CHAPTER 7:
ON THE MEETING OF VAMPIRES, WEREWOLVES, AND FUGITIVES
Remus had to admit to being understandably skittish about this. But Sirius, via Tonks, had set up the Floo in 12 Grimmauld Place so he could Floo straight there. He needed to use a password: Cthulhu fhtagn. And with that, the two of them were off to the Pudding Club, later the morning the news broke about Azkaban.
They stepped out of the flames into a waiting room, clearly some basement room, but pretty well-furnished. But the eye-burning rainbow-coloured wall decorations he could do without. The door was locked, and Sirius told him to wait: a ward would alert them to their presence.
Soon, a rather ruffled and tired-looking Tonks entered. Remus could feel the werewolf within snarling in fear. "Wotcher," she said tiredly. "Sorry, we just had a busy night. You're lucky vampires don't need to sleep that often. So, you persuaded him?"
"I'm doing this for Harry's sake," Remus said. "I made a vow in front of Sirius."
"A very Sirius vow," Sirius smirked, leading to groans at the crime against the laws of good comedy. "Anyway, there's even more serious news. Azkaban…"
"…Has been broken into and the Death Eaters there have disappeared," Tonks said. "Yeah, we know."
"You read it in the Prophet?" Remus asked.
Tonks shook her head, before she belched quietly. Patting her chest, she said, "Sorry 'bout that, Aunt Bella's repeating on me."
Understandably, Remus and Sirius stared at her. Also understandably, Sirius recovered first, got what she implied, and, surprisingly, smiled. "Well, let's face it, she'd repeat on anyone."
Remus blinked, before he said, in a small voice, "That was you? You…broke into Azkaban and ate those Death Eaters?"
"Yep. You've got a problem?"
After a moment's careful consideration, knowing that the wrong answer may see him unable to ever see Harry again, Remus said, "Apart from vampiric cannibalism, I don't have much of a problem with trimming the Death Eater population down a bit. Dumbledore probably will, though."
"He likes to take the moral high ground, even when he has no right to it," Tonks snorted contemptuously. "Incidentally, Remus, you want any chocolate cake? We have a little left over from yesterday, and I heard from this mutt that you're a major chocoholic."
"Umm…does it have any blood or viscera in it?"
"No!"
"Well, I might give it a try…"
About twenty minutes later, Sirius poked at the catatonic form of Remus Lupin with a finger, the werewolf having a rather blissful look on his face, staring at some point in the infinite while drool grew a stalactite from his lips. He had entered this state with a few disturbingly orgasmic noises after eating a small slice of that cake. "Okay, I have two questions," Sirius asked. "One, is that a normal reaction to eating that cake? And two, is he insensate enough for me to doodle on his face?"
They were in the meeting room of the Pudding Club, and Luna said, with an unnerving grin, "One, the reaction is usually not quite that intense, but he's a chocoholic who has just found out what the Food of the Gods is really like(1), and two, yes, but I suggest hurrying." She handed Sirius a marker pen. "It's not permanent ink. I'd suggest playing 'Name that Moustache(2),' but we need to shave his own off first, and I don't think he would appreciate it...especially as it is a Symbiotic Hairy Nematode …"
A few scrawled doodles later, Remus had recovered enough (the solvent from the marker pen not helping his dazed state any) that they could hold a civil conversation. Not a particularly sane one, thanks mostly to the one convening it: Luna Lamia Lovegood, the Vampire Queen of the Pudding Club. And Runner Up in the Evil Laugh Competition (Harry won, but Luna and Hermione enjoyed the snogs that followed). But a civil conversation, especially considering four vampires and a werewolf were involved.
In her most queenly voice, Luna peered at Sirius and Remus while dressed in her robes of state (a bedsheet tie-dyed in colours that would have given a hippy a headache) and her crown of office (a cardboard and aluminium foil replica of the Diadem of Rowena Ravenclaw she made when she was eight, and thus looked a little tattered to say the least). Her gaze was haughty. "So, these two are the survivors of the Marauders. We cannot say that we are impressed."
"Luna…" Harry groaned.
"Be silent, our consort," Luna said. "We are not amused, but we are remedying that. What makes you two believe you are of use to us?"
"Well, I can name many things, but causing chaos and discord in the name of sticking it to our enemies probably tops the list from your point of view, right?" Sirius asked.
Luna pouted. "Poo. I wanted to see you grovel a little while I talk with majestic plurals, but you had to go and take the fun out of it by answering correctly. Maybe I'll get more fun out of the Weasley Twins."
"You'd either get them to start worshipping you as a goddess, or else have them soil themselves in fear," Hermione said with fond exasperation.
"Maybe I can do both," Luna mused with a grin that could not be considered sane by any metric. Par for the course with her, really, even before she became a vampire. "I like the idea of being worshipped. WORSHIP LUNA LAMIA LOVEGOOD, VAMPIRE QUEEN AND GODDESS OF CHAOS AND KITTENS!"
"So, what's happening?" Harry asked, trying to get things back on track. "I mean, I know we set the cat amongst the pigeons…"
"To say the least, Pup. It's bedlam. Dumbledore kept Flooing me, still trying to pressure me to allow him to use 12 Grimmauld Place as his HQ. Told him to shove it," Sirius said. "I told him, until he agreed to train Harry, the Order would never be allowed at my home. Not that it's home to me, but it's a good hideout. That being said, I might need you to run interference at the DMLE, Tonks, because I think he may try to out my location."
"Not that simple, Sirius," Tonks said. "I was dumped from the DMLE, officially anyway. When Dumbledore tried holding my status over me, I went straight to Scrimgeour and Bones. They agreed to kick me out…officially, anyway. Unofficially, they want me to be their spy on the Order…and a liaison with Genevieve and the Pudding Club. I told them about your innocence, but their hands are tied, because we can't get Pettigrew as evidence."
"However, the DMLE only believe that Tonks is a low-ranking member in the Pudding Club," Luna said, "so she can get away with only feeding relatively unimportant information. They believe she is part of one of the sub-covens, rather than my right-hand woman. We are being illegal, and while we might have been able to get away with killing off Death Eaters, we might not be able to get away with the rest of our plan. So it's just as well that she can claim ignorance. And they can't use Legilimency to prove otherwise, because of the multiple souls within her. And vampires are allergic to Veritaserum."
Harry blinked. "They are? Like, we die?"
"No, we just go crazy, like if it's seer's blood. Luna spiked some blood I was drinking once for shits and giggles, and I ended up dancing on the ceiling quoting Richard III(3)."
"Who incidentally wasn't a villain. He was just made out to be one by the Tudors," Luna said. "His nephew, well, one of them, became a vampire. I met him once. Looks nothing like Brian Blessed(4)."
"Anyway," Remus said, trying desperately to get the conversation back on track, "we thought we'd come and help you. Even if it's only by running interference with the Order. The weird thing is, the last time we spoke to Dumbledore…well, he didn't say it out loud, but I could have sworn he was talking about you in the past tense. As if he thinks you're dead."
"He had special charms on Harry linking him to instruments in his office," Luna said. "I saw them when I drank his blood: somehow, I was able to see through the link he had with them. But the link was severed when he turned into a vampire. He died for just long enough for the instruments to stop working, and the link was severed."
"So…does this mean we can't let Dumbledore see him alive?" Hermione asked.
Luna frowned. "On the one hand, that's not a problem. He'll assume it's a fault with his instruments. He might believe that Harry suffered from a fatal attack but was revived. He's not an idiot, he knows that Muggles have resuscitation equipment that makes our medicine look tame. But on the other hand, he might be suspicious as to how he survived, and the moment he passes the Hogwarts wards, Dumbledore will know, given the anti-vampire detection wards. So, heading back to Hogwarts is a no-no. Same for you, Hermione. Sorry."
After a moment, Hermione admitted, "I'd be more upset, but I got more of an education drinking those Death Eaters' blood than I ever did at Hogwarts. I should write a book: Everything You Wanted to Know About the Dark Arts, But Were Too Afraid to Ask. In fact, I want to eat more." She seemed to have an epiphany, her eyes glittering with unholy purpose. "Luna, Harry, I have dibs on Snape. I want his potions and Dark Arts knowledge." Her eyes widened in a strange lust. "I MUST HAVE THEM!"
Luna looked askance at Hermione. "Okay, but you know what they say about having too much greasy food."
"That's his hair, not his blood!"
"Which will be filled with bits from a lifetime of potions and their fumes."
"…Ew."
"And he had a thing for Lily," Remus pointed out. "Who knows what sort of masturbatory fantasies he has that you'll see when you drink his blood."
"…Double ew." By now, Hermione looked like she had sucked a lemon.
"X, Y, and Z," Luna sang cheerfully. "Now I know my ABCs, won't you come drink blood with me?"
After a moment, Remus said, "The sad thing is, I've heard worse once from Lily when she joined us for a pub crawl. We always used to joke Lily was like a Lovegood when she was plastered."
"And there's nothing wrong with that, Professor Lupin, is there?" Luna asked in a sweet but dangerous tone of voice that made the werewolf sweat.
"No," he said in a quiet, 'Please don't kill me' voice.
"Good. I'm glad we're in concordance," Luna said, smiling sweetly, but showing her fangs off all the same. "Be nice, and I will give you more cake if you want. You seemed to reach chocolate nirvana there."
A strange, misty quality came over the werewolf's eyes. "Oh yes," he murmured. "Though I think a better term would be a Theobroma theophany."
"Oh, that's a good one," Luna said. "Theobroma theophany. Maybe I should rename my cake that. Genocide by Chocolate has bad connotations, even if it's a reference to Terry Pratchett. Yes, Theobroma Theophany…that has a nice ring to it. I might give you the recipe later…as well as the chance to shoot Fenrir Greyback with a silver bullet."
Remus blinked. "Well, when you put it like that…"
There was a knocking on the door. "My bloodthirsty little radish?" Xenophilus called out. "Stoker came and delivered a letter. It seems quite urgent."
"Coming, Daddy," Luna said, skipping over to the door, opening it, and taking the letter. She frowned as she read it, though that frown soon turned to a fang-filled grin. Faint giggles escaped her mouth, building into chuckles, and then gales of malevolent laughter. Then, after a moment, she stopped, pouting. "Oh, poo. Where was that evil laugh when we did the contest?"
"More to the point, who's the letter from? And what's it about?" Sirius asked.
"Ah, ah, ah! You don't poke your nose into other people's private correspondence," Luna said, waggling a chiding finger. "But as you are now officially accessories to…I mean, associates of the Pudding Club, I might as well deign to tell you."
"Wait, what do you mean, accessories?" Remus asked with a bemused and mildly horrified look.
"Anyway," Luna said, ignoring Remus, "this missive is a rather pompous and bombastic demand for help from us. No prizes for guessing who."
Harry sighed. "Voldemort?"
"Yep. Got it in one! He basically wants our help in bolstering his forces, now that his Azkaban reserve are, unbeknownst to him, in our metaphysical tummies."
"Only you, Luna, could use the term 'metaphysical tummy' with any form of gravitas," Hermione sighed. "Are you going to say no?"
Luna pursed her lips. "That would be boring and staid. I don't do boring and staid. Neither would I say I would be joining him." Her eyes widened. "Ooh! Ooh! I've got a brilliant idea! I'm going to send him a slice of my cake!"
"He'll probably not eat it," Hermione pointed out.
"Not if I say that I may join him if he eats it," Luna said smugly. "He'll have to eat it then. Not before testing it for any poisons or potions."
"You're not going to put any in it?" Remus asked, confused.
"It ruins the flavour," Luna said. "Anyway, we want to mess with his head, lead him around a little. I'd say drive him insane, but that'd be a short trip."
"Like this place is the paragon of sanity," Tonks muttered mutinously.
"But you guys love me," Luna pouted. "Anyway, when we do send the cake, I will ask to have an emissary sent to us to negotiate. I will ask for a specific emissary, someone known to be a Death Eater, and alive. Sadly, that rules out Pettigrew, as they'd wonder how we know he's alive. But…well, Hermione, you know how you said you wanted to eat Snape?"
Hermione's eyes widened, and her own fang-filled smile appeared. "Ohhh…you mean eat him, turn him into a familiar, and have him as our spy in both the Death Eaters AND the Order?"
"Exactly!" Luna said, matching Hermione's grin with her own, Harry and the others joining in in a congress of smiles that didn't bode well for a certain Potions Master…
CHAPTER 7 ANNOTATIONS:
Hoo boy, the plot's thickening now. Hope you enjoyed that little bit of insanity.
Incidentally, by the time this chapter is published, I have also published Just a Touch of Kleptomania as a full story. While less cracky than this story, it nonetheless features humorous Lunar Harmony goodness based on a DZ2 challenge, just like this story. Give it a go.
The next chapter of this story will be posted with the next big update sometime in the middle of March. Keep an eye out, as you'll get to see Snape getting his…and Voldemort undergoing a spiritual experience. Though it won't change him…not for the better, anyway…
Review-answering time! PersonaQeminod1: I'll consider it. The vampires in this story are only weakened by sunlight, not hurt by it, and running water does jack, so going down to the beach would be fine.
duskrider: I know, right? Audio dramas are highly underrated as a medium. A lot of the stuff Big Finish did for Doctor Who is miles above what has ever been done for TV. To put that into perspective, the new series episode Dalek was based on Jubilee, an audio drama Robert Shearman (who wrote Dalek) had written for Big Finish. While Dalek is a brilliant episode, Jubilee is even more so, being darkly funny, as well as raising very pertinent issues about defanging our villains…as well as comparing humans to the Daleks…and finding us wanting.
Detinc: I don't know of any other vampire Harry fics offhand. That being said, I have written a dhampir Harry story for Haemophilia, a crossover with Hellsing, which was based on an idea of sakurademonalchemist's, and it uses much of the same humour, though it is far more serious than this work. I can also recommend Harry Potter and the Endless Night by The Sage of Toads which, while it doesn't have a vampire Harry, has Harry working for Hellsing…as Walter's protégé. It is cracky and hilarious, and I recommend it completely and utterly. After all, what other fic can have Harry owning Mad-Eye Moody after a prolonged duel, and then bodysurfing him out of St Mungo's? Or Alucard shoving Integra's uncle into a cow?
DalkonCledwin: That is why I asked them before I did the challenge, so that I could use the general idea of the challenge with their permission. Tom the Bomb wasn't based on Issei: I thought of him as a failed glam rocker turned vampire. If I had to choose a fictional character that inspired me, albeit subconsciously, it'd be a more evil version of Mark Gatiss' character Les McQueen from the comedy series The League of Gentlemen. I'm pretty sure I have seen Cthulhu plushies on sale online, and if there aren't, there needs to be. I mean, I have plushie microbes, namely Salmonella, Malaria, and the Flu. And there needs to be a Haiyore! Nyarko-San! crossover with Harry Potter. There used to be one, but I think it got taken down.
DZ2: I have to confess, I was not that great a fan of Mark Hamill as the Joker, but that was because I was more familiar with the movies than the animated TV series. That being said, Hamill's performance in the Arkham games is brilliant, and you can't tell it's Luke Skywalker. A lot of the actors who play the Joker are brilliant. Aside from Hamill, I also love the voice Michael Emerson did for the adaptation of The Dark Knight Returns, and Troy Baker did a good job for Batman: Arkham Origins. And, of course, I can't forget either Jack Nicholson or Heath Ledger for their live-action versions, though I can't judge, for example, Cesar Romero, if only because I haven't really seen the old camp Batman TV live action series. Also, bugger is a perfectly good British expletive. I love using it.
antishyguy weegee: Dammit, I should have used that joke, I completely forgot about it! :(
Paladeus: Wow, it's pretty good to hear from you, considering that your Champions of Lilith challenge inspired a couple of my favourite stories. I have already answered Paladeus in correspondence, but Hermione is NOT a familiar. She was turned into a vampire. And the Doctor Who reboot started with the Ninth Doctor (who is technically the Tenth if you count the War Doctor, but in terms of nomenclature, the War Doctor is an irrational number). I recommend you watch some of the classic series, and even track down the Big Finish audios too.
The-Black-Baron-1943: Well, I've known the word for a while. Hell, it's even in a Monty Python sketch about elections. At one point, they mention a notorious moral guardian called Mary Whitehouse: "Mary Whitehouse has taken umbrage. Well, no surprises there…" Plus, Rowling obviously used the word umbrage as the basis of a certain toad's last name…
deathgeonous: I chose Naruto's outfit because that's the opposite of what a shinobi should wear, and the beaglepuss/Groucho Marx glasses because I had been reading Homestuck, and part of the first act involves John Egbert disguising himself with such a thing. I'd only known them as Groucho Marx glasses rather than beaglepusses, so I expanded my vocabulary there. And I also thought of one of the principles that Douglas Adams discussed when explaining the Somebody Else's Problem field in Life, the Universe, and Everything: disbelief helps, so painting a mountain pink and using a SEP field would be a more effective way of rendering something invisible than anything else. Plus, Luna was being playful.
SurealFoxtrot: If you haven't done so, watch Hellsing Ultimate Abridged. That's a near-perfect combination of horror and comedy. Assuming you don't mind some off humour and know something about Hellsing.
1. Chocolate is sometimes called the Food of the Gods, and the genus name of the cacao plant, Theobroma, reflects this. Hence the later joke about Theobroma Theophany.
2. A joke used in the Red Dwarf episode Trojan. After Rimmer suffers from a hologrammatic computer crash due to built-up resentment and ends up in a catatonic state, Lister and the Cat play this game, with Cat, going first, drawing Salvador Dali's moustache on Rimmer's face.
3. The going crazy and quoting Shakespeare reaction to taking truth serum is my nod to Lois McMaster Bujold's very excellent science fiction novel series The Vorkosigan Saga. There's a truth serum in that series, fastpenta, which important people have an engineered allergy to, so they will literally die if they are forced to give up secrets. The protagonist of most of the novels, Miles Vorkosigan (think a brittle-boned Tyrion Lannister in the future on a militaristic planet, and you have someone not unlike Miles), has a non-lethal allergy due to his physiology: he becomes hyperactive and quotes Shakespeare. I'm pretty sure this happens in both Brothers in Arms and Cryoburn. If you ever want a military science fiction series that is at turns serious and comedic, try The Vorkosigan Saga.
4. Brian Blessed played Richard III's grown-up nephew in The Black Adder, later becoming Richard IV after Bosworth Field. Don't ask how that's possible. It's just funny.