The always and always and always

by Linneagb

Kirsten actually was pregnant once in between Seth and Sophie Rose. Except everything ended in the worst possible way. And thinking about it Sandy still just feels so helpless even now, ten years later. Oneshot. Alternative title "The little big brother" TW. Miscarriage.

So. Here is the third of these ideas I have for O. C. Oneshots. For the moment I have two more ideas yet to be started. And two already finished and put up. But as I can remember, this one is the first one I thought of. Already while watching the first season. Yet I wanted to watch the full series before I started it. And feared when Kirsten got pregnant that there would be something that broke this whole plan… Well, it didn't and… Here we go.

Seven year old Seth Cohen is portrayed by August Maturo. And I made a polyvore edit for him. My polyvore is 'Linneagbffn' and you can find the edit under the name 'Seth Cohen' in the collection 'Other stories'

Everything but the flashback is set somewhere in the first season. I guess it's slightly AU.

"Come on…" The first sound that reached my ears was Seth's voice blended with a sound from a video game I couldn't quite recognize. "…Why won't you let me have a go on it? It's my new game after all."

"Well, I can't just stop in the middle of it. Just let me finish this part… whoa." Ryan was obviously not very concentrated on what he was saying but also on whatever game he was playing. "Then I can save it and…" He silent in the middle of the sentence and I heard a loud sigh from Seth's.

Something made me stop there in the hallway after putting down my briefcase. I didn't quite know what it was or even why but listening to Seth and Ryan's brotherly carping was just great only listening to. And I couldn't help but to let a big smile come upon my lips when there was yet another loud sigh of Seth's.

"I guess I'll go make myself a snack or something."

"I wouldn't mind…" I could almost hear the way Ryan was concentrating on the game console and the TV while he spoke to Seth. "…We're out of bagels."

"You took the last bagel too?" Seth wined and then I heard his steps coming towards the hallway. I was pretty sure none of the boys had heard me coming. But one thing was for sure and I did hear what Seth was mumbling to himself. "I'm not sure I'm very good at this whole brother- thing."

"Well I'm sure." I said without hesitating, Seth jumped and panting he saw me at last. "Sorry I didn't mean to scare you. And… I'm sure- you're doing great. A big change coming on like this wouldn't be easy on anyone and you've done it great. You're the best brother ever. And Ryan didn't take the last bagel by the way. I did."

Seth moaned and continued towards the kitchen to get some cereal or something. And I couldn't help but to give a short chuckle. And then I just felt the usual squeeze in my heart when the thought hit me that Seth already was the best brother ever. He had been for almost ten years when I and Kirsten found out we were pregnant for a second time.

After all he was Amy's brother too. He was even the one that had come up with her name. Even though things with her hadn't worked out quite the way we thought it would.

Flashback

"…It's rare for this to happen this late during the pregnancy. But it does happen…"

"Is there anything I can do for you honey?" A few hours, that felt like a thousand years since we had been at the doctor's for what would have been only a regular check-up. Kirsten was lying on the exact same spot she had laid down as soon as we came home. "You should eat something…. Or at least drink."

"…There was nothing you or we could have done to prevent or stop it…"

To even think about something as every day as food or drink after all of what had happened today made everything hurt if even possible even more than a second ago.

"…You had a miscarriage…"

Kirsten didn't answer me. Just as little as she had answered every other daily question I had asked the last eight hours since we came back from the doctor's visit for the worst moment of our lives.

"….I'm so sorry…"

I felt so helpless where I sat on the edge of Kirsten's side of our bed. I was stroking away a tress of hair that kept on falling to the side and into her eyes, but barely thought about it while I tried to grab for something, just anything that could help me help her.

Kirsten herself laid on her side turned to me. She hadn't said a word since we came home. But the expression on her face since she laid down spoke a million times worse than any words or even tears or sobs ever could have.

I flinched when the sound of the doorbell ringing went off and echoed through the house. Then flinched again when Kirsten answered before I had even had the time to ask the question.

"You go. Tell Seth."

More than anything right now. It hurt me to rub my love's shoulder and then stand up to leave her on her own in that plain bedroom on that bed. Because nothing hurt me more than knowing that she was hurting even more than I ever could have imagined.

Yet I couldn't do anything else than obey and do as I was told. We had already spoken on the phone to Rose Nichol, Kirsten's mum. Who was taking care of our son for the day. And even though we hadn't wanted to give her the details over the phone. She did know something was wrong- very wrong.

"Hey guys." I hadn't wanted to leave the door open so anyone could come in and startle Kirsten so I unlocked and opened the door to Seth and Rose and greeted them tiredly. "How's today been?"

"What did the doctor say?" Seth ignored my questioned and his eyes were shining with curiosity when he looked up at me. "Do you know if I'm going to have a brother or a sister? I don't really care. But I kind of just want to know. Do you know? What else did you find out? Is everything alright with mum? Where is mum? Why isn't she greeting me at the door?" Seth looked around. "Where is mum?"

I stood frozen on my spot by the door, still holding it open. Staring from Seth, up at Rose and then back down to Seth who was, despite his questioning, still shining like the brightest sun. Yet with a concerned look on his face.

"Where is mum?"

"Sethy. It's past your bedtime and we already had hot coco and a bagel. So why don't you and get changed and get ready for bed?" Seth nodded so fastly his curls bobbed up and down towards his forehead. "That's good honey…." We waited for a moment before we could hear Seth disappear into the bathroom on the second floor. "Sandy? What happened today?"

That Rose had questioned it would mean I would have to give an answer. And the thought spinning in my head made a big lump rise in my throat keeping me from saying a single sound. Or I'd break down crying before I had the time.

"How bad is it?"

My mother in law must have seen the terrible news in the expression on my face. Because I still hadn't been able to get a single sound out.

But still it, like so many times before. Hit me how kind and selfless Rose Nichol was when she seemed to let go of this unborn child being her grandchild and rather caring for her own daughter.

"Where's Kirsten?"

"Upstairs." I could finally force out of my dry and thick throat. "In bed."

"Do you want me to stay? Or go and talk to Kirsten?"

"Actually…" I scratched my neck trying to find the right words. Then drew a deep breath to get my voice back. "…I… I think we need to be alone. Only Kirsten, I and Seth. I'm sorry but..."

"Don't say you're sorry sweetie." Rose reached up and stroke my cheek. "I understand." She smiled sadly. "You know where I am if you need me. You only need to call. Even if it's in the middle of the night." I nodded and forced the lump in my throat down.

"You come back tomorrow." I said, carefully and with tears in my voice. "I'm so sorry."

Rose reached up and tenderly touched my cheek with her lips. Then she squeezed my hand with hers and smiled sadly in silence one last time before she turned and walked out the door. And all of that while I still couldn't think of a single word to say or a single thing to do.

"DA-AD. I'M READY."

Seth called for me from upstairs and I flinched. I could just have been standing right there, staring right ahead of me without even knowing what was right ahead of me forever. Now I didn't have a choice but to go and talk to my son, and with heavy steps I slowly made my way to his room where he was already sitting on his bed.

"Hey kiddo." I said to drag out on it. "Did you have a good day at grandma's?"

"I don't care about my day with grandma." Seth was as good as bouncing up and down on his bed in the rhythm of his words. "I want to know about my little sister… Dad? Why do you look so sad? And where's mum?"

I had just never realized how little Seth looked. And how innocent, his room and pyjamas covered in Scooby- Doo themed things. Captain Oats in his hands and his big, hazel eyes looking up at me under his wild, dark curls. It all just seemed so innocent in a way it never would again after having been broken.

"Seth?" I sat down on the edge of the bed, reached out and took his little hand in my big. Then drew a deep breath in and realized I couldn't drag on it anymore. "Do you know what it means to die?"

Seth looked thoughtful for a few moments. A part of me wanted him to know so I wouldn't have to explain it. And another part of me wanted him to not know so he could have lived all his life up to this point without having to break.

"There's a girl named Summer Roberts at my school. Her grandma died a while ago." Seth said in his innocent, childlike way. "She was sad. But then she said that her grandma had gone to sleep and flied up to heaven. Is that what my little sister did?"

"Gone to sleep and gone to heaven?" I nodded. "When you die it looks as if you're asleep but really you have flown up to heaven. And the thing is… sometimes people die before they're even born. And you know how your little sister or brother was growing in mum's belly?" Seth nodded. "Well… that little baby, who was your sister and brother died in there."

"So…" Seth looked thoughtful and with a child's innocence asked the one question he could think of. "…Is she still in mummy's belly?" I nodded. "Then how can she be in heaven?"

"Well… When you die. It's only your body who stays where it is. Your soul, your personality and everything you have ever felt flies out of you invisibly and goes straight up to heaven. And then one day, when we all die. We're going to meet the ones we love again."

Seth silent with a frown in his forehead and biting his lip. For anybody else it would only be thoughtful. But the painful look in the hazel color of his eyes made me want to rip this- all of this into pieces and end it all.

"When I'm big…." Seth said at last and ran his hand over his astronaut-printed covers. "…I'm going be an astronaut and go up to heaven and visit my sister. Because I want to meet her and I'd like her to meet me too. Maybe you could come with me, dad. And mum too."

"That's good Sethy." I rubbed his hand with my thumb. "Is there anything you want to know more? Because I know you probably have a lot of questions? Or is there anything at all I can do for you now?"

Seth looked up at me with those, big hazel eyes. And I knew exactly what he had wanted me to do before he said it.

"Can you make my sister alive again?"

And it was almost like my heart was smashed into pieces all over again.

"No. Sorry kid. I can't do that. No one can."

"Oh…" Seth breathed and hugged Captain Oats tight to his chest. One of his hands slipping out of mine and moving to rub Captain Oats's plastic neck. "Then I don't think there's anything else. I think I'd like to only be alone."

"Alone? Are- are you sure?" Seth nodded. "Okay. I'll go check on your mum then. She's very sad too. Even more sad than you or me. And you know you only have to come to our room if you want anything tonight?" Seth nodded. "That's good kid. Try to go to sleep. It's late." I stood up and started making my way towards the door with heavy steps.

"I know my sister could have been a brother too dad." Seth said just as I was on my way out of the room. I froze in my steps, walked back to my son's bed and sat down to reach his level. Seth now had tears in his eyes and one, big one was rolling down his cheek. "But I really think she was a sister. So maybe I can still say she was my sister?"

I didn't dare say anything. But knowing that we soon were to find out anyway, and also knowing the feeling both I and Kirsten had had two that it was a girl made something clench around my heart again and my throat was too thick to say anything at all.

Of course it wouldn't have mattered if it was a girl or a boy. Seth was the best thing that had ever happened to us. But there had just been that feeling and I had seen in front of me a daddy's little girl who would be so sweet and innocent and I would do anything and everything ever in my power to keep her safe.

And now I couldn't. And I would never be able to

Seth was old enough to understand that what it meant when my voice would break. And I didn't need for him to worry about me at this point.

"I would have liked a little sister…" Seth told me in a shaky and squeaky voice. "…And I would have liked being a big brother."

I tried to reach and grab for something. Just something to say. Anything that could only make it all better for him.

I must have been far away into my own thoughts because when we could hear the door to Seth's room open and someone who we couldn't see yet come in I flinched and jumped high.

"Mum." Seth reached out for her and I had to move away so Kirsten could sit down closest to Seth. "I think it was a sister, mum." Seth was sobbing more than talking at this point. "And I saw some names in grandma's book. I found that Amy means beloved…" He wiped his cheek with the sleeve of his pyjamas. "…So I called her Amy because I really loved her." I pressed my jaws together not to make a sound at what my son said. "…So even if… even if…" Seth looked down, I could almost see the way his thoughts were spinning to find the right the words. "Even though she's… even though she's dead now. Can I still call her that?"

For the first time, hearing the word "Dead" about mine and Kirsten second child was like a punch in the face and like someone ripped your heart into pieces. I had known before too, but just hearing the words.

"Can I call her that? Can I call her that always and always and always?"

Kirsten showed Seth to sit up and come closer. Then embraced him tightly and pushed her fingers through his wild curls in a comforting move. But not that that would ever help in something like this anyway. But Seth still started sobbing loudly into his mother's shirt. And somewhere in the way they sat made me realize that it would probably be for the best if I left them two alone for a while.

I made sure my steps were as careful and as silent as they possibly could be while I walked out of Seth's room, through the house and into my and Kirsten's bedroom and through it. Where I locked myself into the closet I sunk down onto the floor.

There was no way I could have kept upright with all of those feelings, that sorrow and that pain pushing me down from every direction were just too heavy and I sunk down onto the floor with my back against the door and shaking with silent sobs.

I could have roared, shouted and screamed at the top of my lungs. Anything just to get the pain that was ripping my whole body into pieces out of myself and my body.

But with every sob I let the tears out from my eyes but forced every sound down my throat. It didn't matter what I felt- no chance I was doing it loud and putting even more on Kirsten and Seth than their own feelings they had more than enough to deal with.

I opened my mouth wide and with tears spurting from my eyes I screamed.

Although I didn't scream. Not a single sound rose from my burning throat. Not a single one while I clenched my fists and hit right out into the air. Anything to keep the feelings without making a sound that could startle my wife or my son.

And then I was left, crouched on the floor. Shaking out of violent but silent sobs.

I had heard somewhere that the worst that could ever happen to a human being was for a parent to lose his or her child.

Now, feeling this way with pain ripping my heart into pieces. Lying on the floor and not even being able to hold my head up. Screaming without a single sound rising from my throat and with the sound of my son crying ringing in my ears.

Was this the way it was supposed to be? Always and always and always?

End of flashback

When I woke up from my deep thoughts I realized I must have been far, far, far away. In some way I had moved to my and Kirsten's bedroom and into the closet. Where I knew exactly where to find what I was looking for.

Even those I didn't even know I was looking for until now.

I reached for the top shelf furthest into the closet. And behind two regular shoe boxes I felt and lifted down one wrapped one with a small, pink name tag that Seth had made in school on.

I didn't even have to lift the lid of the shoe box carefully wrapped in a pink-patterned wrapping paper and with a small, pink name tag reading "Amy Cohen". I already knew what was in it. We didn't have time to buy very much for our Amy before… Before that doctor's visit but in the box was all of it. All of what we had left of our Amy, except for the memories that was. And the dark ones had a way with taking over.

None of us could even stand the thought of standing mourning by a grave and holding an actual funeral. It would just be too mentally exhausting at that moment. So when she was born, we had let her be cremated. Then taken a boat, only I, Kirsten, Seth and Rose out a few miles away from shore and spread it along with some pink roses.

Tears were rising in my eyes while I thought about that day. It had been beautiful after all. But nothing like we could have ever imagined having to do with our baby. And standing here with only a shoe box wrapped in pink patterned wrapping paper hurt… it just hurt. Yet I reached for the lid and lifted it.

I already knew what I'd find. A printed photo from the first sonogram, a colorful copy of goodnight moon, a tiny little fleece shirt patterned in black and white and pink, a tiny pair of pink sneakers and a soft blanket patterned with pink, and white elephants. Then that was it. All that we'd ever have for our Amy- our beloved fit into one shoebox.

And maybe I was lucky I'd memorized it. Because I didn't get a chance to open it.

"Sandy? Have you seen my…" I flinched and dropped the box when I heard Kirsten's voice behind me. The lid I had half opened fell off and the things fell out.

Kirsten had silent and I froze where I was standing while Kirsten looked from me, to the things on the floor, then to me, back to the floor. And back to me while I saw tears rising in her eyes. And oh how I hated myself for doing this to her.

"Kirsten I…" I couldn't figure what to say. "Let me do that."

My wife ignored whatever I had tried to say. She put the shoebox next to me. Folded the shirt and the blanket neatly. She was careful to place everything carefully so nothing could get broken in the box and laid the sonogram picture on top, before she placed the lid back and lifted it back. Standing on her tippy toes to reach, but still making up her mind she'd be able to.

"Let me do that."

Kirsten only ignored me. It had been ten years since she had been pregnant for the second and last time. But she still ignored anyone who would try and bring it up.

Not a day went by without me thinking about Amy that had lied so still in my hands when she was born after everything. Not a day went by without that doctor's words and Seth's sobs and his wish for me to make Amy alive ringing in my ears. Not a day went by without the feeling of my heart being ripped into pieces all over again.

So what Kirsten would be feeling I could never have imagined.

Right now I regretted ever going in here. Even more for each second while Kirsten lifted up those random boxes between the special one and the edge of the shelf. And still ignoring me she left the room.

And then how much of the pain after all of these years did it take for her to ignore me like that?

A part of me wanted me to run after her, wrap her up in my arms and never let it go. With everything I had talk about Amy for real for the first time. Tell Ryan about her, go through all about what we had felt. About the pain too.

"Kirsten." I shouted after her, still with that same callous look on her face but at least not ignoring me anymore she turned to me just before I, without a single word wrapped my arms around my wife and held on tight. "I'm sorry. I don't know what I was doing even."

"Can we…" Kirsten pushed me away. "…Please not talk about that."

I suppressed a sigh while Kirsten continued towards the kitchen. While I was frozen in that exact same way I had been all of those years ago before I followed her and hugged her from behind. Because whatever I did then not a chance Kirsten could keep on ignoring me if I did.

"I just wanted you to know…" I almost whispered into her ear. "…that if you ever want to talk about… that. Or even anything else then I want you to always know…"

"I don't." She pushed me away and riffled in the different takeout- restaurants- menus we kept. "What do you want for dinner? Chicken? Shrimp? Vegetarian?"

"Let the boys choose." I waved towards the living room and then finished what I had tried to say to my wife before she had pushed me away under my breath. "….I want you to always know that I'm here. For always and always and always."

So… that's it 'hands tissues to you all' I hope you liked it even though it was really sad.

Random fact

When I thought of this story I yet hadn't watched the episode with The Nana. And had actually planned for "Amy's" name to be Sophie or Sophia. I was quite surprised when the Nana came into the series and her name was Sophie, even the daughter Kirsten and Sandy had later on was named Sophie Rose… Weird.