Chapter 4
"Energize."
One moment Kathryn was standing in the transporter room in HQ, the next on the transporter platform aboard Voyager, greeted by the sight of Chakotay, Lieutenant Kim and Seven of Nine (smiling, grinning, and offering a solemn nod, respectively).
Kathryn fought to ignore the way her heart swelled at the familiar faces and surroundings.
Chakotay took a step forward to welcome Kathryn, B'Elanna, Tuvok and Icheb as they stepped down from the platform.
"Welcome aboard," Chakotay greeted and Kathryn could not quite keep herself from staring, taking him in, her heart lurching in recognition of something. The pleasure was bittersweet and Kathryn shook herself mentally. "I'd offer giving you a tour, but…" He trailed off with a crooked smile.
"It's great to see you all," Lieutenant Kim added as if he couldn't contain his excitement any longer, and went to hug B'Elanna and shake the others' hands, setting in motion a series of welcoming hand shaking and half hugs as the crewmates reunited. Kathryn watched with a small smile while Chakotay shook Icheb's hand warmly before Seven hugged the young man briefly, if a little awkwardly.
"It's good to be back," B'Elanna said with a happy sigh, grinning from ear to ear as she bent down to pick up her equipment.
It was nice to see her so happy. While Kathryn understood B'Elanna's reasons for taking up the position with the DQU – why with Tom being a Holodeck programmer designing scenarios for the Academy based on their Delta Quadrant logs, and their six-month old daughter – there was no question in Kathryn's mind that B'Elanna belonged on starships. She was an explorer and thrived on challenge and risk. Over the last few months, she had witnessed B'Elanna slowly withdrawing into herself – a bad sign for anyone, but even worse for someone with Klingon heritage. It was as though she was slowly withering away, as if the ties that kept her on solid ground were also slowly shackling her down. Kathryn understood better than anyone how that felt, and why B'Elanna was now grinning with such sincere pleasure.
Kathryn was excited to be back aboard Voyager too – her ship, her home. But contrary to B'Elanna, she couldn't let that sudden rush of bittersweet pleasure fuel the jumbled pool of emotions that constantly threatened to bubble up to the surface. Because if she acknowledged those feelings, if she allowed them to soar free from her tight grip, she was afraid she would be left vulnerable, with nothing to hold on to other than an overwhelming sense of loss.
"I realize it's barely morning for you all," Chakotay added as he stood, hands on his hips, his eyes just gliding over Kathryn's without making real contact, "we've prepared some quarters for the duration of your stay on board. Lieutenant Kim volunteered to take you if you'd like to get settled and get some sleep before the briefing with the rest of the fleet's captains."
"Thanks," B'Elanna replied, "but I'd rather get to work. We have a lot to do."
"As do I," Tuvok stated, while the others nodded in agreement.
"We'll just drop off your stuff, then. We'll meet you back in the briefing room, Captain," Harry said, the last part of the sentence directed at Chakotay, before he grabbed most of their bags and started leading the group through the door. Kathryn lagged behind.
Chakotay turned to Seven. "Please instruct our helmsman to set a course for Deep Space 12."
"Of course," Seven replied before turning to Kathryn. "It is good to see you, Admiral. I'm looking forward to this time together."
Kathryn let out a surprised smile at the unexpected disclosure. "As am I, Seven."
Seven acknowledged her with a nod, then turned on her heels. Kathryn followed her with her eyes until she disappeared around the corner. Her eyes slid back to meet Chakotay's.
"Admiral," he greeted her at last, his smile a little nervous now. He looked like a man who no longer knew where to stand – literally and metaphorically. "Walk with me to the briefing room?" He suggested, his tone strangely formal. This kind of nervous formality was so unusual for him that it reawakened some of the dreadful tension in Kathryn's stomach.
She couldn't, wouldn't let her feelings taint this time she would have with him, the crew, and Voyager, she decided as she squared her shoulders and raised a teasing eyebrow.
"At ease, Captain," she ordered on a drawl, letting her lips curl up slightly.
His surprise at her teasing turned into a relieved chuckle. "Sorry! For some reason I feel like a young cadet facing his first evaluation! The previous captain left mighty big shoes to fill, I would hate to disappoint."
It was easy to smile and mean it. "There's no chance of that."
"Well, shall we?" He gestured for her to lead the way and he fell in step with her as they veered in the direction of the bridge.
The silence between them stretched as they walked, once again filling the space between them with a tense kind of energy. She was suddenly acutely aware of him next to her – the warmth of his presence, the way his sleeve brushed against hers as they walked, the warm, familiar scent she had long associated with him. It only served to remind her of the distance between them: she could almost see that crack in their friendship, right there where their hands didn't touch. But surely it wasn't too late to mend it? She cared about him too much to let her own feelings push him away forever, so she took in a deep breath before giving him a small smile.
"Any chance your replicator is fully functional?" She asked. Maybe eating together – as they had done countless time over the years – would help ease the tension. "I've been fueling on nothing but coffee and wine for the last seven hours, and I'd like to avoid crashing in the middle of the briefing with the captains, if possible. Captain Lionar would greatly disapprove of such behavior!"
His lips quirked up at the quip. "Coffee and wine?" He repeated in amused surprise. "Dare I ask?"
"I was having some drinks with old Academy friends when we received Neelix's transmission."
"Ah. The replicator might be a little rusty. Since we've been re-commissioned we've been mostly using fresh rations, but I'm sure I can make it cook something decent. Wine and coffee aren't good on an empty stomach, as the Doctor will be happy to remind you," he teased. "Deck 1," he ordered when they stepped into the turbolift.
Kathryn made a face. "Oh, let's make a secret pact not to tell him, shall we?"
"Cross my heart," he chuckled, the sound of it lightening the mood between them and creating a soothing balm on Kathryn's concerns.
"How is the Doctor?"
"Same old, he'll be happy to see you, though," he said before giving her a long studying sidelong glance.
Kathryn resisted the urge to squirm under his examination, but self-consciously touched her hair, now long enough to pin up with a hair clip on the back of her head. "What is it?" She asked when she couldn't bear it anymore.
"You look tired."
Kathryn's curiosity switched to a twinge of indignation – after months without any real communication, this was the first thing he had to comment on? She scoffed playfully.
"You're one to talk," she retorted in kind. And it was true. It probably wasn't obvious to everyone, but Kathryn knew him well enough to notice the faint darkness under his eyes and the way his brows were almost constantly furrowed, as though he perpetually had something on his mind.
He let a small, wry smile touch his lips as his eyes slid to hers mischievously again. "Tell me your reasons and I'll tell you mine." And with that playful comment, they fell back to their old selves and Kathryn chuckled in relief, her heart lifted.
"The admiral colors suit you, though," he added with a smile as the turbolift doors opened.
Kathryn looked down at her uniform – it had taken her months to get used to the blueish gray jacket that had replaced the Command red colors she had worn as captain.
They made their way across the bridge and entered her- his ready room. Kathryn's step faltered as she walked in and took it in. Chakotay had barely added anything to the room after she'd emptied it, no doubt keeping his personal touch for his quarters, and it looked strangely empty.
Oh but how she had missed this place!
She quietly made her way to the large window – just in time to admire majestic Saturn as Voyager flew by, just far enough to avoid its gravitational pull. Chakotay's Spartan tastes notwithstanding, it was almost like she'd never left.
Except, she had.
Chakotay didn't comment on her movements, and instead went directly to the replicator. Kathryn was so distracted by the view that she didn't hear what he ordered for her. She almost startled when he suddenly reappeared at her side, carrying a tray with a bowl of chicken noodle soup. She vaguely remembered telling him once that this was her favorite comfort food. Kathryn's stomach grumbled in response.
"Oh Chakotay, you're a mind reader!"
With a small smile curving his lips, Chakotay set the tray down on the small coffee table facing the window before they both sat on the couch, a respectable distance between them.
"I have to say I was surprised to see Icheb accompany you," Chakotay started conversationally as she picked up her spoon and he lifted his own cup of tea to his lips.
Kathryn nodded. "B'Elanna's idea."
It was his turn to nod. "She looks well, happy to be back. How's Miral? And Tom?"
Kathryn nodded around her first sip. Bliss. "Tom's doing well. B'Elanna could tell you more, of course, but his new life seems to suit him. And Miral, well she is a delight, you should see her!" She paused for a second, meeting his warm gaze. "I have to confess though, I'm a little worried about B'Elanna. I'm hoping being here will be good for her."
He nodded in concern before he leaned his forearms on his thighs, his gaze still studying her. "And you?"
Kathryn froze, before she wiped her mouth with her napkin. "Me?"
"Are you happy with your new life?"
She considered it for a while. "Most of the time." She paused. "Well, maybe half the time," she said lightly, only half-joking.
He nodded more seriously than she had anticipated. "Is that your reason, then?"
She sighed, remembering his earlier suggestion that they tell each other the reasons for their tired appearance. "I suppose it is." Pushing her tray further on the table, she leaned back against the back of the couch, turning slightly to better face him, one of her elbows coming to rest on the back while she leaned her temple against her knuckles. "I just don't understand myself, Chakotay. I brought the crew home. We made it. What I desired for so long, what I hoped for, I got. So why doesn't that make me happy? Why can't I move on?"
She hadn't meant to reveal so much, but Chakotay had always had that way of making her open up to him and reveal some of her most private thoughts. Sitting so close to him, staring into his warm dark eyes, and her nose filling with the scent of him that reminded her of home and adventure and possibilities, it was all too easy to tell him everything. It always had been. And apparently not even the crack in their friendship could change that.
He sighed. "If you ever find the answer to those questions, Kathryn, let me know. I've been dealing with something similar myself."
"You have? But why?"
"I wish I knew."
"Is that your reason, then?" She asked as she bent forward to resume savoring her soup. She fought the urge to ask him about Seven and her reassignment.
He was silent for a couple of seconds. "Part of it, probably. It's true I've had a lot on my mind recently. Being Captain… with all of the pressures, life and death decisions associated with the job…" He sighed. "The truth is it weighs on me Kathryn, a lot more than I thought it would, based on my previous experience. A lot more than it did you it seems… All of that pressure, those challenges – they seemed to nourish you, egg you on. You made it look ever so easy."
Kathryn stared at him in surprise at his words. He went on before she could formulate a response.
"Sometimes I think, that maybe… maybe I should have taken a different path. As you may recall, this commission was not necessarily what I had in mind when we first got back to the Alpha Quadrant."
She felt his words like a slow stab. Was it possible that he was blaming her for his current predicament? Maybe even for Seven's request of reassignment and what – she assumed – were problems in their relationship? After all, if she hadn't offered him the promotion, he would have been able to do what he wanted, and not have issues of rank and authority affect the power dynamics of their relationship. She hadn't understood his reluctance to accept the promotion then, but she thought she did now.
"Do you regret taking on the post?" She asked, a little breathlessly.
"Regret? No. But I do wonder about the road not taken sometimes, and whether or not I would have been happier had I turned you down then. And followed my heart's desires when I had the chance."
Kathryn felt a tight grip take hold of her heart at the way he avoided her eyes as he said the last few words. She was right – he did blame her! Oh how misguided she'd been when she'd offered him the promotion! Her raw emotions must have shown on her face because he quickly looked away and gave a falsely chipper chuckle.
"Now don't you worry, I see this all as a challenge, and I'm not quite ready to give up yet."
Kathryn didn't smile as she studied him quietly.
"I never meant to force your hand."
He seemed genuinely confused. "What are you talking about?"
"The promotion to captain. And taking command of Voyager. I realize now I took advantage of your friendship and it wasn't fair of me to play that card. I didn't mean to force your hand," she repeated.
"You didn't." He sighed, casting his eyes down toward his cup. "But I won't deny that I accepted the promotion partly because of you."
Oh Chakotay…
"You were so excited for me to take command of Voyager, and… it meant a lot to me that you would entrust our ship, our home, to me."
Kathryn fought the urge to reach out and touch his arm. A few months ago that would have been the natural thing to do, but now… Her grip tightened on her spoon instead. "Chakotay, it's not too late to change your mind. You can still follow your heart's desires."
He gave a strangely humorless chuckle. "Maybe. What about you?"
Puzzled by this vague answer, she bit back the questions that burned on her tongue. "Oh no, it's too late for me. Now all I can do is learn to make my peace with it."
He sighed. "What a pair we make… Well, I should go back to the bridge," he said, slapping his thighs with his palms. "We have another half hour before the long-distance briefing with the rest of the fleet, I'll make sure the briefing room is ready. Stay here as long as you need. My ready room is your ready room."
Kathryn scoffed softly at his joke as she watched him stand. "Thanks."
He lingered for a second, as if he had something else on his mind, but then closed his mouth again and gave a small nod before leaving the room.
oooOooo
B'Elanna was setting up her PADD to display her latest data onto the monitors for the briefing with the fleet captains, when Janeway, Chakotay, and the rest of the senior officers walked into the briefing room. She noticed a couple of unfamiliar faces among the Voyager bridge officers – one was a tall Bajoran man who introduced himself as the chief of security, and the other a fair-haired human female lieutenant who introduced herself as the helmsman. B'Elanna greeted them with a nod and resumed her preparations while Janeway worked with Tuvok to set up the conference call with the other six captains making up Janeway's Exploration fleet.
B'Elanna tried to get her nervousness under control. It wasn't like her to be intimidated by anyone or anything, but the importance of what they were about to do, and the sheer pressure placed upon her shoulders to make it succeed and help Neelix and his people… She felt slightly queasy, yet there was something thrilling about it all too.
If they succeeded…!
It was almost too much to even think about it, about the implications, the doors it would open for exploration! And to think that all of their hard work these last few months – that B'Elanna's frustrations – had not been in vain… She had to admit, the shiver of excitement that rolled down her spine felt good, invigorating, like it suddenly awakened her Klingon genes, the part of her that had slowly gone dormant over the last few months. She hadn't felt that exhilarated in a long time! Being back on Voyager, and to be testing out her work made her feel like she was home again. She hadn't realized just how much she had missed this life until she had set foot on Voyager again.
The usual pang of guilt tightened her chest: why couldn't she feel like this when she was on Earth? Why couldn't her family – those two people she loved the most in the entire universe – be enough to satisfy her?
B'Elanna's thoughts were interrupted when Seven made her entrance, and it was with unusual curiosity that B'Elanna noticed Janeway's subtle glance between the former drone and Chakotay – though neither of them even reacted to the other's presence, not even a smile, or an acknowledging nod.
She'd learned through the grapevine shortly before Voyager's return to the Alpha Quadrant that Chakotay and Seven were involved, and though it had surprised her, she'd barely given it any thought at all at the time – after all it was none of her business, and she'd had plenty going on in her own life to distract her from what was going in everybody else's. But now that she was in their presence, she was intrigued, and perhaps felt a little bit of protectiveness over Chakotay. She'd always cared about him – he was her friend and he'd had her back when no one else would – and even though she'd come to appreciate Seven's tactical expertise over the years, she couldn't quite say the same about her quirky, Borgy, personality. Added to that the secret knowledge B'Elanna now had regarding Janeway's private feelings, thanks to a late night conversation a few months back, when they'd both had a little too much Vulcan wine…
So it was with a mix of watchfulness and nosiness that B'Elanna subtly observed the three of them now. Tom's love of gossip was definitely rubbing off on her…
"B'Elanna, are you ready?" Janeway asked, pulling her out of her thoughts.
"As much as I can be at this point," B'Elanna replied.
Janeway gave a nod to Tuvok, who pressed the console, bringing to life the various monitors on the wall and, one by one, the captains' faces appeared on the screens, most bleary-eyed from being pulled from their sleep.
"Thank you for joining us on such short notice," Janeway started by way of greeting. "As my original transmission explained, we've received some intel with potentially alarming information from our ambassador in the Delta Quadrant. Seven," she added with a nod in her direction, passing the torch along to her.
Seven gave a nod, and touched her PADD to play Neelix's transmission on the comms. B'Elanna had listened to his transmission so often while she'd worked on possible theories she knew it by heart, yet there was something – a catch, a tone – in Neelix's voice that got to her every time. Neelix's voice wasn't designed for that kind of darkness – it was supposed to be positive, inquisitive, teasing, the voice of a morale officer. It was as though his tone had shifted from a major key to a minor one. It didn't fail to constrict B'Elanna's chest with a painful grip this time either.
"…Whatever happens, I wish you all the best, my friends."
Once Neelix's voice faded, there was a heavy silence as the officers and captains digested the content of the message. Chakotay let out a lengthy sigh, his eyes meeting Janeway's with concern.
Seven broke the silence. "Unfortunately we don't have any further information on this potential threat."
"With all due respect to our Talaxian ambassador, how can you know this isn't just a tale or rumors, Admiral?" Captain Lionar of the Cousteau asked. B'Elanna couldn't blame him, she'd wondered about that herself.
Janeway straightened. "We don't. But even if the threat isn't real, Neelix's fear certainly is. I want to help him, if we can."
"How?" He asked.
"Lieutenant Torres's team has been working on a project to that end these last few months, and we agree that this would be a good opportunity to test it. If it can help Neelix, and allow us to get more information on this 'wave of darkness,' all the better. Kill two birds with one stone, as it were."
"The Neutrino Entraptor Project?" Another captain asked.
Janeway turned to B'Elanna, who stood to walk closer to the monitor.
"That's right. As most of you probably know, since Voyager's return to the Alpha Quadrant, one of the DQU's mandates has been to implement more focused research on providing means for starships to travel faster. The ultimate goal being to reestablish faster round-trip voyages to the Delta Quadrant – or other distant parts of the galaxy."
"Like a more efficient kind of drive?" The same captain suggested.
"Precisely. This project however has dealt specifically with artificial singularities. Creating wormholes large enough for starships to travel through."
There was another moment of heavy silence, as though everyone was holding their breaths, and B'Elanna heard some of the bridge officers whisper to each other.
"And you think you have the means to do that?" Captain Uang of the starship Aspire asked, her voice more awed than skeptical.
B'Elanna hesitated, and Janeway came to her rescue.
"Not quite yet," the Admiral filled in as she stood and walked closer to the monitors, much in the same way she would have done had the captains actually been on board. "But we think we're close to having a working prototype for the Neutrino Entraptor."
"What does it do, exactly?" The tall Bajoran chief of security asked.
All eyes returned to B'Elanna. "Well, as the name suggests, it traps neutrinos within a containment field, which builds up gravometric energy – this energy is then released within a tachyon beam. This allows for the neutrinos to travel through spacetime and once they reach the receptor at the other end, we've hypothesized that the trapped neutrinos will create enough energy to form a stable wormhole in subspace between those two points. If it works, Neelix and his people can use the wormhole connecting the two quadrants to escape the Delta Quadrant, and, within seconds, travel across the galaxy to… here."
"If I understand you correctly, Lieutenant," Captain Uang clarified, "you need a second device – in this case in the Delta Quadrant – to receive the flow of neutrinos for the wormhole to connect."
"Yes. That's why over the last few months I've been sharing my research with Neelix, and he's been assembling his own Entraptor on his side."
The room felt silent again while everyone processed B'Elanna's words.
"The theory is sound," Seven interjected suddenly, and B'Elanna threw her a surprised glance at this unexpected stamp of approval. "Lieutenant Torres, if you'll allow me I have a number of suggestions that will improve our odds of success."
Janeway failed to fully bite back a smile at B'Elanna's surprise before giving a subtle nod in her direction.
"Great," B'Elanna said, and she could tell by Chakotay's equally failed attempt at hiding a smirk that her tone wasn't quite as enthusiastic as she'd hoped to make it.
Janeway returned her attention to the captains on the monitors. "We have a few hours before we have confirmation that Neelix has received our last transmission detailing our plan," Janeway went on. "In the meantime, I want us all to rendezvous at Deep Space 12."
"Deep Space 12! I thought it wasn't ready yet?" A captain B'Elanna had never met countered.
"It will be for our purposes, and it'll make communications with Neelix easier if we're near the new communications array. They know we're coming, they'll make sure we have livable environmental conditions on board the station for the duration of our stay." She walked back to her chair, standing behind it and leaning her forearms on the back of it. "I know it's not ideal, but we'll make do. From there, we'll spread out in defense formation. If this wave truly is coming this way – I don't care what it takes, we'll be there to greet it. Understood?"
The captains nodded.
"You have your orders."
Tuvok cut the feed and the monitors returned to black.
Janeway turned back to the officers in the room. "I know this is a risk, but I'm not willing to leave Neelix behind if there's any chance that we might be able to help him. But even beyond my own concern for our friend, keep in mind that the mandate of this division is to explore, and push the boundaries of the known universe. I believe this project counts as a boundary-breaker, whether we succeed or not."
The officers nodded in agreement. "Good. B'Elanna, Lieutenant Kim, Seven, you know what you have to do."
B'Elanna nodded. Right. All she had to do now was actually make the device work before Neelix was engulfed in an unknown darkness bound on annihilation.
No pressure.
"Yes, Admiral," B'Elanna replied before gathering her PADDs, and heading back to Engineering.