Chapter 2
"Beyond the edge of universe,
there's a kind of real darkness...
where even the light has gone astray."
― Toba Beta, Betelgeuse Incident: Insiden Bait Al-Jauza
The scent of roasted coffee beans wafted to Kathryn's nose when she walked into the Night Owl. The familiar smell triggered flashes of memories of her time at the Academy, when she had (almost literally) lived in this place. In those days, the Night Owl had become her favorite spot to work on her assignments and pull all-nighters trying to complete assignments. The dimmed lights, scattering of wooden tables, worn sofas and hidden corners had created a stark and inviting contrast against the usual bland, sterilized Starfleet common rooms on campus. To Kathryn this place smelled of quantum mathematics and exogenetics.
A nostalgic smile curved her lips as she made her way deeper inside; she hadn't set foot here since her last year at the Academy, and although the faces around her were different, the atmosphere and rhythm of this place were not. It hadn't changed one bit.
She had, though.
Being here brought home just how much she'd evolved away from that headstrong, ambitious and slightly naive young woman she had been then… Without warning, her mind conjured up Chakotay's voice and teasing grin: 'Except maybe the headstrong part'.
She resolutely and quickly nipped this made-up image in the bud and went to place her coffee order while she waited for her friends to arrive. Having been back in San Francisco for over six months now, she'd been surprised when Karen, one of her best friends from the Academy, had contacted her, inviting her to meet and catch up.
Yet, for reasons she didn't particularly want to think too much about, before tonight Kathryn had shied away from such reunions, even dodging the couple of tentative contacts Mark had made since her return. It wasn't that she wasn't looking forward to reuniting with acquaintances or curious about Mark's motives in contacting her; it was more that a part of her dreaded the questions and inquiries about Voyager's journey and consequent return to Earth. Months of countless debriefings, ceremonies, celebrations, galas, memorials and press conferences had left her weary of the attention. More than that, it reminded her of everything that she had given up when she had accepted a promotion to vice admiral upon her return. All of those public events had felt like a drag on the future she was attempting to create away from Voyager.
Of course it was truly wonderful to be back on Earth and to be able to live with the thought that she could see her mother and sister the next day if she wanted, to wake up to beams of sunshine through the window of her bedroom and to eat fresh foods. And to be rid of the guilt that she had carried with her for years. But there were days when the little earthly pleasures – those things she had missed so much when she'd been on Voyager – weighted but little in comparison to the exploration, adrenaline rush and the friends that she had left with her ship. Today was that kind of day.
Yet, now that she was back home, she had to look toward the future; she had to use the knowledge and experience she had gained as Voyager's captain to further Starfleet's interests and promote exploration. This had become a mantra over the last few months, one she repeated to herself every time she felt herself in danger of regretting her decision. It had been her choice to accept the promotion to admiral after all; now she had to learn to live with the consequences. As much as she tried to move on, however, her new position didn't really permit a clean cut. The file she had brought with her was concrete evidence of that.
With her hot beverage in hand, she made her way to an empty table and steeled herself to re-read it.
It was a simple request for reassignment.
Considering reassignment requests wasn't normally part of her job description as Head of Starfleet's Exploration Division. Nevertheless, Tuvok had specifically, deliberately, handed it to her moments before she'd left the office. If she hadn't known him any better, she would have sworn that he'd given her a 'look.' But Vulcans didn't 'give looks.'
Taking a sip of the coffee and sighing in pleasure as it danced on her taste buds, she savored it before she set down her mug and looked at the file again.
It wasn't just anyone's request for reassignment: it was Seven of Nine's request to leave Voyager and join Kathryn's new Delta Quadrant Unit at Star Fleet Command – DQU as most people called it. With Tuvok at its head, the Delta Quadrant Unit was in charge of monitoring any activity coming from the direction of the Delta Quadrant (in particular Borg), and designing technology to push the exploration to that space between the Delta and the other Quadrants that they had skipped by using the Borg transwarp conduits. In collaboration with, and building off of, the Pathfinder project, over the last few months the DQU had overseen the construction of Deep Space 12, a new relay outpost at the very edge of the Alpha Quadrant, maintained regular communication with Neelix (much to everyone's pleasure), and monitored any Borg activity that might come from that quarter. They had given them a hard blow by destroying the Hub, but there was no way of knowing how fatal of a blow it had been.
And now Seven wanted to join in the effort. Her motives for the transfer made Kathryn curious and wary in equal measure - not that it was entirely surprising that Seven should want to participate in this project, but the request felt very sudden. Reading Seven's words for the second time that day, Kathryn could almost hear the younger woman's voice in her head, the clinical tone devoid of either humility or pride, as she described how she believed her skills and expertise could be put to better use in DQU.
Kathryn had to give it to Seven, she could make a good argument.
Yet, despite her best efforts not to think about it, Kathryn couldn't help but wonder one thing: did Seven's sudden request have anything to do with her relationship with Chakotay? Was this a symptom of a relationship in trouble?
Knowing Seven, it was unlikely that any type of relationship would influence her decisions – she could compartmentalize and take 'professionalism' to the standards of any Vulcan. And yet… As logical and cool-headed as Seven might be, her inexperience with human feelings might still lead her to flee emotions she didn't understand, that she couldn't compute. If something truly had gone wrong between her and Chakotay, Kathryn wouldn't blame her for wanting to escape from her feelings, or his presence.
Hadn't Kathryn herself done something similar? She shoved the uncomfortable thought away.
Well, whatever it was that had made Seven make the request, it wasn't Kathryn's place to judge or comment. By keeping this romance – or whatever it was that was going on between them – from her, Chakotay had made it clear that it was none of her business. She was almost certain he knew she knew, but neither of them had ever acknowledged it, not even after their return to Earth. It remained to this day the elephant in the room – to use an old adage.
She probably would have remained unaware too, if not from her older self's temporal meddling. Chakotay and Seven of Nine. Her husband. The shock and unexpected pain of those two words still constantly rippled through her. As much as she'd tried, she could never truly comprehend it, or accept that Chakotay had truly moved on from the special connection she'd always believed they had shared.
Even though it probably wasn't obvious to an outside observer, something of her friendship with Chakotay had cracked at that moment, and Kathryn still felt the new, subtle distance between them acutely. It felt like she had lost her best friend – more than that, it felt like she had lost him. The tiny flame of hope that one day their circumstances would allow them to dissolve the lines of duty that kept them apart, had been abruptly, painfully extinguished.
The truth was, she had taken him for granted, and she was now paying dearly for her mistake. And she didn't know how to cope with that kind of loss. How did one move on from something one never had in the first place? The hurt and sense of betrayal were still raw, despite months of trying to ignore them. She was angry, too. Not at Chakotay and Seven, but at the circumstances. She didn't know for how long the two of them had been involved by the time she'd learned of it, but she couldn't help but wonder at the timing. What if they'd gotten back to Earth just a little earlier? Would that have changed anything? Would they have realized that this could be an opportunity for them to explore the relationship that had been denied to them by circumstances and command structures? Or was that simple wishful thinking?
Taking another sip of coffee, she pushed those thoughts to the back of her mind and swallowed back the now familiar pang of regret.
Whatever her feelings and Seven's motives, if reassignment was what Seven wanted, Kathryn would wholeheartedly grant it. In spite of their own rollercoaster history, Kathryn cared for her, and wished her all the best that humanity and Earth had to offer. And truth be told, she couldn't even begin to imagine what kinds of progress the DQU would make with her assistance, knowledge and efficiency.
This was as far as Kathryn allowed herself to go in her reminiscing before she put the file away and returned her attention to her surroundings, taking slow sips of coffee as she did. It wasn't long before two of her Academy friends came through the door, and their ebullience and excitement at the reunion distracted Kathryn from her melancholy thoughts, especially as coffee eventually gave way to wine.
They were well into their third hour of laughter, anecdotes and stories about their days at the Academy when Kathryn's combadge suddenly came to life. "Tuvok to Admiral Janeway."
Kathryn sent an apologetic look to her friends and made her way out into the cool night air, instinctual dread clenching her stomach uncomfortably. "Go ahead Tuvok."
"My apologies for disturbing you, your presence is required at Headquarters."
"What's going on?"
"We have received a transmission from Neelix containing potentially alarming information."
Understanding that he wouldn't tell her more over open channels, Kathryn nodded to herself. "I'll be there in ten minutes."
Kathryn took in a steadying breath as she made her way back through the Night Owl. Despite the dread that knotted her stomach at whatever danger was looming over them, though, a tiny, secret part of her was exhilarated, thrilled, that something was happening. Something to nudge her out of the routine she had buried herself under, and to rouse her from the apathy that had taken hold of her recently.
Kathryn bid her goodbyes to her friends, promising a rain check 'on all of her Delta Quadrant stories' before hurrying back to the Exploratory Division headquarters.
She reopened communications with Tuvok as she made her way, and the commander briefed her with typical efficacy on Neelix's timid cry for help and even allowing her to hear the transmission for herself. Puzzled, but instantly concerned about the fear in Neelix's tone, Kathryn was quick to dictate a reply and other instructions – painfully aware that Neelix wouldn't receive it for another 12 hours or so.
By the time she made it to HQ, her team had things handled.
"Ensign Celes," Kathryn greeted as her newly appointed communications officer came to meet her. "Please wake up the admirals and tell them of our situation – we don't know what this is yet, but I want them aware nonetheless. Then contact the fleet, here's the message I want you to send to all vessels," Kathryn stated as she handed the younger woman a PADD with her hurriedly-drafted instructions.
"Right away, Admiral," Tal agreed.
The HQ control room was a hive of activity as her personnel bustled about their respective consoles and screens, the same crew that Kathryn distinctly remembered sending home only a few hours ago. Their devotion to their work was truly commendable. There was an excited buzz in the air, a certain frenzy tinged with urgency, as they carried on their respective tasks. Most were so engrossed in what they were doing, they didn't even glance at her as she strode across the room toward her office.
Tuvok suddenly appeared at her side and fell in step with her.
"Your first week back from Vulcan and we've got ourselves a situation, coincidence?" Kathryn teased. He had never known how to react to teasing and Kathryn had always found it endearing. It made him less formidable, somehow.
"I hardly believe my presence here holds a causal relationship with what is happening in the Delta Quadrant."
Kathryn patted his shoulder. "It's good to have you back. Any news?" She asked as they walked.
"None. However, a connection has been established with Voyager, the captain is waiting."
"I'll take the call in my office. I'm ordering the fleet to meet up at Deep Space 12, can you see to it that they respond promptly, and answer any questions they might have?"
"Right away." With a nod he left her side as Kathryn walked on.
When she reached her office, a steaming cup of coffee was waiting for her and Kathryn smiled at the gesture. It was probably Tal Celes or Sam Wildman's doing, though such thoughtfulness could have come from each and every one of the people working under her in the Division.
She settled behind her desk and turned on the live feed on her monitor. Kathryn's treacherous heart skipped a beat when Chakotay's face appeared on the small screen.
"Admiral Janeway," he greeted with an all too familiar teasing twinkle in his eyes, as if he was still testing out the combination of "Admiral" and "Janeway" on his tongue. "It's good to see you, Kathryn," he added, his inflection sending a shiver down Kathryn's spine. She didn't know why, but there had always been something unique about the way he said her name.
Even though she had done her best not to acknowledge how much she had missed him over the last few months, the feeling struck her with a vengeance now. Since his promotion they had barely spoken face to face, and the sight of him was so bittersweet it was almost painful. She had told him years ago that she couldn't imagine a day without him, and now she knew how painfully true that was. But there was no time to linger on that now.
Pushing her feelings deep inside herself, she gave a crooked grin as she replied in kind. "Captain Chakotay. I only wish it were under more pleasant circumstances."
Chakotay sobered with a nod. "Tuvok briefed me. Are there any more news from Neelix?"
Kathryn shook her head before taking a sip from the coffee. "No. I would love to get some answers before I deploy any resources, but I'd rather be safe than sorry. If we're to take his warning seriously, we need to start working on a plan for the Talaxians' evacuation now. Time might be of the essence."
"I agree. Have you ever heard of anything like the 'Darkness' he talked about?"
Kathryn shook her head. "It might be a number of things, and without more information we can't really rule out anything. But whatever it is, it sounds like it actually absorbs energy, so it won't be stopped using any of Starfleet's energy-based weapons. If it can be stopped at all. We'll have to think outside the box on this one."
"That's your specialty," he quipped. "Where do you want us?"
"Right now Voyager's the closest and fastest starship in the vicinity of Earth. I need you to give me and a few others a ride," Kathryn drawled.
One corner of his mouth quirked up. "I don't usually pick up hitchhikers, but I'll make an exception. We should be there in about four hours."
"We'll be ready. Please tell Seven that her reassignment has been granted, but we'll need her aboard Voyager while we take care of this. B'Elanna will need all the help she can get to bring the Entraptor up to testing condition."
Kathryn observed Chakotay's reaction closely at the mention of Seven, but he merely blinked before he nodded – giving nothing away. "I'll let her know."
She took a sip of coffee. "What does she make of this phenomenon?"
He shook his head. "The Borg don't seem to have encountered anything quite like Neelix described, but like you said it could be a number of things. She's going through our databases to see if we can narrow down the possibilities."
Kathryn nodded. "All right then, I'll see you in a few hours. Drive safely, wear your seatbelt, etcetera, etcetera," she added with a raised eyebrow and he gave quick smile.
"Will do. Chakotay out."
Kathryn leaned back into her chair and stared at the darkened monitor.
Well, so much for moving on.
A knock on the opened doorframe caught her attention. Her Chief Engineer stood in the doorway.
"B'Elanna, what have you got for me?"
"Not much just yet, we're still trying to figure out exactly what's going on, there just isn't that much data to make sense of right now, but here are my preliminary recommendations for testing the Neutrino Entraptor, as requested," she replied as she handed Kathryn a PADD. "I've already sent all my most recent updates to Neelix, as you asked."
"Thank you. Any way we can cut on the time it takes between transmissions?"
"Tuvok and I are collaborating with Barclay and the Communications Center to work on that, but it might take a while to boost the signal. It's stretched pretty thin as it is."
"And the Neutrino Entraptor?"
B'Elanna took a second and Kathryn threw her a look. "I have Tom working on simulations as we speak. It'll be ready for testing soon," she added, as if to reassure herself. Kathryn gave her a scrutinizing look. B'Elanna's fidgeting was hint enough that she wasn't as confident as she made it sound.
After a moment of Kathryn's scrutinizing she seemed to deflate and her voice shook slightly. "Actually, Admiral, I'm nowhere close. If I'm going to have to make it work that soon, I'm going to need some help."
Trying to ignore her guilt for putting so much pressure on B'Elanna's shoulders, Kathryn rose to her feet and walked around the desk. "Who do you have in mind? You already have the best and brightest astrophysicists and engineers working on this with you."
B'Elanna grimaced. "Maybe so, but they lack… freshness of perspective. I need someone whose ideas haven't been tainted by the rigors of Starfleet training yet. No offense."
"None taken." Kathryn narrowed her eyes. "Are you talking about Icheb? Are you sure? We'll all be traveling to DS12, it might be dangerous. And aboard Voyager you'll have access to Seven's expertise as well."
B'Elanna had obviously not been aware that they were actually spacebound, but she quickly recovered from her surprise.
"Seven will be helpful, of course, but Icheb… You've read his latest essay on the role of leptons in augmenting the gravometric energy within dark matter, his ideas are… way beyond what he's going to be learning in a classroom. And they have direct and concrete applications for our work on the Neutrino Entraptor."
Kathryn couldn't help a small curious smile. "Of course I've been following his progress, but I must say I'm rather surprised you have, B'Elanna."
B'Elanna gave a small, if a little self-conscious, shrug. "Since Seven isn't here, I figured it wouldn't hurt to keep an eye on him."
Kathryn stepped closer and met B'Elanna's eyes. "All right then, you better go get him. We leave in four hours. I'll arrange it with his superiors."
oooOooo
The sun wasn't up yet as B'Elanna made her way through the grounds at Starfleet Academy. It was strange to be back here in the early hours of morning. The smell and ambiance of the dawn fog brought back memories of a time when she had struggled to make it through classes on top of all of her issues with her classmates. Despite all of Starfleet's talk of unity, as a girl with Klingon blood and cranial ridges she had never belonged here in the eyes of the other students, and she could never adhere to the protocols and discipline that was required… It did Janeway's social instincts credit for succeeding in integrating her within a Starfleet crew when no one else could. Not that she would say it out loud, but B'Elanna was immensely grateful for it.
She shrugged away the knot in her stomach that was all too often present lately, and made her way to the library common room where she knew she would find the young drone-turned-cadet.
As expected, Icheb was sitting at one of the tables, bent over an assignment and his fingers flying over the keyboard of PADDS as he wrote. Yet, in a way that reminded B'Elanna too much of herself, he was alone, and he seemed to like it that way. She bit back a smile at the memory of the time she had tried to bring him out of his shell and he had misinterpreted her actions as romantic interest. She had stopped trying so hard after that, but now she realized that maybe she should have persisted – while making clear that she was doing it out of friendship, and nothing else.
B'Elanna approached him, doing her best to ignore the way the room seemed to weigh on her, ready to engulf her. "You're up awfully early, what are you working on?"
Icheb startled and jumped to his feet when he saw her. "Lieutenant Torres!"
B'Elanna gave him a small smile. "At ease, Cadet. Show me?" She extended her hand and he nervously handed the PADD.
"It's my assignment for the exogenetics class."
B'Elanna scanned the contents briefly before handing the PADD back. "Looks good."
"Thank you." He stared at her expectantly for a few moments longer, until B'Elanna found the words to say what she came here to say.
B'Elanna sat down and invited him to do the same. "I'm not just here to check on your work, Icheb. Actually, I need your help."
His confusion seemed to grow. "You need my help."
"Have you heard of the Neutrino Entraptor project?" He nodded briefly. "We've made some progress, but our deadline suddenly just got much closer, and… let's just say we could use your help. But that means going to Deep Space 12 for a while. Of course Admiral Janeway gave the green light, so she'll take care of ensuring that you're not penalized for skipping classes while we're gone."
He gave a quick nervous smile, before frowning again. "A green light is good, correct?"
B'Elanna couldn't help it, she grinned as she nodded. "Well? Are you in?"
He jumped to his feet again, grinning excitedly. "Of course!"
"Good, you should go pack, and meet us at the DQU in one hour."
He nodded and hurried to gather his things before he gave her a grin and a nod and left the room. B'Elanna sighed as she watched him go, already anticipating her own packing, and how she would let Tom know of her assignment.
~~o~~
"Are you sure going on this mission is a good idea, B'Elanna?" Tom asked as he bounced Miral against his chest in an effort to stop her from crying. It was as if the six-month old could feel the sudden tension between her parents and did all she could to express her protest with the shrillest sounds possible.
B'Elanna sighed frustratingly as she pulled out her clean uniforms from her closet to toss them onto the bed. "What do you want me to do, Tom, leave Neelix to fend for himself? Let the others test out the technology I've created?"
"Of course not, I'm just saying we have no idea what this anomaly that Neelix described is, or what it does, or even if he's in actual dangers. For that matter we don't know what kinds of dangers you'd be getting yourself into."
B'Elanna threw him an annoyed glare over her shoulder as she stormed to the bathroom. "When we were on Voyageur we pulled much more dangerous stunts than this!"
Tom followed her as Miral kept on crying, large tears falling onto her cheeks, her face red from the effort. B'Elanna stopped her packing and snatched Miral from Tom's arms. He didn't protest, but rather leaned on the doorframe to cross his arms across his chest.
"Maybe, but it's different, now!" He retorted. "We have a daughter!"
B'Elanna narrowed her eyes at him before she looked at Miral whose sobs were slowly abating. She gently wiped the tears from her cheeks with the pad of her thumb. "Thanks for the reminder, Tom! It had somehow slipped my mind!" she replied angrily, her tone dripping with sarcasm.
She returned her gaze to her beloved daughter's face, her dark eyes now dry of tears and her head getting heavier against B'Elanna's shoulder as distress slowly yielded to exhaustion. Oh how much she loved this little one! Yet, how much she'd had to sacrifice for her as well… B'Elanna had sworn to herself that she would never resent Miral, or Tom, for the choices she had made upon their return to Earth and her acceptation of Janeway's offer to work at the DQU, but sometimes she just couldn't help it. It was strange how in all her time aboard starships, she had not once felt as claustrophobic as she did living on Earth. Her need for breath and space was growing increasingly powerful, and the longer she stayed the more it felt like she was going out of her mind. It wasn't Tom's fault, and certainly not Miral's – in fact it wasn't about them at all.
It just was.
"Sometimes it just feels like-" Tom stopped himself and shook his head. "It feels like I'm losing you to this job, B'Elanna. I guess I'm afraid that it's going to take you away from me for real one of these days, and I can't-" he stopped himself again and swallowed with difficulty. It tugged at her heart to see him like this, but she was as helpless as he was.
Feeling a little calmer now that Miral had stopped her nerve-wrecking cries, B'Elanna sighed and looked back at Tom. "It's not the job, it's… I don't know what it is, but sometimes I feel like I can't breathe, I'm stuck. I need to do this, Tom. Not just for Neelix, but for me too. For us. But I can't do it without your help."
Tom held her eyes for a long moment, before he relented. "Fine. Do what you want."
B'Elanna's temper flared with a mix of frustration and guilt. He reached out to take Miral from her again and went to place her in her cot.
"Tom…"
"No, I mean it B'Elanna." He was whispering now, so as not to disturb Miral. "Do what you have to do. I don't understand this need you seem to have, but I'm not going to be the one holding you back. You better make damn sure that you're coming back, though."
An unexpected smile tugged at B'Elanna's lips. "You really think you can get rid of me that easy?"
Tom merely threw her a small smile over his shoulder while he leaned over Miral's cot to stroke her soft hair.
"You could come too, you know," B'Elanna went on as she watched him. "Both of you. I could use your holodeck expertise for the simulations."
He threw her another glance over his shoulder. "Oh I don't think so. One of us should stay here with you," he replied softly to Miral, the tiny tense muscles of her face slowly slacking as sleep gained on her. "But I'll do what I can from here."
It still amazed B'Elanna how much fatherhood had changed the man she loved. Where he had once been immature and irresponsible, he was now fiercely protective, and took on his responsibilities in stride. It was astonishing.
It was humbling.
Walking up to him, she circled his waist and leaned her cheek against his back, feeling his shoulder blades rise and fall with his sigh as he covered her hands with his own.
"I'm going to miss you. Both of you. So much," B'Elanna admitted softly and squeezed him tighter.
He sighed again, not happy with her decision, but understanding. "I know. Promise me you'll be careful."
She spun him around until he was facing her. "I promise."
She reached up to kiss him briefly.
"Then I better help you pack."
oooOooo