Thank you for the reviews, everyone :) •notices the abundance of chocolate chip cookies she has given out, and offers a glass of milk to wash it all down•

Originally, I was going to split this whole thing into three different fics, one for each movie. Now I've decided it's just going to be one huge fic. That way, I don't have to struggle with crappy sequel titles, and it will be easier for people to find the next part. But now I'm worried that I have tons of chapters and not enough space to put them in here. I wonder if there is a chapter limit for stories on this site?

XXX

Much with the running, as the Fellowship sprinted full welly towards the bridge of Khazad-dûm, the location of which Aragorn had finally pounded out of the wizard with his own staff. There was a slight problem though, Gimli noted, as dozens and hundreds and thousands of orcs swarmed from every conceivable place and surrounded them, until they were stood in a circle, aiming their weapons in all directions, with absolutely no hope of escape.

Legolas grinned a weak grin, and said: "Parley?"

They all glared at him. And just as Boromir was considering abandoning his chums to torment and death, and legging it as fast as he possibly could, a light appeared in the distance, followed by an unearthly growl, like stone grinding against stone.

The orcs surrounding them fled. Gimli chuckled.

"What is this new devilry?" asked Boromir, eyes agape, as the ground beneath them shook again.

"A Balrog," said Gandalf. "A demon of the ancient world. This foe is beyond any of you. Run!"

Boromir was offended: "Hey, I'm sure I could take him!"

"Me too," said Aragorn, stepping forwards.

"And me!"

Boromir turned, shaking his head at the dwarf.

"No, I am sorry, but you could not take on that thing in a million years."

Gimli growled.

"Yes, I could! Have you not heard the legends of the-"

"We are NOT going through this again!" cried Gandalf, lifting his staff and shooting stars at them. "Now, off! Go on! All of you!"

And so they ran, since the advice seemed quite sensible really, and Boromir took it too far and almost ran off the edge of a flight of stairs. His torch fell into the brink, but Legolas caught him just in time.

The Gondorian was stunned.

"Legolas, you just did something extremely clever and noble. What in Eru has gotten into you?"

The elf stood there, wide eyed: "I have absolutely no idea."

Then they heard the screams again, and realised it was not a Balrog after all…

Irresistibly, they both turned, frozen to the spot with fear. Boromir swallowed the lump in his throat.

"Legolas?"

"Yes?"

"The fangirls are coming, aren't they?"

The elf nodded, mute.

There was another rumble. The ground beneath their feet began to shake and splinter. A distant 'squeeeee!' snapped them out of their reverie, and they both turned and bolted down the stairs. The hobbits soon followed. A few moments later, Aragorn and Gandalf brought up the rear.

"Gandalf," said Aragorn, noting the wizard had stopped running. "You've stopped running." The wizard did not say anything, just looked at Aragorn, and then back at the approaching fangirls with a gleam in his eye. "Why aren't you running?" He grabbed the unresponsive wizard by the collar and shook him like mad: "You know that running thing we talked about earlier? WHY AREN'T YOU DOING IT?"

But Gandalf shook his head.

"Lead them on Aragorn. The bridge is near." The ranger stared at him in shock. "Do as I say! Swords are no more use here." The wizard threw his sword into a chasm. "And neither are pants!" And he took off his pants and threw them into the chasm too, so that he was stood there in his boxers, grinning like a loon.

Aragorn edged away.

"Um, yeah. You take care of things in this area, and I'll be away over here being… away." And the ranger legged it down the stairs, praying desperately that there was a cure for senility.

XXX

The race of dwarves were really not very bright, Aragorn mused, as he dashed down a set of extremely unnecessarily steep stairs, which had no handrail and sides which plunged down into a chasm so deep, he was sure that if he dropped off the edge he'd probably fall all the way around the world and land on top of the Silvertine again.

He skidded to a halt behind the rest of the Company, who had stopped at a gap in the stairs. Legolas leapt across easily.

"Gandalf," he said, beckoning the wizard, who jumped across too.

Just then, arrows started bouncing off the steps. Legolas notched his bow and sent an orc falling to its death, with a little help from his new-fangled heat seeking arrows.

Boromir grabbed Merry and Pippin, one under each arm, and leapt across with a yell.

The stairs crumbled a jot.

"Sam," said Aragorn, grabbing the fat hobbit by the collar and pitching him with all his strength. He was caught by Boromir. The ranger secretly cursed.

It was Gimli's turn next, but he protested: "Nobody tosses a dwarf!"

And so he leapt himself, and nearly plummeted into the abyss below. Legolas grabbed him by the beard.

"Argh, not the beard!" yelled the dwarf, and for good reason. There was suddenly a tearing sound, and Gimli started to fall again. Legolas had to reach down, grab his collar and drag him onto solid ground to save him.

"What was that about?" asked Sam, one eyebrow raised.

Gimli did not answer however; he was knelt on the ground with his head in his hands, sobbing. Legolas was left standing there, holding the remnants of his beard in one perfectly manicured hand.

"It's a fake?" said Boromir.

Gimli wailed even harder.

Merry spoke up: "I thought all dwarves had beards?"

"Shut up!" sobbed Gimli, wiping his face on his sleeve. "Just shut up!"

"How come you haven't got a beard?" asked Pippin. "Did you lose it?"

"No," cried Gimli, snatching back his beard from Legolas. "I had a little accident with my razor. It's not exactly easy shaving in the pitch black darkness of Moria you know." He shuffled his feet. "I've been holding it on with sticky tape for three days."

They didn't know whether to be sad, amused or freaked out. But suddenly a shout interrupted this random little scenario: "Umm, y'know, we are still in the middle of dire peril here kthanxbye."

They all looked up to see Aragorn and Frodo, who were both stood there, tapping their feet impatiently, as the stairs before them crumbled away. The gap was too huge to jump.

"Hey," said Gandalf, shrugging. "What do you want me to do? It's not like I have magical powers or anything."

"Um, actually-"

There was another roar. This time, however, it was the Balrog that was approaching. The ceiling shook. Rocks crumbled and smashed into the stairs that the ranger and the hobbit stood on. The structure teetered dangerously.

"Hang on!" said Aragorn, holding onto Frodo. "Lean forward!"

And so, in true Tolkien style, they surfed those stairs for all they were worth, until they pitched forward with their weight, and finally slammed forward and closed the gap. They both leapt to safety, and Boromir rushed forward and caught Aragorn as he landed. And he kept hold of him for at least another minute.

"Boromir," hissed the ranger, noticing everyone else's stares. "I'm okay. You can let go now."

But the hug lasted and lasted. Aragorn looked impatiently at his watch.

XXX

In a massive stroke of luck, the fangirls chasing them had noticed the heroic antics of the Fellowship as they descended the Stairs of Doom and promptly fainted in pleasure. Seeing this, the group took the opportunity to flee as fast as was humanly (or, in some cases, hobbitly, elvenly and dwarfishly) possible.

When they had finally peeled Aragorn and Boromir apart, the Company fled down the stairs, away from the heat of the approaching Balrog.

Presently, they passed a sign which read: Bridge ahead. Please mind your step.

Before them, rather unsurprisingly, there spanned a bridge across a deep chasm. Gandalf suddenly stopped in his tracks.

"Over the bridge!" he cried, flailing his arms about. "Fly!"

And they all groaned again. Now the wizard thought he could fly. Deciding it might be a blessing for him to be consumed by the Balrog, they all skedaddled pronto across the Bridge, which was about as narrow as a toothpick. Those dwarf architects really were a bunch of idiots.

Once they had reached the other side, they turned to see Gandalf facing down the Balrog. The wizard was tiny in comparison to the huge beast, which was nothing more than shadow and flame, with a couple of wings attached in order to please the tourists.

"You cannot pass!" said Gandalf, stamping his foot and pointing a finger at the Balrog. "Now, me and my friends have been nothing but polite since we set foot in Moria, and I for one am sick of being attacked and chased-"

"Not to mention being stabbed!" yelled Frodo, shaking a hobbit fist. "What is it with you guys and stabbing me?"

Gandalf lit up his staff with a blinding light.

"I am the servant of the secret fire," he cried, shaking. "Wielder of the flame of Anor. The dark fire will not avail you, Flame of Udûn!"

And the Balrog just yawned, and smacked Gandalf on the head with its flaming sword. There was a huge explosion as the magic and the fire collided. The Balrog fell back, thwarted for the moment.

"Go back to the shadow!" spat Gandalf.

The others watched on in horror, except for Aragorn and Boromir, who were taking odds on who would win.

Next, the Balrog produced a flaming whip, and lashed it upon the got Gandalf slightly mad: "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" he yelled, before smashing his staff upon the Bridge beneath his feet. Nothing seemed to happen, and the Balrog broke into fits of laughter. In fact, the entire Company did.

"Shut up!" hissed Gandalf, jumping up and down and flailing his arms about. "This is meant to be my climactic death scene and you're wrecking it!"

A cracking sound followed this outburst, and suddenly the Bridge was crumbling beneath the Balrog's feet. It fell into the abyss, wailing: "I regret nothing!"

And then Gandalf did the dumbest thing a victorious champion can ever do; he turned around.

With a roar, the Balrog struck out with its whip, and caught hold of Gandalf's ankle, pulling him down until he clung to the edge of the broken Bridge, with the darkness of the abyss yawning below him.

"Talk about a cliffhanger!"

They all turned and glared at Legolas. Aragorn clouted him with one of Sam's skillets. Then there was an exasperated cough, and they turned their attention back to Gandalf, who was looking slightly perturbed.

"Hey, I don't steal the spotlight when it comes to your big scenes! I'd appreciate a little attention here. I'm about to fall!"

They all shuffled their feet.

"Sorry."

"That's better. Now get back to the script!" And he took one last look at them, and muttered: "Fly you fools!"

And then he was gone.

Frodo frowned.

"What did he say?"

"I think it was 'cry you tools!'" said Sam.

"No, no." Pippin shook his head. "It was definitely 'die you mules!'"

"'Bye you jewels?'"

"It was 'Hi you ghouls!'"

"DOES IT REALLY BLOODY WELL MATTER?" yelled Gimli. "My beard is hanging on by a thread here! Try and gain a little perspective, will ya?"

Sam frowned

"Didn't Gandalf just die?"

"Who's Gandalf?"

"Never mind."

An arrow flew over their heads. They turned, and suddenly noticed orcs appearing across the way. It was time to leave.

Aragorn meanwhile was frozen to the spot, stunned. Completely stunned. How could Gandalf have lost? It just defied all expectation.

"Here," he muttered, forking over several hundred Gondorian dollars to Boromir, who took them with a smarmy grin.

"Pleasure doing business," he said, stuffing the wad of notes into his pocket. "Now, I suggest you duck that arrow headed for your face and RUN LIKE HELL!"

And so he did.

XXX

Conveniently, the exit to the Mines was but a few short steps away. When they finally escaped the darkness, they found themselves in a landscape of barren rock. Everyone was crying (except Legolas, who was too busy powdering his nose). Aragorn slapped him. Legolas began to cry too.

The ranger stood, wiping clean his sword. He resheathed it with a sigh, and then turned to the others.

"Legolas, get them up."

Boromir was enraged: "Give them a moment for pity's sake."

"By nightfall these hills will be swarming with orcs! We must reach the woods of Lothlórien. Come Boromir, Legolas, Gimli, get them up."

He knelt down, pulled up Sam, then looked about. "Frodo?" He spotted the hobbit some ways off. "Frodo!"

And the yell reverberated through the hills. Frodo slowly turned. A silent tear slid down his cheek. Then he took out a hanky, and blew on it noisily.