This Awful Energy
Summary: It was simple: he was shrouded in darkness, and she in light. But when she discovers who she truly is, a new legacy is thrust upon her. Can Rey cope with the truth of her own past?
Author's Note: Thank you all for the amazing feedback everyone! I'm super excited for this story and I'm glad that you all feel the same about it. I do apologize for not updating sooner. But school has started, and between lesson plans, grading and supervising the Key Club, I have barely had time for the boyfriend and writing. But I have definitely not given up on any of my stories.
That being said, I am not going to update This Awful Energy until I finish Balance. I have one chapter to go, and if you read that s well – don't worry, I don't plan on leaving you hanging!
As a note, the song Rey sings does not belong to me. It is adapted from J.R.R. Tolkien's Song of New Hope. Yes, I do see the irony there.
Chapter Two: The Path to the Dark Side
Rey chewed her bottom lip thoughtfully as she gazed out to all of the wondrous green and blue beauty that Ahch-To had to offer. The sun was barely rising in the sky and the cool morning air gently kissed her cheeks. It truly was a magical place, and her connection to the power that ran deep beneath the trees and sandy beaches continued to grow with each passing day. She drew her strength from the series of islands that had helped generations of Jedi before her. But yet, it was still not enough. Rey's shoulders collapsed as she sighed in frustration; Rey could feel her potential – the power she was supposed to possess. And yet, she had not been able to reach it. While the island's own connection to the Force helped, she knew that she was meant for more. Something was standing in her way, something that the raw power of the island could not – or would not – help her with.
Her frustration mounted as she once again peered at the lush greenery. The place had once easily held a special place in her heart – a bond forged by the connection to her every growing power. But now, it seemed that that very bond was slowly waning. The new, dark planet whose name she did not know was calling to her, tempting Rey with its own raw power. In her dreams, she could almost taste the power that this foreign world could give her. Wherever the planet was, it wanted her to be there. It wanted her to leave Ahch-To. It wanted to help guide her. To help her reach her full potential.
Rey swallowed as the sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach grew all consuming. Her time on Ahch-To was coming to an end. She did not know when, she did not know how, but deep in every fiber of her being, Rey knew that she would have to leave the comfort of her new home soon. Whether she chose to find this new sinister planet or not.
If she was being quite honest with herself, the thought of leaving absolutely terrified her. Her universe had grown exponentially in the few shorts months since she had fled Jakku on that old piece of junk with BB-8 and Finn in tow. She met new people, secured her own place in the Resistance, and had become the padawan of the legendary Luke Skywalker. Since that moment she rescued the little droid on the barren desert of Jakku, she had not been truly alone. The thought of leaving all that, returning to the solitude that had consumed her childhood, sent chills of terror running through her spine.
Truly hone your power, discover who you really are, and you will never be lonely again.
Rey gasped as the thought slithered its way into her head. She had no idea where it had come from. But the thought of knowing where she had come from, where she truly belonged, tugged at her like a young child in need of constant attention. Perhaps this hidden planet held the key to discovering her own place in the universe.
Perhaps….
Rey shook her head, violently pushing the thought out of her mind. All of those thoughts, all of the temptations, were absolutely insane. Her previous conversation with her master flooded her mind – temptation was the path to the dark side. Rey was not dark; she could not be. She fought Kylo Ren on Starkiller. He had extended his hand, offering her a place as his own padawan. And she had rejected him. She had rejected the dark. And so why was it still calling to her?
Or, perhaps, it was not that dark side that had tempted her so… Perhaps there was something else besides light and dark. Perhaps that was what was calling to her. Perhaps that was where she belonged. Rey swallowed as she considered her thoughts, self-doubt slithering into her mind like a serpent ready to strike at any moment. Her uncertainty frightened her; Rey preferred to deal in absolutes. Right and wrong. Light and dark. Not knowing her place in the universe terrified her.
But she could not tell Luke of her fears. Her master would not understand; he always knew where he stood, his own place in the galaxy. The line in the desert sand must have been clearly drawn for him. Knowing where his place was, where he had come from must have been such a comfort to him. Rey shook her head, banishing all of the unpleasant thoughts from her mind.
There were plenty of things that she just could not confide in her master about.
She shuddered involuntarily as the memory of the figure who haunted her dreams crept into her thoughts. Once again, he had made an appearance in her dreams. Her bond with the dark knight seemed to make those dreams all the more potent. And that frightened her. She shuddered as she recalled the look his dark eyes gave her, seeing into her soul as he haunted her nightmares. She cringed as she remembered how is dark locks had fallen over his face, casting an alluring shadow over his features as he whispered in her ear.
Come to me. I can be your teacher.
Rey swallowed hard, recalling how the feeling of his breath on her neck had sent shivers cascading down her spine. Her cheeks grew hot just thinking about it again.
No, she could not tell Luke Skywalker about all that.
While her master had been a social recluse for the better part of a decade, he was certainly not blind. He could read Rey fairly easily; he would know she had another dream about Kylo Ren almost immediately. And Rey could not bear another lecture about the importance of control for another moment longer. She could already hear the speech in her mind, and she rolled her eyes.
Luke would never be able to comprehend her situation; he would never know how difficult it would be to fully get Kylo Ren out of her head. And yet, Rey still tried. As she looked out to the rocky islands of Ahch-To, she began to wade gently into the water. Immediately, a sense of calm determination washed over her – banishing all unpleasant thoughts from her mind.
Rey began to swim. She glided through the water with relative ease, surprised at how calming the exercise actually was. With each stroke, her worries seemed to pull further and further away from her. She maneuvered through the water with more grace than she was accustomed to. She moved quickly, the tiny island that she called home grew smaller on the horizon line until it was nothing but a little spec.
She swam until her arms could no longer carry her. As she finally grew tired from the exercise, she turned on her back and began to float. The water carried her along, gently lapping at her cheeks as she stared upwards. It hardly rained on Ahch-To, and that particular morning was no exception. The clouds in the sky were small and benign, unable to threaten a single drop. From her spot floating in the water, Rey smiled.
It was perhaps one of the first times she had felt truly relaxed in a long while. She closed her eyes, allowing herself to drift peacefully in the water. In her own tranquility, a soft hum escape Rey's lips. She could not name the tune, but it felt so familiar to her all the same. Before she could even stop herself, Rey began to sing:
"Out of doubt, out of dark, to the moon's rising
he rode singing in the night, glory unleashing.
Hope he rekindled, and in hope ended;
over death, over dread, over doom lifted
out of loss, out of life, unto long glory."
She did not know where the words had come from, nor their meaning. But she smiled as she sang the tune, feeling a foreign feeling of comfort wash over her as she did so. She could not tell how long she allowed herself to float aimlessly in the water. But she saw that the sun had moved considerably from its original place in the sky. As she maneuvered herself into an upright position, she spotted land relatively close to her. She began to propel herself through the water, swimming in order to reach her rocky destination.
But Rey never reached the shore line. Each passing stroke brought her closer and closer to a series of darkened caves that guarded the sandy shores. As she reached the first of many grottos, Rey hesitated briefly. Uncertainty tugged at her, willing her to turn back where she had come from.
But curiosity got the best of Rey, as it always did.
Holding her breath, Rey propelled herself into darkened cave. With each passing stroke, it became more and more difficult for her to see as cave blocked all natural light. She shuddered at the eeriness of the grotto, at the loud echo of ever miniscule movement she made in the water.
It was a relief when Rey found that the water was shallow enough for her to stand.
She could easily walk along the cave line, her fingers tracing each bump and groove in the rock face. It helped her to keep her sense of direction in the darkness. Her eyes had adjusted somewhat, but the absence of most light still hindered her.
It was then that her finger suddenly hit a crude groove in the cave wall. And then another. And another. Rey paused for a moment, as her eyes narrowed and tried to focus on the cave wall. Through the darkness, she could see small hatch marks carved in to the stone. A variety of shapes carved into the wall, forming a series of pictures. It was a language that Rey could not understand, despite her having learned a great deal of different dialects at Nima Outpost.
It was an ancient language.
She regarded the pictographs for a few moments longer, trying her hardest to make sense of the writing before her. She brought her fingers to the etching, gently tracing her fingers over the crude markings.
It was then that Rey felt herself being pulled, away from the cave, away from Ahch-To, and straight into the unknown.
Rey's eyes opened, her head pounding from both the ferocity in which she had been pulled and the confusion of the sudden change. What had happened to her? Where was she? When was she?
It took only mere moments before she could answer at least one of those questions. Instantaneously, the aura of the atmosphere provided a sense of welcome and comfort to her – like a newborn being swaddled in a blanket for the first time. She was on the planet from her nightma- dreams. Her eyes went wide at the realization, as she eagerly took in all of her surroundings.
She began to wander, her feet seemingly moving of their own volition. Rey drank in all the sights of this hauntingly familiar planet, hoping that something – anything – would help to trigger an actual memory. Somewhere, in the distance, Rey could hear voices. A small chorus of laughter. Instinctively, Rey made her way towards the noise.
Suddenly, she felt the same pull again, although this time not as violent. As she came to, the scenery on the planet had changed. Night had fallen, and she noticed what appeared to be a hurriedly put together camp. Somewhere, from inside one of the makeshift tents, she could hear a woman's ear piercing scream. Rey hurried towards the source, making no attempts at resisting the gnawing need to find this woman.
She was not the only one who scurried towards the sound. Throngs of people, all disheveled and dusty, flocked towards the tent in the center of the camp. Rey shuddered as she noticed the people; she could sense the darkness in some of them.
But she followed them nonetheless, desperate to find the woman. She could not put her finger on why – but Rey had to find her. As she made her way to the tent that people seemed to hover around, she noticed a man standing guard at the entrance of the tent. Like the others around him, Rey could sense the unyielding darkness that radiated off of him. But there was something else about him, something Rey could not quite put her finger on.
He was addressing the crowd, but Rey did not hear a word that he spoke. All that she saw, all that she could focus on, was what stood behind him. As he moved directly away from the tent to speak to the growing crowd at his feet, Rey scurried behind him. She pulled back the tent flap –
Once again, Rey felt herself being pulled. No! She thought as she fought the forces that had so callously pulled her away from the tent. But the Force was much stronger than she, and there was no use fighting against it. The scene around her changed once again, and daylight graced the still unknown planet.
In the distance, high pitched laughter chimed through the trees. Once again, Rey made her way to the source of the sound.
Her foot caught on something, causing her to fall forward onto the hard ground. With a groan, Rey looked to see what had caused her fall. A small, human-like doll. Her eyes narrowed as she picked up the figurine and caressed it gently. It was the same one from her vision of Kylo Ren. Rey swallowed as an uneasy feeling washed over her completely.
More laughter in the distance broke Rey from her thoughts. She dropped the doll as if it had caught fire, not wanting to even consider Kylo Ren as she sought to make her way through the planet. But almost as soon as she returned to her task, Rey was once again falling.
Rey panted as she opened her eyes, for the briefest of moments hoping that she would still be in the midst of her vision. How could it end just like that? What was it all supposed to mean? Rey wanted nothing more than to remain in the world of his vision. But much to her chagrin, as her eyes adjusted to the darkness, she soon noticed that she was once again in the grotto on Ahch-To. But Rey was forced to ignore the throbbing pang of grief in her chest at the loss. There were more pressing matters to attend to: the water level had risen quite a bit, and she struggled to remain standing while keeping her head above water. She had been out of it for so long that the tides had begun to change.
With one last, longing look at the runes on the cave wall that had triggered such an intense vision, Rey turned to make her way out of the grotto. As she moved to propel herself forward, however, something seemed to keep her right foot from moving. She attempted to pull yet again, but it seemed that a portion of her legging was caught underneath the water. She struggled yet again, it was as if whatever her legging had been caught on had a death grip.
The water level continued to rise as Rey struggled with her legging. "Son of a bantha," She murmured to herself. But as she did so, her mouth began to fill with salt water. Gasping for a breath air, Rey submerged herself in the water. Opening her eyes under the surface, she searched for whatever could have so tightly snagged her clothing.
It did not take long for her eyes to land on the rock that had pinned a part of her clothing to the grotto floor. Summoning all of her strength, she pushed the rock. But the heavy stone did not budge. Her chest grew tight as the breath she was holding threatened to burst out of her. She stood up, her head barely emerging from the water. Through her nose, she was able to suck in the last of the air as the rising tide filled the grotto.
Rey submerged herself again, immediately trying to remove the rock. But the weight would not budge.
Come on. Rey told herself, concentrate. She closed her eyes, focusing all of her energy and concentration on moving the rock in front of her. She pushed the heavy stone once again, feeling the weight give slightly. But the shift was not enough for her to free her trapped leg. She closed her eyes again, willing the energy around her to help her. With a final, forceful push, Rey summoned all of her energy. The rock moved a few inches, enough for her to pull away easily.
Frantically, she began to swim to the grotto's entrance. Her chest was beginning to feel tight once again as her need for oxygen became much more dominant. She propelled herself faster than she had ever swam before. When she finally cleared the cave's entrance, she gasped for air. Her lungs filled with so much oxygen that they burned when she finally released her breath.
Her heart was hammering, adrenaline coursing through her veins. She took a moment, attempting to relax herself and catch her breath before she swam back to her base camp. The sun had risen high in the sky, and she needed to return to her master before he grew worried about her. She swallowed hard, wondering as she began to gently paddle away from the grotto just how much she should reveal to Luke Skywalker. What she had seen made no sense to her, and Luke would be able to help.
And yet, there was something about her vision that had felt so deeply personal – she did not want to share it.
Rey began to paddle; at least she had the entire swim back to decide.
Rey was still drenched when she finally reached her master's homestead on the main island. It was the early afternoon, and she had lost much of her morning to the grotto. Rey knew she was late for her daily training with Luke; she could only hope her master would not be too harsh on her. She opened the rickety door, hoping to silently enter the homestead. But the constant dropping of water from her clothing and hair gave her away with each squish.
"You were up very early this morning," A voice came from behind her. Rey whirled around, her wet hair whipping her in the face as she did so. Her master stood at the hearth behind her, she had been so preoccupied with entering silently that she did not even notice him standing there. Luke regarded her skeptically, his well-trained eyes boring deep into her.
Rey shuffled her feet, looking down so she did not meet his gaze. "I could not sleep."
"Ah," Her master looked at her curiously. Rey tried to sense what he was thinking, but he remained neutral in both expression and mind. Despite all indications otherwise, she could not shake the feeling that Luke Skywalker was judging her. Without another word, her master turned back towards the makeshift hearth in the homestead. Over a dimly lit fire was a pot of boiling water. Luke stirred the pot gently before adding something that Rey did not recognize to it. "Go and dry yourself. We will begin your training later this afternoon."
Rey did as she was commanded. But even as she changed into much more comfortable and dry training clothes, her thoughts continued to wander back towards the vision that she had earlier that day. Did her master know what she had seen? Could he sense that she was keeping something from him? She did not know, but she could only hope.
When she reappeared fully dry, her master was pouring the boiling water into two small mugs. Rey inhaled the calming aroma of chamomile. As she walked over, Luke handed her a steaming cup of the freshly made tea. She took it gladly. As the brought the steaming cup to her lip, her master regarded her, "Perhaps the reason that you are unable to sleep soundly in the night is because of your force bond."
Rey paused, the cup of tea still at her lips. Already, she could feel the anger boiling up inside of her. It took every ounce of control in her body not to visibly react to her master's words. Instead, she raised her eyebrows, waiting for him to continue.
"Perhaps it is better that we spend today practicing both meditation and control." Luke eyed her, "Having a well-disciplined mind may help to calm your nightmares."
In an involuntary motion, her eyes rolled upwards at her master's suggestion. Luke Skywalker started at her for a moment, and Rey braced herself for a vicious scolding. But it never came; her master chose to disregard her own ignorance. Instead, he took a small sip of his own tea before saying, "I am afraid from here on in, your training will have to be more intense."
Her lips curled upward in a smile and all previous anger and resentment that she felt towards her master dissipated almost immediately. Perhaps now she would learn more about what it really meant to be a Jedi, rather than just practicing asceticism and meditation.
"I am sensing that, very soon, our time on Ahch-To will end." Luke continued as he finished the tea. "It will be best that you are prepared for whatever may come your way."
Rey raised her brows, attempting to appear surprised by the news. She had the same feeling; she had for days now. But she could not help but shake the feeling that her path would be a different one that Luke Skywalker's. She had to wonder if Luke felt it to, but she did not dare bring it up. It would only lead to another lecture about discipline and following the way of the Jedi. As she finished her last sip of the chamomile tea, she looked to her master, "What do you think will happen next?"
"That, I cannot see." Her master sounded as if he almost regretted the words, "There has been no word from the Resistance on the holo-pad that Chewbacca gave us before he returned to Leia. But, nevertheless, we will have to work just as hard to make sure that you are ready whenever that time comes."
Rey set the cup of tea down, her thoughts wandering to the beleaguered Resistance. She thought back on her friends, on Finn and BB-8. All of them seemed worlds away, so far removed from her and everything she had accomplished in the past few months. She thought of what Luke had said, the possibility of returning to the Resistance and life there.
Could she do it?
"If we do go back, Master, things would not be the same, would they?" The words that had come out of her mouth were less of a question and more of an observation. The gnawing feeling deep in her gut every time she thought of the Resistance was enough of an answer for her.
Luke Skywalker shook his head, "No, I do not believe that they would. When my father was a padawan, the Jedi were revered and used for their counsel and wisdom precisely because they were personally removed from situations. I fear that the rise of the First Order, this fight has become far too personal. We will both have to be very careful not to mix our own personal feelings with the goals of the Resistance."
Rey's cheeks flushed at her master's mentions of her own personal feelings.
"Is that why the Jedi cut off all contact with their families?" Rey ignored her master's comments as she considered the position of the Jedi. "To prevent them from seeing things too personally?"
"The Jedi did not want their personal ties to complicate matters." Luke eyed Rey carefully, "Personal connections, familial ties – they can lead to irrational fear. Fear that loved ones will be put in danger. Fear for their lives. My old mentor once told me that fear is the path to the dark side, and the Jedi must stand firmly on the side of the light."
Rey looked at her master, her cheeks burning as he explained it all to her. Her own fear and anxiety had been growing as her time spent on Ahch-To progressed. Fear of leaving the planet, fear of facing this strange and confusing force bond with Kylo Ren, fear for her friends in the Resistance. Rey was, in fact, full of fear. Her eyes shifted downward, hoping that her master could not see her shame. But if Luke Skywalker suspected anything of his young padawan, he did not let on. When her embarrassment and uncertainty dissipated, Rey finally looked up at her master, "Is that why you left? Why you came here? Because of fear?"
Luke regarded the young woman before him carefully. She could feel his eyes boring into her, and she immediately regretted asking the question. She was certain he would dismiss it, directing her instead to begin her training for the day.
But much to her surprise, he did not.
"I left the Resistance in its earliest stages because I felt as though I was no use to it." Luke swallowed, "I had become invested in the cause, going so far as to sending my young apprentice on missions for the Resistance."
As Luke told his story, Rey tried to picture it. The newly formed Jedi Academy, with a young Ben Solo has his apprentice. Her breath hitched in her throat as she tried to imagine what he could have possibly been. She flushed at the mere thought of it.
"When I failed in my mission, when I failed the Resistance and my family, I had begun to feel true fear for the future of the, of the galaxy." Luke's voice broke as he recounted his story. Rey watched on, unsure if she should say anything else. But her master continued, "I began to think I would do anything to prevent the outcome I feared the most."
"And that was when you left," Rey finished the thought for him.
Her master nodded, "The battle had become too personal for me; that is not the way of the Jedi. And so I exiled myself here to calm my own fear and to continue my studies as a Jedi knight. So that I would not be tempted by my own fear and the dark side."
Rey looked at the empty cup of chamomile tea in her hands. Small residue from the leaves circled the rim in a delicate pattern. As she eyed the residue, she could not help but think of a man halfway across the galaxy and his own path to the dark side.
If fear was truly the path, then what was he so fearful of?