Wow, thank you guys so much! •hands out cyber cookies• Been ill this week, so managed to get this chapter finished a little sooner. Enjoy!

XXX

Somewhere in the dungeons of Barad-dûr, a rather wretched creature called Gollum was being tortured. Amidst his screams, the sobs of depressed fangirls could be heard.

"Why?" they cried. "Why Tolkien? Why did you only let the ugly characters get tortured?"

And some of them continued to cry, whilst others took up signs and staged a protest outside Mordor, chanting: "One, two, three, four! Gollum torture is a bore! Five, six, seven, eight! Strider torture would be great!"

Sauron, watching from his tower, ordered the fangirls to be driven away with water hoses. Dripping wet and sulking, they marched off and decided to go find Strider and torture him themselves.

From Minas Morgul, Black Riders set forth, heading for the Shire.

XXX

Gandalf rode in rather a big hurry to the city of Minas Tirith. No-one was very welcoming on arrival. They seemed to be running about, toting fire extinguishers, and a man was hurled out of a window and fell right at Gandalf's feet amidst an almighty crash of glass.

He stood up and dusted himself off. Then, without so much as a shrug, ran back towards the building he had been thrown out of, crying: "I knew you cared, father!"

XXX

Down into the deepest vaults Gandalf was led, and he set to poring over innumerable scrolls and papers, with a nip of rum from his flask to keep his wits about him.

"dear diary," he read. "Dis is Isildoor. I found liek this really ebil ring. It's so shiny and purdy. Elrond showted at me 2 throw it away, but i ran away and hid it in my rooM. Its mine! And no one elzes. Ooh yer, and i accidentally dropped it in der fiar, and it got deese cul writing on eet. I reached into der fiar 2 get it owt, but set my sleeve on fiar. Now I have a boo boo. Isildoor is sad :("

Gandalf groaned, downed the entire flask, and promptly passed out.

XXX

In the dead of night, an unimportant hobbit was chopping firewood, for reasons absolutely no-one understood. Suddenly his dog began barking. The hobbit, startled by the noise, missed the piece of wood he was aiming for, and a mournful cry was heard, followed by a loud thud.

"Oops," said the hobbit, "sorry Lassie."

Looking up, he saw a Black Rider coming down the lane. It stopped in front of him and hissed: "Shire. Baggins."

"Huh?"

"Shire," it hissed again. "Baggins."

"I'm sorry, sir," said the hobbit, "but I'm a little hard of hearing. You'll have to speak up."

The Black Rider yelled: "I'm looking for a Mr. Baggins who lives in the Shire! Jesus! You hobbits are such idiots!"

"Ah," said the hobbit, grinning, "you're wanting Mr. Baggins then! He lives in the Shire!"

And the Black Rider just groaned, reached over, grabbed the axe out of the hobbit's hand, and chopped off the miserable creature's head.

"Damn extras," he muttered, galloping off.

XXX

Despite finding a large proportion of their beer barrels mysteriously empty that week, business at the Green Dragon was booming. And it was about 2am when they finally managed to offload the last stray partygoers and shut the doors for the night. Among these aforementioned partygoers were the slightly intoxicated Messurs Baggins and Gamgee, who stumbled out onto the doorstep of the tavern still clutching their half-drunken pitchers of ale, and arguing about a topic of which they had had no recollection for the past three hours.

"Yeah, well," said Sam, sloshing his beer over Frodo, "yo mama!"

Frodo just passed out.

At the door, framed by the light from within the tavern, there stood Rosie, smiling.

"Goodnight!" she called.

"Goodnight," said Sam, throwing her a hasty salute. And not looking where he was walking, he promptly tripped over the unconscious Frodo.

"Ow."

XXX

After getting lost three times, having a drunken fight, and falling into a ditch, Frodo and Sam finally made it home. Frodo walked up to his front door and found it ajar. Stepping into the darkness of Bag End, he suddenly felt a hand upon his shoulder.

"ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" he screamed. Turning around, he saw that it was Gandalf. "ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Quiet Frodo!" said the wizard. "Tell me - is it secret? Is it safe?"

The hobbit's eyes widened.

"Gandalf!" he gasped. "Well I never! You can't just come barging into my house spouting innuendos like that!" He collapsed into a chair.

The wizard nursed a rather painful hangover, and quietly said: "The Ring! Where is it?"

"Oh!"

And the hobbit got up, and scrambled over to a nearby chest. After emptying its contents, he found a key. Scurrying over to his desk, he unlocked a drawer and searched through it. Finding another key, he opened the other drawer and pulled out a third key. With this he opened a cupboard, and got out another key.

Gandalf went to go and make a very strong cup of coffee.

XXX

Four hours later, after going back and forth between the livingroom, the bedroom, the pantry, the kitchen, the sitting room, the bathroom, the reading room, the frontroom, the dungeon and the hallway, Frodo came back wielding a broom, and poked at a panel in the ceiling. He then climbed up on a ladder and brought down a box. Within this box lay the envelope containing the Ring.

"FINALLY!"

And Gandalf promptly grabbed the envelope and threw it in the fire.

"What are you doing?" gasped Frodo.

The wizard picked up a pair of tongs, and after a moment, retrieved the Ring from the fire.

"Hold out your hand Frodo," he said. "It's quite cool." He dropped the Ring into Frodo's hand.

The hobbit's face went a drastic shade of white. He then began to dance around the room, clutching his hand and screaming: "Hot! Hot! Hot!"

Gandalf dunked his coffee on Frodo. The hobbit just glared at him.

"What can you see?" asked Gandalf, gesturing to the Ring. "Can you see anything?"

"Nothing," said Frodo. "There's nothing... wait. There are markings! It's some form of elvish. I can't read it."

Gandalf frowned.

"There are few who can. The language is that of Mordor, which I will not utter here. Anyways, I'm pretty rusty."

"Mordor?"

The wizard nodded.

"In the common tongue it says, 'One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them. One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.'"

"Neat."

XXX

They both sat down and drank some tea, as you do when you realize you have in your possession the root of all evils.

"This is the One Ring," said Gandalf, "forged by the Dark Lord Sauron in the fires of Mount Doom. Taken by Isildur from the hand of Sauron himself."

Frodo was pouring tea, and listening so intently he poured it all over the table. Oblivious he said: "Bilbo found it. In Gollum's cave."

"Yes. For sixty years the Ring lay quiet in Bilbo's keeping, prolonging his life, delaying old age. But no longer Frodo. Evil is stirring in Mordor. The Ring has awoken. It's heard its master's call."

 Frodo frowned. "But he was destroyed. Sauron was destroyed."

"Pfft," said the Ring, "you wish."

They both looked over at the Ring, alarmed.

"No, Frodo. The spirit of Sauron endured. His life force is bound to the Ring and the Ring survived. Sauron has returned. His orcs have multiplied. His fortress of Barad-dûr is rebuilt in the land of Mordor. Sauron needs only this Ring to cover all the lands in a second darkness. He is seeking it. Seeking it, all his thought is bent on it. The Ring yearns above all else to return to the hand of its master. They are one, the Ring and the Dark Lord. Frodo, he must never find it."

Frodo was nodding intently.

The wizard sighed.

"You didn't understand a word I just said, did you?"

"Not a one."

Gandalf groaned.

"Okay. Sauron made this Ring, and he is bound to its fate. It is evil. While it survives, he survives… got it?"

The hobbit shook his head.

Gandalf tried not to scream.

"Okay," he said, picking up the salt. "This is Sauron, okay?" He picked up the pepper. "This is the Ring."

Frodo frowned.

"Shouldn't the Ring be the Ring?"

"DO YOU WANT TO KNOW THE BLOODY PLOT OR NOT?"

"Fine," said Frodo. "Plot away!"

And Gandalf went into a rather lengthy rendition of the defeat of Sauron and of the fate of the Ring of Power, using everything from knives and forks to pieces of cheese to represent different characters.

"….and so the Ring came to you!" said Gandalf, collapsing into his chair, breathless from his very thorough plot exposition.

"I have one question," said Frodo.

Gandalf tried to keep himself from exploding.

"Yes?"

"Who's Sauron?"

The resulting scream was heard in Valinor.

XXX

Once Frodo had finally grasped the situation, he began to freak out mightily.

"Alright," he said, darting back and forth, trying to find his ladder. "We put it away. We keep it hidden. We never speak of it again. No one knows it's here, do they? Do they Gandalf?"

"Sorry kiddo. Gollum blabbed." And the wizard put on a screechy voice and said: "Shire! Baggins!"

"Shire… Baggins… But that will lead them here!"

"Well duh."

XXX

On a violent rampage, the Black Rider galloped towards Hobbiton, and sliced off another hobbit head. He'd ended up beating the location of Baggins out of someone. The world was full of idiots.

XXX

Meanwhile, back in Bag End:

"Take it Gandalf!" cried Frodo. "Take it!"

"No Frodo."

"You must take it!"

"You cannot offer me this Ring!"

"I'm bloody well giving it to you!" yelled Frodo. "I'll even get it gift-wrapped I swear!"

"Don't tempt me Frodo!" hissed Gandalf. "I dare not take it. Not even to keep it safe. Understand Frodo, I would use this Ring from the desire to do good. But through me, it would wield a power too great and terrible to imagine."

"So? It would be a good laugh."

Gandalf pounded his head off the wall.

"Do I need to explain this all to you again?"

"Nah," said the hobbit, "let's just find some idiot to take the Ring out of the Shire."

There was silence.

"Ah screw it," said Frodo. "I'll go."

XXX

The hobbit hurriedly packed for his journey.

"You must leave," said Gandalf. "And leave quickly."

"Where? Where do I go?"

"Get out of the Shire."

"Yes, we've already established that…"

Gandalf thought a moment.

"Make for the village of Bree."

"Bree," he repeated. "What about you?"

"I'll be waiting for you, at the Inn of the Prancing Pony."

"Gandalf, this is hardly the time to be going down the pub..."

The wizard shrugged.

"Maybe we can shirk the Ring off on some drunken Breelander."

Frodo nodded.

"Good idea. And the Ring will be safe there?"

"I don't know Frodo."

"Well you're just a well of knowledge, aren't you?"

Gandalf shook his head.

"I don't have any answers. I must see the head of my order. He is both wise and powerful. Trust me Frodo, he'll know what to do. You'll have to leave the name of Baggins behind you, for that name is not safe outside the Shire. Travel only by day. And stay off the road."

Frodo picked up his walking stick, and donned a sunhat.

"I can cut across country easily enough," he said.

Gandalf suddenly smiled.

"My dear Frodo. Hobbits really are amazing creatures! You can learn all that there is to know about their ways in a month, and yet after a hundred years, they can still surprise you."

Suddenly there was a rustling outside the window. They both exchanged a glance.

"Don't mind me!" said a voice. "I'm just a lowly bush, rustling in the wind. Wooo!" And the talking bush suddenly began to imitate a ghost. Gandalf rolled his eyes, and pulled Samwise Gamgee out of the foliage and in through the window.

"Confound it all, Samwise Gamgee! Have you been eavesdropping?"

Sam shook and stuttered: "I haven't been droppin' no eves sir, honest. I was just cutting the grass under the window there, if you follow me."

"Then why have we not heard the sound of your lawnmower in hours?"

Sam thought quickly.

"Well sir, it ran out of fuel you see, and being as loyal to Mr. Frodo as I am, well, I'm ashamed to say I started trimming it with my teeth."

Frodo and Gandalf exchanged a look.

"Seriously," said Sam, and he opened his mouth to reveal a wad of half-chewed grass.

"I'm not surprised," said Frodo. "You'll eat anything Sam."

The fat hobbit eyed the Ring on the table.

"No, Sam!"

"What did you hear?" asked Gandalf. "Speak!"

Sam barked.

Frodo groaned.

"N-n-n-nothing important," said Sam. "That is I heard a good deal about a Ring and a Dark Lord and something about the end of the world but… please, Mister Gandalf sir, don't hurt me. Don't turn me into anythin'… unnatural."

"No," said Gandalf. "Perhaps not. I have thought of a better use for you…"

"Ooh, what is it? Chocolate taster? Assistant at the Playboy mansion?"

Gandalf just knowingly smiled.

XXX

"Luggage carrier? Oh come on!"

Gandalf swung his staff at the fat hobbit toting all of Frodo's suitcases. He ducked just in time.

"Come along Samwise, keep up!" The three stumbled along in the dim light, and entered a nearby forest. "Be careful both of you. The enemy has many spies in his service; birds, beasts."

An owl alighted on a nearby tree. Gandalf produced a shotgun and blasted it off its perch. The hobbits gaped at him in horror.

He shrugged.

"Better to be safe than sorry." He turned to Frodo. "Is it safe?" A gasp. "I mean the Ring!"

"Ooh right. Yes indeedy." He patted his pocket. His face dropped. "Wait a minute." He went through all his pockets. "Oh barnacles, I coulda sworn I brought it with me…"

Sam suddenly coughed. Something hit the ground. Frodo bent down and picked up a saliva-covered Ring.

"Sam, did you just try and eat the Ring?"

"I was hungry!"

Gandalf suddenly felt the need to pray.

"Never put it on," he told Frodo, indicating the Ring, "for the agents of the Dark Lord will be drawn to its power. Always remember, Frodo, the Ring is trying to get back to its master. It wants to be found."

"Damn straight," said the Ring.

And Gandalf got on his horse and galloped off, in an extremely majestic and film worthy manner, with a huge swell of orchestral music, whilst many shed a tear at the beauty of the moving picture.

Then he came back, and said: "Oops, forgot my hat."

He shuffled off once more. Both Sam and Frodo sweatdropped.