CHAPTER 4:

ON THE GOALS AND ASPIRATIONS OF THE PUDDING CLUB

Hermione was sitting down on a chair in the Pudding Club's main meeting room, along with the others. "Well," she remarked, "that was singularly unpleasant. Novel, but unpleasant." She looked down at her body, which, while attractive before, had become even more so. Her bushy hair had become rather more manageable. She looked beautiful, even more than she had at the Yule Ball, Luna thought (having been sent pictures by Ginny), and she wondered whether Hermione was bisexual. That way, it would be sharing in more ways than one. Ooh, she could make the leadership of the Pudding Club a triumvirate then! Luna as the strangely genius Id, Harry as the Ego, and Hermione as the Superego. Freud would shit himself at such a thought.

"Are you feeling all right?" Harry asked. He had refrained from looking at Hermione's memories as a courtesy, afraid that he might stumble upon some private scene or other, according to him.

"As much as I can, having become a Nosferatu," Hermione said. "I have to admit, this was one of the reasons why I was tempted to become one. Murnau's Law of Vampiric Aesthetics."

"Pardon?"

"Simply put," Luna said, "because vampires are predators of humans, being more attractive helps lure them to us. It's not a watertight rule, there are many vampires who look plain, or look like Count Orlok(1). But Harry got ripped, Hermione and Tonks got full makeovers… Of course, I'm still a little younger than you two, but once I age to the optimal age, I'm gonna be knocking them dead."

"Probably literally," Hermione muttered. Louder, she asked, "So, what next?"

"I'm glad you asked, Hermione!" Luna said cheerfully, before she went over to a wall, and spun part of it, revealing a hidden whiteboard. On it was a bizarre list…

1. TURN HARRY POTTER AND HERMIONE GRANGER INTO VAMPIRES

2. RAID AZKABAN AND FEED ON MARKED DEATH EATERS (YUMMY!)

3. STICK IT SIDEWAYS TO VOLDEMORT, DUMBLEDORE, AND MINISTRY

4. ?

5. PROFIT!

"It's time for Step 2 of our Nosferatu Operational Masterplan. That spells NOM. Don't want a repeat of the SPEW fiasco."

"Fuck you, that was a good idea, making a Society for Promoting Elvish Welfare!" Hermione snapped. Then, after realising what she had said, she yelled at herself, "Language, Hermione! I knew becoming a vampire would loosen my inhibitions, but I didn't think it'd be this bad!"

"It's not so bad," Tonks said. "Just view it as being mildly buzzed."

"But I'm underaged!"

"Doesn't stop some students at Hogwarts from smuggling in booze," Tonks shrugged. "Anyway, I've heard worse language from Third Years, believe me. Some of it I was using, and my Mum chewed me out for that."

"Order in the court!" Luna called out. "I call for order, obedience, and ice cream, with sprinkles!"

"I'd prefer treacle tart," Harry said.

Luna chuckled. Oh, she was so glad she had gotten him out of Dumbledore's clutches. Luna knew that Dumbledore wasn't the kindly old grandfather figure he made himself out to be. What better way for a true Dark Lord to disguise himself than as an eccentric grandfather figure and who, by stealth, false humility and diffidence, had attained three of the highest offices in Magical Britain? He wasn't all-powerful, true, but that was the thing. He didn't need to appear all-powerful. There were, after all, many kinds of power.

Luna could see sideways in time, and while in many realities, Dumbledore was a genuinely decent person, albeit a manipulative man who was blinkered to many, though not all, of his faults (and those of others), unfortunately, this particular iteration of Luna Lamia Lovegood was living in the reality where he was an utter twat. But then again, that was going to make tearing down his carefully-orchestrated plans and his so-called Greater Good all the more enjoyable.

"So, we are planning a raid of Azkaban?" Hermione asked. "And we intend to deal with the Death Eaters there."

"Yep," Luna said.

"Got dibs on Aunt Bella," Tonks said, licking her lips. "That sadistic bitch's got it coming."

Hermione frowned. "Well, is there another reason why we're raiding Azkaban? I mean, reducing Voldemort's forces while increasing our own as familiars is one thing, that's obvious, but it can't be as simple as that. I don't like the idea of familiars either. Too much like House Elves."

"Well, let me answer your qualms in reverse order. House Elves exist in a symbiotic relationship, gaining magic and such from their masters. They were bred that way as drudges, not by wizards, but by the Fey. Turning Death Eaters into familiars is not the same thing. If the situation were reversed, they would make you their slave if they didn't kill you. Probably their sex slave. This way, their lives are of use to you, keeping you alive in situations you normally wouldn't be," Luna said. "And you are right. We're going to cast the Dark Mark once we raid Azkaban."

Hermione thought about this, before a smile of revelation came across her face. "A false flag operation! Fudge denied that Voldemort is back, so if the Death Eaters at Azkaban suddenly disappear with the Dark Mark seen overhead…it'll make him look like an idiot."

Tonks snorted. "Not that he needs that much effort to look like one. When we got you and the Dursleys, Harry, I used vampiric hypnosis on the Dursleys to have them travel to a certain point. I then used a Portkey. The car's been Vanished. I also cast the Dark Mark at the Dursley house after Apparating there. It ought to muddy things somewhat. Believe it or not, Mad-Eye learned how to cast it back during the last war as misdirection, and he taught me before he went to Hogwarts to teach. Well, except Sirius told me that that was apparently an impostor."

"Dumbledore will be filling his pants with semi-digested Lemon Sherbets when he realises you aren't at the Dursleys," Luna chuckled. "And Fudge will fudge his own pants when he hears of the Dark Mark. He wants to deny that Voldemort is back, so when the Dark Mark is over your old house, Harry…"

Harry snickered at that. After what he learned of Dumbledore, the thought of giving Dumbledore and Fudge grief appealed to him. "So, are we working to overthrow the Ministry?"

"Not exactly, just Fudge's administration and the Death Eaters and their allies lining his and their pockets," Tonks said. "Quite frankly, as long as the next Minister is competent and fairly incorruptible, our job is done. Well, once Dumbledore and Voldemort are out of the way."

"Why is Dumbledore the way he is, anyway?" Harry asked. "I don't get it."

"I know, it's hard. He's good at crafting an image, Harry," Tonks said.

"He wasn't always evil," Luna said. "Few are born evil, and even fewer believe they themselves are evil. Dumbledore believes that only he is the epitome of good and light in Magical Britain. He had a thirst for power from a young age, one that led him to allying with one Gellert Grindlewald. Apparently they were lovers. But they became enemies. And you know how that went. Their duel during the Second World War is the stuff of legend, and Dumbledore was, by all accounts, broken by the experience as much as his vanquished foe. But then came the rise of Voldemort, and his followers. And Dumbledore realised that, in the wake of being named Grindlewald's conqueror, he had been given much in the way of power. A power he was loath to give up. He used the Order of the Phoenix to protect his political allies…and let those who'd fallen out of favour with him get killed. He used laws to get a hold of the money of those killed where he could, partly to fund the Order and pay off some of his lackeys, but also to line his own pockets. He believes that he is the be-all and end-all of virtue in Magical Britain, that only he knows what the Greater Good should be. He's willing to keep what he believes is the moral high ground, even if it is high on a mountain of corpses. Which would be a waste of good blood, and life."

The silence that fell was pretty heavy. Eventually, Luna said, "TL;DR version, Dumbledore's a hypocritical Machiavellian pile-riddled arsehole. Of course, the same thing could be said about Voldemort, bar the Machiavellian bit."

Tonks then said, "When you think about it, Dumbledore's set himself up as king in everything but name. In Muggle terms, he's both Speaker in the Parliament, as well as Secretary-General of the UN, and while he's in danger of losing those titles, those of Chief Warlock and Supreme Mugwump, even without them, he has a major sphere of influence. But on the other hand, just eroding his power base will only strengthen Voldemort. Voldemort is afraid of Dumbledore's power, even if he won't admit it. That's why I cast the Dark Mark back at your house, Harry. It'll put more pressure on Fudge."

"It'll also cause confusion in Voldemort's ranks," Luna said with a smile. "Chaos! Confusion! Calamity! Cake!"

"Cake?"

"The cake is not a lie," Tonks said. "Luna makes the best chocolate cakes. Well, that you can have and not suffer from dangerous hyperglycaemia. She calls it Genocide by Chocolate(2). That stuff actually causes you to repel Dementors almost as much as a Patronus. So we'll be each having a small slice before we head to Azkaban."

The thought of a Dementor-repelling chocolate cake made Harry drool. Even Hermione looked like she wanted it, and she wasn't fond of sweets, partly due to her dentist parents.

"After Azkaban, we will be squashing a certain toad."

Tonks winced. "Little Luna here means the Umbitch. Dolores 'Hem, Hem' Umbridge."

Luna nodded. "You know your Aunt Marge, Harry? Imagine the child she would have if she had sex with a toad, one that gives neon-pink cardigans, kitten plates, and throat-clearing a bad name. Only, instead of being a dog-breeder, she's a Batrachian Bitch…in a position of governmental power. She likes to remind people that she's the Senior Undersecretary to Fudge."

Harry blinked. "…Okay, but you put the mental image of Marge having sex…with a toad…into my head. Can I have a Memory Charm for that, please?"

"Nope," Luna said cheerfully. "Anyway, Umbridge is a bitch, pure and simple. Don't know whether she's a Death Eater, but she's probably a groupie at least. Actually, Hermione, I'll let you eat her. She hates Muggleborns with a passion, and smart ones in particular."

"…Will I need mouthwash afterwards?" Hermione asked.

Luna chucked a bottle of Listerine at Hermione, who caught it. And then blinked. "Okay…I'm still getting used to superhuman reflexes. Hammer Horror got it wrong."

"So did Twilight," Luna muttered. On seeing their looks, she said, "Long story. Unfortunately, doing anything to the author before they're published will cause a curse to be made upon the perpetrator by diehard Twilight fans who also know how to use retroactive time-travelling curses. Curse you, stupid magical Sparklepire fangirls…I will get you back, somehow(3)."

In the silence that followed, Tonks said, "Believe me, that's far from the weirdest thing she's said. Doesn't even make the top ten."

"Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit," Luna said, poking her tongue out.

"What did she say?" Harry asked.

Hermione rolled her eyes. "She said 'there's no great wisdom that doesn't have a touch of madness'. I've been studying Latin to see if I can do my own spells. Anyway, I have one thing to say to you, Luna. Omnia dicta fortiora si dicta Latina. Which means, everything sounds more impressive in Latin. And that's why it's painful to hear wizards mangle it when we do spells. I mean, Expelliarmus?"

"Si non confectus, non reficiat," Luna said with a fang-filled smirk. "And yes, I have read Terry Pratchett(4)."

"Of course you have," Hermione said. "You'd be Magrat Garlick when you grow up."

"By which you mean Queen of a country, and full of unexpected awesome moments!" Luna grinned. "But I'm living that now. Now…are we ready to show the sheeple and the would-be wolves what real fucking predators are like?"

"Fuck the hell yes," Tonks hissed. "So, we up for hitting up Azkaban for a takeaway meal tomorrow?"

"Yep."

Cake wasn't on the mind of Sirius Black, who had been trying to rebuff Dumbledore's demands to use his current hideout at 12 Grimmauld Place as the HQ of the Order of the Phoenix, albeit under a Fidelius. Dumbledore had made some remarks, albeit subtly, about the security of the house if he wasn't there to reinforce them. His wording, while not explicit, hinted that he might tip off the DMLE as to Sirius' location. Sirius merely told Dumbledore to 'bring it', as he would never allow the Order to reside at his ancestral home as long as Snape was part of it. In fact, he refused to be part of the Order unless Dumbledore promised to begin training Harry and tell him the truth, something the old fart prevaricated on, naturally, with his usual 'I'm older than you, so that means I'm wiser and know better than you' way.

Sirius' gratitude to Dumbledore had run out during that whole Tri-Wizard business, especially when Tonks approached him, having managed to track him down, and told him about what she had learned about as part of the Pudding Club. About Dumbledore's duplicity, something he had suspected for some time. And while adorable little Nymphadora was now a Real Fucking Vampire, well, she was still family, and not the sort of family one loved to hate. No, she was like Bella, if Bella sided with the good guys. Because as dangerous and deadly as the Pudding Club was, Sirius also knew that they were on the right side…well, as far as getting rid of Voldemort and Dumbledore were concerned. The Lovegoods were good people, if odd. Luna becoming the Vampire Queen of Magical Britain was not the strangest thing the family had done. And if the Vampire Queen wanted Harry to become her consort…well, if it meant his godson surviving Voldemort, he was all for it. He was considering whether to become a vampire himself. The main thing holding him back was Remus.

Werewolves and vampires had an infamous rivalry, even outside Muggle fiction. The reason for this was simple: werewolf blood was one of the few bloods of any sentient creature that was utterly lethal to a vampire if ingested. Historically, vampires went on pogroms against werewolves to reduce the possibility of this happening.

While Remus was never one to embrace his inner wolf where he could help it, the pogroms by vampires against werewolves left deep scars, and instinctive hatred of vampires in the werewolf collective unconscious. Sirius was worried about Remus being caught between his loyalty to Dumbledore, his loyalty to Harry, and the werewolf revulsion against vampires.

Which was why he was going to talk to Moony later tonight. Because if Remus decided one way or another to oppose Harry, either because of Dumbledore or his werewolf instincts…then Sirius was frightened he was going to be down another friend…

CHAPTER 4 ANNOTATIONS:

So, the Pudding Club is plotting a raid of Azkaban, and Sirius is wondering whether Remus will still be loyal to Harry. That will happen in the next chapter, with Remus' choice…

Wow, I'm surprised at how quickly the viewcount has risen, how popular this fic is already. And grateful, too. Then again, it's probably partly thanks to all those chapters posted at once. That being said, this story already has over a hundred alerts and nearly as many favourites, 3 C2s and over 4.5K views.

Review-answering time! Again, wow, very heartened by the number of reviews. Well, let's get to it, shall we?

Stratos263: Getting the Queen involved is such a cliché in some stories like this.

Gabriel Herrol: Nice new avatar. Anyway, Dementors and vampires consider each other competition, but the nature of the familiars within vampires make them poisonous to Dementors. Of course, Luna's cake helps matters. But vampires can't take the souls of those already eaten by Dementors: they have to feed directly on the original person. As for the vampire/werewolf thing, see above. Vampires in general have resistance to magic, save for fire magic, particularly Fiendfyre. And no, one thing that hasn't carried over from Hellsing is the necessity of a fledgling needing to be a virgin before becoming a vampire. That being said, Harry, Hermione and Luna are obviously virgins.

Mangahero18: I found I couldn't write this in anything but a darkly comic manner. You don't like it? Don't read. And I vehemently disagree with it being the lowest form of humour. That is scatological humour…most of the time.

DZ2: I aim to please, and I am glad you enjoyed it, despite it deviating somewhat from, I am sure, your original intentions with your challenge. The Joker's line was meant for you anyway. As for Luna, well, Luna seems to be somewhat detached from reality to a degree anyway. She goes along to the beat of her own drum even in canon, so that opens up a lot of possibilities. And it's less of a couldn't-care-less attitude as much as a 'I do what I want, you have a problem, deal with it' attitude. She's less apathetic than simply self-indulgent, doing things on whims. While she is getting rid of the Death Eaters etc because it is the right thing to do, it doesn't necessarily follow that she and her fellow Pudding Club members are paragons of morality. They're monsters, just monsters with just enough humanity to do what is right. But there's also a slight element of fatalism here: Luna turned Harry partly because her seer abilities told her to, albeit to give them both the best chance for survival.

Mini-rant about Luna: In my Harry/Luna stories (which are generally set after Hogwarts), she usually is the one dragging Harry into situations, like the Fifth Holy Grail War in Perils of Magical Investigative Journalism (and has Zelretch and the Brunested sisters as adoptive family, something I put into the backstory of Gorgon and Thanatos). Even when she isn't, she's more than willing to do strange things. After being infected with a variant of the T-Veronica virus in Henry Ashford and the Goblet of Fire, she promptly uses her newly fireproof skin to toast marshmallows in a fireplace, while holding onto them with her bare hands. And there's the fact that she can be friends with Alucard in Haemophilia. Luna is one of those characters whom it's an utter delight to write, simply because she does not act like a normal person, and doesn't give a crap about it. She's also handy as a plot device in the form of a character.

Have a Little Feith: I didn't know that, and frankly, I care less. Luna just calls it that because she likes pudding, and finds the irony in hiding her vampire club under a seemingly innocuous name highly appealing.

1. Count Orlok, and Murnau's Law, are references to the silent film Nosferatu: A Symphony of Horror, an unofficial and unauthorised adaptation of Dracula, directed by Friedrich Wilhelm Murnau, a famous German director at the time.

2. I took this name from Terry Pratchett's novel Soul Music. While thinking of her late mother (and adoptive daughter of Death) Ysabell, Susan recalls that Ysabell's favourite dish was Genocide by Chocolate.

3. Based on Sasuke's emo catchphrase from Naruto: The Abridged Comedy Fandub Spoof Series Show. Usually, it's a variation of "Curse you, (X). I will get you back, somehow." Said, incidentally, in one of the most monotonous deadpan voices ever.

4. The motto is that of Lord Havelock Vetinari, the mostly-benevolent but still ruthless dictator of Ankh-Morpork from the Discworld novels. It means 'if it ain't broke, don't fix it'.