Pinwheel and Nito had become mates 4death. The sex was marvlous and the chit chat was frightfully damn good. They were the peerest peers in terms of intellectual edification and both enjoyed organic tea like the plague. However, something was amiss and Pinweel could feel it. This caused the unholy fiend much sorrow.
One day they were at Nito's flat binge watching the sixth season of Supernatural on the couch. The sitting appliance was an authentic Victorian sofa made of ebonics, the solidified form of a cursed tongue of times past, and some expensive red velvet lining. Pinwheel always thought it uncomfortable, but Nito oft' said it was made for laying downsies, not for sittings, which only added to the former's inadequacy.
-"Baby, I think we have to get out more often" -quod Pinwheel
-"Ugh, you know I am an introvert, honeycomb" -groaned Nito in a disgraceful voice, which decimated a faraway country. "Going outside and doing things wear me out and I just want to be home baking cookies and knitting. They don't call me Knitto for nothing!"
-"An introvert?! You literally suck men's souls and turn them into your slaves!"
-"Perhaps the same could be said of ALL the legions of the dead"
-"I know, but there's gotta be more to death than havin' fish n' chips and watching the telly" -insisted the creature. "Do it for me, please? Thou, O lustiful Lord of horrors, creator of dismay, worshipped by the damned in the Pit. Unto thee shall the vow be performed by each soul in the final day, when all flesh cometh to Thee. Hear my prayer, fons mortis."
-"Alright dear, we're gunna go outside in the morrow and give a bunch of Humans a lil' fright. We gunna 'ave a jolly good time!" -ejaculated the Lord of the Dead from each and every skull of his tainted body.
And so they ventured to the land of the Living. It was a merry noon of March, Zephyrus had melted the snow of the vesper and Nature pricked the gonads of many a couples in the northern hemisphere. One such pair was hanging out in the woods of Astora. The woman was sitting under an oak tree made of wood while the man was Chopin lumber for the BBQ they were planning o have, but be warned naive men who waste their life in blissful inorance, for thou shall be the first to perish when the Death Lord ascends. Suddenly, the sky darkened and the grass withered as two shades approached from the North.
"Maledictis omnia sunt, exaudi ad Rex mortis" -whispered the Wind.
-"What is this feeling of dread? Why am I being tormented by visions of decay and helpless suffering?" -Wondered the woman out loud to her boyfriend who was a bit too far to understand her words.
-"What?" -he sayde.
-"Nothin dear" -she shouted -"I thought I saw something queer"
-"Oh" -He repied.
"Are you done Chopping wood from the woods, my love? Let it be known that I'm not adhering to the social conventions o our forefathers, the only reason I'm not the one doing the physical labor is because Fortune decided it when we cast die and clearly I won with a triple 6. It is the custom in Astora, by the way, to throw three dice instead of the more common two, as is practiced in lands like Anor Londo or Carim, but let the Heathen follow their wrong customs, fuck if I care. Truly, I'm no stranger to bringing bread on the table, both literally and figuratively. I built our family's mill myself, for Gwyn's sake"
She hadn't finished disclaiming herself when a deep cracking voice was heard in the vicinity.
"May the eternal darkness creep upon them" -Begged Pinewheel like an Italian girl who begs her dad to buy her a ring at the Porta Rossa.
Nito complied, and with a hand gesture he released a cursed air that fused the jolly lovers into a sad figure: Their flesh and legs gone, they joined at the hips in such a way that they always faced opposite directions and would never see each other in the rest of eternity. They, who once vowed to support one another, now became each other's detestable burden.
-"Teehee", giggled Pinwheel. "Let's call it Patsy"
And so they both walked home to the land of the dead, with their acquisition following them unwillingly, bound by means of the blackest magic, and home is where it stayed, until the mercy of a nameless champion freed Patsy from its tormentors' tyranny.