JACKSON

When the alarm goes off at 4:30, I'm more confused than anything. I reach over to shut it off and stare at the screen with wide, blinking eyes, and realize that I have to get back to the guest bedroom before Mr. Kepner gets up.

I kiss the back of April's head as she sleeps soundly beside me. I have one arm over her ribcage and the other under her neck, and she's holding loosely onto both of my hands. "I gotta go," I say.

She doesn't stir, so I decide to just try and slip out without waking her. I lift my left arm easily, but sliding the right one out from under her head proves to be a bit more difficult. As I pull on it, she shifts and murmurs softly, then holds onto my wrist so I can't move.

I laugh. "I have to go…" I say again.

"Don't want you to," she says. "I'm cozy."

"I know," I say, finally getting my arm out and kissing her temple. "But your dad."

"Who cares," she says, flipping over onto her back. She's still completely naked, and her breasts flatten out on her chest as she changes her position to look at me.

I know it's her sleepy state talking, but I really don't want to leave, either. She looks so perfect, lying there wearing absolutely nothing, asking me to stay. I can't say no to her, at least not for a few more minutes.

"A little bit longer," I say. "But I don't wanna get caught."

She smiles, her eyes blinking slowly as she pulls my face down to hers so she can kiss me. Her lips move lazily against mine as she's still half-asleep, and I love the warmth from her body radiating onto me. "You're such a good kisser," she says, moving her lips from my mouth down to my chin and jaw.

"So are you," I say. "You must have had a great teacher."

"Yeah," she says, gliding her tongue over my adam's apple. I'm starting to get hard, which I knew was inevitable. "Matthew, behind the blue slide in fifth grade was really great."

"I hate you," I say, and she giggles lightly.

I shift my body so my face is level with her chest, and press sporadic kisses around her breasts. I can feel her watching me, and I like it. She always wants to know exactly what I'm doing.

I take one of her nipples in my mouth, laving my tongue over the smooth skin and the bumps around the point in the middle, and feel her hips lift up to meet mine. I graze my teeth along the hardened bud, and she lets out a ragged breath in response to it.

"Jackson," she says, pushing me down by my shoulders. I know what she wants, but I love hearing her say it. Hearing her ask for it. It's one of my biggest turn-ons.

"What?" I ask.

She squirms, her pent-up desire showing. "Please," she says, making eye contact with me for emphasis.

"What?" I say again. "I don't know what you're…"

She makes a frustrated face. "Can you go down on me? I know you know what I want, just… geez," she says, smirking. "I said it. Can you do it?"

"Gladly," I say, and slip beneath the covers so she can't see me, where I settle between her thighs. She bends her knees and presses them against me when I kiss low on her belly, and lets out a desperate little sound when I connect my mouth to her core.

"Mm," she moans, her voice low as I push my tongue inside of her. "You are so… you are so good," she says, arching her back. I usually like making eye contact with her every now and then while I'm between her legs, but it's kind of exciting being where she can't see me. She has no idea what I'll do next, and that's a little thrilling.

So without warning, I delve two fingers inside of her under my chin, and she makes a surprised, pleasured sound. "You like that?" I ask, pumping them rhythmically.

I feel her inner muscles tighten, and I grow completely hard. Her body is a goddamn miracle.

"Yeah," she whines, breathing hard. "Oh god, yeah."

I press slow kisses against her, dragging my teeth across her outer lips and finally sucking the sensitive bundle of nerves into my mouth.

"Oh god, Jackson!" she moans, way too loud. I know she can't help how loud she gets, but my hands and mouth are too busy to go up there and keep her quiet. We're playing a very dangerous game. "That feels so good, so good, oh my god. Keep going, keep going, keep going, please."

I'm not about to disobey her. I continue what I'm doing until she's a mess of involuntary sounds and erratic jerks because of what I've done, and I smile with pride that I'm the only one who knows how to make her feel this way.

"That was… so good," she breathes, and just as I'm about to come up from beneath the sheet, there's a soft knock on the door. "What," April mutters urgently, mostly to herself. "Who…"

Fuck. Shit. Is that her dad? Who else would it be? We're caught. We're definitely caught and I'm going to have to go back to Chicago or Boston for this stupid holiday and I won't be able to see her for a while. This is going to be so bad. We're going to get reamed out while we're both naked. It's going to be the worst thing I've ever experienced.

But I don't hear her dad's voice. It's a female one. I stay beneath the covers, where I'm probably the safest.

"Dad wanted me to come get you for chores," I hear, and April says something in return while clenching my body tight between her legs, telling me without words to stay where I am. I didn't plan on moving, anyway. "And… you should know that you need to learn to keep it down."

"I…" April begins, and I hear the clack of something hitting her nightstand.

"I'm not gonna tell. I know how it goes. I just need you guys to be safe about...things."

"Okay," April whispers. "I'll be out for chores in a minute."

When the door shuts, she pulls me up from under the sheet. "Who was that?" I hiss.

"Libby," she says, and reaches over to the nightstand, coming back with a box of condoms in her hand. "She knows that we don't need another Kepner sister popping out a baby. So…"

I laugh, take the box, and smother her with kisses.

"I have to go do chores," she says, letting out a long breath. "But I can't think about anything other than… other than…"

"That orgasm I just gave you," I say, kissing her and pulling her bottom lip between my teeth.

"Yeah," she breathes, her head falling back so her neck is exposed. I can't resist, I run my finger down the length of it and she laughs, which makes it move. "Come out and do chores with me. You can see those goats you love to talk about."

"Alright," I say. "I've never been up this early before in my life, you should know."

"Get used to it," she says. "City boy."

Alice is already outside when we get there, feeding the barn cats and replacing their water. She's rubbing her eyes tiredly, but she has a smile on her face. "Hi, Kitten. Hi, Baby. Hi, Marcus. Hi, Lulu," she says, scattering food around in each dish. "Good morning, Mama Kitty. Morning, Climber. Morning, Tipper. Morning, Millennium. And one last good morning to you, Bitty."

"That's a lot of cats," I say, watching them all congregate.

"I know," April says, pulling on galoshes that go up to her knees. "They keep the rats and stuff away. They're all Alice's babies. She's been the cat whisperer since she was little."

Alice grins at us from where she's crouched down next to all the cats, petting them as they come to her. I'm not an animal person, but it's pretty cute.

"What's your chore?" I ask.

"I told you. Goats," she says. "I'm gonna clean out their stall and feed them, wanna help?"

"I…"

She picks up a sizable shovel from the corner of the room. "Don't worry," she says. "I'm not gonna make you touch poop or anything. I don't know, just entertain them while I clean up. They really like to bother me. That's something you guys have in common."

Alice laughs. I grumble.

"Fine, fine, right behind you," I say, and we make our way to the goat pen.

"There are seventeen of them altogether," April says, pointing. "Roberto, Shrek, Fiona, Lovey, DJ, Ginger, Fernando, Dot, Dash, Otis, Bojangles, The Professor, Roma, London, Paris, Clover, and Bob."

"Seventeen," I say, watching them all trot in hearing April's voice. "Jesus. How do you remember all their names?"

She swings a leg at a time over their fence, and I watch them go up to her and nibble on her clothes, then get in her way of walking. She laughs as she trips over them, and tries to hold them back as she makes her way to their food trough. "They all have their own personalities!" she says.

"I like Shrek and Fiona," I say. "And I like how all of them have these thought-out names, then there's Bob."

"My dad went through a minimalist phase," she says, then cracks up. She picks up a little one and nuzzles it close to her face. "This is my favorite. Her name is Lovey."

"Hi, Lovey," I say, a little awkwardly.

"Who's hungry for breakfast?" she choruses, then dumps a bunch of food in their trough. "Okay, you guys enjoy. I'm gonna get to cleaning. And you can play with Jackson once you're done!"

I lean against the fence and watch April work, scooping out a bunch of nasty stuff and putting it to the side, where I'm not sure what will happen to it after.

"So today's Thanksgiving," she says. "I guarantee Mom's already in the kitchen, working like crazy."

"Who's all gonna be here?" I ask.

"Well, all of us of course," she says, taking a break and leaning on her shovel. "And my aunts and uncles will come - Aunt Diane, Aunt Amy, Aunt Cathy, Aunt Mary, Aunt Carrie. Aunt Diane is married to Uncle Mitch, Aunt Amy is married to Uncle Bart, and Aunt Cathy never got married, but she's my favorite cousin's mom. Melissa. She's my age. And my other cousin, Sarah, is Aunt Diane and Uncle Mitch's. And Aunt Amy and Uncle Bart have Ellie and Jack. My Aunt Mary, who divorced my Uncle Rob so I have no idea if he'll be here, has Melany, Emma, Allison and Alaina. Aunt Carrie isn't married either, and she just has Colin. My mom and dad have the most kids out of all of them. And my grandma and grandpa from both sides will come, Audrey and Bill and Sally and John. We're not a huge fan of Grandpa John, my mom's dad. But we kinda have to fake it."

I look at her with wide eyes, and she laughs and starts shoveling again.

"I'll introduce you to everyone later," she says. "It'll be less confusing."

"Do they all have red hair?" I ask.

She rolls her eyes. "No, don't be silly." She's quiet for a second, then a goat whose name I'm hopeless to remember wanders up to me. I scratch it between the ears, and it nibbles on my pajama pants. I try to inconspicuously nudge it away with my foot, but it's relentless. I sigh and give in, letting it chew on what it wants. "What do your family gatherings look like?" April asks.

I shrug. "Me and my mom," I say. "In the past few years, her new husband and his daughter, Maggie. That one girl you got so jealous over."

"Stop…" she groans.

I laugh. "But yeah, it's pretty small and low-key. I don't have a big family. And we don't like holidays that much."

"Well," she says, sighing. "You're gonna see a whole new world today."

She's right. When we get back inside and showered, all of the Kepner sisters are enlisted to work in the kitchen. April is sitting at the dining room table, crafting pie crusts with her fingers, when I get out of the shower and go to find her.

"I wouldn't go in there, if I were you," she says, eyeing the kitchen.

But Alice catches wind of me before I can duck out. "Jackson!" she calls, waving her arm. "Come help me!"

April gives me a look, but I follow the youngest Kepner's voice anyway and go into the kitchen. I don't miss the way her eyes are sparkling as she looks at me, standing there stirring a bowl of what looks like will turn into Jell-O. "Did you like the goats?" she asks.

"Yeah," I say. "They were pretty cool. There were like, a ton of them."

"We love our goats," Karen says pleasantly. "April and Lovey have been attached at the hip since Lovey was born. It's so sweet."

"Yeah, she was telling me that," I say, chuckling. "I'm glad I finally got to see that side of my goat girl."

"Yeah, you saw a side alright," I hear, and look over my shoulder to see Libby come into the kitchen with Liam on her hip. "Morning, everyone."

"Oh, Libby, you're up," Karen says. "Find Nana's banana bread recipe for me, will you? I need you to start on that."

"Sure," Libby says, yawning.

"Are you tired?" Karen asks, looking concerned.

"Yeah," Libby says, and her eyes flash over to me. I look away instantly. "Weird noises this morning kept waking me up."

My face heats up. Luckily, April comes back into the kitchen just in time. "Crusts are done!" she announces. "Libby, I know where Nana's recipe is. In the hallway bureau drawer. Come with me, I'll show you. Morning, Liam!" She pulls her sister out of the kitchen and they start muttering right away, but I stay where I am.

"What was that all about?" Kimmie asks from where she's perched, sitting on the corner of the counter.

"Oh, who knows with those two," Karen says, and adjusts her apron. "Jackson, honey, would you mind checking the oven temperature for me? It's heating up for the turkey, and I'm betting that it's ready by now."

"Sure, Mrs. Kepner," I say, and do as I'm told.

I find that I like helping out in the kitchen. My mom and I never had big dinners at home, and if we did, they were catered. There's something about all of us working together for a final product that we'll all get to enjoy that I really like. It makes me feel like part of a family. There are little spats and arguments throughout the morning, but I don't mind. I kind of like them, actually. The rise and fall of the kitchen noise is soothing and feels like home. My house never feels warm like this, and I'm glad that I'm here for this holiday. I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

"You look happy," April says later, as we're setting up the table. People should start arriving any minute now, and everyone is dressed and ready. She's wearing a purplish-red long-sleeved dress with two oval openings at the collar, and it fits her perfectly. I have on my black dress pants that she insisted I wouldn't need and a light blue button-up shirt.

"I am," I say.

"You're doing a good job, you know," she says. "Keeping up the image and everything. They really believe us."

She walks closer to me and winds her arms around my waist from the side. "Well, Libby definitely believes us," I say, tucking a piece of red hair behind her ear. "Since she walked in on me giving you some amazing he-"

"Shhhh!" April says, green eyes wide. "Don't, don't, don't, don't. The walls have ears here."

I chuckle and kiss her forehead, then the doorbell rings.

"I'll get it!" she calls out, then skips to the door.

When more and more people start filling the house, I spend a lot of time smiling and introducing myself. I meet a bunch of aunts and cousins that I lose track of, and I grab the door when the last person expected finally arrives.

"Hi, I'm Mary," she says, and there's a gaggle of girls behind her. "These are my girls. You must be Jackson, April's new boyfriend?" She giggles to herself. "There's no one else you could possibly be."

"Uh, yeah," I say. "Come on in. Everyone's in the dining room or kitchen, I think. You're the last one to get here."

They all file in and deposit their shoes on the front mat, and I feel their eyes on me. It's not a comfortable feeling at all, but I try to ignore it. I'm new to them. They've never met me before. Of course they're going to stare. But even as they disperse, I still feel Mary's stare, so I make it a mission to go see if anyone needs help in the kitchen.

I'm also on the lookout for April. Her mom's been working her all morning and afternoon, so it's been hard to get her alone, but the work is winding down now. I'm starting to feel a little bit like a loner without her by my side, so finding her would be ideal.

When I walk into the kitchen, I see her. She's talking to Mary by the kitchen island, facing me. The look on her face is set in a straight frown; she doesn't like whatever's being said to her, but she's trying to fake it. The smile that plasters itself on her lips right after tells me that. She nods and clasps her hands together, but lets the smile die as Mary continues to talk. April shakes her head, and I wish I could hear what they were saying. I'm dying to know what's gotten her so upset.

When Mary walks away, April braces one hand on the island and stares down at the floor intensely. I walk up to her, catching her attention at the last moment. "Hey…" I say. "What's up?"

Her eyes flit to me and they look sad. I don't like seeing them that way. "Hey," she says, her voice soft.

"What was she just saying to you?" I ask.

April shakes her head and chews on the inside of her cheek. "Doesn't matter," she says.

But her face is red, and it's not with embarrassment. Something is really bothering her. "Looks like it does," I say.

"I don't… I just don't wanna talk about it, okay?" she says. "I'll handle it. It didn't mean anything. It just… she just… she always says stupid stuff. Like underhanded digs and stuff. I don't even care anymore, when it's about me." She shakes her head again.

"Wait, did she say something about you?" I ask.

She sighs. "No," she says.

"About me?"

Her silence tells me everything.

"What did she say?"

Defeated, she pulls me by the wrist to a quiet nook. "She looked me in the eyes with a smile on her face and said that she didn't know I liked black guys." April's eyes glaze over with tears. "She asked me if I've seen that 'Get Out' movie, and that this whole gathering reminded her of that." She clenches her fists at her sides and her blush grows. "I didn't even know what to say. I want to say something! But I don't know what to say!" She tosses her hair out of her face. "She can't just say those things about you. I… I won't let her. I'm gonna say something."

My gut twists. "Leave it," I say calmly.

She looks up at me, her eyes even glassier. "What?" she snaps. "No. I can't."

"I want you to," I say. "She's not worth it."

"I-"

"April, no," I say. "Let it go."

She wets her lips and looks at me defiantly, but doesn't argue anymore.

"Time for dinner, everyone!" Karen calls, just in the nick of time.

We all sit down around the long table, and I'm between April and Alice. I grasp their hands for the prayer, ducking my head without closing my eyes, and April squeezes my fingers.

When it's over, everyone digs in. I've never seen so much homemade food in one place in my life, and I fill up my plate. "I hope everyone's had a chance to meet Jackson," Karen says, interrupting the sound of silverware against plates. There's a murmur of assent, then side conversations start.

About halfway through dinner, I feel Mary's eyes on me once again. I told April to leave it, but that doesn't mean that I have to. "So, Mary," I say, my voice low-key enough so the table's attention isn't caught. "What do you do?"

She looks at me pleasantly, her fork and knife in hand even though almost none of the food on her plate has been touched. "Nice of you to ask," she says. "I'm a substitute teacher. And a yoga instructor."

"Impressive," I say, raising my eyebrows. "Almost as impressive as my mother simultaneously single-handedly raising me and maintaining a medical dynasty."

She blinks hard. I'm not sure if she put it together that April told me what she said or not, but either way, she's knocked down a peg. "That's… amazing," she says. "What's your mother's name?"

"Catherine Avery," I say.

"As in… the Avery Foundation?" someone else asks at the table. It's a man, I think Uncle Bart.

"That's us," I say. I'm not trying to brag, but I feel a persistent need to prove myself to these people, though I know I shouldn't feel that way. I liked it better when it was just April's immediate family, not all of these extras. Now, I feel too put on the spot.

April takes my wrist. "Jackson is gonna be a doctor. He's studying pre-med at DePaul."

"Wow," Aunt Cathy says. "That's really cool, Jackson."

"He's going to be the head of his foundation someday," April continues, looking up at me and beaming. "Isn't that amazing?"

I smile, saying, "Stop it, babe."

"You're making him blush!" Kimmie says, giggling.

"Duckie, leave him alone," Alice says, and Libby agrees with her. We barely hear, though, we're too busy staring into each other's eyes and smiling like idiots. Suddenly, it feels like no one else is at the table, and we're all alone. She leans over and gives me a chaste kiss on the cheek, and I lean into it. The people who are still watching us, which are basically only her sisters, titter over it, but I don't care. All that matters is that I'm here with her, and she's here with me. Nobody else counts.

After dinner is over, I stay in the kitchen with April, her mom, and her sisters to help clean up, even though the rest of the men are in the living room watching the game.

"Jackson, you really don't have to stay in here with us if you don't want to," Karen says. "The rest of the guys are all watching football. Don't let us trap you."

"No," I say, drying a wet dish that April handed to me. "I like being in here."

Karen gives April a positive look, and I pretend not to see. "I wish I heard more of that from your father," she says. "You're a good man, Charlie Brown." With a smile, she pats me on the shoulder.

"She loves to say that," April says, giggling as she scrubs a plate. As Karen walks out of earshot, she continues with, "I'm glad you said what you did to Aunt Mary at dinner. You could've said more, you could've called her out, too, you know. For what she said."

I shake my head. "I wasn't gonna cause a scene. I just wanted to let her know who I am, where I come from. She's not gonna reduce me to… I don't even know. She's just not gonna reduce me to anything."

"No, she's not," April says, and checks behind us to make sure no one's looking before standing up her tiptoes and puckering her lips. I give her a quick kiss, and she lowers back down with a grin. "Because you're amazing."

"As long as you think so," I say.

"I know so," she says.

"Ew, can you two get a room, please?" Libby says, walking in with more dirty plates. Her face is mischievous, and a blush instantly blooms on April's face. "Or at least wait until later?"

"Libby, stop," April says between her teeth. Luckily, the kitchen is empty save for the three of us right now, but still. It's dangerous.

"Oh, shush, Duckie. I'm not gonna say anything," Libby tells us. "I told you that earlier, so stop freaking. I just like to get under your skin."

"Well, it's working," April says.

"At least one of us is getting some good sex around here," Libby says, eyebrows raised. "Go you. But you need to keep it down, I swear. You're louder than you think."

"I did say that," I chime in.

"I swear I'm about to die," April says, pressing her hands to her fire-engine cheeks.

"I'm just trying to help you," Libby says. "Put a pillow over your face or something, because if Mom or Dad wakes up and hears that-"

"I know," April says, hands braced on the countertop. "I know, I know, I know. Can we stop talking about this now? I really want to be done talking about this."

Libby laughs. "Fine. But use those condoms. You don't wanna end up like me."

"Okay," April says, still blushing.

"I'll leave you alone now," Libby says, setting the dishes down.

We finish cleaning up the kitchen and the family sticks around for a while longer, but not past dark. When the sun goes down, everyone starts leaving and once they all do, the Kepner family that I actually like gathers in the living room with leftover pie and ice cream.

"Aunt Mary was awful today, mom," April says, starting right in. "I didn't even wanna bring it back up, but I have to tell you. She was being racist towards Jackson."

Karen's eyes widen and Joe sits forward in his chair. "What?" they both say, in unison.

"It was why I said that thing at dinner," I say, explaining. "I didn't wanna make it a big thing. It really doesn't matter."

"It does matter," Karen says. "You're here with us for the holiday, that means you're part of this family."

"And even more," Joe says. "That's wrong in general. Even if you were a stranger on the street. Those things are not acceptable."

Karen pinches her lips and shakes her head. "I don't want details. I don't need them. But I will be giving her a call."

It feels good, to have these people who hardly know me, stand up for me like this against their own flesh. I hadn't expected it. I expected it to be brushed under the rug or glossed over, but it's not. It's an issue, and they're going to take care of it. That's what a family does, and they've accepted me as part of theirs after just a couple days. It's kind of an amazing feeling.

After everyone goes to bed that night, April sneaks into my room as quiet as a mouse. She's so quiet, that if the door hadn't clicked open, I would've never realized that she came inside.

"Hey," she whispers. "Get up. You have to come see the stars."

"The stars?" I ask, sitting up halfway on the hard mattress.

"Yeah," she says, and I notice that she's wearing a blue coat and slippers over her pajamas. "We can't even see them in Chicago, but they're amazing here. I want to show you."

"Well, okay," I say. I find my shoes and a coat, and we slip out into the night through the back screen door that doesn't latch.

We don't have to whisper now that we're outside, but we still don't talk at full volume. "I'll show you the ravine where I got my scar, behind the barn," she says, linking her fingers with mine. She leads the way, our feet rustling in the grass as we go, and I smile at the shock of her auburn hair standing out against the dark night. It's darker here than it ever is in the city - either Boston or Chicago. It's a nighttime I've never seen before, and I'm happy that April is showing me.

"Right here," she says, and I peer down the long slope that leads to a creek below. "Careful, don't slip." She holds tighter on my wrist. "We used to play down there every day. And after it happened, Libby had to carry me up this huge hill. It was so bad."

"Blood all over," I add.

"Right," she says, giggling.

"Let me see it," I say, wrapping my arms around her from behind and pulling up the hem of her shirt. I run my thumb over the raised ridges of it, and she rests her hands over mine.

"You like it so much," she says. "You're so funny."

I kiss the side of her head and she leans against me. "It feels good here," I say.

"Outside?" she says. "With your hands on me? Yeah, it does feel good."

"No," I say, into her hair. "Well, yeah. But I mean, here. Like here, in Ohio. I like it."

"Really?" she asks, sounding genuinely surprised. "I didn't think you would."

"I do," I say.

"My crazy family doesn't scare you?"

I shake my head and drop my lips to her shoulder, even though I run into her puffy coat. "I like them," I say. "Not like, the whole big everybody. But everyone who's inside right now, yeah. They're cool."

She makes an affirmative sound. "That makes me happy," she says. "They like you, too. And I like you being here. It's kinda funny and weird, you standing here with me. Like, I was little here. I grew up here. I was such a different person before…" She pauses. "You. And school. And everything. And now, you're back at home with me. It's like two worlds joining together, I don't know. It sounds cheesy, it probably doesn't make any sense."

"No, it makes sense," I say.

She reaches around and holds the side of my face with one hand, then lifts her gaze to the sky. "Look up," she says.

I follow her eyes. When I look, I see what must be millions of twinkling stars, all shining brighter than I've ever seen against a midnight blue sky. "Whoa," I say.

"I know," she whispers. "Have you ever seen anything like it in your life?"

I glance over at her, marveling at the way her eyes are shining with amazement. "I haven't," I say, smirking as I look back up. "I'm so glad I'm here with you," I whisper.

She looks from the stars to my eyes, and hers are glistening with tears for reasons I don't know. She's wearing a much different expression than earlier, though, when the tears were angry. Now, they seem melancholy. I don't know why she'd be sad, though.

"I want to show you the loft," she says softly, taking my hand. I follow her lead and she slides open the big doors of the barn, which make a loud noise that disrupts the silence of the night. The animals don't wake up though, at least not enough, as we slip inside and shut them behind us.

"It's just up this ladder," she says. "Watch your head."

She goes up first, and I see her disappear into a trap-door like hole in the ceiling. I go next, taking the ladder rungs slowly so I don't fall, and see that there's a room up here with a pointed ceiling that must be the roof of the barn. There are hay bales stacked along the walls and loose hay in the middle, and she's sitting on a nest of it.

"I used to come up here to be alone," she says, looking around.

"It's big," I say.

"I know," she says. "And the hay is softer than you think. Come sit."

I sit down next to her and she reclines on my lap, her back against my chest and our legs stretched out two different ways. She's playing with a piece of straw, tearing it apart strip by strip, and staring down at it without saying anything.

"I don't think I want to go back," she says, chuckling once. "I like it so much better here. Like you said."

"It's hard, being away from home," I say.

She nods, still watching her fingers. "I miss them a lot," she says. "I didn't really realize it until I got back here, just how much." She turns her head so she can see me. "Don't you miss home, too?"

I shrug. "It doesn't mean as much to me as it does to you," I say. "And anyway, for me… I don't know. Home has more to do with a person than a place."

I don't realize the gravity of my words until after I've said them, and I don't know if she does at all. I don't want to take them back. I want her to know what I mean. That person is her. When I'm with her, it feels like I'm home. No matter if we're in Chicago, Ohio, or freaking Timbuktu. I want to be with her.

"I get that," she whispers, then lays down on her back. I watch her from where I'm still sitting, and she traces the muscles of my forearm with her pointer finger before lifting her eyes up to meet mine. "I wanna kiss you really bad," she says, laughing at herself.

"Should've just said so, then," I say, and lay back on the hay to join her. I rest on top of her and open my lips against hers, and she situates under me. "Are you uncomfortable?" I ask.

"No," she says. "I'm good."

I run my hand down her side to rest it on her hip, and move my lips to what I can reach of her neck. She hugs me close, then rolls over onto her side, which pushes me onto mine, too. We're face-to-face, nose-to-nose, actually, and she's running the backs of her fingers down my cheek as she studies me.

"What?" I say, my voice nearly inaudible.

She takes in a shaky breath, eyes darting all over my face. "You know how, in life… you… you meet like, thousands of people. So many people. And none of them really, I don't know. Touch you." She blinks slowly, her eyes glistening again. "But then you meet one person. And your life is changed forever."

My heart is beating so fast. It's obvious that she's talking about me, but I had no idea she felt this way. Is this her way of saying that she has feelings for me, too? I wish she'd put it in simpler terms. I don't want to assume anything and be wrong and ruin the friendship that we've made. That would be awful.

"I know what you mean," I say, even though I really don't. I just want her to know that I feel the same way, but I don't know how to tell her. Everything seems so complicated. I just want to be with her. Be with her for real, without any fake pretenses. I want to be her boyfriend, I just want her. But I don't know if she wants me that bad, or if at all. Even after what she just said. She could've been speaking generally, I don't know. I don't know anything.

All I know is that her lips are close to mine and I need to kiss her, so I do. It's slow and intimate, like we're trying to memorize each other through the way our mouths are moving. I bury my hand in her hair and pull her head closer, and she whimpers softly because of it.

She pulls back slowly, taking my lower lip with her until it pops back into place. As she traces her thumb over my eyebrow, she whispers, "I want you."

"Yeah?" I say. "Right here?"

She nods, biting her lip.

"But Libby's condoms," I say. "They're in the house."

She shakes her head slightly, digging in her coat pocket before coming out with a golden-wrapped foil package. "I thought ahead," she says.

I smile and laugh a little bit. "You planned this?" I ask.

"I hoped," she replies, handing it to me so she can shimmy out of her pajama pants. "Brr," she says, hugging herself. "Cold."

"I'll fix that," I say, shedding my jacket and pressing my body down onto hers. I kiss her again, and she pushes her tongue inside my mouth with a sigh, wrapping one bare leg around mine to yank me even closer.

"I don't wanna wait," she says, so I pull away and strip down, not wasting any time in putting the condom on.

I hold onto her hips when I push inside her, my fingers digging into her soft skin. When I thrust for the first time, I can see her breasts bounce under her pajama top, and I want nothing more than to really see them, but I don't want her to get cold. I bend at the waist and kiss the part of her belly that's showing, and she rakes her fingernails down the back of my scalp.

She arches her neck and moans softly, and I can't stop thinking about the way her skin looks in the light shining in from the moon. I don't usually ever think about stuff like that, but with her it's different. I notice every little thing about her.

I start moving my hips faster, pushing into her deeper, and she opens her mouth wide as she loses her breath. She takes one of my hands that's braced by her head and sucks on my thumb, biting down hard on it as I hit that spot inside her over and over again. She runs her hand up my arm and holds on tight to my bicep, and lifts her hips to meet mine blow-for-blow.

"Oh, my god," she moans, bending her arms to cover her eyes with her elbows. "Right there, I swear it's right there. Please, please, please, oh my god, right there!"

She grits her teeth and lets out a long stream of air from between them, tightening her legs on either side of my hips.

"You go first," she insist, hips squirming. "I wanna feel you come. It'll make me… you go first, Jackson, god, please."

It doesn't take much more than her words to push me over the edge. My hips start bucking erratically and I let loose inside her, dropping my head to rest in the crook of her neck as she has her own orgasm just following mine. She breathes heavily, clutching at my back as her body twitches underneath me, and lets out a long moan as it dissipates.

"I want you to know," she says, barely able to catch her breath. "That no one else… will ever make me feel like that." She shakes her head, solidifying the statement. "Only you." She drags her fingernails down my back as far as she can reach, and I open my mouth on her throat. "Only you."