Chapter 5: Interlude

1 week after Voyager's return to the Alpha Quadrant

It was a cold and foggy afternoon. The mist-kissed wind from the San Francisco Bay rose above the waves and dampened Kathryn's face and hair as she stood at the end of the pier closest to Starfleet Command. As much as she loved a balmy sunny day in Northern California, a part of her actually savored the feel of the wet cold against her skin and the salty scent of the wind rising from the waves. The thick fog clinging to the land hid most of the Bay and surrounding area, but it was still beautiful. It reminded her of the old tales of King Arthur and misty Avalon that her sister had raved about when she was a romantic teenager. As much as she would have denied it then, Kathryn's own little heart had beat just as fast as her sister's at the thought of King Arthur and Guinevere, the Knights of the Round Table, and their quest for the Holy Grail.

What would be her quest now? The new pips on her collars felt heavy, as though the weight of the admiralty came with the promotion.

For seven years her sole purpose had been to return Voyager to the Alpha Quadrant and to reunite the crew with their loved ones. Every morning she'd woken up knowing exactly what had to be done, albeit with a few surprises and obstacles along the way. But that sense of usefulness, of purpose, was no longer relevant now that they were back. And that had been the main reason behind her decision to accept the promotion to vice admiral. Surely, her new position would provide her with ample challenges to keep her sharp, and ways to satisfy her scientific and personal ambitions?

Well. She'd be damned if she let this sudden sense of…hollowness… she felt stop her from moving forward with her life. She would find a new purpose, and once she did, she would be able to settle into her new life on Earth and look back on this time as one of great change, but also great potential.

"An intriguing decision," Seven's voice from behind her startled Kathryn and she looked over her shoulder, pushing back wet strands of hair from her face.

"What is?" Kathryn asked as the younger woman approached her until she was standing next to her. Contrary to Kathryn, Seven had come prepared - with an umbrella. Although all things considered, it didn't do much to protect her perfectly arranged hair against the damp air and the insidious mist. Seven didn't seem to mind, though.

"To be standing here in this damp cold, when there is nothing to see."

"I disagree," Kathryn replied before taking in a deep breath of brine and leaning her forearms against the railing. "Think about it, when was the last time you've felt a wind like this blow against your face, Seven? Not even the holodeck can replicate something like this. Sometimes it's just about enjoying the sensations."

Seven seemed to consider her words, but in the end gave her a small smile. "Perhaps, but I still can't see the appeal."

Kathryn smirked to herself as she returned her eyes to the dark waves at her feet. "Maybe in time you will."

"What sensations are you hoping to experience?"

Kathryn gave a small shrug. "That I'm really here, back on Earth. That I'm alive, I suppose."

"I see." Though it was clear she didn't. "Is this why you left the celebrations, to remind yourself that you're alive? I can understand the impulse, the speeches were so tedious death did seem an appealing option."

Kathryn's eyes slid to her in wry amusement. "Why Seven of Nine, did you just make a joke?"

She gave a small smile, her shoulder rising in a shrug. "Well, the fact that you have to ask seems to suggest that it was a poor one."

"Actually it wasn't half bad. So, aside from the boring speeches, what do you think of Starfleet, and the festivities so far?"

Seven sighed. "It's much as I imagined. In all honesty I would have gladly eschewed this celebration. To be standing in a room and making idle conversation with strangers is an inefficient use of my time."

Kathryn scoffed. Preaching to the choir. Although, there had been a time when that kind of formality would have appealed to her and to her sense of duty.

In fact, in her many fantasy scenarios in which she returned to Earth, Kathryn had always imagined herself rejoicing in such festivities, in the attention and the protocols. But the real thing wasn't half as fun or half as satisfying as she had imagined. She was glad and proud that she had accomplished her mission, but what she hadn't realized while she had fantasized about this moment was that the return home would come at a price. That she would lose part of herself in exchange for her crew's happiness and safety.

"However," Seven went on, "it's good to see the efforts of the crew rewarded. Yours included. I understand this promotion to admiral implies that you are to leave Voyager and that Chakotay is to replace you as captain."

Kathryn nodded, unsure where she was going with this. "That's right."

"You will be missed."

Surprised and moved at this admission, Kathryn dismissed the compliment to better hide the bittersweet pain that her words evoked. "Oh I'm sure Chakotay will do such a fine job, and you'll all be so busy, you won't even have time to miss me. I assume Chakotay has asked you to stay on Voyager?"

Seven nodded. "He has pointed out the option as one of many possibilities, however he believes this is a decision I need to make on my own. After weighing my options, I'm inclined to remain on board for the time being." She inhaled uncomfortably as her eyes narrowed as if to pierce through the mist ahead. "I've observed that most of the humans I have encountered here are uneasy in my presence. Until the people of Earth have accustomed themselves to the idea of my being here, I believe it for the best. Besides, Voyager is the only home I've ever truly known as an individual."

"I understand." Kathryn studied her profile for a moment. Surely the fact that Chakotay would remain on board had played a part in her decision too? "Chakotay must be pleased with your decision."

Seven gave a small sigh. "In truth, my decision appears to perplex him, but he dismissed it as "nothing" when I inquired."

Kathryn fought hard to keep her gaze away as she desperately tried not to read anything into this. None of your business, she reminded herself. "Well, he's probably just a little anxious with his new command."

"Perhaps."

"Seven, can I ask you a question?"

Seven threw her a look. "You do not usually require my permission." Kathryn opened her mouth to reply when she realized that this was another attempt at humor. She smiled and Seven gave a small encouraging nod. "Proceed."

Kathryn redirected her gaze to the waves. "You and Chakotay… How long has it been going on?"

"It's a… somewhat recent development."

Kathryn held her breath as she shifted to look at her. "How recent?"

"Several weeks. Captain, may I ask you a question?"

Kathryn would have smiled if the tight grip on her heart hadn't been so painful at this revelation."Sure," she gasped belatedly, doing her utmost not to let her emotions betray her.

Thankfully, Seven didn't seem to notice Kathryn's turmoil as she went on. "Why are you really out here in the cold, rather than celebrating with your crew and their families?"

The truth was, Kathryn wasn't sure. One moment she had been drinking champagne, standing with the newly promoted Lieutenant Kim, Tom and Admiral Paris, and the next second the room had felt too small, the air too close. For the first time in her life, she had felt claustrophobic.

"I just needed a breath of fresh air," she replied as she straightened.

"Aren't you coming back to the event? The others have been looking for you."

Kathryn gave a nod and pushed herself from the railing. "I guess it's time. Lead the way."

Once back inside, Kathryn separated from Seven to make a quick stop in the ladies room to fix her hair as best as she could before returning to the large Starfleet Command ballroom where the "welcome home" ceremony and celebration was taking place.

When she walked back in, she found Chakotay was returning as well (though from where she didn't know), a distracted look on his face. He gave her an acknowledging nod when he saw her and they walked into the ballroom together.

"I haven't had a chance to officially congratulate you, Admiral," he said, smiling as he put the accent on her new rank."It probably doesn't mean anything, but… I'm proud of you, Kathryn."

Kathryn's heart squeezed at the softly spoken words. It meant more to her than he could imagine. "Let me return the sentiment, Captain," she replied in kind.

"Thank you." He furrowed his brows, something apparently still on his mind.

"Chakotay, what is it?"

"I've just received my orders. I'm to take Voyager to patrol the Cardassian border the day after tomorrow."

Kathryn stared at him."So soon! I guess the admiralty took advantage of my distraction the last few days to make plans for Voyager without consulting me. I'll give them an earful as soon as I get the chance. We'll see how fast they'll regret making me an admiral!" When she looked back at him, Chakotay was smiling as he gazed at her. Was it wishful thinking or was there tenderness in his gaze and smile? Something that felt awfully close to regret tightened her chest. But she refused to let it show.

"It is a little soon," he agreed, "I wish I'd had more time to prepare, but don't worry about Voyager, I'll take good care of her."

A waiter approached them and both Kathryn and Chakotay took a glass champagne from his tray with a grateful nod.

"I have no doubt about that, but the Cardassian border?" She leaned a little closer so she could lower her voice. "That sounds kind of harsh for your first command, Chakotay. Why send former Maquis there, if not to taunt them?" Kathryn asked, taking advantage of his bent head to speak more directly into his ear. Like she'd done countless times when they'd sat in their respective chairs on the bridge of Voyager. But this time it felt different – as though no matter how close together they stood, they could never close the gap that now stood between them.

"Actually, I requested the assignment."

Kathryn blinked. "Why?"

"Closure, I suppose. I'd like to see what it's really like out there. Find out what happened for myself. And if Voyager's presence there can help Starfleet keep up its peacekeeping mission in that area, all the better."

Kathryn nodded in acknowledgement. "Have you made any progress assembling your crew? Seven told me she was going with you."

A sheepish expression crossed his face for a fraction of a second before he nodded. It came and went so fast she might as well have imagined it. "I want to give the crew the freedom to stay on or move on, so I've been compiling a list of crewmen and women who told me they'd like to stick around Voyager. And Starfleet's made some suggestions to fill in some of the positions vacated by those who've decided to join your Delta Quadrant Unit. Have you heard that Tom's considering a position at the Academy?" He asked with an incredulous grin and Kathryn nodded.

"As a holodeck programmer of teaching scenarios, yes I've heard."

His lips twitched at the exasperation in her tone. "I'm still waiting on B'Elanna's answer though," he said.

"I offered her a research position at the DQU, but I doubt she'll take it. I think she'd be bored out of her mind being stationed on Earth."

"Oh I'm sure you could make life interesting for her. You've certainly kept me on my toes, these last seven years."

"I can't decide if that's a good thing, or a bad thing!" The banter came easily, and yet… Kathryn sighed.

He pretended to consider her comment. "Mostly good… I think," he teased back.

She couldn't resist the urge to meet his gaze. When she looked into his eyes, they were softened with some raw emotion that she couldn't quite identify.

He opened his mouth, and-

"Admiral Janeway! Captain Chakotay!" Admiral Hayes interrupted. It took Kathryn every ounce of willpower to tear her gaze away from Chakotay's. "Forgive the interruption! I just came to congratulate you both on your promotions. I'm looking forward to working with you both."

"Thank you," Kathryn replied while Chakotay nodded his thanks.

"I noticed that Mr. Tuvok isn't here, this evening," the Admiral added conversationally.

"I'm afraid not, he's taken a leave of absence on Vulcan. We dropped him off on the way. A personal matter to attend to." Tuvok was adamant that his family would be able to help cure his condition. Kathryn dearly hoped so! "He plans on returning from his leave as soon as he is able."

"Of course, of course, who could blame him? I'm certain he was eager to reunite with his family, after all this time."

"Yes, although as a purely logical being, he's the first one to deny it!"

Admiral Hayes chuckled dutifully. "Yes, well do send him my regards when you next speak to him."

"I will," Kathryn promised before the Admiral excused himself.

When Kathryn returned her gaze to Chakotay, he was watching her intently, studying her like he might an unsolvable puzzle.

That would not do. Chakotay knew her too well and it wouldn't take much for him to see through the cracks of the mask she'd put on tonight to hide her turmoil of emotions — both about the promotion and her ill-timed epiphany about her own feelings and regrets. Kathryn felt herself flush under his gaze. Suddenly terrified that he would see right through her, see how much it still hurt to think about the fact that he'd kept his relationship with Seven from her, she tossed him a smile."Well, I should leave you to it." Her eyes traveled over his shoulder. "There's B'Elanna, I should go and ask if she's made up her mind. Excuse me."

He merely nodded, his eyes still on her face. "Alright. I suppose I'll catch up with you later, then."

"Yes. Later. Enjoy the party."