This Awful Energy

Summary: It was simple: he was shrouded in darkness, and she in light. But when she discovers who she truly is, a new legacy is thrust upon her. Can Rey cope with the truth of her own past?

Author's Note: Hey all you lovelies out there! I told you I would be back with another chapter today! I just want to note that part of this fic is going to be drawing from Star Wars Legends as well as the new canon. That being said, some Legends characters or groups were mentioned in the prologue. If you spotted them, let me know! Or, if you want to, go down the rabbit hole that is Wookiepedia and find out.

I also just want to thank Sheena Kushiashi for the review. I know I've said this before but your reviews really are what keep me going (especially through those horrible bouts of writer's block). So please let me know what you think! Your interest serves as my inspiration. Or, if you totally hate it, let me know why (but please do it nicely!) I am always trying to learn new things and improve. Also, special shout out to holepsi (holespsi . tumblr. com) for letting me use her amazing artwork as a cover image.

I also wanted to address something I said at the beginning of the prologue: this fic may get dark. When I say that, I mean were are going to get into people's heads a lot and those thoughts may not be pretty. If you want some more insight, look into the song that I borrowed inspiration from for this: Halsey's Control. I did not in any way shape or form mean that there would be self-harm, Stockholm Syndrome, or any sort of physical abuse. I hope that this clears it up for everyone!

Chapter One: Lost in Anger

35 A.B.Y.

The dense greenery on the rocky Ahch-To was something that Rey would never get used to. After all, having spent most of her life in the sandy wasteland of Jakku, the constant foliage was entirely foreign to her. The desert planet where she had spent the vast majority of her life was becoming more and more of a distant memory, an unpleasantly long chapter in her life that she now more than happy to turn the page from. This new planet, with its rocky hills and abundance of raw power, was becoming to feel more like home to her with every passing day. After all, having spent the last eight months training at the spot of the oldest Jedi temple in the galaxy, Rey finally felt as if she belonged somewhere.

She was meant to be there.

Dipping her toes in the cool blue water that surrounded the island she was camped on, Rey slowly waded until she was waist deep and could easily start swimming. The planet consisted of a series of nearby island clusters, and she was determined to explore each of them during her time on the planet. Her master was more than happy to encourage her hobby, calling it an excellent exercise in discipline. It was true, getting to each island was no easy task – swimming long distances took both its mental and physical tolls on her. But Rey was glad to be able to explore the lush green world.

And in doing so, she had found her favorite spot.

A small island not too far from their main camp was the least rocky and most verdant of them all. A stony beach guarded the tall treats of the largest forest Rey had ever seen. She could easily spend hours wandering around the abundant woodlands. While the highest peak on the hillside of Luke's camp was indeed the most powerful spot on Ahch-To to meditate, her secluded forest enclosure was her own personal favorite.

Swimming to her favorite island was no longer a chore, as she found her excitement propelled her in the water. She glided through the waves with ease; her swimming skills had improved greatly from her first day of training. And as she reached the coast, she eagerly made her way to the center of the forest. As soon as her feet hit the forest floor, she felt instantaneously soothed by the trees that towered over her. Lowering herself into a comfortable position under a welcoming sapling, she closed her eyes.

Master Luke instructed his young padawan to meditate in an attempt to clear her mind. She was far too irrational, he noted, and lacked self-control. His words had hit her like a blow to the gut, but she was not one to argue with the Jedi Master.

And so she was to do as he instructed.

The greenery that enveloped Rey so warmly slowly pulled away from her until it had disappeared entirely. The sounds of the forest faded until there was nothing left. She was no one, and she was surrounded by nothing. And yet, everything – the entire galaxy - was at her finger tips. She could feel an electric pulse in her fingers, radiating through to her bones. She could feel the raw power of the island coursing through her veins. But she paid the galaxy no mind.

She was empty, free of the worries and fears that plagued her since she first left Jakku.

She was powerful, her skills with the Force growing stronger every day.

She was alone.

Until she wasn't.

The tiniest of ripples disturbed her serenity, alerting her to the fact that she was no longer alone in her meditation. Her breath quickened from its even pace, and she felt her shoulders tense in her trance-like state. And it was then that she feel the presence that loomed over her and caused her distress.

"Don't be afraid. I feel it to." The string of words echoed across her mind in the faintest of whispers. They had come from everywhere and nowhere at once. Rey's gut restricted and contorted itself into a knot as she processed the meaning of the words, and who had spoken them.

No, it couldn't be.

Rey's eyes sprang open, breaking her from the calming meditative trance. Her breathing was heavy, as if she had swam for miles. Running her fingers through her hair, Rey wondered how in the world Kylo Ren could have made his way in to her mind. Master Luke had told her how to keep him out, how to prevent him from fully reaching her. She could still sense him, his presence, from time to time. But she had been able to keep him, his voice, out of her head.

It had been a full two months since she heard Kylo Ren's voice.

Rey sighed, kicking the dirt beneath her in frustration. Looking up at her surroundings, she noticed that Ahch-To's sun was sinking low into the sky and darkness was beginning to envelop the forest. She frowned; it had been about midday when she reached the island itself. Having lost herself in meditation before, the shock had been nothing new to her. But she often felt relaxed and at peace after her sessions. But the only feelings that lingered now were agitation and unease.

Slowly, she made her way from the peaceful forest to the rocky beaches on her tiny island. In the dim light, she could just make out the island that she and Luke resided on. Swallowing hard, she waded into the water before swimming at full force, wanting to reach their campsite before sundown. She did not need the sunlight; she could easily find her way home – it was like instinct to her now. But that night she simply did not possess the energy it would take to use all of her senses and find her way back under the cover of night.

Kylo Ren had stolen that from her.

After a swim that felt like an eternity, Rey finally reached the island that Luke Skywalker called home for more than a decade. It was quickly becoming her home too, and she could easily have remained on Ahch-To for the rest of her life. But a gnawing feeling deep inside of her gut told her that something – or someone – was going to make sure that it did not happen. As she wearily trudged up the rocky cliffs, her mind wandered back to her vision. Or rather, her lack of one.

Kylo Ren was the figure that haunted her dreams since that first evening on Starkiller Base. Before she had advanced in her training, she would see him almost every single night in her dreams. He would call to her, making promises that tempted her so. He promised her power, he promised her a purpose. Months later, his words still echoed in her mind. I will help you find who you are looking for.

Even now, his words echoed in her head, tempting her. Rey shook her head, hoping to banish the unwelcome thought. A surge of anger boiled up inside of her – anger directed towards herself. You should not have let him get inside your head, she chastised herself as she finally reached the dilapidated hut that she and Master Luke called home. Her anger had not yet dissipated when she reached the tiny structure. Perhaps her master was right. Perhaps she did need more self-control.

She bristled at the thought that he could be right about that.

As she walked in, she could see her master stirring an odorless gray mush over the hearth. Before he could notice her expression, her face wrinkled up at the thought of eating it. Her stomach, however, disagreed as it let out a vicious groan of hunger. Her master did not turn around as he addressed her, "Did you have a long and trying day?"

Rey collapsed onto a makeshift bed that had been assembled for her in the corner of the hut, "You could say that, Master."

Out of the corner of her eye, Rey watched as Luke scooped a small wooden bowl into the pot of mush, filling it. He handed it to her, and she took it greedily. Rey was well aware that her master was eyeing her as she wolfed downed the meal – but she did not care. She was hungry, and never before had to worry about what others thought of her eating habits. But the staring did not stop once she had finished licking the contents of the wooden bowl clean; Rey shifted on her mattress uncomfortably.

"You felt him again, didn't you?"

The words echoed for a moment, hanging mercilessly in the stale night air of Ahch-To. Rey swallowed, but nodded. There was no use in lying to her master – he would know the truth anyway.

"Today was the first – the first day in a long time that I heard his voice." Rey stumbled over her words, unsure if she could clearly articulate what she had been feeling, "But there are other times when I – I can feel him. I know when he's angry, I can feel it deep in my bones. I can feel it when he is elated, when something goes right for him."

"What do you mean?" Her master was staring at her more intently than he ever had before. Rey shifted uncomfortably under his gaze.

"It is as if he never truly goes away," Rey shook her head, disgusted with herself, "Ever since he tried to get inside my head. I can feel him sometimes – not speak to him, but feel his emotions. No matter what I do – even with what you taught me, I cannot seem to prevent it."

Luke Skywalker blinked slowly, his lips pursed together – a sure sign of his deep thought. The two sat in silence for what felt to Rey like an eternity. But finally, her master spoke up, "Have you ever heard of the term 'force-bond'?"

Rey shook her head; her experience learning the less practical knowledge of the Jedi had been somewhat lacking. Her master seemed to sense this, and nodded before continuing, "A force-bond is a connection between two Force-sensitive beings. Everything you have just described to me are symptoms of such a bond."

Rey's mouth fell open, she could not help but feel absolutely horrified by the words. How could she be possibly connected to the horrible creature who had brutally murdered his own father? A knot twisted deep in the pit of her stomach at the mere thought of it. But at the same time, every cell in her body felt her master's words to be true. She was connected to Kylo Ren somehow. Rey hesitated for a moment, "If this is true, what – hat can I do to stop it?"

There was no mistaking the look of pity etched onto Luke Skywalker's face, "To sever a force-bond, no matter how undesired it may be, would cause irreparable damage to both you and him. You would have to turn away entirely from the Force – from who you are."

The knot in Rey's stomach twisted even tighter at the thought of what she had to do. Using the Force, training and seeing her power grow finally gave her a sense of purpose in her life. Could she really turn away from all of that? Luke seemed to sense her thoughts as he quickly added, "To be bonded to someone is not a light matter. It is a part of you, and will remain so. But it does not have to control you. You can control it."

"How?" Her words came out as a dry croak.

Luke Skywalker eyed his padawan carefully, "It will take more than physical strength. To control this bond, to make sure he does not hold sway over or tempt you, you will have to train your thoughts and emotions. Already you are too impulsive – control over your thoughts and emotions will mean that he does not have access to them."

Rey nodded, already having been chided by her master for a lack of self-control. Her impulsiveness and anger felt natural to her, a trait that could never be fully suppressed. Idly, Rey thought to her parents and wondered if she had perhaps inherited their temperament. But she would never know, and could only seek to control it now. Her master seemed to notice that her thoughts drifted, because he looked at her harshly, "While it is not ideal that you and he share such a connection, perhaps, if you master your own self-control, it is something that could be used for both yours and the Resistance's benefit."

Without another word, her master turned to leave his padawan with her thoughts. Rey's emotions were running high as she thought of everything that her master relayed to. She could not doubt that she was connected in some way to Kylo Ren. But she had to wonder if that connection could even be considered a good thing.

She was still thinking about him as she closed her eyes and drifted off in to sleep.

When her eyes opened, the planet was engulfed in complete darkness. Rey could not make out the foliage that was mere feet in front of her. Even the natural light of the planet's moon was shrowded by impenetrable darkness. She frowned as she realized then that something sinister clouded the air. She could not place her finger on it, however. But something was different. Something was horribly wrong. It took her a moment for the realization to hit her: she was no longer on Ahch-To. The planet that had been home to the first Jedi Temple gave her the exact opposite feeling as this one did.

And yet, she could sense something almost familiar about this strange new world.

She walked along the path laid out before her on this strange planet, unsure of where it would lead her. But there was something, something that she could not place, that told her she had been to this planet before. No, she chided herself, you are just dreaming.

But Rey didn't know if she could just dream anymore.

In the distance, as her eyes adjusted to the darkness of the planet, Rey could just make out what appeared to be the ruins of a once great temple. Almost as if by her own instinct, her feet began to carry her in the direction of the building. It brought a sense of comfort to her, almost as if she had been meant to be there from the beginning. She frowned at the thought, wondering how she could feel so at peace on such a sinister planet. As she continued walking, she took in all the sights and sounds of the planet. Small insects could be heard making strange noises in the distance, providing a beautiful symphony as she explored.

Rey must have walked two miles before she found it. In the darkness, she could see the remnants of some makeshift settlement. Fabric hung from tree tops, and the remains of an old fire pit directed her to the center of the settlement. Rey swallowed hard as she closely examined what lay before her. Every day tools for cooking and cleaning were scattered all over. A small droid, rusted and nonfunctioning from years of disuse lay slumped against a tree trunk. Rey's heart tugged as she thought of who could possibly live in such a place.

Out of the corner of her eye, she could see the outline of a small human-like figurine. Something pulled her towards the tiny doll, and as she scooped it up into her hand she brought it straight to her chest. In doing so she could not help but feel an odd sense of comfort at the action. The feeling disturbed her slightly, but she did not have time to dwell on it. Immediately, she could feel something – someone – approaching her spot at the camp site.

How Rey had not felt his presence on the planet earlier, she did not know. The planet was so shrouded in darkness that it masked his own until he was right upon her. When she finally looked up to face him, it surprised her that she could clearly see his features without the absence of any light. The hook in his nose, the dark flowing mane of hair, the scar that she had given him. He stood before her now, there was no denying it. Rey took a step back from him, the fear in her rising up as she dropped the doll where she stood. What could he be possibly be doing on this planet? Did he feel the same connection to it that she did? The questions were swirling around in her head, and it was enough to make her completely dizzy.

"You need a teacher," The words came from his lips as a whisper, but they seemed to echo across the campsite. The sound sent chills reverberating through Rey's spine as she struggled to move away from him even further. But all of her attempts were futile – as she attempted to lift her legs to retreat, she wobbled as she noticed they were firmly planted on the ground. She lifted her legs again in another attempt, and it took all her strength not to fall backward when she failed miserably at moving. It was almost as though her own legs did not want her to move. She was physically stuck at that exact spot, and Kylo Ren took yet another step closer.

Rey fervently shook her head at his words, beads of sweat forming on her forehead as she struggled to free herself, "I do not need you."

He took a step closer, reaching out his ungloved hand toward her. Rey turned her cheek, refusing to look at the haunting creature before her. She struggled once more as he moved even closer. But it did not matter, his hand grazed upon her cheek. Her pale cheek grew hot underneath his touch, and she flinched away from him. Her teeth grinded together as she hissed, "Stop."

His hand retreated almost instantaneously as she repeated the words, "I do not need you."

When she looked up again, he was gone.

Almost immediately, she could feel his absence all around. Except under her still flushed cheek; she reached up to touch the spot where his own hand grazed. She pulled away almost instantaneously, as if the touch had burned her. Her hands clenched in tight fists – how could she have let him affect her so?

Rey opened her eyes, greeted by the bright sunlight and chirping birds of Ahch-To. It took her more than a few moments to register where she was and that she was no longer trapped in her dream. Her brow furrowed as she tried to make sense of the events that unfolded as she slept. It was the first time in a long while that she had physically seen Kylo Ren. Now aware of the bond between the two of them, she was still disgusted but no longer shocked. But the part that confused her the most was the planet.

What was that place?

Why did it seem so eerily familiar to her?

Rey swallowed, contemplating if she should tell her master about her vision. Of course, Luke Skywalker would know what to do, tell her how to begin to make sense of such a situation. She bit her lip; her master would also chide her for not maintaining control of herself and her own emotions. It made her susceptible to manipulation, he often said. He would say no different now and chastise her for being so easily manipulated by the enemy.

He was better off not knowing.

She would have to continue about her day as though no vision had appeared to her the night before. She stood up from the makeshift mattress, swinging her body until her lower back grudgingly cracked from the movement. It was not the most comfortable of bedding, but it taught her humility and submission.

Or so she had been told by her master.

Without another thought, Rey grabbed an Almarkian apple from the basket her master kept on the window and went off to begin her day's training. As she walked to the spot she met Luke Skywalker daily, she had to assume that he would train her harder than he ever had in the past, based off of their conversation the previous night.

And Rey was right. When she found Luke Skywalker waiting on the makeshift training grounds for her, she could see the intensity and determination in his eyes. She had never seen the older man so intense; it momentarily disarmed her. So much so that she barely noticed him throwing the practice staff to her; she caught it just before it would have hit her square in the jaw. Her eyes widened at the intensity of the practice so early in the morning, but she dared not question her master. Fixing her posture into a defensive stance, she prepared herself for her master to attack her. But the attack never came; Luke Skywalker mirrored her own defensive posture and waiting for her to move onto the offensive. Rey happily obliged, bringing the weighted training staff up over her head as she charged at him.

He maneuvered around her attack with unparalleled grace, bringing his own staff up to meet hers. The impact of the two weapons colliding was enough to make her muscles ache. Rey let out a small grunt as she pushed him away with full force; he stumbled backward momentarily to regain his footing, leaving Rey the opportunity to bring her staff down on him again. She swung her weapon, this time below his knees. She had hoped to get him on the ground, overpowering him for good. But he sensed her movements and was able to jump high over her swinging weapon as she unleashed it on him.

Her brow furrowed as she contemplated her next move. If she attacked once again from the front, her master would call her predictable. But she had not yet mastered propelling herself into the air – something she would need to do for a successful airborne attack. In the moments that Rey was devising her plan, she had only just barely noticed the gray haired Jedi lunging toward her and bringing his weapon with him. She had been too distracted to notice him there, and it was too late for her to make any decisive defensive moves. She could feel the fea

And so she did the only thing she could think of.

Closing her eyes and positioning her hands square in front of her chest, Rey blocked him from coming anywhere near her. She waited for the impact of his staff, but it never came. Rey opened her eyes to see Luke paused in the air before her, as if frozen by a shield. Her mouth dropped open as she saw it, breaking her concentration.

Luke Skywalker moved freely at that point, retreating a few steps backwards as he regained his composure. He eyed Rey curiously for a moment; she nervously shifted under his scrutinizing gaze. He tilted his head as he regarded her carefully, "I have never seen you do that before, Rey."

She swallowed, unsure if she wanted to meet his gaze with her own, "I – I have never done that before. The idea of trying it just came to me – and I was able to do it."

He pursed his lips together, waiting momentarily before responding, "You have shown a great amount of skill here, Rey. But I would like to see you learn how to control it. Master it, do not let it be the master of you."

Rey nodded, her cheeks flushing under the admonishment.

"I would like to see you repeat the skill," Luke Skywalker continued, as he gathered his staff from its discarded position on the floor. "Repeat it until you can do it on command each time."

Her brow furrowed in indignation at her master's words; she had been able to complete the skill at the height of her emotions. Perhaps total control was not what she needed. But she nodded and regained her composure; she did not dare argue with him over such matters. When her master charged at her, she was ready. She dipped and swung with such grace in order to deflect his swings at her. She retaliated against him with full force, using all of the strength in her throbbing arms in a vain attempt to disarm him. Every instinct in her body was telling her to lash out at him, punish him for criticizing her abilities. But she did as Luke Skywalker instructed, keeping her temper level as she fought back.

When he lunged at her one final time, she attempted to block him – this time with her mind. As he came barreling toward her, she imagined the same shield around her, protecting her from her assailant.

And Luke's weapon came hard down on her anyway, hitting her hard right in the shoulder. Rey let out a yelp of pain as she clutched the point of impact. There was no doubt the throbbing spot on her shoulder would leave a dark bruise. She shot him an indignant look as she rubbed it gently. Her master, however, looked down at his young padawan calmly, "You were rash, undisciplined in your movements."

"I was trying to keep myself controlled," Rey hissed through the pain of her throbbing shoulder. "My emotions – my fear of being attacked – are what keep me going. They are what give me my skill. I'm no good without them."

"That is not the way of the Jedi," Luke shook his head, looking sadly at his trainee, "There is no emotion, there is peace. There is no ignorance, there is knowledge. There is no passion, there is-"

"Serenity," Rey snapped, "I know the code well enough – you won't let me forget it. But I'm stronger when I use my emotions, when I let them in. Using them is how I can do things."

"It is not the Jedi way," Luke repeated, keeping his eyes locked on her.

"Well maybe," Rey hissed through her gritted teeth, unable to mask her seething tone, "The way of the Jedi is wrong. It's no wonder there aren't any of them left."

As soon as the words slipped out of her mouth, Rey instantly regretted them. While she had not been told the full history of Luke's Jedi Academy, she could put together the pieces that she did know. The look etched upon her mentor's face stung Rey worse than any blaster shot. "I-I am so sorry. I did not mean that,"

A small sigh escaped her mentor, as he walked towards a small patch of rocks that overlooked the cliff's edge. With a wave of his hand, he motioned for his padawan to follow him. As she positioned herself on the rock next to Luke, Rey could feel the shame bubbling up inside of her. Would he yell at her? Would he decide to stop training her? Luke Skywalker inhaled sharply before setting his eyes on Rey, "I was around the same age as you are now when the great Master Yoda continued my training on Degobah. I, too, grew frustrated when I did not take to a task so easily, or was forced to do things differently."

Rey regarded her master, trying to imagine him as the fabled young Rebellion pilot who used the Force to take down the Galactic Empire. She struggled to picture him as rash and impulsive.

"It may take years, sometimes even decades, for someone to master the art of serenity in the face of conflict, to use peace instead of anger as fuel."

Rey was silent for a moment, considering his words. She swallowed, unsure of herself as she finally spoke up, "Is that why the Jedi of the past began training at such a young age?"

Luke nodded but did not meet Rey's inquisitive gaze, "The younger that a child is when they begin their training, the easier it is to quell those thoughts and feelings of anger. The older a padawan is when they begin – those seeds have already been planted." The legendary Jedi looked out at the water sadly, as if there was something greater on his mind.

He must be thinking about his former padawan, Rey told herself. She looked up to Luke, "Is that what happened? To Kylo Ren?"

He inhaled, taking a long pause before answering her question. "My padawan was young when he began to train with me. The Dark Side can tempt everyone – young and old alike."

Is that what you are worried about with me? Rey thought, but she dared not ask the question out loud. A gnawing feeling at the very bottom of her stomach made her unsure if she wanted to know his true answer to that question. Luke stood up from his position overlooking the cliff face, retreating back into the tranquility of his hut and leaving Rey alone with her thoughts.

Whether Rey liked it or not, she was bonded to Kylo Ren. She could feel his own emotions and project her own on to him. She had a connection with him that could never truly be severed. Rey swallowed; would that make her more likely to join the Dark Side? She shook her head, trying to banish the thought entirely from her mind. After all, she had been tempted by the Dark Side on Starkiller Base and won.

Had she not?

Author's Note: Okay, so here is the first official chapter. Please please please let me know what you think of this! As I said, I'm really excited about where this is going but I don't know if I should continue. Please review and let me know!