Chapter 14: Interlude

Just a little over three months before, on the Cardassian Border

Chakotay sat at the desk in the ready room aboard Voyager, words and ideas flowing from his mind to his fingers as he attempted to convey what being here was like to B'Elanna. There were times when he wished she had decided to come with them. He understood why she hadn't, but maybe she would have been able to help him make sense of the senseless hollowness that he felt being back here on the Border.

"Since I've been here," he typed, "I've felt like a stranger in my own body, as if the memories that swirl through my mind right now aren't actually mine, but those of a stranger, or of a man I once knew. I'm not sure what I expected to find here, but it's not there. The star systems divided by the new Border seem barren of any life – it's like all sides have fled it after the decimation of the Maquis and the war with the Dominion. Since Voyager has arrived, we haven't come across anyone, with the exception of one or two Federation patrols. Not even commercial freighters. It's as if this corner of space is still trying to recover from the trauma of war. Barely breathing, just… surviving. I was hoping to find closure here, but I don't think I'll find anything at all. In spite of all that, I don't regret asking for this assignment. Despite the fact that it's not quite what I had in mind, it does feel like I'm coming full circle somehow. Especially being so close to the Badlands, the place that turned all of our lives upside down in the most impossible way, and with the most extraordinary consequences. But that's old news, so I won't bore you with my thoughts on that."

He shifted the tone of his letter to something lighter as he described how uneventful their mission had been so far. He couldn't help but imagine how Kathryn would have reacted to being in his situation – nothing to explore, no one to interact with, just routine scans and weekly maintenance. She'd always hated stagnancy, and it cheered him up a little to think of her, even if the pleasure was bittersweet. He'd tried writing to her a couple of times, but in the end had always deleted the letters, never satisfied with the results. They'd felt either too impersonal or too personal and he didn't quite know how to strike a balance. Maybe he could ask B'Elanna to forward his best wishes instead.

He was distracted by the door chime. "Come in."

Harry walked in, a PADD in his hand, and stepped to the desk to give it to Chakotay. "Our latest results on the scans of Lykin 5. Nothing unusual to report. As usual."

Chakotay threw him a wry glance before taking a look at the report. "Trying to tell me something, Mr. Kim?"

"Permission to speak freely, sir?"

Chakotay leaned back into the chair and nodded. "Go ahead."

"What are we doing here? We've been here for three months, scanning, patrolling, surveilling, looking for…what? I understand that this assignment is personal for many members of the crew, yourself included, but as first officer it's my duty to keep you apprised of the crew's morale, and I'm sorry to say that even the former Maquis don't understand why we linger. They feel like we should be doing something else, something more. After the Delta Quadrant experience, everyone finds it really difficult to sit still. Which is what it feels like we've been doing recently."

Chakotay stood and walked around his desk to face his first officer. Harry's expression was one of wariness, but also stark determination. Good. He was learning to stand his ground. Chakotay placed his hands on his hips and met Harry's eyes. "I agree. Which is exactly why I'm going to ask Admiral Janeway for Voyager to be reassigned to the Exploration Division."

Harry blinked in surprise. "You are?"

"I think it's about time we moved on from this place, all of us, but especially myself. Let's put Voyager to better use."

Harry grinned in relief. "The crew will be happy to hear that." He relaxed his posture and stared up at Chakotay excitedly. "I heard the new Deep Space station they're building is going to be amazing. A true feat of integrated technology. I'd like to see it when it's done."

"Well, if Admiral Janeway consents to my request, there's a good chance you will."

"I doubt she'll say no. She loves this ship too much not to want it back within her grasp!" Realizing how that sounded, Harry's smile froze and he stammered. "I mean, not that she can do with it as she pleases, well I guess she can, actually, but what I mean is, you're the Captain, so she-"

"Harry, stop before you dig yourself in deeper."

"Right." He cleared his throat and clasped his hands together behind his back. "When you communicate with her, please send her my best, and tell her we all miss her. Not that you're not a great captain, you are, it's just-"

"Harry!"

"Right. I'll stop talking now, and just return to the bridge," he said, pointing in the direction of the bridge with his thumb, his desire to leave the room almost palpable.

Chakotay nodded, trying to keep a straight face at Harry's embarrassed retreat. "Good idea."

"Good night, sir."

Chakotay smiled to himself as he returned to his chair. Despite being a Lieutenant, Harry was a competent first officer. He was a quick learner, and was quickly building self-confidence in his abilities to lead. Chakotay was glad that he was able to give him the command experience he needed – that had been one advantage of this assignment, at least. He was actually considering recommending him for another promotion soon – it would make up for the lack of opportunities he'd had for advancement while in the Delta Quadrant.

Harry's words about Kathryn echoed in Chakotay's mind as he stared at the monitor without seeing. He didn't take it personally that the crew missed her – he probably missed her most of all and it was a daily struggle not to wish she were here with them. The urge to make a call to the admiralty right now and speak to her, see her face, hear her voice, was suddenly so powerful, he asked the computer to open a transmission, but then hesitated, the command on the tip of his tongue.

But something stopped him, just like it had countless times before. She hadn't reached out to him in months, and he attributed it to the fact that she was either too busy, or she was still recovering from whatever had made her distance herself from him and the crew.

He closed the transmission window with a sigh, and returned to his letter to B'Elanna instead.