Chapter 7: Interlude

1 week after Voyager's return to the Alpha Quadrant

Chakotay sighed in relief when he stepped into his temporary quarters at Starfleet Headquarters. He removed his uniform jacket and walked to the replicator, not even bothering to turn on the lights. He opened his mouth to order some hot tea, but changed his mind at the last second. "Whiskey."

He rarely drank alcohol (or synthehol, for that matter) outside of social events, but tonight, after the interminable promotion ceremony and the following festivities, he needed the fortifier – and a distraction. Although tonight had overall been a joyful occasion, Chakotay had left the reception feeling unsettled, his stomach in a strange knot.

He walked to the large window offering a breathtaking view of San Francisco's nighttime skyline, and took a sip from his glass, the beverage leaving a burning sensation down his throat. Unbidden, a memory flashed into his mind: Kathryn's eyes and the expression on her face as she had pinned his collar with his captain's pips. Under different circumstances, this would be a happy memory, but as it were, there was something about it that continued to haunt him. Because there had been something in her eyes then, a kind of sorrow or pain hidden behind the pride that had tugged at his heart even while her cool, gentle fingers had grazed his neck. That pained expression had surprised him, because he'd seen nothing but good humor and pride - in her own promotion, in the accomplishments the crew was being rewarded for tonight - in her demeanor up until that moment. But it had become obvious to him that it had all been for show when the pained expression had stuck with her afterwards, like a cloud darkening her expression when she thought no one was paying attention. But of course Chakotay had noticed. He'd meant to talk to her about it, but every time someone or something got in the way. At some point she'd even vanished from the room.

And later, when he'd finally had a moment to talk to her, all they'd discussed was his assignment. But even then Chakotay had noticed how her heart hadn't seemed in it, even though she'd teased and smiled as usual. His concern for her had returned, but an interruption had once again thwarted his intention to ask her about it. He knew her well enough to know that a part of her melancholy (or whatever it was) was probably due to her giving up Voyager, but some instinct told him there was more to it than that. That at least part of it was about him. He wasn't so self-centered to imagine everything was about him, but he'd seen how eager she'd been to leave his side, and it drove him a little crazy not to be able to not having been able to clear things up.

True, her attitude toward him had shifted subtly since their return to the Alpha Quadrant, as if the closer they got to Earth, the more distance she was attempting to put between them. But he had attributed it to the changes that loomed over them, and he'd been comforted by the belief that things would settle eventually.

He'd been utterly convinced of that, until tonight.

He shook himself as he took another sip. Well, there was no point worrying about that now. The only way to actually find out what was on her mind was to talk to her, and he knew it would be a while before he saw her in person again, with Voyager leaving so soon. Something tightened painfully in his chest at the thought.

But this thought also reminded him of his upcoming mission and he realized that despite his readiness to take command of Voyager, the mission itself was also adding to his overall uneasiness.

He'd told Kathryn he wasn't anxious about it, but he was. Oh he had enough experience in command positions not to be worried about his leadership skills – he knew he had them; no, his anxiety came from something else. For one there was Kathryn's utter confidence in him in leaving him her beloved Voyager - the ship she had talked to when she thought no one was looking. Of course he was ready to do everything and anything to honor that confidence and to make sure he didn't let her down, but to command Voyager, of all starships… It was personal. Voyager was a home of sorts, not just some borrowed property he had to be careful not to scratch. He wondered if he would ever come to see Voyager as his ship, rather than hers.

And then there was the mission itself – the one he had requested on an impulse – to patrol the Cardassian border. He'd spoken the truth when he'd told Kathryn that he sought that closure. But a part of him was afraid of what he might find over there. Would there be any sign of his fallen comrades? Any kind of monument honoring their sacrifices? He wasn't going there for retribution, he wasn't that man anymore, but he knew that once there, the temptation might be there. This would be a test of his commitment to his new command and new life like no other.

And last but not least, there was his relationship with Seven.

A week ago, when they had still been thousands of lightyears away from Earth, he had been perfectly happy with the slow pace of their relationship, trusting that the feelings that were slowly reawakening in his heart were parts of the sum people called love; that in time, they would make up a whole, to replace the one that had been denied to him by circumstances and command structures.

But now… Doubts plagued him. Not only about the true depth of his feelings for Seven, but also about how to deal with the fact that he was now the ship's captain, and that the position came with certain…constraints as far as relationships went. He could still recall Kathryn's words, whispered to him so long ago, when they'd discussed establishing a policy regarding fraternization: "As Captain that's a luxury I don't have…"

He hadn't known her very well then, but his heart had leapt into his throat nonetheless. But of course he'd understood, even then. Because when he'd been in command of the Valjean, he had been involved with a woman under his command, and it had ended in catastrophe. He was determined to never go through something like that again, no matter how different Seven might be from Seska.

So as soon as Kathryn had offered him the promotion, he'd realized he would have to make a choice: Captaincy and Voyager, or his relationship with Seven. In his mind there was little room for compromise, short of reassigning Seven to a different starship, or even the Delta Quadrant Unit. But to ask that of Seven just because it suited his own ambitions wouldn't be fair to her, not when he knew how much it meant to her to remain on Voyager for now.

Liar, a little voice accused in his mind. You're just relieved to have a reason to end the relationship with a woman you like and admire, but don't really love.

He shoved the thought away as he took a sip from his drink, but… Still, like the whiskey itself, it lingered, sitting uneasily in his stomach and leaving a bad taste in his mouth. Because deep down he knew it was true.

When Kathryn had first offered him the promotion, he'd been adamant not to accept it, determined not to let Seven down. But the look in her eyes… Before she'd even left the room, he'd made his decision to accept the promotion.

The honorable part of him revolted at how easy this decision ultimately had been. He hated how easy it was for him to break the trust that Seven had put in him and his words that nothing could make him turn away from her.

Because it had only taken one distraught look from Kathryn Janeway.

She'd always been his most dangerous weakness, but also his greatest strength, and now the error of his feelings struck him full force. How had he even convinced himself that she wasn't the only one he ever wanted? The only one he'd ever needed? It didn't matter that she would never feel the same way about him. He couldn't deny the simple truth that all this time, in his attempts to move on, he'd only been pretending. Convincing himself. He hadn't meant to toy with Seven's feelings, or her innocence when it came to human sentiments, but now he realized he had, albeit unwittingly. And he'd fooled himself too; he'd fooled himself into thinking that he could love her, that they could make each other happy.

This couldn't go on. He had to set things right with Seven.

Setting his glass down with newfound determination, he strode across the room and exited into the corridor without looking back.

He found Seven outside her quarters, just returning from checking up on Icheb who was getting ready to move in at the Academy. She greeted him with a small smile, and though his insides twisted in guilt, he also noticed that her smile didn't quite reach her eyes.

"Icheb okay?" He asked, unable to feel unconcerned despite what he came here to tell her.

"He is having trouble adjusting."

"That's understandable."

She opened the door to her quarters and walked in, but Chakotay hesitated on the threshold. She shot him a perplexed glance when she noticed. She lifted an eyebrow. "Perhaps Icheb is not the only one having trouble adjusting," she stated.

Chakotay inhaled as he met her eyes. After glancing up and down the corridor, he turned back to her. "Let's take a walk."

Chakotay waited until they were out into the night to speak and Seven didn't press him. Though it had stopped raining, the air was brisk and damp, and Chakotay couldn't stop a shiver.

"I know I'm the one who asked you here, but to be honest I'm not quite sure where to start," he said eventually as they walked, without any real destination.

"I've never known you to be hesitant to speak your mind."

"True. But this is different. It's about us, about our relationship."

Seven stopped walking and he imitated her. "You wish to terminate our romantic involvement," she stated.

Chakotay stared in surprise but struggled to read her expression in the darkness of the moonless night. He considered the best way of saying it, but in the end he simply settled for the truth. "I- yes. Yes."

She blinked and looked away. "I see."

Chakotay swallowed painfully, resisting the urge to reach out. But it would only make things worse. "I know there's nothing I can say that will make things right, but… I've come to realize that I haven't been honest with you, or myself, for that matter. You deserve so much better than this, I…" Chakotay let out a frustrated sigh and he pinched the bridge of his nose. It wasn't going very well and he paused to gather his thoughts.

She had started walking again while he spoke, and when he caught up she faced him again. She searched his face, a mix of confusion and hurt on her features. "While I can accept, rationally, that feelings are often fleeting, now that I am experiencing it I find it…confusing."

Chakotay sighed, deflating. "I know. I could tell you that it's because of my promotion to Captain, or that I want to protect you from a deeper heartache down the road, and though these things are true, it's not quite why I'm-"

She drew in a breath and closed her eyes, her tone sharp when she interrupted. "This isn't what I meant. I understand why you are terminating our involvement."

"You do," Chakotay replied skeptically.

"You have romantic feelings for another and you feel that you are betraying me – both of us – by continuing this relationship. Even though I do feel a certain anger and pain at this rejection," she said, only amplifying Chakotay's guilt, "your motives are not what confuses me."

Chakotay blinked at her in surprise. Clearly she knew him much better than he had given her credit for. Apparently the reverse wasn't true either; she still had a nag for surprising him, and he wondered if anyone would ever be able to truly know her. "You knew? Why didn't you say anything?"

"I accept the complexity of human feelings as well as the diversity of different kinds of love. You never gave me any reason to doubt your commitment. And that was sufficient."

Chakotay found himself staring at her again, thrown aback once again, before he shook himself."If not that, then what is it that confuses you?"

"If you knew you harbored feelings for the captain when we started our relationship, then why have you never told her of your feelings? You took a chance with me, why not take a chance with her?"

He almost laughed derisively – both at the fact that Seven had truly seen right through him, and at the thought of what she was suggesting. Why indeed. He sighed, not even trying to deny that Seven had nailed his true feelings. It was humbling and he had the strangest sensation that their positions had somehow switched – that he was the one now at the receiving end of the blunt, hard to swallow, truth. "That's… complicated."

"How so?" She asked, and despite the lingering hurt obvious in her frown and the defiant angle of her chin, he could also detect her more typical curiosity in her expression. Normally he would indulge her but…

He shook his head. "In too many ways to talk about right now," he replied dryly. Besides, it didn't feel appropriate, regardless of Seven's artless curiosity. She deserved much better than to hear him talk about his feelings for another woman.

"I see."

"Seven…" He prompted gently, studying her somberly. "I really am sorry. But I hope… I hope you don't regret what happened between us. Because I don't."

She studied his face for a moment, until she sighed through her nose. "No. I don't regret it either. But my feelings are irrelevant," she added sharply, for an instant reverting back to her old self. "I will adapt. Does this have an impact on my position on Voyager?"

Chakotay blinked again. "Not as far as I'm concerned. You'll always have your place in the crew of Voyager, Seven. It's your home as much as it's mine. But ultimately it's still your decision to make. I'd understand if you changed your mind."

She held his eyes for a moment. "Then I stand by my decision."

"I'm glad."

By now they had circled back to their building, and she climbed the steps to the main entrance. Chakotay remained where he was as he watched her go. On the top of the steps, she paused and turned back.

"I thank you, Chakotay. For teaching me to be a… more sensible… individual." Before Chakotay could reply she had stepped inside.

Chakotay stared after her, her words echoing in his head and realizing with a heavy heart that he had just given Seven her first lesson in heartbreak. He spent the rest of the night just walking.