I keep having these nightmares.
I left America to escape, but I can't. Not really. Escaping doesn't alleviate my guilt. It doesn't fix anything. Boss says I have to accept it. To move past it. To reconcile myself.
Whatever. He can talk all he wants to. It won't solve anything. I killed him. It's my fault.
It's been three months since I arrived in Japan. My individual training is coming to an end. Touya-sensei says I can pass as a typical Japanese man, albeit a forward one. So long as I smile there shouldn't be any problems. Most people will precieve me as a playboy, which is an easy enough identity to assume. I can do nice and approachable, I spent enough time around Rick to be able to imitate it.
If I could die I would. The inevitable escapism of death would be a welcome distraction from the life I am forced to put up with now. Only when I am acting can I escape the timeless terror that is my never-ending thoughts- or worse, the total lack on any coherent thought- and yet is that not another form of escapism? I do not face that which I cannot fight. Is it worth it to assume I will ever be able to move past this?
The president seems to think so. He provides endless distractions, and forces me to focus on something. He seems to think that the time spent trying to fix me is well worth it. I'd argue, but the man is as stubborn as he is eccentric.
I promised Rick that I'd try to be better. That I'd be my own man. I promised him that I'd take care of his sister. That I'd be responsible for my own actions.
How many promises can I fail? How many of my words come up empty?
Depression is a curious thing. Self-loathing, hate, such simple words for such complicated emotions. There's an emptiness where there was once discontent. Socially, I've never been better. There's a certain liberation to not caring about life, I suppose.
Tsuruga Ren is the name I've chosen for myself. With a constant mask, I should be able to hide some of who I was. Hopefully with practice I will be able to hide all of it. The boss- the President that is, says I've gotten better. At the very least I'm spacing out less.