I have nothing against Frodo or Legolas, I swear. Teehee. Ooh, and I'd love to make some Kingdom of Heaven jokes, Kameko, but I'm afraid I've only seen the movie once and I have a memory like a sieve XD

Hope everyone had a nice Christmas! Obviously the holidays are why there was a delay in my posting this chapter, but hopefully you will forgive me :p

XXX

So, after a lot of backtracking, and a lot of 'I-told-you-so's' from Samwise Gamgee, the Fellowship arrived at the walls of Moria, whilst the audience pondered why they had even bothered to try the pass of Caradhras in the first place. After all, anyone with a half a brain could see that the Mines of Moria offered much more opportunity for highlight reel worthy action sequences, not to mention a huge saving on the lighting budget.

Gimli, eager to see the handiwork of his ancestors, rushed to the front of the group, and his eyes widened in awe.

"The walls of Moria!" he gasped. The others just grunted. They didn't really give a damn. They'd slogged their way up a mountain and then down again, and had had to listen to Gandalf going on about pie the whole way. They were about ready to eat each other, and unbeknownst to Gimli, he had already been singled out as tonight's supper. That is, unless they found some food very soon.

So, very carefully, they picked their way around a freaky-looking lake which stood in front of the walls. Frodo nearly fell head first into the water, to the surprise of absolutely no one.

Aragorn sighed.

"You should really get some health insurance."

Frodo just gasped, and jerked his foot out of the waters.

"Why?" asked the hobbit, wide-eyed with fear. "Nothing else bad is gonna happen to me, is it?"

Aragorn looked about shiftily.

"Um, sorry Frodo, I think I left the iron on."

And the ranger promptly skedaddled.

Meanwhile, Gandalf had found the place for the doors, but none of them could actually see a door. They were all beginning to wonder if Gandalf's mind was really all there.

"Now, let's see..." rambled the wizard. "Ithildin; it mirrors only starlight and moonlight…"

And lo and behold, the moon peeked from behind the clouds, and the doors shone with a sudden brilliance.

Gandalf beamed.

"It reads: 'The doors of Durin - Lord of Moria. Speak friend and enter.'"

"What do you suppose that means?" asked Merry.

"Oh it's quite simple," said Gandalf, feeling cocky. "If you are a friend you speak the password and the doors will open." He cleared his throat, and set the end of his staff against the door. "Annon Edhellen edro hi ammen! Gate of the Elves, open now for me!"

But the doors did not budge. Boromir snickered. Gandalf smacked him with his staff, and then tried to push the doors open with it, but to no avail.

"Push harder!" said Sam.

"No," argued Pippin, "lever it open with branches!"

"Sing it a song!" said Frodo.

"Use Legolas' toothpicks to pick the lock," Boromir suggested.

The elf glared at him and flicked back his hair.

"They are for dental hygienic purposes ONLY!"

Aragorn rolled his eyes: "Just smash it to pieces with Gimli's axe."

"That won't work," said Gimli, slightly affronted. "Have you not heard the legends? Dwarf doors are not made to be broken!"

Boromir sighed.

"Here we go with the legends of the dwarves again…"

Gimli rounded on him.

"Do you wanna piece of me?"

"You think you can take me?"

"WILL YOU ALL PLEASE JUST SHUT THE HELL UP?"

They all turned to look at the wizard, who was red-faced with anger.

"Are we going to stand around like idiots, or are we going to go into the Mines?"

They all just shrugged.

"Oh, for cripe's sake." Gandalf sat down on a rock and moped. "Screw you all. I'm catching the next Balrog out of this movie."

XXX

Time passed. And passed. And passed. Everybody sat about, impatiently waiting for Gandalf to open the doors. Pippin was sharpening his fork, and eyeing Gimli with a watering mouth.

Over by the water's edge, Aragorn was unloading Bill the pony, who had utilized his five minutes of fame.

"The mines are no place for a pony," he said. "Even one so brave as Bill."

Sam burst into tears, and held onto Bill's neck for dear life, crying into his mane. Aragorn went to pull him off, but Sam elbowed him in the face. It took four of them to drag him off in the end. Samwise Gamgee was as desperate to keep that pony as, well, Samwise Gamgee was desperate to get to a buffet.

Bored, Merry began to throw stones into the water. Pippin did the same, until Aragorn caught hold of his arm and stopped him.

"Do not disturb the water!" he said, sexily.

The hobbit frowned.

"Why not?"

Aragorn sighed.

"Did neither of you see the sign?" And he gestured towards a rather prominent sign which was stood by the water's edge, emblazoned with the words: 'Even hideous tentacled sea monsters need their sleep, kthanxbye.'

"Oops," said Pippin. "Sorry."

Meanwhile, Gandalf had finally given up, and plopped down on a rock. Frodo got up though, and was suddenly struck by a thought: "It's a riddle. 'Speak 'friend' and enter.' What's the Elvish word for friend?"

"Mellon," said Gandalf.

There was a creaking sound, and slowly the doors opened. They all stood up in relief. Gandalf however, took up his staff and cracked Frodo on the head with it.

"Fool of a Baggins! You could've said something earlier!"

The hobbit rubbed at his head, scowling.

"Hey, gimme a break, okay? I have a lot on my mind. Besides, the audience figured it out about ten minutes ago."

And so they all entered the darkness of Moria, whilst Frodo nursed the growing bump which was now protruding from amidst his mass of curls.

"So," said Pippin, who jogged forwards to walk alongside the hobbit, "you wanna go catch a movie or something?"

"What about the quest?"

"Ooh right."

A little ways behind them, Gimli nudged Legolas and said: "Soon master elf you will enjoy the fabled hospitality of the dwarves. Roaring fires… malt beer… ripe meat off the bone!"

Legolas crinkled his nose.

"Sounds like Woodstock."

The dwarf waved a dismissive hand.

"This, my friend, is the home of my cousin Balin. And they call it a mine." He laughed. "A mine!"

"This is no mine," said Boromir in horror. "It's a tomb!"

And they finally noticed all of the extremely obvious corpses littering the floor. Gimli ran over to one and sobbed in anguish.

Aragorn scowled, and clouted the grieving dwarf over the head.

"It's been over sixty years since you last spoke to your cousin. Did you not even slightly suspect that something was wrong?"

"Well," said Gimli. "The last time we spoke I said his beard was ridiculously short. I thought he was just sulking."

"For sixty years?"

"Hey, Balin can be a moody git sometimes."

Gandalf just frowned.

"Does this mean we don't get any pie?"

They all began to shift about nervously. Legolas knelt down and inspected one of the bodies.

"I think this guy is dead," he murmured.

Boromir rolled his eyes.

"What gave it away? His festering, decaying corpse or the arrows embedded in his torso?"

The elf did not answer, but picked up something which lay on the ground nearby.

"Apparently he's a donor."

Frodo folded his arms and scowled.

"D'ya think maybe we could get out of the scary room full of rotting corpses, huh?"

Boromir and Aragorn - who had struck up an impromptu game of football with one of the skulls – stopped and had a think.

"Well, there's an idea."

"I'll say," said Legolas, who began to tremble. "The blonde chick is always the first to get it..."

And they all drew their swords, backing out of the door with much haste. But none of them noticed the waters stirring behind them.

Something lunged out of the water and grabbed Frodo's ankle.

"Help me!" squealed the hobbit, who was dragged towards the water's edge on his belly.

"Can you not rescue yourself?" growled Sam. "You've got a perfectly capable sword right there."

"But I'm the hero," whined Frodo. "I can't be expected to do anything myself! I have deep emotional turmoil concerning an all-powerful evil to deal with, dammit!"

Sam scowled.

"Don't you go all emo on me, Mr. Frodo!"

The overly angsty hobbit's upper lip started to quiver. Sam tried to look away, but it was no use.

"Damn those beautiful blue eyes!" he hissed. And he lunged forwards and hacked at the tentacle which had hold of Frodo's ankle. "Get off him!"

The creature recoiled a second, then appeared again, shoving everyone aside in order to grab Frodo, who was hoisted up into the air, dangling upside down. The Watcher then loomed fully out of the water – an ancient creature who dwelled in the lake, and when woken up from his evening nap became extremely cranky.

"WHO DARES DISTURB MY SLUMBER?"

The hobbit's knees began to tremble.

"E-Err… It is I, Frodo Baggins."

Gandalf stamped his foot.

"Would everyone please stop with the Aladdin quotes?"

Frodo folded his arms and glared, still hanging upside down.

"Could you please stop bitching about the script and help me?"

The Watcher growled.

"Could you all please stop with your incessant nattering? Can you not read the sign? I am trying to sleep here!"

But nobody was listening. They were all running about, panicking like headless chickens (all except Legolas, who was too busy grooming himself).

"Aragorn!" screamed Merry, who was presently hiding under a rock. "Do something!"

"Geez," said the ranger. "I'm coming. Keep your furry hobbit feet on!"

Legolas stopped grooming himself for a second, and shot at one of the tentacles. Boromir and Aragorn started slicing the others with their swords. Frodo fell with a loud: AIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!

Boromir, who was stood below him in the perfect position to catch the falling hobbit, whistled innocently and stepped to the side. The hobbit fell into the water with a splash.

"Into the Mines!" shouted Gandalf. Everyone rushed in, even Frodo, who picked himself up, dripping wet, and glared at Boromir, who was too busy drooling over a wet and dripping Aragorn to care.

"Legolas!" he shouted, shaking himself from his lustful staring. "Aim for his eye! Come on!"

And with a chachooooom! Legolas let loose an arrow, and it shot straight into the Watcher's eye with the beauty of bullet-time photography. Then he shot another arrow, which went straight down the creature's throat. A loud swallowing noise followed, and then a dull rumble.

The Watcher exploded.

KABOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMM!

And in typical Hollywood fashion, the nine members of the Fellowship dived, in slow motion, inside Moria with a loud chorus of Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!'s

Jackson slapped himself in the forehead.

"Goodbye artistic integrity."

XXX

For a moment, all they could see was darkness. As they picked themselves up, they were aware that the doorway behind them had crumbled and blocked up the exit. They were trapped.

"LEGOLAS?" screamed Boromir, shaking the elf by the collar. "What the hell was that?"

"Dynamite-laden tip," said the elf. "Very useful for large targets."

They all just stood there, with their mouths on the floor. All except Aragorn, who was busy drooling over a wet and dripping Boromir. It was a good job he was wet from the lake water, otherwise Merry would have questioned the puddle of drool that he promptly slipped on.

Unfazed, Gandalf lit up the end of his staff with a handy 60-walt light bulb.

"We now have but one choice," he said. "We must face the long dark of Moria. Be on your guard. There are older and fouler things than orcs in the deep places of the world."

Boromir muttered something which sounded suspiciously like 'dwarves.' Gimli promptly kicked him in the shin.

"Quietly now," said Gandalf. "It's a four-day journey to the other side. Let us hope that our presence may go unnoticed."

"What?" said Pippin, who had been distracted by the wizard's shiny light.

"I said: Let us hope that our presence may go unnoticed."

Merry nudged Pippin in the ribs.

"What did Gandalf just say? I wasn't paying attention."

"He said something about presents, I think."

The wizard turned around with a scowl.

"I said: LET US HOPE THAT OUR PRESENCE MAY GO UNNOTICED!"

The echoes of Gandalf's yell bounced off the walls, and reverberated into every nook and cranny of Moria.

Frodo slapped himself in the forehead.

"The world is doomed."

XXX

So they began their journey in the dark, wherein they amassed many a bruised toe and a scraped knee. Legolas annoyed everyone by hogging the light, complaining that he needed it to be able to apply his mascara. Aragorn promptly took his mascara and threw it into a chasm, and if not for the strength of Gandalf and Boromir holding him back, the sobbing elf would have jumped in after it.

They then climbed some very steep stairs, full of gaping holes that plunged down towards unfathomable depths. By the time they reached the top, they were all barely hanging on by their fingertips, covered with scrapes, bumps and bruises. Gimli was so out of breath he had to don an oxygen mask.

And then they noticed the escalator. Gimli threw his oxygen mask over the side in a rage, tank and all.

And so, with much lower morale, they reached a crossroads, with three different paths. Gandalf stopped.

"I have no memory of this place." He then turned around and looked at the Fellowship in confusion. "Who the bloody hell are you people?"

And they all groaned, realizing Gandalf had gone completely senile.

XXX

"Are we lost?"

"No."

"I think we are."

"Shhh! Gandalf's thinking."

"Merry?"

"What?"

"I'm hungry."

"Well go eat Gimli, then!"

They were all sat by the crossroads resting, whilst Gandalf tried to recall the way. They didn't hold out much hope though. He kept pointing his staff at Frodo, thinking it was a remote control and demanding: "Where's my bingo?"

"There's something down there," whispered Frodo, noticing something crawling about in the darkness.

"WHAT?" yelled Gandalf, who was becoming a little hard of hearing. "You're wearing purple underwear?"

Frodo stamped on his foot. The pain of it brought the wizard back to his senses, for a time.

"What is that down there?"

"It's Gollum."

"Gollum?"

"He's been following us for three days."

Frodo gaped. "He escaped the dungeons of Barad-dûr?"

"Escaped?" said Gandalf. "Or set loose?"

"No, I said he'd escaped. Idiot."

Gollum climbed a conveniently placed ladder, and watched them, letting out a low hiss. How dare they limit his screen time?

"He hates and loves the Ring," explained Gandalf. "As he hates and loves himself. He will never be rid of his need for it."

"It's a pity Bilbo didn't kill him when he had the chance!"

"Pity?" said Gandalf. "It was pity that stayed Bilbo's hand. Many that live deserve death, and some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them, Frodo?"

"Er, no. Shoot."

"Do not be too eager to deal out death in judgement. Even the very wise cannot see all ends." He turned around, and shook a fist at the camera. "You hear that, Texas?" Then he coughed, and turned back to Frodo. "My script tells me that Gollum has some part to play yet, for good or ill, before this is over. The pity of Bilbo may rule the fate of many."

Gollum slinked away, seething.

"I wish the Ring had never come to me," said Frodo. "I wish none of this had happened."

Gandalf rolled his eyes.

"For Eru's sake, what do ya want? A lollipop? A pat on the back? You're the Ringbearer for crying out loud. Stop your whining. You applied for the job in the first place, with all its perks and its hazards. We knew it would lead to some sticky business, so we buttered you up with the free toaster oven."

Frodo scowled, and pushed aside the aforementioned toaster oven, in which he was making bagels.

"Hey you, I've been pushed off a cliff, stabbed, harassed, chased, thrown, and just been thrown about like a rag doll. I think I'm entitled to a little sympathy here."

Gandalf smiled kindly.

"Well tough. You've got two more films of this so get used to it. You hate your lot. So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. There are other forces at work in this world Frodo besides the will of evil. Bilbo was meant to find the Ring, in which case you also were meant to have it. And that is an encouraging thought." He suddenly looked up. "Ah! It's that way."

Merry grinned. "He's remembered!"

They rushed over to the left-hand tunnel.

"No," said Gandalf, "but the air doesn't smell so foul down here. If in doubt, Meriadoc, always follow your nose."

So Merry followed his nose, and smacked right into the wall.