CHAPTER 6:

ON THE TRIALS OF OBTAINING A TAKEAWAY MEAL FROM A PRISON FORTRESS

"You said you had seer's blood, right?" Harry asked as they drove their boat towards Azkaban. "So why didn't you foresee Voldemort's resurrection, or Cedric's death? Why didn't you do anything about those?"

Luna pursed her lips. She had been doing so already at the helm, albeit in order to whistle a jaunty sea-shanty. But now, it was more pensive. "Being a seer is not as easy as it sounds, Harry. You know Trelawney?"

"Of course. She's a fraud…mostly."

"Well, she has some seer's blood, but not much. But…we don't just see the future, we see past, present, and alternatives as well. Sorting them out is pretty hard, the human mind isn't equipped for multi-dimensional thinking, beyond three dimensions of space and one in time. Not only that, but we can't choose how we see the future, or a possible future," Luna said. "Divination at Hogwarts is mostly hogwash. You should try reading Dune some time, it has interesting and not inaccurate discourses on the nature of prescience(1). The upshot was, I didn't know Cedric was going to die, and as I was busy killing a vampire who wanted to join Voldemort, I couldn't intervene anyway. Most of my visions of the future were centred around you, Harry, as my future consort and mate. So you'll forgive me for having the prescience equivalent of tunnel vision."

Harry nodded, looking rather glum. Not that this was an inappropriate state of affairs, given that they were approaching Azkaban. "So, how are we dealing with the Dementors? I mean, other than through that bloody delicious cake?"

"Dementors and vampires are competitors for the same food source," Luna said. "Normally, this would be a problem, but vampire souls are tainted, as far as Dementors are concerned."

"I don't find that reassuring," Hermione said. "Isn't there anything that can kill them?"

"Not unless you want to let unspeakable horrors from beyond into our dimension," Luna said. "Now, as for the human guards, let Tonks and I handle them. You two are relatively new vampires, so you won't be able to hypnotise them as easily. Once we're ready, we'll divvy up the spoils, and then make it look like a breakout. Keep in mind that, while we may be tempted to eat them then and there, the longer we linger, the longer we run the risk of running afoul of the Dementors or anyone else."

"The Dementors could tell the others who was here," Harry said. "I seem to recall that the Dementors could communicate, and they were talking about what Sirius was doing in his cell after he escaped."

"Hence the chocolate cake," Luna said. "Do you know why it's such a potent antidote to the effects of Dementors? It's not just the comforting sensation of eating chocolate…chocolate actually erodes their aura. It's like garlic to fictional vampires. They like to stay as far away as possible. But it won't last long, and we may have human guards or visitors to deal with. And as Dementors sense thoughts, they won't be able to tell our identities, beyond us being vampires, and even then, they'd have to get close enough to be affected by the chocolate to do so. And the popular perception of vampires is that we would be allied to Voldemort. Casting the Dark Mark will just muddy the waters."

"Yeah, but wouldn't Voldemort kill the guards?" Hermione pointed out.

"Which is why we're going to merely make it seem like he blew open the prison from the outside, and took who he wanted," Luna said. "By the time anyone pokes any holes in the story, it'll be too late. Besides, most wizards are idiots. Then again, foolishness is not the exclusive province of wizards and witches."

"Got that right," Hermione said.

"Yeah. Remember Sirius," Tonks said.

In the end, it was surprisingly simple. So much so that Harry was waiting for things to go badly wrong. Luna had them dress up in what she called 'super stealthy vampire ninja outfits', which were all jumpsuits in an eye-searing, 'target practise' orange, and had them don Groucho Marx glasses, or beaglepusses, fake glasses with a big conk and moustache. Luna claimed that the costumes and glasses had Disillusionment Charms on them (amongst other things), while Tonks made some snide remark about how they looked so outrageous, nobody would believe they were breaking into Azkaban.

Though if they were breaking into St Mungo's mental health section, it was another matter entirely. They'd look like patients there.

Harry was glad that Luna's assertion about chocolate cake repelling Dementors seemed to work. Azkaban was depressing enough without them, all stone walls and metal bars and the damp was everywhere. Somewhere deep within him, he heard Petunia remark sniffily about the décor, while Vernon said that Harry deserved to be locked up in a place like this. Harry promptly gave Vernon Dursley the metaphysical equivalent of a hard kick to the balls. The ensuing howl of pain was music to his ears.

They soon reached the high security wing, and Luna promptly began tearing off cell doors with her bare hands. "One of these, and one of these, and OOH! One of those!" she said, transfiguring Death Eaters into stones which she summoned(2).

Tonks, meanwhile, had gone on ahead, and soon found her target. A vicious grin split her features, and as Harry and Hermione caught up, they soon found out why. "Hello, Aunt Bella," Tonks hissed.

"What's this? Ooh, if it isn't little bitty Nymphadora," came a sickeningly child-like voice. "How is that Blood Traitor whore of a mother of yours? Still sucking muddy cum from your Mudblood daddy's teeny-tiny wand? Then again, the best part of Andy ran down Mummy's thigh."

Hermione wrinkled her nose in disgust. Tonks sighed. "You just pressed the only buttons worse than the Nymphadora button, Aunt Bella. You shouldn't have done that." With a roar, she ripped off the cell door, and dragged what had to be Bellatrix Lestrange out. She certainly looked way more haggard and emaciated than how she appeared to Harry in the Pensieve memory. "I'm not afraid of you anymore, you psychotic bitch. But you should be."

Bellatrix blinked in confusion. "Why should I be afraid of myself?"

After a moment, Tonks said, "Fuck it, I'm eating you." Fangs filled her mouth, and with a roar, she bit down on Bellatrix's neck. The sound that emerged from Bellatrix's mouth was disturbingly orgasmic, as was her expression.

Harry and Hermione decided to help Luna out by tearing open cell doors rather than watch Bellatrix get off on having her blood drunk by her own niece. They also helped Luna subdue the Death Eaters before she and Hermione transfigured them.

A few minutes later, they returned to find Tonks transfiguring the corpse of Bellatrix Lestrange, which had a disturbingly content grin on its face. "I did NOT need the memories of my aunt fucking Voldemort!" she hissed quietly in disgust. "And from her viewpoint! Are we done yet? Only, I want to drink a LOT of Firewhiskey to try and forget that!"

"Nearly," Luna said, before she waved her hand. Part of a nearby wall collapsed inward, exploding into the corridor as if blasted from the outside. "Okay, Nymphie, your turn."

"I swear to whatever deity exists…"

"Oh, thanks for your patronage," Luna said with a smile.

Tonks scowled, before waving her wand. "MORSMORDE!" she yelled, and the familiar image of the Dark Mark appeared in the evening sky.

"Okay, time to make like a library and book it," Luna said.

A couple of hours later, they were back in the Pudding Club headquarters…which was a series of basements underneath the Rookery, Luna's home (said basements being under a Fidelius). They had just finished their takeaway meal, with Hermione wiping her mouth with her hand as she dumped the body of August Rookwood into the trapdoor. She caught a glimpse of a tentacle snatching the body as it fell. "Thanks for giving me the Unspeakable, Luna," Hermione said. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm glad he was only a murderer, and not a sadistic one at that. His knowledge was actually interesting. Some of the memories of the others, though…"

Harry winced. "Yeah. Believe me, you don't want to see what the Lestranges did. Let's just say that turning Neville's parents into vegetables was their least heinous crime. And don't talk to me about Dolohov, though some of his curses are pretty neat. I'm going to get the vampiric soul-eating equivalent of indigestion if we keep eating Death Eaters."

"And for all of his evil, Rookwood was a brilliant man," Hermione said. "Some of the stuff he saw in the Department of Mysteries…will the Unspeakables employ vampires?"

Luna shrugged. "I dunno, they're pale, nocturnal shut-ins who go about in dark clothing and have a sinister lair filled with things humanity is not meant to understand…they view vampires as competition, not comrades."

"Bugger."

"Oh, they may employ you. But they may also try to vivisect you during the interview."

"Double bugger."

"Vivisect?" Harry asked.

"Like dissection, only you're alive at the time," Luna said cheerfully. "Anaesthetic optional."

"Thank you for that mental image, Luna. I don't know what's going to drive me insane first, the crimes against humanity, morality and good taste by these Death Eaters, or you putting nightmarish images into my head."

"Sanity is overrated," Luna said.

"What I'm worried about is that the whole thing went off with very little hitch," Tonks said. "I mean, aside from getting bad memories that aren't even your own from a bunch of genocidal rapists, paedophiles, and killers. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop before we really begin celebrating."

"Moody taught you well, my Dionysian apprentice," Luna said. "But while there is still a possibility of something going wrong, we have had a success all the same. A few dozen Death Eaters are now our minions, Fudge going to be scared, Voldemort annoyed, and Dumbledore puzzled. STEP TWO OF NOM IS COMPLETE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" After a moment, noticing that nobody was joining in, she said, "What?"

"Luna, what have we told you about creepy laughter that sounds like Mark Hamill on drugs?" Tonks asked.

"That it's the best medicine?"

"No. Laughter is the expression of mirth and joy. We're here to celebrate a successful mission, not kill the Batman," Tonks said(3). "Showing your fangs doesn't help either."

"But making my minions soil themselves in terror is a vital part of being royalty of Dark Creatures," Luna pouted. "I mean, you're not my minions, you're my friends, future lovers, and trusted compatriots, but even so, I need people to practise my evil laughs in front of."

"Wait, wait…lemme try," Harry said, apparently on a whim. Hermione watched as Harry began to chuckle darkly, then laugh in ways that sent shivers down her spine…and oddly enough, made her want him all the more. It was like the evil laughter equivalent of Luna's Genocide by Chocolate.

Luna was staring at him once he had finished. Eventually, she said, "I'd be more annoyed at you upstaging me, but that was sexy as hell."

"Down girl," Tonks said. "But seriously, I haven't heard an evil laugh that good since my last Hammer Horror marathon. Christopher Lee, eat your heart out."

"EVIL LAUGHTER COMPETITION!" Luna yelled, pointing to the ceiling. "WHOEVER WINS GETS TO SNOG THE PERSON OF THEIR CHOICE AS PASSIONATELY AS THEY WANT!"

"…Do we need the competition?" Harry asked.

"YES! YOUR QUEEN DEMANDS IT!"

The next morning, across Magical Britain, a shockwave of fear and loathing spread over Magical Britain, at the speed of owl flight, with a few jumps here and there due to Apparition, Floo calls, and so on.

In the mansion of Lucius Malfoy, Voldemort stared at the paper headlines declaring a breakout in Azkaban, and then looked up at the fearful faces of those followers who were present with an eerily calm expression that nonetheless promised excruciating pain for the next person to catch his attention. When Walden Macnair sneezed, Voldemort instantly used the Cruciatus on him, and didn't stop until Macnair had soiled himself. Well, two minutes after that, anyway.

Incidentally, that was what Fudge did when he was told about the breakout at Azkaban, and the Dark Mark. Thankfully, he was able to go and change his clothes and retain some small shred of dignity without anyone noticing (or so he thought: Umbridge did notice, and noted it down in her mental leverage folder). Still, he could at least spin this in a way that meant he didn't have to buy into those ridiculous claims of Voldemort being back. Blame it on Sirius Black. An easy scapegoat. Now, he should begin stepping up his campaign to discredit Dumbledore and his delusional pawn, not knowing that Harry was free of delusions, and Dumbledore's chains.

Speaking of which, said old man had been calling in a number of favours to reform the Order of the Phoenix, and had been so wrapped up in his annoyance at Sirius refusing him, and going off the grid along with Tonks and Remus, that he didn't notice the monitoring devices on the wards around 4 Privet Drive were fading. At least not until he got his copy of The Daily Prophet, and, in shock, remembered to check them. His instruments indicated that Harry was dead.

He felt ambivalent about that. On the one hand, it meant he didn't have his weapon anymore, a martyr to sacrifice for the Greater Good, and he couldn't get him married into the Weasleys to ensure he didn't need to resort to too much financial acrobatics to get them the Potter monies…once he had taken his rightful share. On the other hand, it meant one less Horcrux, and one less obstacle in his way to uncontested leadership in Magical Britain. Oh, and the last of the Potter line was dead. And that meant that the magic obliging him to hand the Invisibility Cloak was over, and he could take it back. One step closer to becoming the Master of Death, and with it, Magical Britain. Now and forever.

Still, the Dark Mark hanging over Azkaban was also mixed news. It meant Fudge had less credibility in that smear campaign he was starting. At the very least, he would have to acknowledge the Death Eaters as a clear and present danger. Of course, what action he did take would be tricky. But Dumbledore was certain he could handle it. He could handle everything.

Of course, those with certainty had a form of tunnel vision, and that meant they didn't see the banana peel of inevitable chaos until it was too late…

CHAPTER 6 ANNOTATIONS:

Sorry if you guys expected more action. I hope it still tickled your fancy. I know it was meant for children, for the most part, but I reckon Bella would have been better off as a foul-mouthed harridan somewhere between just about every one of Stephen King's more unhinged villains, and Revy 'Two-Hands' from Black Lagoon.

Incidentally, I forgot to mention, that whole idea of Twilight fans trying to protect Stephanie Meyer in the past in Chapter 4 was inspired by sakurademonalchemist's Best Served Cold. If you want a hilarious time-travel fic with elements of Clell65619's Inspected by No 13 (which is hilarious in its own right), give it a go.

Finally, this'll be the last chapter for a while. Hope you enjoy it anyway. For another DZ2 challenge-inspired story, check out the first chapter of Just a Touch of Kleptomania in The Cauldron.

Review-answering time! duskrider: I'd actually prefer to have Big Finish do an audio drama adaptation instead. They do quite a lot of book adaptations, and their Doctor Who stories are brilliant.

DZ2: Glad you enjoyed the shout-outs. Without you, this story wouldn't be here. :)

Reishin Amara: Actually, Luna was thinking, one for Harry and one for Hermione.

DragonTamer01: Yes. Yes I did.

1. Dune is easily one of my most favourite science fiction novels of all time, and Paul Atreides' descriptions of his own prescience, and his attempts to ensure the best possible futures take place, are interesting. I personally prefer the Sci-Fi Channel miniseries: though cheap-looking, it kept more of the themes of the story, and was closer to the book. David Lynch's film, while still good and with brilliant production design, nonetheless messed around too much with the story for my liking.

2. I vaguely remember this line being spoken by Abys Mal from Aladdin 2: The Return of Jafar.

3. I couldn't resist this reference to The Big Bang Theory episode The Griffin Equivalency, where Sheldon's attempt at faking a smile gets a similar reaction.