Thank you kindly to everyone who reviewed! It is always nerve-wracking entering a new fandom. I promise I will try to update this weekly (give or take a few days).

XXX

Later that evening, down in the Party Field below (as it was so aptly named) was held Bilbo's, well, party, wherein dear hobbits from all over the Shire were flocking towards the buffet table to get free cake and ice cream, whilst Gandalf's fireworks exploded in the sky above.

Samwise Gamgee, who had never seen a buffet so fine in his life, promptly jumped the queue and ate everything in sight. And still he bitched and moaned for more food. Bilbo rolled his eyes, and went to order takeaway.

Stumbling back towards the bar, the fat hobbit ordered several shots of vodka and downed them in startling succession. Through bleary eyes, he saw the comely figure of one Rosie Cotton, shaking her fine booty on the dance floor.

Frodo came over, and sat down, saying: "Go on Sam! Ask Rosie for a dance."

"Umm, no," said the fat hobbit, tearing his eyes away. "I think I'll just have another vodka."

Frodo laughed. "Oh no you don't. Go on!" And he pushed Sam onto the dance floor towards Rosie, who took him up on the offer and began to dance with him. Frodo laughed. Then his expression turned sour.

Sam had thrown up on the dance floor.

Gandalf meanwhile set off another firework, and watched it soar into the sky, fail to explode, then fall amidst a clump of nearby houses, explode, and set the whole street on fire. He glanced about conspiratorially, and then shuffled off to hide in the port-a-loos.

Bilbo was sat nearby, with a paperback copy of The Hobbit on his lap, reading to all the cute little hobbit children. He had a whole stack of copies on the table next to him, where Frodo was resignedly signing autographs for a very long queue (and at a reasonable price).

"Bilbo?" he said presently, signing Baggins once more with a flourish. "Why are you charging for these? I thought you had tons of money from your travels?"

"Ah yes, well, you know I had to buy back tons of things from the auction, and then there was all the new clothes and the dinner parties, not to mention the hot tub…" He reached into the folds of his jacket and stole a gulp from his flask of brandy. "I suppose I had less then I initially thought." He screwed the cap back on and looked about shiftily.

Frodo raised an eyebrow.

"Bilbo, can I see that flask a minute?"

"No. Why? What's wrong with it?" He leapt to his feet. "I don't have a problem! Who says I have a problem? What is this, the Spanish Inquisition?"

The next moment there was a jarring chord of music. Frodo and Bilbo both turned towards the source of the noise, expecting company, but nobody came. Frodo shrugged and looked back at the red faced hobbit in alarm.

"I… think you might have a problem, Bilbo."

The hobbit shook his head.

"Nonsense, I don't have an addictive personality!"

And then he bustled off to go drool over his Ring in private, on a totally unrelated matter.

XXX

Later that night, when the buffet was finished, (much to Sam's chagrin) and the birthday cake was being served, (much to Sam's delight) two mischievous hobbits named Meriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrin Took had snuck away from the crowds and were busy pilfering Gandalf's fireworks.

"Quickly!" hissed Merry, helping Pippin climb into the wizard's cart to reach them. Pippin picked one up. "No, no. The big one!"

He picked up one that was about eight feet long. They looked at each other and grinned.

"Merry?"

"Yes Pippin?"

"Do you think Gandalf is trying to make up for something?"

They both sniggered. Two minutes later they had snuck the huge firework inside a tent and lit it. Horror filled their faces.

"You're supposed to stick it in the ground!" hissed Merry.

"It is in the ground."

"Outside!"

"This was your idea!"

There was a strange stuttering sound. They both looked down, eyes agape.

"Pippin?"

"Yes?"

"Is the firework… upside down?"

"No!" Pippin folded his arms. "How dumb do you think I am?"

There was a rumbling sound. Sparks began flying in all directions.

"Okay," he conceded, "maybe it is upside down…"

"Run, you idiot!"

And they both fled out of the tent, screaming like sissies. There was a huge shudder and a blast, and in true Hollywood style they were both hurled through the air and bowled right into a rather agitated wizard, who was in the middle of eating a slice of birthday cake.

They all climbed back to their feet, covered in frosting. There was a huge smoking crater where the tent used to be.

"So," said Merry, "wanna go play Twister?"

XXX

It was time for The Speech of the evening. Everyone was so full of food and drink by this point, they were ready to listen to anything, and cheer at everything.

Bilbo climbed up onto the stage.

"YAY!"

He smiled.

"HOORAY!"

And cleared his throat.

"WOOT!"

And gave them all a rather suspicious look.

"ALRIGHT!"

"I hate you all," he said.

"BRAVO!"

"Ha," he said, grinning. "Gotcha!"

Their faces fell. Damn.

"My dear Bagginses and Boffins! Tooks and Brandybucks, Grubbs, Chubbs, Hornblowers, Bolgers, Bracegirdles and Proudfoots."

Dead silence. Bilbo frowned.

"You can cheer now."

"Ooh right."

He waved off their thunderous applause and catcalls.

"Today is my 111th birthday!" he cried.

"Well duh."

 "Alas," said Bilbo, "eleventy-one years is far too short a time to live among such excellent and admirable hobbits."

"Damn straight!"

"I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve."

"Come again?"

"Umm yeah." Bilbo put a hand in his pocket. Frodo frowned. "I'm gonna go now. I've put this off for far too long, mainly cause I wanted to milk you for all the birthday presents. Stupid hobbit traditions. Anyways, just wanted to say, before I go." He raised his finger, and gave them a malicious smirk. "Swivel on it punks!"

And then he vanished.

XXX

Quickly, Bilbo ran all the way back to Bag End, but not before sneaking to the Green Dragon and taking quite generously from their beer barrels. He really did have a problem you know. When he got inside the door he took off the Ring, flipped it into the air and slipped it back into his pocket.

"I suppose you think that was terribly clever," said Gandalf.

Bilbo nearly jumped out of his skin. The wizard was sitting on the table, with his arms folded crossly.

"Well, yes," he said. "Terribly, terribly clever." He stuck his nose up in the air, and marched off to go pack his things.

Gandalf raised an eyebrow.

"There are many magic rings in this world Bilbo Baggins and none of them should be used lightly."

"Oh, says you!" Bilbo marched over, and pulled up Gandalf's shirt. The wizard's ring was currently pierced through his navel.

"What?" said Gandalf, pulling his shirt back down. "It makes me look ten years younger!"

Bilbo just snorted.

"You will keep an eye on Frodo, won't you?"

Gandalf nodded.

"Two eyes, as often as I can spare them."

Bilbo smiled.

"I'm leaving everything to him."

"What about this Ring of yours, is that staying too?"

"Yes, yes. It's in an envelope over there on the mantelpiece." He stopped a moment. "No, wait, it's here in my pocket." He took it out, and looked hard at it. "Heh, isn't that, isn't that odd though? Yet, after all why not? Why shouldn't I keep it?"

"Cause, we need to drive the narrative along."

"We do?"

"Yes. It is a nine hour film trilogy you know."

Bilbo frowned.

"But I thought this story was about me!"

Gandalf rolled his eyes.

"Tough. Until someone gives up the rights to The Hobbit, this is the most screen time you are getting."

Bilbo folded his arms and sulked.

"It's always the way isn't it? Go on a rollercoaster of an adventure with a wizard and a bunch of dwarves to slay a dragon, and you get stepped all over in favour of a story about an evil Ring! Ooh, a piece of gold melded into a band is so scary! I mean, does no one want to hear how I single handedly slayed three trolls? Or how I put a spell of enchantment upon Smaug? Or of my brave and valiant deeds in the Battle of Five Armies? Noo, they wanna hear about poor, useless Frodo Baggins! At least I was able to avoid being stabbed, and at least I was able to freely give up the Ring! I mean, I never had someone like Sam to…"

Gandalf sighed, and put the hobbit's walking stick into his hand. Then he opened the front door and stood there, tapping his foot impatiently.

"…and I never got to meet tons of beautiful elf women who were stepping over themselves to give me gifts, and-"

"Bilbo!"

"Yes?"

"Just give up the Ring. You've made your bloody point."

With a frown, Bilbo reached into his pocket and took out the aforementioned evil piece of gold melded into a band.

"This is like my biggest scene in this trilogy Gandalf, so I wanna make it worthwhile." And he stood there, gazing down at the Ring, whilst his face went through an amazingly meticulous kaleidoscope of emotions, (just to demonstrate his acting range, in the chance that The Hobbit would be made into a motion picture in the future) from anger, to sadness, to happiness, to shock, to fear and to ambivalence.

Meanwhile, Gandalf had bustled off to go take a long bath. He appeared back in the room and plopped down in an armchair, with a mug of cocoa in his hand and a pair of fluffy slippers on his feet. After what seemed an eternity, Bilbo let the Ring slip from his palm. It hit the floor with an overly dramatic BOOM!

The hobbit turned away, and walked towards the door. Then he remembered something, and stepped back in.

"I've thought of an ending for my book," he said, smiling. "And he lived happily ever after to the end of his days."

Gandalf frowned.

"It's not very original."

"Oh shut up, Dumbledore!"

Gandalf scowled.

"Lord of the Rings was written before Harry Potter I'll have you know."

"Nonsense," said Bilbo. "Everyone knows Lord of the Rings was written by Peter Jackson."

Gandalf slapped himself in the forehead.

"Just go!"

Bilbo stepped out of the door, into the night. At the end of the path, he paused a moment, and then headed left.

"Bilbo!"

The hobbit jumped.

"Rivendell is to the right. That path leads to the Green Dragon."

Bilbo turned back, grinning.

"Ooh right, of course it is."

And he reluctantly set off to the left. Gandalf made a note to get Elrond to call an intervention, once the hobbit reached Rivendell.

XXX

So, with the dear old Bilbo bundled off to an elven AA meeting, Gandalf sat and mused for a while, staring into the fireplace, drawing on his pipe in an angst-filled way.

"Riddles in the Dark," he muttered.

Frodo came in.

"What did you just say Gandalf?"

The wizard waved a hand.

"I was just randomly quoting chapter titles."

"Ooh, can I join in?"

"Go nuts."

He puffed out his chest.

"Where is Bilbo? He just suddenly disappeared during A Long-Expected Party."

Frodo then noticed something, and bent down to pick up the Ring.

Gandalf smiled.

"He's gone to have Many Meetings with the Elves. He's left you Bag End along with all his possessions." He held out an envelope, and Frodo put the Ring inside it. Gandalf then licked it shut, and gave it back to Frodo. "The Ring is yours now. Put it somewhere out of sight."

The wizard started to leave.

"Where are you going?" cried Frodo.

"I'm going to have A Short Rest, and then eat some Roast Mutton whilst I go Over Hill and Under Hill to get some Inside Information."

"Huh?"

He sighed.

"I'm going on an overly long quest to find out about the Ring, which will take seventeen years, but due to the magic cinema will seem but a few short scenes."

 Gandalf patted Frodo on the shoulder and gave him a wink.

"Keep it secret. Keep it safe."

Frodo's eyes widened.

"GANDALF!"

The wizard groaned.

"Would you please not read sexual innuendo into every bloody line? Your uncle is bad enough!"

And he stormed out, still dressed in his bathrobe and slippers. Frodo opened his mouth for a moment, purposing to point this out to the wizard, and then shrugging, he shut the door, with half a mind to go and sample Bilbo's wine barrels.