I deserve to die.

I caused Rick to die. It was my fault. He was my friend. My best friend. My brother. He did everything for me, and I killed him.

Why did he care? Why did he stick his neck out for me? I didn't deserve it. I was already beyond redemption, and yet he made me think that I could be something more.

I can't. I'm not.

Acting. Being more than just that. I'll never be more than that. There's no going back. No moving on. No fixing it.

He's dead. And it's my fault.

Why couldn't it be me? Nobody would miss me. Rick might, but he'd get on with his life. Nobody else cares. It would solve so many problems. My father wouldn't have to be embarrassed for me. My mother ashamed. My parents would be less burdened by my mistakes. My failures.

I live only because I don't deserve to die. Not when I caused his light to go out. I cannot atone for what I've done.

He was the only one who believed in me.

I should just die.

No one would miss me.

…

Okay… So, this month was bad.

Really bad.

I cannot even list the amount of pure idiocy I participated in in the course of this entry, nor should I in case anyone other than myself should ever read it.

I was wallowing. Feeling sorry for myself. My depression came to a head and I probably could have killed myself. I got alarmingly close, actually.

Ruto was immensely helpful in making sure that myself destructive ways didn't result in something a little more permanent than a hangover. Lorry has also been clearing my schedule. I'd be annoyed except for I don't even deserve to die. Nor do I want to destroy my career.

Micah wrote me again. Probably the only reason I stopped trying to do immensely stupid things that could end my life. I need to restrict myself to simply drinking, but my years as a juvenile delinquent offer far too many options for destructive activities than even Ruto realizes. Frankly I'm surprised I managed to slip past the man.

He probably let me, now that I think about it. Simply followed me and waited for me to exhaust myself. Only stepping in when I was about to do something immensely stupid. Ever the watchful guardian, that man.

I really do wonder where Lorry found him. Frankly I wouldn't be surprised if he were part of the yakuza or something similar. But, in that case, what does that mean for Lorry, for Ruto follows him faithfully and without question.

On another note, maybe I don't want to know.

Micah… she was the light of his life. The one person Rick cared about beyond anything else. His baby sister. He smothered her, and despite her complaining she loved him dearly. She still doesn't blame me.

She sent so many letters. She begged me not to do anything stupid. To live. Combined, the letters could probably make up a small novel. Yet she knew I'd read the whole thing. Even in that state, I had to.

She wrote me every day. She would not stop. She had to make sure I was alive. That I would stay alive. Lorry said she even called him. Stole the number from my fathers cell phone.

If nothing else, I have to live for her. Because she wants me to live.

I'll live for her. I'll live for him.