Chapter 13

As Kathryn prepared the sedative solution for Chakotay, her mind was busy trying to ignore all the ways in which this could go wrong. What if the sedative put Chakotay too deep under, or what if he couldn't do whatever he was planning to do? What if they were wrong and the photon beam hurt the entity instead of feeding it? Would it take revenge on him? Or, then again, what if, upon receiving some photons for dinner, the entity's hold on Chakotay's body grew so much that his pain became unbearable? Would his body and his mind be able to take it? The fever that had affected him before worried her – his body was clearly reacting to something, yet that presence remained invisible to her scans.

Ever since she had regained consciousness, she'd battled her concern for Chakotay and the fear that there might not be a way out of here. It was reassuring to know that the others were also putting their heads together to help them, but their real hope lay in Chakotay's ability to reach the entity somehow, and in ways that she couldn't even begin to fathom. She was a fairly good communicator when it came to verbal diplomacy, but how did one communicate using only emotions? As a scientist, she'd always been taught to be conscious but wary of her feelings, and as an officer, she'd always been taught to keep them in check lest it affected her judgment in life or death situation. This seemed all the more essential for Kathryn herself, as her own emotions tended to be volatile. Chakotay, on the other hand, always appeared much steadier, which was probably why their command duo worked so well – his poise grounded her when she needed it. So it was probably a good thing that the entity had chosen Chakotay over her to do this; his spirituality and open-mindedness would play in his favor. If anyone who was not Betazoid could do this, it was him.

Chakotay presently kneeled on the other side of the force field, eyes closed. She'd expected him to be relaxed, confident, but his brow was furrowed in concentration and Kathryn noticed that his fever had returned. His skin was flushed and his body trembled with quick and brief tremors. Her concern and fear skyrocketed.

The hypospray sedative was ready so she approached the force field quietly. "Chakotay," she said softly so as not to startle him.

His eyes opened and he met her gaze before gingerly standing to his feet. He paled with the motion, swaying. He had to place a steadying hand against the bulkhead before he could straighten to face her, his lips a thin line. At that moment Kathryn wished she could be able to feel what he was feeling, and share his burden somehow.

"Are you ready?" She asked, her voice barely above a whisper. Oh how she hated this! How much she wished she could switch places with him!

"As ready as I'll ever be," he replied before drawing in a deep breath. But then his hand reached out towards her, just short of touching the force field and he frowned. "No, wait. Before we do this, there's something I have to say," he started breathlessly, his tone urgent. "And I figure, if this doesn't work, I might never get another chance to-"

She shook her head to interrupt him, anything to keep him from believing that he was going to die or from telling her goodbye. Because there was no way in hell that she would let him die here. "You're going to be fine, Chakotay."

"But if I don't succeed-"

"No!" She interrupted forcefully, angrily, "You sound too much like someone who's getting ready to say goodbye, and I won't accept that!"

"Damn it Kathryn, for once just listen!"

His desperate tone stunned her into silence for a moment. "I'm listening, but," she added as she leaned forward and gave him a threatening look, "this better not be goodbye, Chakotay."

He merely shook his head before he dove in, urgently, breathlessly. "The other day, you told me I should follow my heart's desires, you told me that it's not too late for me to do what I truly want with my life. For a while after I got promoted I truly believed that Starfleet and commanding Voyager could do it for me." He paused to catch his breath, and Kathryn watched him with a mix of curiosity, dread and surprise. This was not the goodbye speech she had anticipated, yet the restless intensity in his gaze was enough to tighten her stomach into an uncomfortable knot of dread.

"But you see the thing is," he went on, licking his lips almost nervously, "all this time we've been back, there's been something missing. As if a part of me was left behind in the Delta Quadrant… I didn't understand it at first, why I felt this way. But then I realized, it's not a part of me that's been missing, Kathryn. It's you." He shifted on his feet, as if with the urge to step closer. "Voyager, the pips on my collar, being back home… None of that matters if you're not there too. Nothing - no one - can fill in that hollowness in my chest, no matter how hard I try," he clutched his chest with his hand as he spoke, his throat bobbing when he swallowed. Kathryn's eyes filled with moisture as she saw his own eyes shine with emotion. But then he sighed, his shoulders sagging a little with the movement. "I have no expectations, Kathryn," he went on, his voice quieter now, almost resigned. "I just… I just want you to know what you mean to me. You deserve to hear me say it, at least once. Because the simple truth is: you mean everything."

Kathryn's eyes filled with moisture as she stared up at him, too surprised and amazed at his words to formulate a coherent response. She couldn't quite believe her ears…After months of misery and wondering if she'd let her chance pass forever…! Her relief and joy and fear and hope roared to the surface, almost too strong and fast to contain.

Before she could formulate a response he went on. "But," he continued with renewed resolve, "a long time ago, I vowed to myself, and to you, that I would always put your needs first, no matter what. I intend to keep honoring that promise, so…" He swallowed again and blinked back some moisture from his own eyes. "If what you need is for me to never speak of this again, I'll respect that. That's… that's what I wanted to say."

Kathryn gasped, her heart too full, her emotions too raw and jumbled to be able to speak or make sense of them. So she did the one thing that did make sense. Locking eyes with him and holding, she extended her hand toward the control panel to the side. Her hand reached inside and with one flick of her finger, the force field disintegrated between them with a familiar whoosh.

It was as he'd said: this ability of his had some advantages.

Chakotay startled in surprise, his whole expression changing when her jumbled mix of emotions reached him: love, joy, hope, anticipation, excitement, relief, desire, affection, fear, admiration, certainty. She needed him —she loved him— and, for the first time since knowing him, she wanted him to know it. She was ready for him to know it, and to embrace the feelings and the potential between them.

Chakotay huffed out a breath, dark eyes wide and astonished as they held hers for a long moment. Kathryn smiled, not caring that some of the moisture escaped her eyes.

He shook his head in awed incredulity before he bridged the gap between them in one big step. His hands reached up to cup her cheeks when their bodies stopped just short of clashing together. Breathing heavily, he touched his forehead with hers and closed his eyes – his feverish skin felt warm against hers, fueling her concern for him. "Kathryn," he rasped. "Do you really mean it?"

She closed her eyes too as she curled her hands on the back of his neck, holding him close, his breath hot against her skin. It took only a slight tilt of her head for her to answer his question and graze his lips with hers. Chakotay shivered at the contact. But then he leaned in and caught her mouth hungrily, desperately, pulling her closer. There was no hesitation and no playfulness in his kiss, just intent and raw passion. Kathryn lost herself in the sensations, in him, responding eagerly and meeting him kiss for kiss, giving as much as she got, his urgency and desperation contagious.

Eventually his kisses slowed to something more loving and reverent, and he caressed her lips one last time before he pulled back, just far enough to rest his forehead against hers again, his breathing as shallow as hers. His lips curled. "I'll take that as a yes. You actually mean it."

The hint of joyful teasing in his words and tone got a small, surprised chuckle out her. "Have you ever known me to not mean what I say?" She caressed his cheek, loving the feel of his breath on her chin, the familiar scent of him, the feel of his hair through her fingers.

He pulled back a little more, chest still heaving and his gaze earnest as it searched hers. "I love you. I…" His words faltered as though they failed him and Kathryn smiled at the way he furrowed his brow, touching his cheek again.

"I love you." It was ridiculously easy to say the words after years of feeling threatened by them. Kathryn was amazed at how right it felt to say it. So she said it again. "I love you."

He let out a long shuddering breath and held her gaze. After a long beat he nodded to himself as he took a step back, then reached out around her and grabbed the hypospray with the sedative she had left by the medkit. He offered it to her.

Kathryn nodded in understanding as her hand came up to rest on his chest, the drum of his heartbeat strong and steady, but still a little too fast, beneath her palm. She gazed at him for a long moment, her feelings still probably going at him in strong waves. She looked down at his hand and took the hypospray.

Her eyes met his again before she reached up and injected the sedative into his neck.

They shared one last nod and then she stepped back, still holding his eyes, and reached out to reactivate the field.