Chapter 33

John's evening was worse than his morning. He was fairly certain, based on Lord Grantham's puzzled expression, his responses were not appropriate to Lord Grantham's statements. Luckily the earl was too polite to comment, other than suggesting he get some rest. John stepped on Isis's tail as he left the room, and sent her yelping for cover. He had made Anna unhappy. He had ruined everything. Vera had made Anna unhappy. Mrs. Hughes noticed his stung hand and insisted on bandaging it. He tried to smile through it all, telling her it was nothing. It was starting to swell, and she threatened him with Dr. Clarkson. Supper was especially difficult. Anna looked sallow and tired. She stirred through her food. Her ruffle was crooked. She had less to say than John. Miss O'Brien looked quizzically at them and muttered something about trouble in paradise. John glared at her. Mr. Carson raised his eyebrow at her. John felt Anna's hand move into his lap. He took it. Her hands were so delicate, but so strong. Everything would be alright.

Long after everyone else had retired, John sat on a crate in the courtyard. Anna had not spoken to him, but her hand in his was comforting. She had left it there as long as she could. Hope was not lost. John had caressed it, flattened it, marveled at how small and smoother it was, linked his fingers with hers. She was right; losing his temper never solved anything. His rage had vanished as Anna walked away from him. The night air was crisp. Vera would not win. The sky was starless. He heard the door creaking, followed by soft and familiar footsteps. Anna, in her nightgown with her shawl wrapped around her, perched next to him.

"I thought you were in bed." He whispered into her hair. "It's so late." Her hair was so soft.

"It's not much later than we usually sit up." She took his hand. "And if you're not in bed, I don't want to be."

John sighed as Anna nestled under his arm. "Anna…I'm sorry…She just…and I…"

"I'm sorry too. I should have…" Her voice sounded small as it trailed off.

"No, that was exactly what I needed." John pulled her close.

"I was tempted to slap some sense into you."

"That might have helped." They looked at each other and smiled. Then kissed.

John sighed as Anna settled against him. "Hope is such a new thing for me, I didn't quite know what to do when disappointed." A bat swooped from the tower. "I should have taken my own advice."

Anna turned so she could see the sky. "You have to have hope. But in addition to hope, you have to have a plan." John looked to see if he could see what she could see. "Hope isn't always enough."

John sighed. A plan. He had heard someone, in his army days, remark that the American General Custer had a plan. It hadn't gone well. "It just, when I saw her writing and could hear her voice, and the contempt in it, seemed so hopeless."

He felt Anna shake her head. "But it isn't. We just need to be ready to fight. That's what Vera wants, and that's what she'll get." Anna turned so her lips were on his ears. "This is worth fighting for."

John knew it was, but hearing her say it confirmed it. She would say yes. If ever he were free. Everything with Vera had been a fight, even before the marriage disintegrated. John watched a cloud pass overhead. He was so so tired of fighting.

"And you won't be fighting alone." John felt his heart leap. He buried his face in Anna's hair. He could cry.

"I love you. And I'm sorry I implied you lacked hope."

Anna kissed his neck. "I appreciate that. And I have faith that Vera will, sooner or later, give you evidence. We'll just have to be patient." She picked up his hand and ran her fingers over his. "And we have to be ready. But we also have to be ready if she doesn't." She turned over his hand and drew on his palm with her finger. "And I love you too."

A fox stole into the courtyard. It looked thin and hungry. "That's the part that worries me. She's clever."

"I think, right now, the only thing we can do is wait, and be grateful for what we have. We have more than most people, most married people even, have. We have more that I ever dreamt we'd have. And it is far better than nothing. Like I've said, we just need to remember that, and be happy."

John was happy. He was content. He'd never felt so peaceful. He deserved happiness. The problem was it made him want more, much more. "You're right; this is far more than I ever thought would be possible." Slowly he trailed his fingers up her arm to her elbow. "But I want…I want more. And I want to think that more is possible." John pulled her closer, his hand gripping her just under her breast. "Do…do you?"

Anna looked away. She blinked rapidly. "Yes. Yes, I do want more."

She sighed and looked at her lap. "Sometimes….sometimes I want so much more I don't think I can stand it. Sometimes…" John heard a tremor in her voice. "But then I remember what we have. If Vera doesn't cooperate, we'll explore what other options there may be. When that time comes." Anna giggled. "My mother used to tell me that patience was a virtue."

"So did mine. I never believed her."

Anna sighed. "Sometimes though I think there's a risk of wanting something so much we focus on that, rather than on the present."

John rested his chin on her head. He was pondering her mention of other options. He would never let her be a party to adultery. He hoped Anna didn't think that was the only reason he wanted to marry her. It was certainly a factor, but far from the leading reason. He just wanted to share a life with her, on their own, not staying up too late out of doors or in disused outbuildings.

"Anna, I hope you don't think that the only reason I want to marry you is so we can…become lovers."

Silence. A cat darted out from behind another crate.

"No, I know it isn't. And I didn't suggest anything like that, did I?" She looked into the distance. "Though it definitely is a reason, for me at least."

John didn't know what to say. Again he felt his heart quiver and leap into his throat, but the fear that things might never progress was at that moment almost paralyzing. Anna leaned back against his chest, bending her neck so she could see him. She smiled. John leaned down and kissed her with such vigor she nearly slid off the crate. John pulled her to his lap. She wrapped her arms around his back, pressing herself closer as they continued to kiss. When John finally broke away he buried his face in her neck. She smelled so clean, with a hint of lavender and powder.

Bats were swooping from the turrets. John ran his hands along Anna's back and kissed her forehead. She settled into the crook of his arm and looked at the sky. John found the lump at the base of her neck and pressed the tension out of it until she gasped, his left arm wrapped tightly around her, just under her breasts.

"John, you scared me this afternoon."

He closed his eyes. Of course he had. Damn his temper. "Anna, I'm so sorry, I've fought my temper all my life. Usually I'm much more successful at controlling it, but Vera…"

"Exactly. Vera brings it out in you. That's what scared me. The fight hasn't even begun, and you were ready to give up." A dog barked from one of the cottages. "Obviously Vera knows exactly what it takes to get a rise out of you, and reacting like that, even if she isn't here to see it, just gives her power. We have to be calm, and ready. It won't be easy."

John wondered what would happen to him without Anna. The thought made him uncomfortable. "You're right. I'll work on it. I can do it."

"We can do it. If Vera wants a fight, that's what she'll get."

John chuckled. "I should teach you to play chess. Lord Grantham needs a new partner."

Anna giggled, then shivered.

"Would you like to go in?" He hoped she'd say no.

"No." John tucked her shawl more closely around her. "I want to stay here with you." He wished he hadn't left his jacket in the servants hall so he could put it on her. "I was wondering…" John hummed a yes. "Why did you marry Vera?"

John exhaled deeply. He wished he knew. Anna was looking up at him, her large eyes wide and deep. He knew why he married her. As much as he wished he didn't have to tell Anna, he knew he should try to explain what had happened. It made him look so base. Anna had said years ago that nothing she could find out would affect her opinion of him. The cat was having an altercation with another cat.

"Well, we met soon after I joined the army. Her brother had also recently joined up, and she was around much of time. She's Irish, and I knew my mother had wanted me to marry a nice Irish girl." John was never sure what reason she gave for her presence in a men-only establishment. "There was something about her…she wasn't beautiful, but she was…captivating. Exciting. I knew I should stay away from her, but I couldn't." He tucked a strand of hair that had escaped from her braid behind Anna's ear. "She is a few years older than me, and I had spent my entire life reading and envisioning romances like what I found in books." Some sort of bird called.

"Did you love her?"

"No. Yes. Sometimes." Why was that a such a difficult question? "It depends on what you mean by love. I felt nothing for Vera like I do for you, but sometimes I wonder if I would be able to love you the way I do were it not for Vera." Once John realized he had married Vera for the wrong reasons, he realized he wasn't sure what love was, and had been nervous about close relationships since, fearing a similar entrapment, fearing his own judgment. Until he found Anna, and found what was lacking. Anna squeezed his hand.

"Vera and I both had high hopes for our lives, and I thought that with the energy we had when we were together, anything was possible. We married, and moved to a small place near the barracks. It wasn't anything like what I had imagined." Anna pulled his arms tighter around her middle. "We both drank too much, and we would argue, over anything, and then fall into bed. We just couldn't get enough of each other." He sighed. "We fed off the energy."

"So what happened?" The cats were at it again. John wasn't sure it was a fight.

"I was sent to Africa. All this talk of the glory and honor of war is nonsense. It is organized killing, plain and simple." John swallowed. Anna squeezed his hand. "The other men, Lord Grantham included, all seemed to have happy homes and supportive wives they could talk to. My parents' marriage had been happy, and I had hoped for the same. I expected I would be able to talk to Vera about what I'd seen and done in Africa."

"But you couldn't." Rain was imminent.

"No. When I got back, well, we had both changed." Vera was cold. John didn't want to feel anything. "I tried to tell Vera about getting shot, but all she heard was the part where I wasn't getting promoted any higher and we would never be rich." John sighed. "Her ambitions had turned to full-fledged greed. She blamed me for being wounded. I was very angry. I was angry about not being able to walk properly, about the waste of the war and the things we'd done, and drank constantly. I needed to be totally numb."

"Your mother said you thought you'd ruined Vera's life." The morning birds were starting to sing.

"My mother doesn't know the whole story, but I did make promises to Vera I couldn't keep, like a life of ease and luxury. But we never wanted for anything, we were comfortable enough." But it was never enough. "The exciting part of Vera's personality had turned. She became sharp, bitter, and her temper was worse than mine. Anything would set her off, there was no way to know." He moved Anna's braid to her left shoulder so he could put his chin on her right. "I'm fairly certain that Vera isn't well, but I was too drunk then to think much about it. As it was, we had screaming fights almost every day which always ended with her throwing things at my head." Books. Plates. Whiskey bottles. "We brought out the absolute worst in each other. I discovered she was stealing from shops and then pawning what she'd taken. She said it was because I wasn't providing well enough. I was, but she wanted more. I found she'd taken at least one lover."

"Why?..."

"Because it didn't matter. I couldn't afford to divorce her, and it wasn't important that she be faithful to me. I never shared a bed with her after that, but I didn't give much thought to what she did. Then she stole the regimental silver. That was different." The sky was lightening with that melancholy pre-dawn greyness. "I'm not sure what she thought she was going to do with it. It would have ruined my career even if I had not opted to go to prison on her behalf. Everyone knew me for a drunkard, but this disgraced me. I was very good at drinking. There are weeks I don't remember, but I know I did what I was supposed to be doing. The military prides itself on honor and discipline, and Vera destroyed any semblance of that in my household."

"If she destroyed your career, why did you take the blame?" The cats emerged from behind the crate seeking breakfast.

"Vera had already ruined me, and I think in a moment of sober clarity I realized getting out was the only option. I thought it might be time to feel something. Prison gave me that option. It forced me to stop drinking, and I got away from Vera." He hadn't seen her since. "She never came on visitation day, which was preferable. She didn't write. I had hoped I was done with her." That didn't sound the way he wanted it to sound. "But I will deal with her, gladly, so we can be together."

Anna tilted back her head and kissed him. "And we will be together. But now, Mr. Bates," her eyes sparkled. "The sun is coming up. Shouldn't we go in before we scandalize Mr. Carson?"

"Yes, Miss Smith, I would hate to be responsible for his death." Neither moved. "So the plan is to be patient?"

"Can you think of a better one?" She ran her hand down his leg as she slid to her feet.

"No. And it will be worth it. I would be lost without you."