We told him shortly before the Third Task. Not that he could tell you anything. After all, it could have been overheard. Already, Fudge is looking to discredit you. He's afraid of Dumbledore usurping him, not realising that Dumbledore doesn't have to. And over the past few years, well, how much help has Dumbledore actually given you to stop Voldemort?"

"What are you implying?" Harry asked. He didn't like what Tonks was saying one bit.

"Let's just say I found it hard to believe myself, and I was just as angry as you will be. Harry…I promise you this: become a vampire, and there will be no more secrets kept from you, at least where anything we know about. What you see will be hard to believe, but if you don't become a vampire, the odds of you surviving to reach my age are…oh, how do the Aussies put it? Buckley's chance, at best. And while you have the devil's own luck, luck doesn't last forever. You'll have power and strength to make sure Voldemort, his minions, hell, anyone who will hurt you and yours never do so again. I didn't want to be a vampire at first, but then, I decided, if being a vampire meant being strong enough to help against Voldemort, I'd do it. Haven't regretted my decision…much."

"But…you'll only tell me the truth when I'm a vampire?"

Luna nodded. "It's less about telling you the truth than showing you the truth. When vampires consume blood, they can also read the memories of those that they do. They can also consume the souls of those they drink blood from, and have those people as familiars. I know you might take issue with this…but what would you say to having Death Eaters being able to do your bidding? Turning Voldemort's own forces against him? I promise you answers, Harry, but if you refuse to become a vampire…well, I'll eat you anyway, turn you into a familiar. It's a better fate than what awaits you if I don't."

"I don't believe you."

"Nobody ever does. Why do you think they called me 'Looney'?" The tone with which Luna said that got through to Harry. That sad resignation in her tone. She was being sincere, he realised.

And he had been there before. Not being believed. Time and time again. The Dursleys, McGonagall, Snape, Ron, Fudge…he had been subjected to disbelief for things that weren't his fault. Though at least with McGonagall, her scepticism at the time regarding the Philosopher's Stone being stolen was understandable in retrospect.

But the Dursleys and Snape…their scepticism was unjustified, as was how they expressed it. Ron and the school didn't believe him when he told them he hadn't entered the Tri-Wizard Tournament…so why he allowed Ron to become his friend again, he didn't know. Maybe it was because he was his first. But most of the school turned on him, and the rest cheered him on to his death at the claws and fire of a dragon, believing him to be a brave hero who cheated his way in, all for the glory of Gryffindor. Oh, and there was that bit about him being a Parseltongue back in Second Year.

And now, Fudge didn't believe him when Harry professed his godfather's innocence, and hadn't believed him when he said Voldemort had come back.

And then, it came back to him. Every time he had asked Dumbledore not to go back to the Dursleys, he had been refused. Harry had told him about what had happened, but Dumbledore blew him off every time.

Well, Harry had had enough of being disbelieved. And of being viewed as a freak, as something lesser.

Something in him twisted into a new shape. A new determination. He wanted to have his own life back. So, he just had one question for Luna. "If I accept, I won't be your slave as a fledgling?"

"No. I can if I wanted to…but it's optional. I want you as an equal…as my consort…as a King of the Pudding Club…as the King of the Night."

Heh…Snape always was going on about how I was a spoiled, pampered prince, Harry said, grinning viciously. He looked up at Luna. "I accept."

Luna's smile was strangely both sad and anticipatory. She stood, and walked over to him, gently helping him to his feet. Then, while standing on her toes, almost sensuously, she began to lick his neck. He felt a strange, numbing coolness in her tongue's wake.

Tonks, noticing his confusion, said, "We can put a mild anaesthetic into our saliva, Harry. Anyway, I'll leave you two alone for the moment."

Soon after she left, Luna looked at him, before she said, "As it's your first time, I'll be gentle."

"…I need an adult(3)?"

"You've got something better: a Vampire Queen." With that, he felt her breath on his throat…and then, the distant sting of her fangs as she bit down hard.

Tonks walked to another room in the Pudding Club HQ. The other members had gone home. She removed her robes, revealing a more punky set of clothing that suited her hair colour and style. She was glad Harry had accepted. It would make things so much more easier with their other guest.

Tonks entered the room, finding that their other guest was dipping her head into a Pensieve. She pulled it out, and was staring, disbelievingly, at a wall.

"Sorry about that, but, well, I thought you'd believe memories in a Pensieve," Tonks said. "Hard to grasp still, innit? That Dumbledore, of all people, would use my affliction against me. He did with Lupin too."

The girl nodded mutely.

"Anyway, your parents will be sent to Australia. Madam Bones will make sure they're kept under the Fidelius. It was pretty hard to persuade them not to take you with them, but I knew you'd want to stay by Harry's side. The Queen knew that, out of everyone, you were Harry's most loyal friend. She's turning him as we speak."

"He said yes?" the girl asked quietly.

"Yes. I think what happened to him this year got to him. But he doesn't need to face it alone," Tonks said gently. "That is why the Queen is going to have him turn you. Because while they will be consorts, he needs a true loyal friend."

After a moment, Hermione Granger nodded. "Then I will be there for him. I owe him too much for it to be otherwise. I will become a vampire for him."

CHAPTER 2 ANNOTATIONS:

Dammit, this was hard to write. I originally decided to write Luna turning Harry against his will, but I went back and looked at the original challenge, which indicated that Harry willingly becomes a vampire. So I altered the second chapter, which is the SECOND version to feature the Pudding Club. I won't be following the challenge religiously, as mentioned before, but I wanted to do that much.

Those who followed this story in The Cauldron will notice that I diverged from my original story pretty quickly. Sorry about that. I just felt the story I was writing was losing the combination of humour and horror that made it so fun to write, hence turning Tonks into a vampire, and setting it in Fifth Year. I detest The Order of the Phoenix, and consider it to be the nadir of the series, so taking any opportunity I can to subvert the story is good. I had considered that briefly before the version where I set it in Fourth Year, but after deciding I had written too many Fourth Year stories, I decided to change it back.

Incidentally, I originally had Hermione appear only in later chapters, but I eventually

1. What else would Luna call her own vampire coven? This name was actually quite deliberate: I remembered an episode of Midsomer Murders called Murder on St Malley's Day, where a secretive school club called the Pudding Club is at the crux of the episode's murders. Unlike that episode, this Pudding Club, while dark and violent, is considerably more heroic.

2. In the original second chapter posted in The Cauldron, a frequent reviewer of mine, Zane Tribal Tyne Alexandros, pointed out an interesting historical anecdote: Shakespeare was probably taking a potshot at a theatre known as the Rose, which was located near a sewer outlet.

3. A Dragonball Z Abridged reference. A running gag with Gohan, particularly in episode 18, though it happens later. Usually, whenever Gohan responds to some sort of innuendo, it's with "I need an adult", to which the usual response is "I am an adult".