Chapter Seventeen - Domestic Devastation
It was a small wedding, which was to the liking of both the bride and the bridegroom. Eggsy never wanted a royal wedding, and neither did Roxy. Thus, the wedding was small, made up of only those who really mattered in their lives.
Eggsy's Mum, Daisy, three of his mates, Harry, Perceval, Merlin, Robert, two of Roxy's childhood mates and two Morton relatives, was just about everyone. The surprise guest not on the list, was the girl, Foura. Who had since taken on the name Fiona Boyd after her two biological parents. Merlin had gained authorization to bring Foura to attend, as a surprise of sorts for the happy couple.
A happy couple indeed they were. Eggsy cried far more than Roxy, naturally. He was a proud man, but a sweet one at that. 'Sweet to his very very core' as his mother would say.
Roxy had insisted it be done in a Catholic Church, with a priest presiding. Mainly in due to her father having been a stanch Catholic. A trait which was passed on to his daughter. Both her father, and herself understood the severity of marriage, inside their religion, and outside of it. It was a holy sacrament, and a covenantal vow, said in perpetuity. A promise that was intended to last a lifetime.
The small church that they had chosen was one of the oldest in the country. It was located In a far off country side, and so ornately decorated, with gorgeous lighting coming through the stain glass windows. Eggsy felt like the luckiest guy in the world, as he turned his head to look at his almost wife. Her beauty would've over taken anyone, but Eggsy wasn't seeing just beauty when he looked at her. He smiled at Roxy, his best friend, partner and confidant. The woman whom he respected and admired. The girl who made him a better person, and the someone who could always make him laugh.
The wedding was beautiful. So much so that even Percival felt the rare sensation of watery eyes. Roxanne Morton walked in her beautiful vintage white dress, and left as Mrs. Gary Unwin on the arm of a dashing man in a bespoke suit. With a golden circles on each of their ring fingers, and smiles on the both of their faces.
The reception was an hour and a half in length, at a local pub. There was live bar music with an open mic segment, much to Merlin's delight as he sang John Denver all night. Though there was a substantial amount of dancing that took place on Roxy and Eggsy's part. That was after Eggsy and Roxy had a chance to belt out a duet to Sonny and Cher's "I got you, Babe".
The entirety of that day was a memory so joyous and sweet. They couldn't imagine anything ever coming to ruin their current streak of happiness. How wrong they both were...
The very next morning they left out of a Southhampton port aboard a Caribbean cruise. Much to Roxy's relief, they didn't see a plane the entire trip. It was a glorious, wonderful, blissful time. Just the two of them, traveling and finding the most beautiful sunsets to sit under.
Under one of these notable sunsets, Eggsy poured his heart out about his crushed childhood dreams of becoming an Olympic gymnast. Roxy listened intently, at how much he gave up for those he loved. His gymnastics for his mother, his military career for his sister, and a normal domestic life for Kingsman and the world.
"I never really wanted to do any of those things. I just fell into em. And later I found myself looking back glad that I had let myself give up those things for my family. They were worth it in the end." Eggsy said as he sat with Roxy in his arms. "You and our little M are my family now. There's nothin I won't give up for you. Intentionally."
"How about danger?" Roxy teased, hand resting over the swell of her belly that was now beginning to show.
"If you want me out of Kingsman..." He paused, "I'll do it. For you." He had sincerity and honesty written on his face.
"You've no idea how much that means to me. But I would never ask you to give it up. I'm just- I just want to remind you to be safe. That's all I'll ask of you. We both had absent fathers for most of our lives..."
"I'll be there. I'll be here." He kissed her on the cheek, his hand rested over her's over their child.
After little M went through a kicking fit that they both smiled and laughed about, they continued on talking.
Eggsy listened closely to everything she had to say. About her fears of settling down, and of her decision making process of resigning from Kingsman. She would give up the spot she worked so hard to get to, for love of her child who had not yet been born. Their child.
"You know you don't have to. We can make it work otherwise." He offered diligently, yet again.
"I know, I don't have to." she replied, "but I must to be the mother I never had. Not so much for me, but for little M."
Eggsy shook his head, she had recounted to him, all of her troubles with her mother in the past. She wanted so badly to be, not better than her mother, just simply a good mother. Something Eggsy had no doubt in his mind that she'd be.
They had resorted to calling their kid 'little M' since they got stuck on bazar M names after Melchizedek. It was the nickname before an actual name was found.
"The room has to be orange. A nice sunset orange." Roxy said, envisioning the baby's room after a long rant about a proper education.
"A'right. I'm thinkin the crib will be a Union Jack themed setting." Eggsy only half joked. He was a proud Brit.
Both of them were picturing themselves in a room where a baby was either sleeping or crying. What a lovely image this was. Something neither of them had dared to dream of before, was about to become a reality.
This scene of talk of the future, in each other's arms, on their honeymoon was suppose to be the prequel for their happy ending. But as many know, a happy ending is a story that's not done yet.
A fateful night near the end of their cruise, a visit to the doctor was prescribed. Someone's wife was experiencing pain, and problems soon followed. In the quickest, and worst night of their lives, they lost a child.
Roxy had a miscarriage that decimates the happy streak they were on. Little M, was gone. The future plans they had dreamed up were now tainted. A deep sadness enveloped them both. Each of them felt like they were drowning in the sea, instead of floating over it.
Eggsy took it hard faster than Roxy did. He was going to be a dad, he was a dad, and now he wasn't. He felt guilt for fearing more for his own well being as oppose to the well being of his unborn child in past weeks. It was an unnecessary blame, but a blame he took upon himself nonetheless.
Roxy kept the feelings deep inside at first. She didn't want to add to her husband's burdens. Yet she was miserable, and oh so sad. It was the worst thing she had ever experienced in her life. Mind you she had experienced many horrid things in her life thus far. This was by far the worst, a young mother, now childless, before she even got to meet the child. So much had been taken from her, so quickly. It didn't seem real, until she took a look at the very real tears that fell on her lap.
It was safe to say that they failed in helping each other through it. They themselves didn't know how to get through it, let alone help someone else along the way. What was suppose to be a blissful part of a young couple's marriage, was quite the opposite of that.
When they returned home, they spoke less. To each other, and to everyone else. They resorted to work. Burying themselves in their jobs, and keeping too busy to greave properly.
The time that they did spend together was either in the Kingsman meeting room over briefings, or at home over silence.
Eggsy tried very hard to always be near her on the rare occasion that they were both at home, but neither of them ever broke the silence. Each of them was too sad to do so. Save for shallow conversations about their dogs, missions, and minuscule things. The sadness was suffocating, and the staleness of their marriage was growing more than clear. But neither of them knew what to do, and both were too much in pain to seek help. So they continued on just the same.
Harry Hart, having come back from the dead, took on the more permanent mantel of Arthur, leaving Galahad to Eggsy. Thus, Harry was busy, but always accessible if need be.
"How's everything going Eggsy?" Harry asked Eggsy over a com, while he was in the field on one of his missions.
Eggsy was in an underwater basement in Venice, attempting to crack a safe. Something he recalled Roxy was much better at, but quickly pushed thoughts of his wife aside.
"Tip top shape, Arthur. Nearly there."
"I was asking as Harry Hart to Eggsy Unwin. How is everything?" Harry's voice was in that tone of fatherly concern. He had caught on as to why Eggsy and Roxy weren't their normal selves.
Eggsy paused, his scuba gear continued to hum and add background noise. "Fine."
"So you're Freaked-out, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional?" Harry joked.
Eggsy chuckled solemnly. "Yeah. Something like that."
A loud click sounded over the com, and Harry saw through Eggsy's camera glasses, that the safe had been cracked. Rows and rows of gold bricks lay on top of each other, shining in the sea water, just laying in the safe waiting to be picked up.
"A shame these have to be down here." Eggsy reached in and took out a metal safe deposit box that lay near the bottom of the safe. He placed it in his scuba pouch, and closed the safe again.
"A shame among many shames." Harry added. "You know that if you ever need anything, that I'm here for you Eggsy?"
"Yeah. Thanks. I appreciate it Harry. Gotta head over to rendezvous point."
"Eggsy, don't feel like you have to go it alone. Not any of it. Understood?"
"Yes Harry." Eggsy said absentmindedly.
"Listen up boy, you need to pull your head out of the mud, and start moving again. If you want things to change you better be the one to do it. Good things take hard work, and a lot of time. You'll live to regret a great deal if you don't learn that now. Understood? Good." Harry said without giving Eggsy a moment to respond. "Arthur, out. And happy hunting Galahad."
Just like that, Harry's voice was out of Eggsy's head. Which the young Kingsman was thankful for. He didn't need someone who never went through what he had gone through, telling him how to deal with things. He respected the living daylights out of Harry, but his mentor had told him himself that he never had been in love, and he never had strong emotional attachments to anyone. Eggsy just didn't need the pep talk now, he just needed to focus on the mission. "I just gotta finish one more..." was what he kept on telling himself. Mission after mission, as he pushed his personal problems further and further back.
Roxy was brought to a halt, inside a vast cave. She was on a reconnaissance mission somewhere in New Mexico. The loud tapping sound she had traced had stopped. Thus she followed suit and halted where she stood. Her Kingsman issued spelunking flashlight was scanning the slabs of rock around her, searching for anything.
Roxy wiped her sweaty forehead with the had that held her wedding band. The dripping from the damp cave roof continued to drop onto her shoulders. It was getting irritating.
"And how's everything?" Harry Hart asked from the other end of her com, nearly making her jump from her skeleton.
"Not great." She responded back, in a whisper. "Things are becoming harder to find. The closer I get..."
Suddenly the seriousness of her situation became quite clear. Out of a door constructed into the wall that she missed, came four armed men.
"Lancelot-"
"Don't say another word." Roxy said loudly to Harry. The four men just looked at her in confusion, as they drew their guns forward.
"That wasn't meant for you guys." She sighed, as they neared. The entire cave went dark when she shut off her flashlight. The men put on their night vision equipment, but by the time they had it shut on, it was too late.
"Lancelot! Is everything okay? Are you alright?" Harry asked the pitch black screen, that was suppose to be showing him what Roxy was currently seeing.
The flash light went back on, illuminating the room. Roxy's view point showed the four men spread out on the floor in puddles of their own blood.
Harry watched, speechless, as Roxy entered through the secret door to an operating room, where she took out, and nearly killed everyone she came into contact with. Even the analysts, scientists, and maintenance crew.
As a result of these actions, Roxy was put on a temporary leave of absence. "To get her head back in to the right mind." Harry had said, as he underplayed the severity of what she had done, to the board. To which she was thankful.
"I'd only ever do this for you. But you must get yourself together. Roxanne, I don't- I can't bring you back until you take some time. I know you're hurting, but you must take this time to get help." Harry had told her in private, after the memo went out to the other knights.
The fact that Eggsy heard about Roxy's episode via the weekly Kingsman memo, pained him to a great length. His wife wouldn't have told him, hurt a little, but it was to be expected, but Harry hadn't said a word. Add that on top of the fact that he felt he should have seen something like this coming.
Eggsy stormed into Harry's office, fuming with concern and hurt about the whole ordeal. To which Harry acted like a true gentlemen and Arthur, in scolding Eggsy's disrespect.
"I am Arthur, as well as your friend. But when you step through that door I am Arthur first. You should be ashamed, young man, to have just brought your personal problems across the threshold. I'm sorry, as Arthur, I'm going to put in a motion to give you a short leave of absence. Get yourself together. And come visit me, at my home, or on lunch, for personal advice."
Safe to say that Eggsy was worse off leavening than he was when he arrived. He cursed Harry under his breath for being so darn good at keeping personal and professional separate. Much like Roxy was-
Eggsy stopped in his tracks and realized what a dolt he had been. His wife was not well, and he was getting mad at Harry for it, instead of making sure she was okay. Roxy, she needed him, and he had no idea where she was. He couldn't remember the last thing that had said to each other. Even longer was the amount of time since they had been home at the same time to see each other. It had been that long.
Now having no work obligations, Eggsy scoured the country for her. Mentally slapping himself when he checked the seminary last, seeing as that was the place one went when grieving.
Roxy sat under the cloud filled sky, her legs pulled to her chest, and her back against a large headstone. The headstone of her father, and her mother.
Eggsy knew how much she admired her dearly departed Dad and missed him. He, himself missed his father, despite what little memories he had of him. Losing fathers, that's what they were both accustom too. Not loosing children too young, or even just before they were born.
Eggsy approached cautiously, slowly, until he was right besides her. He scrunched down to sit to the right of his wife, who since his arrival had not moved nor acknowledged his existence. He rested his head back against the same headstone, and he closed his eyes.
They sat there for a while, not saying anything, as the sky got darker and darker. The clouds grew closer, and the air grew colder. But neither of them moved, nor said a word.
"I never asked if you wanted a headstone for little M." Eggsy said without opening his eyes, there was a deep sadness in his tone. "It's something I might've liked..." Eggsy opened his eyes and scratched his neck, right below the gruesome scar that stretched far across it. The reminder of his close call, and the proposal that lead to their marriage.
Roxy finally turned to look at him, there was nothing in her eyes, no sadness, not contempt, no feeling. She seemed blank, empty even. "I might've liked that." She responded back in a whisper, almost as if it was a wish that she knew wouldn't come true.
Eggsy took her hand in his. "We still can." he said, and the want in his eyes looked to her as if he was saying another thing as well. As if he was saying they still could work together to fix what was broken. Or they could die trying. She could see it too. A glimmer of light flickered in her eyes, showing her longing for the same thing.
"Eggs..." Roxy began but didn't know where to start. Though the warmth of his hand, and the encouragement in his eyes begged her to go on. "I did some rash things... and I... can't- I..." she swallowed hard, "I nearly killed people. I seriously hurt them. They could've died. But I wanted them to die. There was this furry, raw, within me. Just like I wanted Radcliffe to die, and Poppy after him. I tugged that chord, I pulled the trigger. The Kingsman... They made us into killing machines. Tailored us to pull the trigger to save the world. Nothing about ourselves, but that's what we signed on for. But what about our souls? I've killed, you've killed. All of us... And it's slowly eating at us. Our humanity is slipping away. And- After little M..." she couldn't continue. The words stopped in her mouth at the mention of her child who was taken from her.
Eggsy reached for her other hand, and she let him take it. Contrary to how they'd been in past months, something felt right in this moment. However painful it was. Because they were in it together.
"After little M..." Eggsy started his head nodding, beckoning Roxy to continue.
She looked at her husband, and decided she would continue. "After little M... I think I cracked. Slipped. Fell. and... and-"
"And I wasn't there to catch you. I wasn't there to help you." Eggsy cut in, the words sounded like knives stabbing at himself. He regretted it heartily. He hadn't been able to help her, he had abandoned her, in a sense.
Roxy pulled at his hands, a warning in her eyes, "It's not your fault Eggs. It wasn't just you that brought us here. I wasn't there for you either. We weren't..."
"We never talked about it." Eggsy added, the calmness in his voice returned. He smiled solemnly. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
"I'm sorry too." She said, tears forming in her eyes. "But... Let's try to fix this, yeah?"
"Yes. Please." Eggsy sighed. Something small was right now, in their world full of wrongs. He frowned. "We've got to start talking about it... I- I was so lost after it happened. Everything we had planed, all the ideas in my head, all the images we had pictured... M, and you were my pride and joy, you still are. But we're missing him now. He was here, now he's not here." Eggsy began to cry softly. Roxy took him into her arms, and she held him as they cried together.
After the miscarriage they were told what the sex of the baby was, as they both wanted to wait until the birth to find out, it was a boy.
"He would've been about four months now." Roxy observed, sadness in her tone, as they sat in the back of the cab. They were on their way home, together. Eggsy was beside her, his hand in hers. He was looking out of the window at the rain hitting the street, trying very hard not to imagine a world where little M was lying out on a floor smiling and giggling.
"Tha right, innit?" He said absentmindedly.
When they returned home, Eggsy put on a kettle, and Roxy lit up the fireplace. They had tea together, for the first time in a long time, and they just talked. Not like they use to, since things were so different now. But they talked like they should have. Sparing no details, but being patient with each other through it all.
It didn't fix everything, it barely fixed anything when they looked back at it. But it was a start. A start they desperately needed.
They eventually outsourced help. Counseling and small groups ended up being a part of their schedules. They endured it all together. The good and the more frequent bad.
In a few months time they even got a headstone for little M, who's name forever was and is 'little M. Unwin'.