-Hey Lazlo
-Hm?
They were in the living room, Lazlo reading some text books and Edward working at is desk
-Do you …do you remember when we started going out together? The first times you came to my place?
Lazlo remained silent, he knew what Edward was going to ask, hoped it wasn't it
-You … Freaked out, and, we never talked about it again. But it still bothers me sometimes …
-It's nothing
-Still …
-No it won't happen again, don't worry
Edward hesitated, he didn't want to insist if Lazlo didn't want to talk about it. It's been almost a years since then also. Lazlo changed the subject
-I found a new job
-A new job?
-Well it's not really a job, an old friend contacted me ...
Apparently, this old friend, went to circus school and theatre school in the last years. When They were still in high school the both of them would work in an amusement park in the summer and had an amateur clown act for a while. He now wanted to do something with Lazlo again as a way to remember the old days. His friend had a arrangement to use the material to practice and they would do the cleaning and take care of the place in exchange. Edward was still a bit off, thinking that Lazlo was deliberately hiding something from him, and now this thing he never heard about. He felt as though he didn't really know him. 'well, if he's not comfortable about it I can't force him'
-I never heard about that …
-It wasn't really important
Edward was spacing out, didn't hear the last thing Lazlo said so he repeated
-Are you okay?
Edward looked away and scratched the back of his head
-Yes … congratulations
-Well, I didn't start yet, and it's not really official either. They let us use the material and resources for only a little time. I think he wants me to go to school and have like … a career in this, which sounds strange to me but …
-You want to try it
-Yes!
Lazlo chuckled, saw Edward looking worried. He still didn't want to talk about it and hoped he wouldn't bring it up again.
Lazlo was now training for his circus act with that 'old friend' for a couple of months now. Edward wouldn't see him that often since Lazlo would leave quite early in the morning and sometimes work a part time job in the evening. He felt a little bit lonely. He looked around, Lazlo's text books where on the coffee table in the living room but beside that, the apartment was the same. Lazlo didn't really put any of his things out, still had boxes and a backpack, as thought he was leaving any second. It wasn't the case, but Edward still felt a little strange not seeing any changes. There was a lot more spices in the kitchen now though. He smiled and walked around a bit. He tried to remember what Lazlo's apartment looked like. Now that he thinks about it it didn't really look like him. Maybe he just wasn't into personalising his place, but then again, he remembered the jelly cabin. Well that was a long time ago. Since they've been together he kind of forgot that they used to know one another.
He went to the bottom of his closet there was on old box, with his camp uniform, pictures and letters. He looked through family picture, camp pictures, and one in particular caught his attention. They were all there, all the campers from camp kidney, smiling. He remembered that, it was near the end of the summer and someone mentioned he needed to take a picture for his parents or something. He mailed the final result to everyone a couple of months later. Lazlo probably has it too. Maybe this isn't right. Maybe they shouldn't be together, this is strange after all. What if the others knew? Would they be supportive? He didn't ask Lazlo about it, but he felt like he wouldn't want anyone to know. After all, Lazlo is still …ashamed of his sexuality. It wasn't something they talked about, but he felt that if he asked him he wouldn't want to talk about it.
This isn't good. They can't talk to one another. Maybe he's over thinking it. Of course there are things Lazlo doesn't want to talk about, especially if he's still struggling with them. Edward probably had something he himself didn't want to bring up but still... He heard the door open. He placed the box back to its place but kept the picture which he placed in a drawer next to him. Lazlo heard noises in the bed room,
-Oh you're still awake?
-You're early
-No I'm not?
Edward looked at the time. 11PM it was the usual time. He just didn't saw the time pass.
-Are you okay?
Lazlo looked at him worried
-Ah yes, I'm just tired.
-do you want to do something?
Edward looked around. He wanted to talk to Lazlo about his worries, and how he would like to see him more and, that he didn't have to have a part time job. But remembered how he didn't even want to move in with him. He didn't want to depend on him at all costs.
-Edward? You don't look okay
Lazlo walked to him and placed his hands on his shoulders, Edward was still looking away but reacted quickly he smiled, brushed it off and said.
-I kind of want to order some take out. You didn't eat yet right?
-Oh, yes, hm okay
Lazlo put on a shy smile, he was worried now. They left, walked in the night, they bought coffee and some snacks in the end. Lazlo said he wasn't really hungry. They were sitting in a park, it wasn't too dark. Edward looked at him, he seemed tired, and a little sad. Edward tried to work his way around it.
-How was your day?
-Oh it was great!
Lazlo then immediately put a smile on his face. It started to irritated Edward
-Why do you do that
-Do what?
-You didn't look happy a second ago, it seemed as though something was on your mind.
Edward stopped what he was saying, he didn't want to get angry with him. He had a long day and probably didn't need that. Lazlo looked confused, and uncomfortable, looking away, he didn't know how to react.
-Sorry, it's just, I don't know.
-I didn't want to get angry with you
-It's okay, I get it.
Edward thought to himself 'get what' it wasn't like he was always like that or he had a reason to be. 'Don't just take it, Lazlo you don't deserve to be treated like this'. Edward was now getting irritated with himself. He felt like it would have been better if Lazlo didn't get it, in his words, and got angry with him. He wanted Lazlo to get angry with him? That's ridiculous, why would he want that.
-Edward? There's something I want to tell you.
He looked up, Lazlo looked, ashamed.
-You know Alex?
-Your friend?
-Yes, he tried to make a move on me today.
Edward looked shocked, he didn't know what to say.
-I kind of knew he had other intentions, but didn't want to admit it. I didn't tell him I was already seeing someone so he probably thought he had a chance or something. He tried to kiss me. I pushed him away but I feel like, it feels icky, I think I should stop going there altogether.
Edward thought about it for a while. Lazlo putted a lot in effort in the past few months, said he was progressing fast and had compliments from his peers. He looked like he really enjoyed it.
-Do you think it would affect your training?
-No not really, he apologised and said he didn't want me to leave for something like that. But I don't know, this feels really wrong. What do you think?
-If you don't feel uncomfortable working with him I think you should stay.
Lazlo looked a bit surprised. He thought that if he told Edward about it he would get mad with him. But he wasn't, he looked very calm, even more than before telling him, maybe he should trust him more. Lazlo stopped on that thought, why wouldn't he trust him … He realised he wasn't 100% honest with Edward and didn't quite know why.
-So what do you want to do?
Lazlo was spacing out
-If you're okay with it, I would like to stay.
-I don't mind
-okay … Edward?
-what?
-I love you
-I love you too but …don't hide things from me okay?
-Okay
It was now a couple of weeks later, Lazlo was training with his friend on the trapeze that day. He was naturally strong and athletic but that was hard. He kept failing and having to start again. He was quite determined to make it. At one point he fell in the net again, exhausted. Alex let himself fall next to him. Lazlo laughed, it was so ridiculous, anyone seeing him now would wonder why he's even there. Alex told him it's normal and that maybe he would be better at something else.
Lazlo thought about how distant Edward was with him, and how he didn't let him get too close to him, emotionally. Yes they would have sex often but somehow it always felt a little distant. Edward started working late and talking to him less, get more irritated with him. He wondered if that was it, maybe it just wasn't going to work out. Lazlo felt frustrated with himself, how Edward just wouldn't let him love him. Maybe he just doesn't love him anymore. As Lazlo's thoughts were racing Alex got a little closer to him but not too much. They briefly looked at each other and Lazlo saw that Alex was looking at him with dreamy eyes. Lazlo wondered if it would feel like kissing Edward to kiss someone who loves you. Lazlo leaned in and pressed his lips against his. He felt Alex surprise and kissing him back, very passionately, like he was giving himself. Lazlo wondered how it would feel if Edward did something like that, kissing him with his whole self instead of just his lips. For a moment, Lazlo forgot about everything around him, focusing on the kiss.
There was a sudden loud sound from the chairs in the distance. Edward was there, made a couple of chairs fall by accident, he had bought the bag Lazlo asked him to bring a couple of days back. He just quickly walked away.
-Wait Edward!
Lazlo tried to follow him but he couldn't find him, there was a lot of distance between the two of them when he saw him. Alex asked him what was going on, Lazlo told him everything and apologised. Alex responded with 'I knew you were seeing someone, I thought maybe I still had a chance'. Lazlo didn't think too much about it, he just had to leave now.
When he got home Edward wasn't there, he tried to call him but he didn't respond. He waited sitting on the couch, thinking he really screwed up. Was Edward going to leave him for this? Who wouldn't… He passed the door, Lazlo instantly got up
-Edward?
He didn't respond
-I'm sorry it was an accident I just
-There is no such thing as kissing someone by accident Lazlo
Edward snapped and closed the door behind him. He was very calm, but anger could clearly be heard in his voice. Lazlo wanted to explain himself, he felt his hands shaking, he didn't want things to end like this, the kiss didn't mean anything he just didn't think on the moment and let it happen.
-Edward I just
-No don't say anything, there is nothing you can say that won't make it worse, just leave already…
Edward was getting impatient, he didn't look Lazlo in the eyes once since he opened the door. Lazlo remained silent. He didn't want to leave.
-Edward it didn't mean anything …
-I SAID LEAVE!
Edward then left the room, leaving Lazlo alone in the living room. Lazlo was getting frustrated with this. Why didn't he let him say something? Lazlo grabbed his backpack, a couple of things from the bathroom and some clothes and left. He didn't really had anywhere to go but he would manage somehow. He'd been in worst situations before. He felt tears on his face, wiped them and kept walking. He felt frustrated that Edward didn't even let him say something. It didn't mean anything, he didn't have any intention of cheating on him …
A couple of weeks had gone by now. Lazlo didn't go out with the camp crew anymore. He would politely tell them he's busy. He was still thinking about the break up from time to time but '' I'll get over it'' He told himself and went to work as usual… down stairs. It was a small shop for computer repairs, Lazlo didn't know much about it but was working as a help, for chores and coffee mostly, and ….sex appeal as his ''manager'' would say. Maybe because of the circus training he did in the last couple of months, he was a lot stronger and could see the difference in his body. Not that he though this statement was serious to begin with. Thinking back on it it's probably a joke to make him feel more confident, because the day he got the job, AND started renting the studio upstairs was the same day Edward kicked him out, and in the interview Lazlo remembered they said something along the lines of ''why do you want this job?'' '' because I got kicked out by my ex also… are you the one renting the studio upstairs'' and the manager laughed so hard he hired him and became his landlord at the same time.
He also enjoyed learning from his coworkers on the side. It wasn't a passion but it was interesting. Lazlo never really looked to do something specific with his life, he wasn't aiming a career or a specific goal, and he just went with the flow. The job was pretty easy, he even started helping them out with some of the ''repairs'' which were most of the times little strange things or inadvertence from the customer like …forgetting to charge the laptop … forgetting to plug in the computer …getting a virus … not understanding how basic functions work such as, emails … paying your internet bills …opening the computer. It was a basic job, a simple, stress less job. He wasn't doing anything else at the same time, he was paying his student loans, which weren't too high because he'd been careful, he was eating properly, had spare money, didn't have problem paying his rent. For the longest time in a while he had a lot of spare time on his hands. He stopped meeting with Alex, stopped the circus thing altogether. Alex even asked him, since he wasn't with Edward anymore, to date him, but Lazlo politely told him no. He hated himself for what happened and staying there felt disgusting, nothing less. He regretted what happened but felt like there was nothing else to do.