Nicky used to complain that there was never any consistency. That there was good days and bad days, and nothing in between. I remember her being stressed and tired and run down. She always worked for her friends, their foundation. Thing was, it broke her.
Rick used to say that Nicky took on too much, the hypocrite. He would always talk to her and urge her to take a rest and to stop doing so much, and then turn around and try to parent his sister and be a good boyfriend, while working 40 hr weeks and keeping up with online classes. They were best friends.
For a long time I disliked Nicky. She was sharp and unapologetically forward, yet she let people walk all over her. She had more potential than most, yet was a class A case of low self-esteem hidden behind jokes and fake smiles. I couldn't get used to the hypocrisies of her character. The conflicting personalities that vied for attention.
I think everyone has that though. Rick, the easygoing stunt double that was open and expressive, vs the overprotective older brother who never let anything slip about his home life. There's the good side, and the bad side. You have to accept both parts of a person, or else you won't be able to accept them truly.
As a kid I only let people see one side of me. The grown-up son of world renown celebrities. I never let them see the broken kid that was being crushed by the pressures of an adult world I wasn't yet ready for.
I would've been easier then, now that I think about it. To let people in to that side of me. Thing is, we hide who we really are. Masks and facades, they are increasingly common. Nobody around me can tell the difference between my good days and my bad days now. Now it's just… me.
I miss Rick. Truly, honestly miss him. It's not the depression talking. Not the guilt, or the anger, or the fear. It's the teenager who never related to anybody. The kid that was so alone that he didn't even know he was alone. Now nobody can see through my mask. I didn't realize how lonely it was before.