Wow. Thank you for all of the reviews, guys! You rock ^^ In answer to the query about the extended editions… I decided to parody the theatrical version of the movies because I am lazy XD But that does not mean that there will not be jokes at the extended edition's expense!

This chapter was written at about 3am, under the influence of a lot of Coca Cola. I think it might just show.

XXX

Later that day, Frodo found himself in Bilbo's room. Frankly, he had been just a little disturbed when his uncle had asked to see him, alone, after the Council. There had been a scary look of lust in his eyes. So it was with a sense of relief that he watched Bilbo take out his souvenirs from his past journey.

"My old sword, Sting!" he said, grinning. "Here! Take it, take it!"

Frodo unsheathed the sword, and held it up to the light.

"Ooh, shiny!"

"Yes, yes," said Bilbo. "Made by the elves you know. The blade glows blue when orcs are close. And it's at times like that my lad when you'll have to be extra careful!"

He brought out a chain mail shirt next. Frodo's eyes bulged with wonder.

"Here's a pretty thing… Mithril! As light as a feather! And as hard as dragon scales! Let me see you put it on. Go on."

Freaked by his uncle's urging to take off his shirt, Frodo stepped back a little, and began to unbutton his lapel. The Ring was hanging about his neck.

"Oh... M-my old Ring! Oh well… I sh-sh-should very much like to hold it again, one last time."

Raising an eyebrow, Frodo buttoned up his shirt again. If he wasn't careful, Bilbo would probably rip off his shirt to get the Ring, and then sweaty hobbit shenanigans would ensue. He wondered silently just how long it had been since Bilbo got laid.

Suddenly Bilbo's face changed, and he lashed out for the Ring. Frodo backed away, shocked by his uncle's frankness. No wonder it had been so long since he last saw action. The guy was an animal.

And then came the waterworks.

"I'm sorry I brought this upon you my boy," Bilbo wept. "I'm sorry that you must carry this burden. I'm sorry for everything!"

Frodo came forward, still cautious, and put a hand on Bilbo's shoulder. Then, he reached into his pocket, and took out a laminated card, sporting a picture of a comely young hobbit lass.

"Call this number. Tell them Frodo sent you."

XXX

The newly-formed Fellowship left Rivendell. They skipped merrily out of the hidden valley, and went out into the icky wild, where it was windy and cold, and Legolas bemoaned the lack of even passed a pretty Elven ruin thingy. Legolas wasted quite a few hours there, searching for the hair brush he had left amidst the grass a few millennia ago. In the end Aragorn had threatened to take all of his cosmetics and throw them off the side of the mountain. They soon carried on.

Eventually they rested atop a rocky hill.

"We must hold this course west of the Misty Mountains for 40 days," explained Gandalf, using his magical power of voice over. "If our luck holds the Gap of Rohan will still be open to us. From there our road turns east to Mordor."

Sam skewered some sausages, and brought them over to Frodo, who was sitting on a rock, watching Boromir and the hobbits training. And thinking that maybe they were getting a little too friendly.

"Two, three, four, five," said Boromir, crossing blades with Pippin. "Good, very good."

Aragorn sat nearby, smoking his pipe, and feeling a little woozy. He'd stolen some leaf from Merry's pack, and was wondering what exactly was in this Longbottom stuff.

"Move your feet," he said, then grinned stupidly. The sky was very coloury and prettyful today. And then, for no reason at all, he suddenly passed out.

Merry complimented his cousin: "That's good, Pippin."

"Thanks!"

But Boromir was not satisfied yet. "Faster!" he urged, and the two hobbits, the dwarf and the wizard sitting nearby faced away, and dreaded to turn and see what they were up to.

Gimli cleared his throat orcwardly. (Geddit? Orc? Awkward? Ah, forget it.)

"If anyone was to ask for my opinion, which I note they're not, I'd say we were taking the long way round. Gandalf, we could pass through the Mines of Moria. My cousin Balin would give us a royal welcome."

"No Gimli!" said Gandalf, smacking him on the head like a disobedient dog. "I would not take the roads through Moria unless I had no other choice. Or if they installed air conditioning. It can get bloody hot down there sometimes."

A few paces away, Legolas stood on a rock and let the wind blow dry his hair. He missed his hairdryer, but he'd been forced to leave it back in Mirkwood. There were too few places to plug it in out in the wild. He found it all very crude and outlandish. No electrical outlets? Then where did people plug in their hot wax strip unsightly hair removers? No wonder they looked like hairballs with legs, or in Gimli's case, legs with hairballs.

Meanwhile the cacophony of ecstasy continued: "Come on. Good," cried Boromir.

"Aaaah!" he said.

"Sorry!" said Boromir. "I got carried away."

Pippin clambered off him, did up his belt, and kicked Boromir in the shin.

"Aaaah!" said Boromir.

"Get him!" said Merry, and both hobbits jumped on the man and began to grope him. Boromir howled with laughter. Aragorn, woke up again, and laughed too, but did not know what was so funny. But the sky was still very prettyful though.

"For the Shire!" said Merry, grinning.

"Hold him! Hold him Merry!" Pippin was by now getting some rather kinky thoughts.

Merry was not done with foreplay however: "He's got my arm! He's got my arm!"

Sam was about ready to bite off his own hand, and so he tried to change the subject of conversation. "What is that?" he said, taking note of something upon the breeze. Legolas had not even bothered to mention it. Some lookout he was.

"Nothing," said Gimli. "It's just a whiff of cloud."

Boromir stood up, and pushed the groping hobbits away. "It's moving fast… against the wind."

Legolas suddenly caught on, and said: "Crebain from Dunland!" They all stared at him a moment. "Evil bird things."

"Oh."

"Hide!" cried Aragorn. The others scrambled into the bushes. He frowned. He hated Hide and Seek when he was 'it'.

"Aragorn!" hissed Frodo, and he pulled him down into a bush with him. The evil bird things wheeled ahead a moment, and then flew away again to report their findings to George Lucas, but not before they had completely ruined Legolas' brand new tunic. He cried for hours, then went and changed into his spare, complaining that he only had 50 more racks of clothing to last him the trip.

"Spies of Saruman!" said Gandalf. "The passage south is being watched. We must take the Pass of Cara-Carr-Carrad…"

"Caradhras!" offered Aragorn, who promptly passed out again.

Sam frowned. "Do we have to?"

"Yes!"

"But, what-"

"YES!"

XXX

So, despite Sam's protests, they climbed that snowy mountain thing, and it was cold with a capital 'k'. And Frodo, bless his hairy hobbit feet, fell over in the snow and landed right in front of Aragorn, who pulled him up with a sigh.

"This is the last time!" he said, rubbing at his forehead. "I have the worst headache ever, and I'm sick of carrying people through the snow. Y'know, maybe sometimes I would like to be carried? You never thought of that did you? Ungrateful, stupid, idiotic little-"

"Boromir!" said Frodo.

"Boromir?"

"Yes Boromir."

"Boromir?"

"Boromir!" said Sam.

Aragorn was confused. "Boromir?"

"BOROMIR!" shouted Boromir. "Geez, Aragorn, for a future king you can be frightfully simple sometimes… Ooh shiny." He picked up the Ring where it had fallen, and held it up to the light. "It is a strange fate we should suffer so much fear and doubt over so small a thing… such a little thing." And dude, he was drawn to that Ring like Samwise Gamgee is drawn to a buffet.

"Boromir!" said Aragorn, finally understanding.

"WHAT?" shouted Boromir. "Why does everyone keep saying my name?"

"Give the Ring to Frodo." Grudgingly, Boromir walked over to Frodo, and the glare that Aragorn was giving him sent chills up his spine. If not for the freezing snow, he would've taken him there and then on the slopes of Cara-Carr-Carrad…

Frodo grabbed the Ring, and the spell was broken.

"As you wish," said Boromir, ruffling the hobbit's hair. "I care not." He gave Aragorn one last look, and then heaved his shield onto his shoulder and turned away, hoping to give him an eyeful of his fine Gondorian booty.

And they all continued on.

XXX

The evil bird things had reported back to Saruman, and he was mightily pleased.

"So, Gandalf," he purred. "You try to lead them over Car... the mountains. And if that fails, where then will you go? If the mountain defeats you will you risk a more dangerous road?"

He stood in thought mode for a time, and then, with a slight giggle said: "Fly my pretties, fly!" And the evil bird things wheeled away into the air, and he beamed with pride. "I've always wanted to do that."

XXX

The Fellowship plodded through the snow, and Aragorn grumbled mightily as he carried Frodo and Sam. The pipe weed had all but worn off now, and he was as cold as Arwen's glance.

Legolas, however, was having a whale of a time, moon walking up the slopes, thanks to his nifty Elven ability to walk on top of snow. Boromir put out his leg and sent him crashing face first into the ground. He was cold and horny and miserable, and certainly did not want to hear Legolas singing 'Billy Jean' all damn day.

Suddenly a fell voice was on the air:

Cuiva nwalca Carnirasse; nai yarvaxea rasselya!

"A fell voice is on the air!" said Legolas, helpfully.

"It's Saruman!" answered Gandalf.

Suddenly there was a huge avalanche, and everyone dodged out of its way. Boromir tried to push Legolas over the side in the confusion, but the elf's hair got caught in his armour and he was, unfortunately, dragged to safety. But that didn't stop him singing 'Greensleeves' in the silence that followed.

"WTF?" said Boromir, enraged. "That song doesn't even exist in this world you muppet!"

Gimli frowned.

"What's a muppet?"

Aragorn yelled over them: "He's trying to bring down the mountain! Gandalf, we must turn back!"

"No!" Gandalf sobbed, rising and chanting out a counter spell. "Losto Cara…mountain thing, sedho, hodo, nuitho i 'ruith! Sleep Cara…mountain thing, be still, lie still, hold your wrath!"

XXX

Miles away, on top of Orthanc, Saruman chanted: "Cuiva nwalca Carnirasse; Nai yarvaxea rasselya; taltuva notto-carinnar!" which, roughly translated, came back as 'Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah!"

XXX

A fork of lightning suddenly rent the sky, and struck the mountain with a huge crash.

"AVALANCHE!" yelled Pippin.

They all scrambled from the edge again, but this time they were buried. Legolas cried: "Anyone who is dead say I!"

Silence.

And so they all dug themselves from the drift, whilst Legolas went into a rather lengthy rendition of 'Carmen'.

Boromir was distraught: "We must get off the mountain! Make for the Gap of Rohan and take the west road to my city!"

 "The Gap of Rohan takes us too close to Isengard!" argued Aragorn. "Plus the Rohirrim are mean."

"With no dress sense," said Legolas.

"Or deodorant," said Merry.

"Or cable," mourned Sam.

"Or orchards," said Pippin, suddenly craving an apple.

"If we cannot pass over a mountain," said Gimli, "let us go under it. Let us go through the mines of Moria."

Gandalf suddenly went all angsty.

XXX

Saruman was suddenly back in his chamber, having taken the express lift down from the tower. The food was bad, the seats uncomfortable, and the in-flight movie was a Doug McClure. He really had to fire those orc engineers.

"You fear to go into those mines," he said to Gandalf, through way of some freaky telepathic power. "The dwarves delved too greedily and too deep. You know what they awoke in the darkness of Khazad-dûm: shadow and flame!" He then suddenly had a craving for pie, and his thought process became: "I want pie. Pie is nice. Boromir is nice too. I want Boromir's Gondorian booty. Stupid sexy Aragorn."

XXX

Suddenly Gandalf's mind had turned to pie. But he shook himself out of it and said: "Let the Ringbearer decide. Frodo?"

"Why the hell do I have to decide?" said the hobbit. "It's always Frodo-do-this, Frodo-destroy-that. What the hell is wrong with you people? I can't even get into R-rated movies and you expect me to save the world?" They all just stared at him (well, everyone but Legolas, who was flossing his teeth with his bowstring) and he sighed. "We will go through the mines."

"So be it," said Gandalf. "Let's hope the dwarves have pie…"