Chapter 26

John thought he could kiss the woman. Not Anna, Mrs. Hughes. He found himself standing in her sitting room, feeling like he had when still a soldier and was facing his commanding officer, not sure at first which direction the conversation was going but always aware that his role in it was limited. Mrs. Hughes was obviously ill at ease. She was pacing and twisting her hands and looking at him and the floor. Finally she came out with it. She knew she'd been rather hard on Anna lately, and she wanted him to know that of all the girls she'd had under her in her years in service, Anna was her favorite, almost like a daughter. She had known there was something between him and Anna probably before they did, but it was her nature and her job to watch and to stop. John smiled and assured her his intentions were honorable. She still looked nervous. Her keys were jangling. She had Anna's best interests at heart. His Lordship had said….John said he knew His Lordship had put her in a difficult position, and he was very sorry for being the cause of that, and he would not take such an impropriety again, and he hoped the younger staff members had not gotten ideas. Mrs. Hughes smiled ruefully. William and Daisy were really the only younger staff members these days. If any two people weren't going to get an idea….She would like to know, though it really wasn't any of her business, was there some reason they couldn't marry? After all this time and obvious affection? John thought for a moment. Thankfully she didn't know. She would withdraw her consent of his courtship of Anna, if that was what this turning into. Not answering wasn't an option. John allowed that there was an impediment to an immediate marriage. She accepted that. She hoped he understood it wasn't opposition to him, it was her regard for Anna. John thanked her for her faith in him, and more for her faith in Anna. Mrs. Hughes smiled. Anna was such a special girl. Mrs. Hughes finally stood still, looked him in the eye, and nodded. He was dismissed.

On his way to straighten up Lord Grantham's dressing room, John saw Anna and Katie, the new maid, in Lady Sybil's bedroom. He stopped in the hall and heard Anna instructing the younger woman in how Lady Sybil liked her room arranged. Anna was patient, kind, but firm. Katie didn't talk much; she looked very young and John wondered if she was having a hard time settling in. Anna had spent most afternoons with her in the last week, trying to help her adjust. John hoped once she had acclimated, she would be a friend for Daisy. As John continued on to the dressing room, he again cursed the late Mrs. Smith for denying Anna the opportunity to be a teacher. She had a knack with the young and uncertain.

An hour later, Anna surprised him while he was rearranging the sock drawer.

"I just have a minute. I sent Katie down to the laundry."

"Is she settling in alright?"

Anna looked out the window. "She's very young, and I can't tell if this was her idea or her mother's, but she'll be fine. I just had the most curious conversation with Mrs. Hughes."

John smiled. "Actually so did I. I think she finally gave her consent."

"Yes, I think she did. And she apologized for how she's been, and she gave me all day tomorrow off."

John looked out the window. Pharaoh was getting old. "All day you say? Made any plans?"

Tomorrow was Anna's birthday. John had planned to take her to tea in Ripon. Nothing fancy, but it was the best he could manage with only an afternoon off. With an entire day, he thought he could arrange something a little more interesting.

Anna smiled. "Well, not yet, but I was wondering if you were free, or if you could be free."

"I think I could manage to be."

Anna grinned and disappeared. John still swore sometimes she was part faery. It was fitting her birthday was May Day; when else would such a creature be left on earth?

John spent the day considering possible outings. Ripon didn't have much to offer aside from shops and restaurants. Harrogate was said to be pleasant. York was too far for a day trip. John had heard about a ruined abbey near Ripon that was open to visitors. He thought a day spent exploring tumble-down walls and edifices to the almighty being consumed by nature with Anna would be a perfect day. He hoped she agreed.

She did. She said she'd wanted to see Fountains Abbey, but had never had the chance. And so they found themselves crossing a field of bluebells looking across a river to the remains of what had been a glorious structure in its day. Anna caught her breath and took John's hand. John took a deep breath.

"Happy birthday Anna."

"Isn't it beautiful, Mr. Bates?"

John smiled as he rubbed her hand through her glove. He had an idea.

"Yes, Miss Smith, one of the most stirring places I've seen." He turned towards her and grinned.

Anna smiled at the ground and then at him. "I know, I could call you John, but I've always been in the habit of calling people what I call them when we meet."

"Does that mean I'm doomed to forever to be Mr. Bates?" The sun was reflecting the remains of the tower.

"I'll try. It just seems so strange to say John."

John liked how it sounded. "You can call me whatever you like. Shall we go on?"

They walked on through the sunshine.

"What do you make of this life, Mr...John?" She smiled as she tried it out. Forming his name required her lips to move in a different shape. Her mouth was thin, but large and shapely.

John looked up. All around them were the remains of a magnificent building demolished for the sake of wealth, control, lust, greed. Men who abandoned life's pleasures for hope of achieving the divine, knowing the unknowable, dispersed and killed at a madman's whim. They were standing in what had been the nave looking towards the alter. Moss and vines were enveloping the stones, an aisle of grass between the ghosts of walls.

"Forswearing life's pleasures to attain spiritual knowledge? It has an appeal, if you believe it can be done." Sometimes John wished it could done. "I suppose it could be said in a way I attempted it."

"Attempted it?" Anna's eyes were sparkling. She was wearing a new jacket. It was light grey and plaid and had an open collar showing her graceful neck. It stopped near her knees, revealing her dark blue skirt. She should always wear blue.

"Well, I wasn't trying to find the divine, but I did abandon some of life's pleasures." John wasn't sure he wanted to talk about it today. It was Anna's day, and this was grim.

"I couldn't do it. I wouldn't even try." Anna looked up, her hand holding her hat in place.

"No? You wouldn't become dead to the world to live forever?" It would be a waste.

Anna laughed. "No, I really don't like being told what to do every hour of every day. And it just seems such a waste. All those people, just locked up in these places like prisons, with such little joy and only prayer to occupy their time. I know without them we wouldn't have these beautiful buildings, or the old books and stories and music, but it seems like so much more could have been done if they had been active in a society."

They moved beyond the alter. "Maybe prayer brought them joy. How can we know?"

"We can't know, we can't know any of this, but we do know that many, especially women were forced into it. How could anyone forced to live in the wall of church as a child possibly find joy in seeking the divine? Or a woman who has been forced to become a nun, even after she's repeatedly refused, because her husband has been castrated and sees no better option?"

John wondered when Anna had the time to do all this reading. "Well, Abélard was full of himself."

Anna was facing him. "He was. He never should have made Héloise take the veil. She was miserable. She didn't even believe in God."

"He did what he thought was right." Anna's eyebrows arched. John was nervous. "I'm not defending him."

"Good."

They moved into what was once the cloister. John sat on a low wall and pulled Anna down with him. They sat in silence. A breeze came through. A family with children passed. Anna was looking into the distance. Her back was slightly arched and her eyes were sparkling. John remembered it was supposed to be a day when her people could pass readily into the human world, and humans into Faery. That sometimes happened in these enchanting ruins. Her people would try to find the divine on this night by copulating around fires on hillsides. John wondered if they ever found it. If he would ever find it. Anna was leaning against him.

"This is one of the best birthdays I've ever had." John wrapped an arm around her waist.

"I'm glad." Children were passing. He kissed her ear. He wanted to stroke the exposed neck at the back of her neck and make her shiver.

"When I was ten my father built me a dollhouse and we had ice cream." John pulled her closer. "He gave me a book of fairy tales with the most beautiful pictures." He lifted her left hand from her lap. "It had gold on the edges of the pages." Gloves. Slowly he unhooked the three buttons at the wrist and ran his finger along the thick area where the veins joined the palm. "He told me fairies lived on the moor and if I looked right I'd see them." John reached into his pocket.

"Your father was a wise man." He slid the bracelet over her hand, slowly, and clasped it, taking care not to catch her skin. Anna gasped as the cold metal touched her warm skin and looked down. The bracelet was delicate, aquamarine set in gold with links in between the settings of the stones. It had a little chain to secure the clasp. John was concerned it would be too large for Anna's dainty wrist, but it fit perfectly.

Anna caught her breath. "John." She held up her wrist and stared at it. She straightened out the bracelet with her other hand. The birds were talkative. A tendril of hair had escaped from her hat. John touched it. "It's so beautiful." She turned her large eyes to his. "Thank you."

John smiled. "You're welcome." He bent his face towards her and met her lips. "Shall we continue on?"

"Let's." Anna smiled as she stood and took his hand. The way the sunlight caught her hair, the way her eyes sparkled, John felt he had stopped breathing. Had he been captured by faery, to be held captive for seven years that passed as a day? What had he done to deserve it? Of course her birthday was Beltane. His mother wouldn't be surprised at all, once she got to know Anna. His mother knew all the old beliefs and stories. John was reminded of those Beltane customs as they climbed out of the undercroft towards the remains of the tower. He shouldn't risk the crumbling stairs of the tower, not with his cane and Anna. The fires, the fervor, the union of man and god. There was an idea he wanted to pursue with Anna, one he had long intended to pursue, but had lacked the right time, the right place. As much as open air appealed to him, he just didn't think he could take that much of a risk. He hoped he had time to discover if that little round temple near the pond had a room in it that wasn't completely squalid.

"What's next, Anna, gardens, follies, or more of the ruins?"

She looked around. "I think we've seen all the ruins we can see. We have follies at home, so let's save them for last. Gardens. The roses are just budding."

They walked in silence, John a little behind Anna, his coat swinging like a cape. The air was so fresh and clean, it was hard for him to believe it had been such a dreary winter. He loved spring and the eternal sense of change. Anna was looking across a pond at a golden temple, like a miniature house, perfect in its symmetry, with a statue of a god rising from the water. A lone swan paddled by. Everything here was perfect in its symmetry.

Anna turned to him. "I've made an interesting discovery about one of the follies at home."

John thought his heart skipped. "Oh? What's that?" He gazed into her eyes.

She looked away, at the swan, and back to him. "The little round one, near the pond, has a room inside, and it's fairly clean. The windows all open, and there's some disused furniture stored there." She ran her fingers up and down his palm.

John cleared his throat. What an intriguing notion.