Chapter 25
The next morning John looked out his bedroom window to see spring had arrived in full force. He hadn't slept at all, but he hadn't expected to. It was just as well; any sleep was likely to be fitful and punctuated with nightmares. He didn't need to wake up the entire staff with his screaming. That hadn't happened since he'd been there, and he didn't want it to start now. It was after three before he laid down. He had had to bathe. When he undressed his undershirt was so soaked with sweat he could ring it out. He felt better after relaxing in the water, but he knew sleep wasn't going to be an option. He tried to finish Howards End, but wound up just sitting, thinking, looking out his window until his back and leg began to protest.
Even so, John felt refreshed. He had opened his window and the cool clean air had helped as it drifted over him all night. He stretched as he looked at the morning, and saw how the world had changed overnight. The recent rain was obvious in the brightness of the lawn, the shininess of the grass and leaves. The trees and shrubs that had a hint of bud and leaf now had hints of flower. Birdsong drifted in on the breeze. John saw a pair of rabbits frolicking in the grass. Today would be better. The rain had stopped.
Mr. Branson was quiet at breakfast, nervously glancing at John over his toast. John was afraid that might happen, that Mr. Branson would either think the previous evening was his fault, or that John was now somehow different. He was sure Mr. Branson saw him as different now, and that was alright so long as Mr. Branson didn't mention it. John smiled at him as he asked him to please pass the marmalade. John felt Anna's hand on his knee. Mr. Branson's face melted into a grin. Bells were ringing. John's hand covered Anna's as everyone else pushed back their chairs.
The morning passed quickly enough. Lord Grantham was talkative, and it was time to rotate the wardrobe for warmer weather. John barely saw Anna until luncheon, when she arrived looking a little harried after everyone had already started. He suspected she was trying to finish everything so Mrs. Hughes couldn't find fault when they snuck off later in the afternoon. Much as he didn't want Anna to overtire herself, he hoped that was the case. They needed to sneak off for an hour or so. Mr. Carson was handing out the post. John had a letter. Lady Edith's bell rang. Anna hadn't finished her soup.
John couldn't place the writing on the envelope. It was a man's writing, of that he was certain, but he couldn't think of any man who would be writing him. He looked at the signature first. Franklin Ford. The solicitor who was helping him look for Vera. John's heart skipped a beat. Dear Mr. Bates. Had received word from Mrs. Bates. He had not made her privy to Mr. Bates's whereabouts or desires. Enclosed he would please find her address, etc. If he could be of further assistance, etc. He was very truly his with best wishes, etc.
Vera's address. There it was, neatly typed, on a separate sheet. John read the letter again. It said the same thing. And again. He stepped outside into the courtyard. Even without Thomas it smelled of cigarette. He looked at the sky. It was almost blue. He heard a robin. John needed tea. Mrs. Patmore knew his habits and patterns and always had some ready for him just after lunch.
Anna appeared early in the afternoon. John was sorting through collars in the servants hall. She looked tired, and was carrying a piece of bread and some cheese.
"Just let me eat this and I'll be ready. All Lady Edith wanted was her new hat."
Anna ate like John might take it from her. After she finished she rolled her neck wearily.
"If you're tired, we don't have to go today. I think the rain is over for now."
Anna shook her head. "No, we said as soon as it stopped. And the young ladies have gone out for the afternoon, and I've done everything there could possibly be to do, and Lily and Jenny are working on other chores with Mrs. Hughes. Mrs. Hughes did say I could have a rest this afternoon."
John smiled. "Did she? A rest? And is that what you have planned?"
It was Anna's turn to smile. She rose to her feet and took his hand. "Let's go."
The grove lay beyond the house, past the gardens with their old walls and the temple where they first kissed. John kissed her as soon as it was safe. She tasted like cheese.
"You seem better today." She grinned at him.
John looked at the sky. "I am. And so do you."
"Mrs. Hughes hasn't been as bad today."
"And here we are doing exactly what we aren't supposed to be doing? Very naughty."
Anna pulled at his hand and grinned. "She knows exactly what we're doing. She knew exactly what take a rest meant. And a new girl starts the first of the week."
Mrs. Hughes was a wise woman. John hoped this was a trend. He kept up with Anna as best he could. As they rounded the corner beyond one of the other temples, the one that might have a room inside, and entered the wood, he saw it. A wash of yellow, made bright by the recent rains so it glowed against the dark browns and greens. Crocuses still lingered, dotting the brilliant yellow with dark purple. The afternoon was fairly cool, and under the trees it was still quite wet, but breathtaking. They stood in silence. Anna leaned against him. She wasn't wearing her cap and he could smell her hair. She smelled less flowery, more sweaty than usual. She was no less intoxicating.
"Beautiful." John felt lighter than he had in days. Anna murmured in agreement. He kissed the top of her head. "Let's find place to sit."
John settled Anna between his legs on a large rock. He wanted to be able to feel her as close as he could. As she nestled against him he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her tighter against him.
They sat in silence, letting the cool fragrant air wash over them, listening to the breeze and the birds. The trees were just budding, the daffodils and crocus were in full force. Anna shivered. She didn't have her shawl and John wasn't wearing his overcoat. He pulled her closer. He needed to have her close. It helped. She helped. She felt so solid and so fragile and she just smelled so good. Vera was large, and loud, and never understood the beauty of silence. He had an address for Vera.
Anna shifted against him and moved her neck. Though she was slouched as best as the constraints of her garments would allow, she seemed stiff. John shifted and gently ran his fingers over the exposed area of neck between her hairline and her collar. She sighed and wilted further into him. John smiled and did it again, slower. Anna tilted her head so he could kiss just under her ear. She sighed again. He kissed down her neck until he hit collar. She raised her head. John opened the top button at the back of her dress and ran his fingers over the base of her neck. He wasn't surprised to find a knot there, but he was surprised by the size. He unbuttoned the second button and slid his palm inside.
"Maybe Mrs. Hughes is right and you shouldn't go to London if this is the result. You're covered in knots."
Her felt her giggle. "I have been called naughty." He kissed the newly exposed skin.
"And so you are." He started slowly, lightly pressing around the warm lump. He loved how soft, how supple she was, not just her skin, but her movements. Even now, when she was stiff and suffering, she had a certain fluidity about her. He moved in lines up and down her neck, releasing the tension, keeping his other firmly around her waist lest she relax too much and slide to the ground. Occasionally he kissed the back of her neck.
"It's so beautiful out here." She gasped as he pressed hard against the knot.
"It is. I'm glad we came." The breeze was picking up. He began to work at the spot where her shoulders curved up to form her neck. She gasped sharply.
"I'm glad you're getting help. You're very strong, but you may be pushing yourself too much. You shouldn't be so tense."
She moaned in response. He had Vera's address. Everything with Vera had been a struggle, a contest, a fight. John certainly didn't want submission or control; he wanted respect and understanding and equality and to feel like he had a purpose. Nothing he had done for Vera had been right. He could do this for Anna and it was right. He needed to work on her shoulder blades. Her corset was like armor.
Anna leaned forward. He could reach a little more.
"The new girl will have to share my room. I hope she learns quickly."
Anna gasped as John's knuckles kneaded into her shoulder blades.
"I hope she does too. Better for you and Mrs. Hughes."
Anna was starting to go limp. John pulled her back against him. The trees were rustling and the sky was going grey.
"Is that better? Thanks to that infernal corset there's not much more I can do." He was whispering. No one was around for miles, but it seemed right.
"I'd offer to take it off, but that doesn't seem like an idea that should be pursued just now." She had turned so her lips were at his ear. The sun was back, and bright.
"Not if we're expected to return to work."
Anna was kissing his ear, along his jaw. One hand reached his shoulder and pulled at him. John kept his arm supporting her back. He had Vera's address. Could it always be like this? There was nothing more cruel than false hope. He needed this. He deserved this. The cool air felt so good. Anna's warmth in the cool air felt better.
"I had a letter today." She was working on his tie.
"Anything interesting? This collar is a like a corset for the neck." Her delicate fingers worked under it, springing it open. The horror of last night and the memories of what he had been forced to do had dissolved. Today was a better day.
"Actually yes. It was from the solicitor I've employed to help me locate Vera."
Anna's hands fell to her laps and her eyes widened. John smiled and tucked some loose hairs behind her ears. She looked frightened. She looked at her lap. There was nothing more cruel than false hope. A squirrel scurried by and darted up a tree.
"And what did he have to say?" John's heart quivered at the trepidation in her voice. He drew her against his chest. John cleared his throat.
"He wrote to inform me he had had contact with Vera, and he sent me an address for her."
Anna was quiet. "And what do you intend to do?"
"I intend to contact her." Anna's eyes grew. "I intend to contact her to see if there is any way she would agree to a divorce." Anna's eyes grew even larger. "Our marriage has been over for years, and I'd like it end it officially if I can."
Anna's eyes searched his face. He kissed the top of her head. "But you said that you needed proof of adultery and a great deal more money than you have…."
John smiled. "I did, and I do, but I would at least like to establish contact with her, to see if there's even a possibility..."
"But what if she wants to try again? What if she wants you back?"
John shouldn't have said anything. "She won't, trust me, she made that more than clear years ago, and besides, in the unlikely event she would want me back, I'd have to want to try again too, and that isn't a possibility I'm willing to entertain."
Anna was quiet. John turned her around so her back was to him again, and began working at the knots just above her waist. She gasped loudly. John slid his hands slowly up her sides, pushing out her arms, hooking his hands under her arms and pulling back. He could just feel the gentle curve of her breasts. They would just fill his hands. Was he offering false hope? A swallow was watching them from a branch.
"Besides, if I'm going to be married, I can think of someone I'd rather be married to."
Anna turned so her head was resting on his chest. "Mr. Bates, I understand why you want to contact her, but I think you should be careful. If this is all we can have, so be it."
John felt such hope, such possibility. He could smell the daffodils.
"I heard once there was nothing more cruel than false hope."