CHAPTER 12:

ON THE RETURN TO SECONDARY EDUCATION

Over the past couple of months, Dumbledore was getting increasingly frustrated. After all, every time he ate the chocolate cake he had been given, he'd basically become high (not that Dumbledore didn't enjoy the experience, but given the threats of lawsuits from Minerva, Pomona and Poppy, as well as the repair bill, he had to refrain from eating more of the cake), Harry Potter was nowhere to be found, Severus Snape had been traumatised by the sight of Voldemort having sex with his familiar, and Fawkes had been leaving at odd times. And that was without going into the increased vampire activity across the UK of late. The Queen of the Vampires in the UK was steadily gathering power, and Dumbledore could only hope that the vampires, if not allied to Voldemort, could reduce their numbers. Of course, that meant supplanting one darkness with another, something Dumbledore couldn't tolerate. He'd need to find a way to use Tonks to get rid of the Queen of Vampires. And if she didn't succeed? Well, one less Black in the world to worry about. And one less vampire.

Dumbledore had also heard of mysterious disappearances from Muggle jails, disappearances that only halted about a week ago. Of the worst murderers and rapists disappearing without a trace. Most Muggle authorities chalked it up to them escaping. But after Azkaban, and Voldemort (according to Severus) not regaining the followers who vanished, Dumbledore wasn't so sure. Either the Queen of Vampires was recruiting more members for her army, a horrifying-enough thought on its own (but why not turn more prisoners?), or, more likely, she and her minions were feeding on those prisoners, turning them into their familiars. And that would not do at all.

The problem was, Tonks was useless in getting any more information about the Queen. She refused to respond to any summons. Neither did Remus or Sirius. In fact, lately, the post owls to Tonks refused to go, as if they couldn't find their target. There had even been mysterious reports of steamrollers appearing out of thin air to squash some Death Eaters.

All of which was most aggravating. Dumbledore sighed. It was really like trying to lead a bunch of wilful, retarded children. How could they know what was best for them? Why couldn't they just allow him to guide them and lead them? Why couldn't he be allowed to shape Harry's destiny? Whether Harry lived or died, his life was purely for the benefit of Albus Dumbledore, either as a martyr, a symbol for people to rally around posthumously, or else as Albus' successor, once he was inculcated in the ways Magical Britain should truly be.

And now, Fudge had decided to send Dolores Umbridge as the new DADA teacher, as well as the High Inquisitor of Hogwarts. That most aggravating woman…Dumbledore shuddered. Fudge had sent her here purely to find ways of usurping Dumbledore.

Still, one thing was heartening, at least. He had since learned from his spies that Harry Potter had been spotted in Diagon Alley, shopping for supplies, in the company of Hermione Granger and, of all people, Luna Lovegood. Dumbledore felt ambivalent about that. On the one hand, Harry still being alive meant that his other plans could still go ahead. Given all the trouble Harry had put him through, falling off the radar like that, Dumbledore had decided that he would ensure that Harry became a martyr instead of making him into his successor (he had Neville Longbottom to groom into that). It was all for the Greater Good, after all, or at least it would certainly give Dumbledore no end of personal satisfaction. So in the end, same thing, really…

A disused storeroom in King's Cross Station. With a tortured howl of grinding machinery, a statue of Luna Lovegood in what looked like the mutant offspring of a leotard and a toga appeared. A portal of light appeared, and Harry, Hermione, and Luna left…oh, and Luna. Again. Dressed in the same costume as her statue. All four, improbably, seemed to be in their twenties now rather than their teens. In fact, all four were actually far, far older. "Hey, thanks for travelling with me, guys," the Luna who resembled the statue said with a grin.

"You're welcome," the vampire Luna said to her twin. "Will you be able to get back to your home dimension all right?"

"Yeah. Omega and the Rani will probably be wondering where I am," the other Luna said with a pout. "I mean, I'm a time machine! I can sit out the entirety of the Roman Empire and then come back in time for tea! And unlike the Doctor's, I won't screw up the destination! Not unless I want to, anyway. Of course, as vampires, you're technically my enemies, because, you know, that's how Time Lords feel about vampires(1), but I can't say no to a pretty face with a hot body."

The vampire Luna squealed, and began snogging her counterpart. "Luna is kissing a version of herself who is a TARDIS," Hermione said flatly. "I'd call it narcissism, but…it's just weird."

"I don't know whether it counts as incest or masturbation," Harry remarked. They had spent some very interesting years (well, a few decades by now) with Luna's counterpart. Including learning that their alternate selves were reincarnations of Time Lords, they had managed to gain the loyalty of Bellatrix Lestrange, and they had some pretty weird powers.

"Our Luna is now a vampire, and that Luna is now a time machine made out of mathematically-engineered matter," Hermione said with a resigned sigh. "I think it's more the latter." Louder, she said, "Get a room, you two!"

"I've got rooms!" the TARDIS Luna pouted as she and her vampiric counterpart broke off their kiss. "Plenty of them inside me! We've used them, remember? We've used the bedroom, the kitchen, the bathroom…"

"…Which is a swimming pool," Harry said(2).

"And we're in a room!" the TARDIS Luna pouted.

"It's okay," vampire Luna said, gently placing a hand on her counterpart's shoulder. "When you get bored, just come on over to this dimension, look us up. Hopefully, we'll have dealt with Voldemort and Dumbledore already. Oh, and if you see Zelretch again, say hi to him for me, okay?"

"Okay," the TARDIS Luna said with a smile.

They made their goodbyes, then the TARDIS Luna skipped back through the portal of light. The statue then disappeared with its habitual grinding howl.

After a moment, Hermione said, "You know, I would complain about that little adventure, but I have to say, in spite of the weirdness, I actually enjoyed that. Makes coming back here to clean up this mess just a big chore."

"Look at it this way," Harry said with a shrug. "We've done a lot of training, eaten a lot of bad people, and we have the experience now to take down Dumbledore and Voldemort. And we've only been gone for a short while. Tonks, Sirius and Remus would have kept the others safe."

"Well, let's go, then," Luna said with a grin. "Now, don't forget, use transformations to look like we're in our teens."

Hermione rolled her eyes. "We know…"

With a use of 'the World' later, Harry, Hermione and Luna were seated on the Hogwarts Express. Not long afterwards, a red-haired man appeared in the compartment with them in a flash of flame, accompanied by a white-haired woman with yellow eyes. "Ah," the man said. "Good to see you again."

"Umm…huh?" Harry asked coherently.

"Oh, sorry, we haven't met, at least with us looking like this," the man said. "I'm Fawkes. Well, that's what the meddlesome old goat called me. And that's Hedwig."

Harry and Hermione both stared at the two birds, transformed. Eventually, Harry said, "You know what? The sad thing is, thanks to Luna, I've seen stranger shit."

"And you've grown older, Harry," Hedwig said. "All of you have. Time travel?"

"Time travel," Luna affirmed. "You're a hot bird, Hedwig."

As Hedwig spluttered and blushed, Fawkes chuckled. "Actually, given that I can burst into flames, I'm hotter. Literally, anyway."

"Well, you're not so bad looking yourself for a transformed Phoenix," Luna said with an appreciative look. "Want to join the Pudding Club? Honorary member, obviously, I don't think we can turn Phoenixes into vampires."

Fawkes chuckled again. "What can I say? I was certainly amused by what you did to Dumbledore. And unlike many vampires, you are at least, shall we say…moral, after a fashion. Loose morals, admittedly, but morals you still have. Actually, it was my very great pleasure to meet Genevieve a few centuries ago. You are very much like her, if somewhat chaotic. In any case," he continued, his handsome features becoming solemn, "I have witnessed Dumbledore's machinations go on for long enough. And my bindings are weakening. Thanks to your sabotaged chocolate cake, he's forgotten to renew them. A simple Finite should break them."

Hermione soon had her wand out, and waved it. Fawkes convulsed briefly, and sighed. "Oh, much better. Hey, even the ones the Founders put on me are gone. Great! I want to do some travelling. Oh don't get me wrong, I still think of Hogwarts as home, but it's so bloody boring to be stuck there, at the beck and call of the Headmaster. Seriously, as bad as Dumbledore was, you don't want to know what Phineas Black had me do."

"No, we don't," Harry and Hermione chorused, speaking over Luna's "Yes we do!"

"So…since when did you look like a human, Hedwig?" Harry asked.

"Fawkes here used the spell on me. As it happens, I have enough magic and intelligence to use it at will." She shrugged. "He's a charmer, but we're still working with the age gap. I'm twenty-five, he's lived for over a millennium…actually, how old are you guys now?"

Harry, Hermione, and Luna looked at each other, before Harry said, "Umm, fifty-odd, I think? It's hard to tell with time travel, as well as when you're a vampire and aging is optional."

"The upshot is, we're old enough to get really intimate!" Luna chirped. "Which reminds me, we need to get Tonks in on the action. Oh, and can we add you guys to the fun?"

Fawkes and Hedwig looked at each other, before she said, "As long as it's only while we're in human form. Otherwise, it'd be too much weird for us."

"And for the readers, I'm sure," Fawkes said.

"Oh, you can break the fourth wall too?" Luna asked.

"I've lived for a long time, Luna, I've picked up more than a few tricks," Fawkes said. "There was this rather vulgar if funny fellow in red and black spandex. Called himself the Merc with the Mouth, whatever that was. He taught me many things, as despite my age, I am also smart enough to know when I can learn something new."

"Please don't spread the insanity," Hermione groaned. "I don't want the walls of space and time cracking open and the essence of Azathoth oozing through the cracks."

"Fine," Fawkes said, holding up his hands in surrender. "Incidentally, what do you want to do with the Weasleys?"

"Oh, don't worry. I've done a bit of shipping as a diversionary tactic," Luna said coyly…

Later on, as the Hogwarts Express moved out of the station, Ginny and Colin Creevey were having a snog in their compartment. They had bonded over their mutual stalkerdom…sorry, their interest in Harry Potter. They were even discussing what they had in their little shrines. A match made in Heaven, Hell, or Purgatory, depending on your opinion, though they would certainly have a happy marriage, even if it was a slightly twisted one.

And in another compartment, Ron Weasley (who was now sporting a prefect badge) was listening as Susan Bones spoke about what things were like in the DMLE. He didn't know it, but a spark would eventually grow that would lead to him having a deeper relationship. Ron Weasley would grow up. Yeah, believe it or not, he's capable of that!

But for the rest of this narrative, the Weasley brood, by and large, have become irrelevant. They got their happily ever afters, even if they weren't the ones they expected. Now, back to the core members of the Pudding Club…

"…And that's why gnomes that steal underpants are a dangerous threat to wizarding society," Luna concluded.

The others in the compartment looked at each other in bemusement, so it was to some considerable relief that the compartment door was opened, and Draco Malfoy made his annual contractual obligation appearance to attempt to taunt, intimidate, and threaten Harry Potter. And he was flanked, as always, by his minions, Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle, a pair of thugs who looked like shaved gorillas, if that wasn't an insult to gorillas everywhere. Oh, and he had a prefect badge.

"Oh, bugger!" Hermione said, slapping her head. "I got one of those in the mail before we left on holiday!" She fished around in her robes and found it, before pinning it to them.

Draco snorted. "A Mudblood as a prefect? Standards are really slipping," he sneered. "And who are these two? More filth?" he asked, indicating Fawkes and Hedwig, who were still in their human forms.

Harry, Hermione and Luna all looked at each other. Then, Harry cast an Accio, bringing the three into the compartment, Hermione closed the door with a spell, and Luna set up the biggest privacy charm she could set up. "Good news, Draco," Harry said with a vicious grin, showing off his fangs. "We're feeling a little peckish, and what do you know, we've just had some food turn up."

"What?! You're vampires?!" Draco demanded.

"Yep," Hermione hissed. "Can I please eat Draco, Harry? I want to get back at him for all the times he's called me a Mudblood."

"Sure, leave Luna and I with the fatty foods," Harry snarked good-naturedly.

"You can't do this!" Draco yelped.

"Why not? Is it because your father will hear of this? Oh believe me, Draco, he'll be following you shortly thereafter," Hermione hissed.

"Or is it because I'm supposed to be Dumbledore's little lapdog?" Harry snarled. "Newsflash, I'm not. The dog's biting back. It's no more Mr Nice Guy, Malfoy. I gave you so many chances, and you threw them back in my face."

"No, you did! You refused my offer!"

"Because you were an arrogant little twat with bleached hair and a gene pool that was more of a gene puddle," Harry said. "What did you say to me on the Express on the way back after our fourth year? That my friends would be next to die at Voldemort's hands?" He chuckled darkly. "Well, guess what? Remember that 'breakout' at Azkaban? That was us."

"What?" Draco asked.

"Yeah. Your Aunt Bella says hello, by the way. Well, more like 'burn in hell, you cowardly son of traitorous scum', but it's the thought that counts. We ate Voldemort's followers in Azkaban."

"We've even eaten your godfather," Hermione said.

"Uncle Severus?" Draco asked, in a lost voice, before he shrieked, "You lie!"

"We're not," Luna said. "I am Luna Lovegood, Queen of the Vampires of Magical Britain. And do you know what that makes you?"

"Here's a clue," Harry said. "Bitch, we eat people…"

Not long afterwards, Hedwig grimaced. "Did you have to eat them in front of us?"

Hermione belched, patting her stomach. "Sorry, Hedwig."

"Do you want an IOU on some bacon?" Harry asked.

"Actually, I would prefer a small packet of prosciutto," Hedwig decided loftily. "And some hard liquor with a good vintage. I want to forget what I just saw."

"I thought you'd be glad to see Malfoy dead," Harry said.

"Oh, I am, but I don't need to see the particulars. There's a difference between me eating rodents in the wild, and seeing a vampire absorb someone's soul."

"Okay. By the way, I ate the Dursleys."

Hedwig's mood did an instant 180. While she hated Malfoy for what he did to Harry, she had come to detest the Dursleys, especially for the way they treated her personally, as well as Harry. Especially Vernon. So she smirked viciously.

"Anyway, Draco had some new information," Hermione said. "Thankfully, the list of Slytherins in Hogwarts who are actively supporting Voldemort is pretty small. The others are either indifferent, or neutral. I say we eat them."

"But not before we unleash chaos on Hogwarts, or rather, on Dumbledore!" Luna declared. "We need him to watch his world crumbling around him. And then…oh, wait a moment…" She placed a dust mask over her face. "…And then, when his world is ashes…then he'll have our permission to die."

The silence that ensued shortly thereafter was broken by Hedwig saying, "Well, that's ominous."

"It was meant to be!" Luna pouted behind the dust mask. "This was meant to herald in an age of chaos! Craziness! Violence! Vice!"

"Well, we've indulged in a lot of that so far, I have to say," Hermione remarked. "How are we going to top what we've done so far?"

"Oh, I'll find a way," Luna said, before she began to cackle evilly.

And the red locomotive continued on, bringing its burden to Hogwarts. Dumbledore didn't know it, but he should have been feeling a distinct sensation of dread. He should have, but he didn't. You could say that was a pity, but he didn't deserve that…

CHAPTER 12 ANNOTATIONS:

And the weirdness keeps flowing. And I've managed to tie in elements from my Doctor Who crossover Renaissance of the Renegades. Incidentally, if you haven't read that, and want to read a Harmony story with Dark Harry and Dark Hermione, then give it a go. And I've managed to age Harry, Luna and Hermione up so that they can have a harem now. So not only Tonks is in there, but, amazingly, so too is Fawkes and Hedwig. Yeah, this is that kind of fic.

I wrote in that bit about Ron and Ginny because, despite my earlier thoughts of doing some Weasley-bashing for this story, I realised I just couldn't go through with it. Okay, I bashed Ginny a little in that whole 'stalker shrine' thing, but still, it's better than how she's been portrayed in some fics. And I wanted to throw Ron a bone. They won't be participating in the story anymore, save for a few cameos here and there.

Now, since the last chapter, most of the reviews tried to think about what references the powers each of the Pudding Club members obtained were to. I have to admit, Tonks' first name having a curse on it was not really a reference, though I was partly inspired by the Potterverse/Homestuck crossover, I Hold With Those Who Favour Fire by Flipspring, where Molly uses a Cuss Curse on Karkat Ventas. Every time he swears, he starts choking on his tongue. And given that this is Karkat, well…

Anyway, references. I originally wanted them to all be vampire-related powers, but I couldn't quite manage that. Most people got Luna's power, which is based on that of the vampire Dio Brando in JoJo's Bizarre Adventure. In the Stardust Crusaders story arc, Dio Brando gains the ability to stop time, an ability paired with his Stand (a sort of proxy body who can fight with and for him) called The World. In Japanese, this is translated to Za Warudo. The sound effect is basically my way of describing the sound effect used in the most recent anime adaptation of Stardust Crusaders.

Hermione's power is only a reference to vampires by proxy, coming from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. "Bored now" is a catchphrase of an alternate Willow when she is a vampire…and is used when, well, the main Willow has something of a conniption involving dark magic (so not a vampire, just an overpowered witch with an axe to grind). She says this phrase just before flaying someone alive. Someone, I might add, who deserved it.

Harry's power is NOT a reference to Team Fortress 2, although his spiel was modified from the Meet the Engineer video. It's NOT a reference to Cu Chulainn from Fate/Stay Night either. I couldn't think of an appropriate vampire power that I hadn't done in this story before. But then, I remembered who Harry was an adopted son of in my fic Underground's Champion. The magic spears are basically a reference to Undyne, a key character (and yes, she is a one-eyed fish monster) from the game Undertale.

Review-answering time! coduss: Ha! Seriously, how do you pronounce half the words Lovecraft comes up with? As for Shoggoths…hmm, maybe I should try bringing them into the story…

Dis Lexic: No. Though she might scream "WRRRRYYYYY!"

dark dhampir: I went back and checked the story in question (specifically chapter 12 of Best Served Cold). James and Lily actually both got high and drunk. At the time, Lily already smoked the magical weed (partly to deal with Petunia's attitude), so James giving her some of the highest quality stuff was more of a bribe. If you want someone to blame, blame sakurademonalchemist, as she was the one who wrote it. It was more two teenagers being stupid under the influence than one teenager date-raping the other.

PikaMew1288: Actually, she'd dress them all up as characters from Fate/Stay Night. Luna as Illya, Hermione as Rin, Harry as Shirou, Tonks as Medea or Medusa, Sirius as Kirei, and Remus as Kiritsugu.

Cateagle: I have to agree. A Civil Campaign was one of my favourites of the Vorkosigan Saga. Though I'm not sure how much Taura could help Remus with, but I'm sure that they'd make a good couple anyway. Actually, maybe we should have Luna do to Voldemort's head what Cordelia did to Vidal Vordarian's head. Shopping Trip, anyone?

Babiluv22: I'm glad this story made you laugh. While many of my stories have humour to one degree or another, this is probably my crackiest fic, designed for humour, though my Final Fantasy XII crossover Nitimur in Vetitum and my Portal crossover Is Your Great-Aunt an AI?! also have quite a lot of humour.

1. In the Doctor Who story State of Decay, it's revealed that the Time Lords fought a war long ago against monstrous vampires. In fact, Rassilon himself left secret instructions to combat the threat of vampires in every TARDIS, albeit on an antiquated storage system.

2. While some sources claim this is a fallacy (with Leela calling the TARDIS swimming pool a bathroom in The Invasion of Time), others claim otherwise, so I'm going with the notion that the TARDIS' bath is basically a swimming pool.