CHAPTER 5:

ON THE ADVISABILITY OF ALLOWING A WEREWOLF TO JOIN A VAMPIRE COVEN

Remus Lupin, werewolf, Marauder, and rather diffident man, was understandably shocked when his oldest (surviving) friend Sirius Black told him the news. That Harry was now a vampire, and the consort of the Vampire Queen of Magical Britain. And who was Luna Lovegood.

Remus remembered her from his time teaching DADA. Intelligent girl (well, Ravenclaws generally were), very lateral thinker, something of a fantasist, but a harmless one, albeit one who believed in her father's conspiracy theories published in The Quibbler. Deduced that he was a werewolf quite quickly, and approached him privately, saying she didn't care. When he was forced to leave with his status being outed by Snape, she actually intercepted him, and gave him a hug.

He found it rather hard to reconcile that dotty girl with the thought of a Queen of Vampires. Though he could understand why she called her organisation the Pudding Club.

As Sirius correctly guessed, Remus' conflict on the matter was a three-way struggle. He felt utterly grateful to Dumbledore for allowing him to even attend Hogwarts, at a time when sentiment against werewolves was on the rise (he was lucky his father had covered up Fenrir Greyback's attack on him), as well as to allow him to teach. And those sort of debts tended to be exploited. His werewolf instincts, even those he buried deep within him, were snarling at him not to give any help to those bloodsucking leeches, to ensure they suffered a prolonged demise. But Remus was something of an outcast in most werewolf packs due to his alliance with Dumbledore, not to mention his father's own comments on werewolves.

But his loyalty to the Marauders, and to the memory of the Potters, was also strong. Of late, he felt some of his respect for James Potter lessen. The Marauders, or rather, James and Sirius, were frequently bullies, plain and simple, and while Sirius had come to terms with that, Remus wasn't convinced that James had ever done so. But Remus had nothing but the utmost respect for Lily, and he had been the sole member of the Marauders she would even speak with on civil terms.

One thing the Marauders were supposed to be united on was the care of Harry. Remus would have done so, but Dumbledore had pointed out that if word got out that a werewolf was caring for the saviour of Magical Britain, said werewolf would be immediately slaughtered. And given the implications Sirius was making about Dumbledore, in retrospect, that held the air of a subtle threat.

"Why are you so opposed to him, Padfoot?" Remus asked.

Sirius snorted. "Let's list things off. I can maybe understand him not wanting to give me a trial, if he really believed I was the traitor. Emotions were running high, and my little substitution trick with Peter backfired badly. But when he was finally told of what happened, what did he do? Nothing. He sent Harry and Hermione to rescue me. Couldn't he have, say, opened a motion in the Wizengamot to look at my case? Played on the fear of Purebloods getting thrown into Azkaban willy-nilly? Have me interrogated with Veritaserum? No, he didn't. And while there could be an innocent explanation for it, my gut tells me otherwise. Dumbledore wants to use this house as a base of operations." He indicated the dark and dreary environs of 12 Grimmauld Place. "He also sent Nymphadora into vampire territory, and then started blackmailing her when she got turned. Vampires are treated about as well as werewolves in our society, as well you know, and if it got out publicly…I mean, The Quibbler claims the DMLE are full of vampires, especially Scrimgeour, but imagine if a vampire was found to be in the Aurors. Nymphadora's told Bones and Scrimgeour, and have apparently told them of my innocence on the QT. Got kicked out from the Aurors, at least officially, but unofficially, she's keeping an eye on the Pudding Club for them. They don't know how high up she is, though."

"They haven't done anything about it," Remus said. "Then again, without Peter, without Wormtail, there's little proof. And the mood of most of the Ministry is to have you Kissed on sight, so having you undergo an interrogation with Veritaserum is out."

"Oh, Dumbledore could manage it with political influence…but he doesn't want to waste any poltical capital on something he doesn't want to spend it on. You see what I mean, Moony? He cultivates obligations to him, ties people to him. He spoke up for Snivellous at the end of the war, probably to have a pet Death Eater as a spy in Voldemort's camp, despite the fact that, for all his expertise in Potions, he's a shitty teacher with the personality of a toxic potions dump. Oh, and Snivellous attacks Harry and his friends all the time. If Dumbledore really gave a damn about education rather than his little Machiavellian games, he would replace Snivellous."

Remus opened his mouth to object, but found he couldn't. "And Minerva…"

"Thinks the sun shines out of his arse. Given her sour expression, she probably sucks up his arse so much, she can taste the Lemon Sherbets. She's not bad, she's just too enamoured with his greatness. Out of the old Order, aside from yourself, the only one I can really trust is Mad-Eye, and he only really trusts himself."

"Not even the Weasleys?"

"Their youngest boy Ron abandoned Harry out of jealousy when his name came out of the Goblet," Sirius said. "We may never have been without flaws, but we never abandoned each other out of jealousy."

"No, just anger and suspicion over being Death Eaters," Remus remarked archly, remembering how the others distanced themselves from him during the previous war. Sirius winced.

"Yeah, but that was reasonable fear and anger. I was stupid enough to believe Peter was harmless, that he was a perfect Secret Keeper. Whereas Ron, well, he was immature, and he never approached Harry until after the First Task. Three and a half weeks. We resolved our spats at school within a week at most. I don't think he was being truly malicious, I just think he's a gold-digger who wanted some of the reflected fame from Harry. He's all take and little, if any, give. I might be prejudiced there, though. But you hear things like, well, remember how Molly joked about using a Love Potion to snare Arthur's attention? Anyway, that's not my point. I'm going out on a limb here, trusting you with what Harry has become. If you don't like it, or you're going to go to Dumbledore with your tail between your legs, then not only is our friendship over, but I will Obliviate you so hard, you'll forget your toilet training. But if you want to stand by Harry, and help him against Voldemort, as well as anyone else who would exploit him or see him dead, then we're going to be helping the Pudding Club."

It shouldn't have been so hard to make the decision. But he was caught between three impulses. They wrestled to and fro, before finally, Remus made the decision.

"I'll stand with him, Padfoot. Vampire or not, I'll stand with him. But for his sake, and yours, and for his parents."

Sirius sighed in relief. "Going to make a vow to that effect?"

"Of course. I'd rather die than let him be unprotected again."

"Well, we'd rather make the Death Eaters and any other enemies die first," Sirius chuckled darkly.

Harry was actually a little disappointed that he wasn't sleeping in a coffin. Sleeping for so long in the cupboard, surprisingly, gave him a slight case of claustrophilia. He actually liked sleeping in smaller spaces.

Not that he hated sleeping on a good bed. To the contrary, it was luxury upon luxury. But he was still mildly disappointed.

The four key members of the Pudding Club were sleeping in a large bedroom, each with a bed to themselves. Harry still baulked slightly at sharing a bedroom with a girl, let alone three of them (well, two girls and a young woman), but that was partly inexperience and embarrassment. While being a vampire heightened desires, like sexual desire, hunger (for blood in particular), possessions, fledglings, familiars, etc, he was still a teenaged boy who wasn't quite sure what to do. Luna had also declared a moratorium on the fun stuff for the triumvirate until they were 16. Not that vampires put much stock in either morality or the laws of mortals unless they wanted to, but she had made a promise to her father. Plus, it meant that they could bring in Tonks if she was still unattached.

Of course, once they hit 16, all bets were off.

Hermione was surprisingly open to a triumvirate with Harry and Luna, in both power and relationship terms. Hermione and Luna had spent much of the night before they went to sleep engaged in debates about magicryptozoology, House Elves rights, conspiracy theories, favourite foods, and who they intended to kill and how. Once she learned of how potent seer's blood was, Hermione realised that part of Luna's eccentricity was due to that. That, and Luna had been delighted to hear that Hermione was bisexual.

Then again, even though he only knew her for a short period of time, Harry could only classify Luna as pansexual.

They rose in the afternoon the next day, a nice compromise between the usually nocturnal nature of the vampire, and the still diurnal natures of Harry and Hermione. Technically, vampires didn't need sleep anyway, but Luna kept the habit, as had Tonks. They just slept whenever they felt like it.

Harry rose, in time to see what had to be Tonks getting up, dressed in her pyjamas. He blinked after a moment. She didn't have her punky hair at the moment. In fact, she looked a lot like…

"Yeah, I know, worst case of bed hair ever, and bed face to boot," Tonks said. "You've seen a picture of her, right? My Aunt Bella?"

Harry blinked, before he said, "Pensieve memory, actually. And you're right, you look like Bellatrix Lestrange…if she was sane and not a Death Eater. And had a makeover."

"Yeah, I take a lot after my mother in looks. She looks quite a bit like her sister," Tonks said, shifting her hair and face to her usual appearance. "Believe me, a lot of people reckon she's the same. She's a lawyer, actually. Went into Slytherin, but she's been the best mother to me." After a pause, she scowled, before amending it to, "Aside from calling me Nympha-fucking-dora."

"How does she feel about you being a vampire? Does she know?"

Tonks snorted. "Of course she does. Her teacher in law was a vampire. You met him yesterday. Newman. He's lived long enough to see laws changed and drafted both in Muggle and the magical world. He once said that he enjoys the wailing and gnashing of teeth he gets when he outsmarts some young buck. His words, not mine: he used that to describe Abraxas Malfoy, and old Abraxas was 62 at the time. And a friend of his was my big sister Genevieve(1)."

"She's my big sister too," Luna said sleepily as she rose, yawning, and showing a maw a theropod dinosaur would have pissed themselves on seeing. She was still clutching her Cthulhu doll.

"Yeah, she was the one who finally turned me. I'm a bit annoyed about that, but better her than anyone else," Tonks said. "Though how you got her to follow you...she's more powerful than the vampire who called himself Dracula, after all."

"Silly Nymphomania, she doesn't follow me. She just lets me be Queen of Vampires because it amuses us both. She doesn't like being a leader, just herself, a lone wolf," Luna said. "In any case, she's off in Europe, dealing with any covens who might wish to help Voldemort. She promised to send postcards."

Hermione, who had sat up groggily in bed, blinked. "Who're you talking about?"

"She's a vampire who was once one of Joan of Arc's soldiers," Luna said. "Let's just put it this way: Dumbledore wants her dead because she ate some of Grindlewald's followers during the Second World War, not to mention breaking his nose again, and she helped the real van Helsing develop a proper manual for battling rogue vampires. She's way more powerful than virtually any vampire still alive in Europe. And still looks sexy to boot."

"She generally doesn't turn people either," Tonks said. "She only turned me because Luna asked her to. That, and, well, we had a bit of a thing," she admitted, blushing slightly. "When I got accepted into Auror training, well…"

"Had a date?" Harry asked. He wasn't oblivious, he was just sparing Tonks embarrassment.

"A few," Tonks said, her blush deepening ever-so-slightly.

"Metamorphagi tend to be more fluid in their attitudes to things," Luna said. "Including sexuality."

"Luna!"

"What? It's a compliment," Luna said without any remorse whatsoever. "Anyway, you are older than me. Though Genevieve is even older. Would that make her a cougar if she's over five centuries older?"

"LUNA LAMIA LOVEGOOD!" Tonks snapped.

"NYMPHADORA LIBRA TONKS!" Luna shouted back.

"HARRY JAMES POTTER!" Hermione yelled, if only to get into the swing of things.

"HERMIONE JEAN GRANGER!" Harry roared, catching on.

"Rocky!" Luna gasped in faux-dismay. Which caused them all, save for Harry, to crack up. Then again, Harry had never watched The Rocky Horror Picture Show. He had heard of it, but hadn't watched it. Noticing his bemused expression, Luna said, "Okay, next movie night we're doing, we're watching it! And in costume! I'll be Janet in her underwear, Hermione will be Magenta, Tonks will be Columbia, and Harry…well, I think Riff-Raff or Brad will be best. I think Daddy will love dressing up as Frank-N-Furter…or Rocky."

"…Why do I have the feeling that I'm about to enter a new circle of Hell?" Harry asked.

"Hey, you'll love the music, Harry," Tonks said. "But that's for another time. We have a prison raid to undertake."

"Hey, let's stage the musical with our familiars later!" Luna yelped in excitement, standing on her bed and jumping on it. "Make them do the Time Warp!"

Hermione facepalmed. "Dear Merlin…" She then realised something. Three of those present suddenly sniffed. They could smell the smell of chocolate cake…except this was no ordinary chocolate cake smell. This was the sort of smell that would levitate and lure people towards it, even outside of a cartoon.

Then, the door opened, and Luna…another Luna skipped merrily in, carrying a small chocolate cake that nonetheless managed to be the archetype, nay, the apotheosis of all chocolate cakes. Harry felt he was getting cavities just by looking at it. "Here you go!" the second Luna said with a smile. "Special delivery of chocolate cake by Time Turner! By the way, past Luna, start cooking it, okay?"

"Oh, poo. My future self gets to have all the cake," Luna, the original, pouted.

"You'll have it soon enough, and you get to lick the bowl, anyway," future Luna said.

"You do raise a good point," Luna said, cheered again, and she skipped out, giving her future self a high five as she passed.

The remaining Luna looked at the others, who were staring at her in shock. "What? The Blinovitch Limitation Effect is bollocks anyway(2). The universe won't go boom when we touch. Just as well. There's a lot of things we can get up to when we're temporally duplicated. Now, eat up. We've got a prison to raid, and Death Eaters to eat…"

CHAPTER 5 ANNOTATIONS:

Yeah, the scene at the end sort of did run away from me. Anyway, I decided, despite it being forbidden by DZ2's challenge, to have Remus allied with Harry. He isn't going to be shipped with Tonks any time soon, though.

The whole think about shipping Tonks with Geneviève Dieudonné (for further details, see below) was sort of by accident, because I wanted more vampire references. I originally thought of Tonks as becoming part of a potential harem, and she may yet still be, but the thought of pairing Tonks with one of my favourite literary vampires is too appealing.

Now, before I start answering reviews, DZ2 was kind enough to give this fic a shout-out in their latest story, Harry Potter: Phantom Lord. Without their challenge, this story wouldn't be here. Now, their stories can be pretty dark, contain quite a lot of bashing, and take to canon with a cricket bat, but that's the joy of fanfic. Therefore, I will recommend a few of their stories, ones that I have personally enjoyed, though your mileage may vary…

Appetite for Power: Using a concept from the manga Fairy Tail, it depicts Harry as being capable of 'eating' elemental powers and using them to gain strength. My personal favourite of DZ2's works so far.

Harry Potter: Sorcerer Supreme: Lily survives (albeit in a coma for years), and Harry lives with the Grangers. This one has a lot of potential, and, despite a rather dark twist when Lily wakes, is one of DZ2's lighter works.

Child of the Phoenix: A crossover with X-Men, where Harry learns that he's actually the time-displaced child of Scott Summers and Jean Grey.

A Promise That I Keep: One of many time travel fics, with Weasley-bashing. And while I'm not fond of the Hermione-bashing in it, it's still quite promising so far, with adorable Luna-shipping.

While I'm at it, I'll also recommend a couple of other fics. I mentioned Silently Watches' Faery Heroes, based on Paladeus' Champions of Lilith time travel fic challenge. If you don't mind a metric fuckton of bashing, it's good, and certainly one of the best stories based on said challenge. I also like 's Tempest of the Fae.

Next, just to add some insanity as spice, I would recommend the Harry Potter/Batman Begins crossover oneshot Of Lipstick, Blood and Lunacy by EEstelle, where a pre-The Dark Knight Joker meets Bellatrix Lestrange.

Finally, some Harry Potter and Hellsing crossovers. This fic is a spiritual successor to my own fic Haemophilia, and that was inspired originally by sakurademonalchemist's It's in the Blood. Sadly, that fic hasn't gone beyond three chapters in her Short Story Drabbles, but if you want to see what she wrote, then head to chapter 123 of Short Story Drabbles. And some of this story was not only inspired by Hellsing Ultimate Abridged, but a fanfic called Harry Potter and the Endless Night by The Sage of Toads, which is a pseudo-prequel to Hellsing Ultimate Abridged. If you want humour and horror, with Harry and Hermione kicking arse along with Hellsing (and Draco wanting to become Integra's butler), then give it a go.

Review-answering time! Stratos263: Offhand, there is sakurademonalchemist's Dusk and Dawn, and Save Yourselves by Havens Run. In some favourites of my favourite authors, I've noticed a fic called Long Live the Queen by offsides. And I alluded to the Queen intervening in Haemophilia. Also, while Dumbledore's actions in canon can be spun in quite a villainous way, I usually prefer to reconstruct Dumbledore as a heavily flawed but ultimately good man. I only bash Dumbledore, or at least make him evil, if it suits the story.

Spaceduck the Majestic: Mostly, they will use their bare hands or their wands. You know, tear people apart like Seras in the midst of a blood rage. They'll also use wandless magic: I intend for Luna or one of the others to have a scene not unlike Dark Willow…complete with "Bored now". As for the clothing, well, I'm still yet to decide, but for the Azkaban raid, they each wear Naruto's jumpsuit and a beaglepuss. Nope, I'm not making that up. It's Luna's idea.

Reishin Amara: It's something I thought up while writing the initial chapters to the sequel for Is Your Great-Aunt an AI?! I felt there had to be a little more to the problem. Making them specially-bred drudges by the Fey does help remove some (but not all) culpability from the wizards. Dunno if someone's already done that, though…

MilandaAnza: You'll get your wish.

DZ2: Probably wouldn't make the Joker sane, but I appreciate the sentiment. I have actually read Twilight, and I found it merely mediocre and boring rather than truly abysmal, but I haven't bothered to read more of the series. Twi-shite is my personal nickname for it, though, but it's a common nickname. And I was going for that sort of reaction with the description of Dolores Umbridge's 'parentage': I got a similar reaction in my now-abandoned and archived story Resident Evil: Basilisk, where Ricardo Irving is described as looking like Umbridge and Pettigrew's offspring…with Harry then immediately regretting thinking of the two having sex.

Angel Arcano92: Might not happen. We're having wandless magic, wands, and brutal hand to hand. Guns may not make it in. If someone's going to use a very big cannon like Seras' Harkonnen, then it's going to be Luna. Can you imagine her wielding the Harkonnen?

Have a Little Feith: No, Murnau was more a silent films director (Nosferatu was from 1922), and the Wilhelm Scream was first heard in the 1951 film Distant Drums. And while vampires can still get sugar highs (and crashes), they can't get cavities or diabetes, due to being able to regenerate the affected parts (teeth and pancreases, respectively). I wasn't snippy, by the way, or at least that wasn't my intention. I just don't care that the Pudding Club is a euphemism for pregnancy. I have enough of those to last me a lifetime. Euphemisms, I mean.

JDS62: Harry won't be like Alucard as much: that's Luna's job. He and Hermione will be more of the straight man and woman to Luna and (to a lesser degree) Tonks' insanity. Oh, he'll channel a lot of Alucard's more scarier moments when the time is right, though…oh, and I hate blueberries. So there. :P

1. Geneviève Dieudonné, as well as Newman, are references to Kim Newman and his recurring vampire character, Geneviève Dieudonné, who is a main character in Anno Dracula (and appears in other works), which incidentally I wholeheartedly recommend. It's a bit League of Extraordinary Gentlemen in that it tries to cram in a lot of Victorian fictional characters, but it's still great. And as she is implied to have been a lover of Carmilla and definitely was a lover of Beauregard, it's not too much of a stretch to make her bi, as she seems to be canonically so. However, she will be a background character, and won't appear, except maybe in cameos.

2. The Blinovitch Limitation Effect was a series of laws often mentioned in Doctor Who, the most dramatic of which was that past and future selves of the same person (save for Time Lords) should not come into contact, otherwise, there can be an explosion from a short-out of temporal energy. This happens at the end of Mawdryn Undead when two versions of the Brigadier meet, but not only do they survive, the explosion actually helped save the Doctor.