Chapter 9: Interlude

3 months earlier

Kathryn yawned as she made her way toward the mess hall at the DQU headquarters.

It was late, and part of her wished she were in bed, but she desperately wanted to finish her report on B'Elanna's recent success in contacting Neelix in the Delta Quadrant before she headed back to her house. It was so exciting and such a tremendous advancement in their research mandates that she probably wouldn't be able to sleep anyway.

Besides, it wasn't like she had anyone to go home to. Three months in and she still had boxes to unpack at her new place, so the thought of going home wasn't all that appealing.

To accomplish her goal of finishing the report, she was in dire need of a little caffeinated kick-starter. Not only had the day been extremely busy – she had spent it running around the DQU or traveling between her office and Starfleet Command – but she had also been on her feet since the early hours of morning. Her fatigue was starting to take its toll on her concentration.

She wasn't complaining. All things considered, she actually appreciated how exacting her new position was. It kept her too busy to dwell on what she might be missing out – out there. And on days like today, she was happy with her decision to accept the promotion. It felt good, exhilarating.

Maybe she was finally starting to move on.

Most of the personnel had gone home for the night, so Kathryn was surprised to find B'Elanna sitting at the main table in the small DQU mess hall, her attention focused on the PADD she held with one hand while the other brought a cup of tea to her lips. What struck Kathryn, though, was B'Elanna's small, almost sad smile, as she read. Kathryn hadn't seen any type of smile on B'Elanna's face for a while now (with the exception of the moment she'd heard Neelix's voice replying to her first transmission), and it was good to see.

"Anything amusing in there? I could use a good laugh," Kathryn said as she made her way to the old fashioned coffee press that she had requested upon her return – much better than the replicated stuff – and she set out to boil some water.

B'Elanna glanced at her, shaking her head, unfazed to see that Kathryn was still here, despite the late hour. It was hardly unusual for Kathryn – however the same could not be said of B'Elanna. She usually went home at the end of the workday to be with her family (in fact that was the whole point of her accepting this position), and Kathryn wondered what made tonight different.

"Oh no, I just got a letter from Chakotay, from the Cardassian border. I've always loved his writing style, never fails to make me smile."

Kathryn's breath caught in her throat. She hadn't heard from him since he'd taken command of Voyager several weeks ago, and since Voyager wasn't part of her fleet, she didn't have direct knowledge of his comings and goings. She quickly buried the twinge of envy that tugged at her heart to know that he'd written to B'Elanna but not to her.

"I know what you mean," Kathryn replied softly. Even though Chakotay had never written her anything more personal than tactical reports, she had read enough of the latter to remember the subtle humor he'd infused them with, always somehow managing to bring a smile to her face. As if he could sense that it was exactly what she needed. With her back to B'Elanna as she fussed over the coffee, she was glad the younger woman couldn't see the sudden longing that was probably all over her face.

B'Elanna hummed in agreement. "Listen to this: "Though I came here for closure, my memories of this place, of our fallen comrades, of our battles, of my anger and desperation, are hard to shake. I feel like a stranger in my own body, as if the memories that swirl through my mind right now aren't actually mine, but those of a stranger, or of a man I once knew…"

Kathryn smiled sadly as B'Elanna trailed off, Chakotay's voice echoing the words in her head. How she wished he'd spoken those words to her, sought solace in her. She shook herself.

"Has revisiting the Cardassian border given him the closure he was looking for?"

B'Elanna sighed. "It's hard to tell. The rest of the letter sounds like he's trying to give me closure," she added wryly.

"Do you regret your decision not to go with them?" Kathryn asked gently as she turned to face her, leaning back against the counter.

B'Elanna took a moment to consider the question, her expression distant, distracted. "I don't know."

"It's all right to miss it, you know," Kathryn said softly, all too aware of the hypocrisy of her reassurance. If only she could convince herself.

B'Elanna gave a wry smile. "Is it? Every time I find myself wishing I was with them," she gestured to the PADD, "I feel as though I'm betraying Miral. And Tom." B'Elanna fell quiet and Kathryn considered her words in silence, the sound of bubbling water behind her echoing in the room. She quietly poured the water into the press and stirred the coffee grounds.

"But, Chakotay's letter helps. One thing that's clear from his words: we're not missing out on any excitement. He jokes that the boredom of the assignment has allowed him to give Harry a lot of command opportunities, while Chakotay puts his feet up on your desk."

Kathryn smiled, his words as bittersweet as the fact that he seemed to still consider the captain's desk as hers.

Coffee now pressed and ready to be poured, Kathryn moved to sit across from B'Elanna – but a sudden desire for something stronger made her double back. Never mind coffee – wine was what they needed – she could finish the report in the morning. Reaching into one of the highest cabinets, she grabbed a bottle of Vulcan wine that she kept there for special occasions. This, she decided, was one of them.

"To celebrate your achievements," Kathryn justified when B'Elanna threw her a surprised glance.

B'Elanna's lips twitched upwards, but then she went on. "By the way, Chakotay's asked me to relay a request to you before he submits it through the official channels: he'd like Voyager to be reassigned to the Exploratory Division. And, he sends his best," B'Elanna finished, her gaze lingering to study Kathryn's expression carefully, curiously, a question in her eyes.

"What?" Kathryn asked at last as she sat down and poured the wine.

B'Elanna startled. "Sorry, I suppose I'm wondering… why?"

"You'll have to be more specific, B'Elanna."

B'Elanna returned her gaze to the PADD and read: "Please give Admiral Janeway all my best, and if you think she would take it kindly, tell her I wish she were here with us. And the same goes for you, of course." B'Elanna stopped reading, reaching out to grab the wine glass that Kathryn was offering and held it distractedly while she glanced up at Kathryn again "Why doesn't he ask you to be part of the fleet? Why doesn't he tell you these things himself? Hasn't he written to you? I know it's none of my business- well, actually, I suppose Chakotay made it my business when he asked me to be his messenger, but…"

Kathryn pursed her lips as she leaned back in her chair and crossed her legs, resting her elbow on the back of her chair. She was unsure how to reply, or how much to divulge about the complicated state of her relationship with Chakotay. Or the equally complicated state of her feelings for him.

"Is it because of Seven?"

Kathryn's eyes shot to B'Elanna's in surprise.

B'Elanna smiled, more kindly than was typical of her, then scoffed. "I still can't believe it, I can only imagine how it must feel like for you… I mean you and Chakotay have always been so close. It has to be strange." She trailed off, her expression apologetic and hesitatingly inquisitive, somewhat unusual for the hot-tempered woman. As thought she knew that she was threading beyond the usual professional line, but offered a friendly ear nonetheless, regardless of her own reasons for staying here so late.

Kathryn suddenly understood. B'Elanna needed to talk, she needed a simple conversation, maybe to take her mind off her own problems – whatever they were. Because as different as Kathryn and B'Elanna were, they had found themselves in a similar boat, and were now both struggling to paddle away from a life they had loved, but forsaken for reasons that had seemed right at the time. B'Elanna had done it for her family, her daughter, and Kathryn had done it to nudge herself out of her comfort zone, to satisfy her ambitions and love of Starfleet – and, something she had barely admitted to herself – to escape the shock of her learning of Chakotay's relationship with Seven.

It was the openness on B'Elanna's face, that vulnerability, that did it. Or maybe it was the wine vapors. Vulcans did make exceedingly strong wines. Kathryn released a long sigh. "Oh I don't know, B'Elanna. I think maybe we just drifted apart, without neither of us realizing. It happens to the best of friends." She took a sip of wine, savoring the sweet, sour and burning flavor.

"Chakotay is a deeply loyal man, he wouldn't let that happen," B'Elanna retorted.

And yet, it had.

They were silent for a moment until B'Elanna gave a wry chuckle. "You know it's funny, before I fell in love with Tom, I remember feeling envious of the relationship you and Chakotay had. You were so… in sync, even in the early days. It infuriated me at first; I didn't understand why he followed you so blindly. But then I realized: you had just connected, like two pieces of a puzzle. Complementing each other. Making a whole." B'Elanna took another sip of wine. "That's why I think the thought of him with Seven surprises me so much. Seven isn't capable of that kind of… connection. I'm not saying she won't in time or with the right person, but she's still too… Borg... for Chakotay."

Kathryn took another sip. "I don't know about that. I think Seven feels much more than she lets on."

"Maybe." B'Elanna shrugged before leaning forward to prop her elbow on the table and rest her chin in her hand. "But, that connection you and Chakotay have… I've always assumed you two would eventually… you know, get together. If our circumstances ever changed, because I know how important duty was — is — to the both of you. But I thought, if we returned to the Alpha Quadrant… you know?"

Kathryn rubbed her temple to hide her sudden flush, before taking another sip of wine. She was bursting to say what had been kept inside for so long, for too long. She leaned to rest her elbows on the table, her fingers brushing against the side of the glass as she stared into the amber liquid.

"I've never told anyone this, not even admitted it to myself for a long time, but the truth is… deep down, I believed that too, for a while." It felt strange to say the words out loud, as if it suddenly made all of her feelings real, somehow.

B'Elanna kept silent, and quietly took another sip of her wine, her expression empathetic, but mostly just… listening, the wine already causing her dark eyes to lose their sharp focus. Kathryn herself felt her inhibitions slowly crumble down at her feet as a tingly kind of warmth spread through her veins. She took another sip.

"But there was so much standing between us," Kathryn went on – now that the floodgates had opened, there was no closing them again. "We'd long drawn a line between us, well actually, I drew a line between us – and we never crossed it. We saw other people, and kept on with our lives, but I think there was a part of me that believed that one day – one day, when we'd finally return home – the line of duty that stood between us would disappear. I thought he'd believed it too. But I guess I was wrong. Or maybe I just took too long, and he got tired of waiting for something that had little chance of happening. I can't blame him for not waiting indefinitely."

B'Elanna's voice was uncharacteristically gentle, understanding. "Have you ever told him any of this?"

Kathryn shook her head, letting a wry chuckle pass her lips. "Oh no. As close as we were, that's one conversation we couldn't have. Not once the parameters had been established." By her. She had done that. Kathryn finished her glass with a large gulp. B'Elanna grabbed the bottle and wordlessly refilled it. "So," Kathryn went on, "as much as it hurts to think about it, I care about him too much not to want him to be happy. And Seven too. So all I can do is to wish them all the best."

B'Elanna stared at her. "You're more generous than I could ever be," she said before gulping down the rest of her own glass. Kathryn promptly refilled it; two could play that game. "But I can't help thinking – it might not be too late."

Kathryn smiled wryly. "Why B'Elanna Torres, I never pegged you for a romantic."

B'Elanna looked insulted. "I'm not! Which is why you should believe me. Besides, he's hardly mentioned her in his letter," she added.

"I'm sure he's just being discrete."

B'Elanna shook her head. "Believe what you will, Admiral, but if I were a gambling woman, I would bet on Chakotay coming to his senses sooner rather than later."

Despite Kathryn's innermost, urgent desire to trust B'Elanna's instincts, rationally she couldn't let even the tiniest sliver of hope take hold of her heart. Because if she did and B'Elanna was wrong…

"Good thing you're not a gambling woman."

B'Elanna gave her a mischievous look. "Well, time will tell, I suppose." She raised her glass for a toast. "To the future."

Kathryn raised her glass. "To the future – may it bring us as much joy as did our past."

Their glasses clinked.