Wow. I swear this update was cursed. Firstly, despite it being summer, I seemed to be busy at every single moment and never had a chance to sit down and write it. Secondly, I had the worst writer's block ever and could not seem to write it when I found a moment (I blame it on all of the action and death scenes, which are too serious for their own good). And, thirdly, I had the update nearly finished and then my computer randomly decided to swallow it up. Gah.

So here it is – the last and most difficult installment of the Fellowship. Now I get to move onto the Two Towers, yay!

XXX

Frodo ran.

As the shadows swirled about him once more, he rushed to the top of Amon Hen, and there found the crumbling remains of the Seat of Seeing. His sight was drawn towards Mordor, and suddenly the tower of Barad-dûr and the Eye were before him.

He gasped and pulled off the ring, before falling head over heels from the Seat. Well, his stunt double did anyways.

"Frodo?"

It was Aragorn.

"It has taken Boromir," cried Frodo.

The ranger grew angry.

"Where is the Ring?" he growled.

Frodo was offended: "What do you take me for? Some idiotic, butter-fingered hobbit who loses the Ring at every single opportu…" He began to pat himself down. "Oh, bugger."

Aragorn slapped himself in the forehead.

"You've bloody gone and lost it again, haven't you?"

"Of course not." By this point, Frodo was on all fours, crawling around in the undergrowth. He spotted something glinting near his foot. "Aha, there it is! It must have fallen out of my pocket."

Aragorn shook his head.

"I'm just glad you didn't drop it in the bloody Anduin again. It took us two days to find it the last time."

Frodo stuck out his tongue, and returned the Ring to its chain about his neck.

"You're just jealous because you want the Ring for yourself."

The ranger shrugged.

"Not particularly. I do already have a ring…" He fiddled with the Ring of Barahir upon his hand.

Frodo frowned.

"I thought you gave that to Arwen?"

Aragorn stroked it protectively.

"But it's so shiny…"

The hobbit rolled his eyes.

"I thought you were supposed to be Isildur's heir."

"Your point being?"

Frodo groaned.

"Well, you're meant to be all Ring grabby and stuff."

"Despite the fact I have shown no interest in the Ring for the last three and a bit hours?"

The hobbit's face fell.

"Shut up, kthanx."

Aragorn walked forwards, and knelt down before the hobbit.

"I would have gone with you to the end," he said. "Into the very fires of Mordor."

"Yeah right," said the hobbit. "Just look after the others, will you? Especially Sam. He'll probably try and gorge himself to death."

Aragorn nodded, secretly displeased that he had to look after a bumbling buffet-obsessed hobbit for the next few months. Then he noticed something, and suddenly drew his sword, slashing Frodo across the face in the process.

"Oops, sorry."

Frodo started sobbing, and dancing about on the spot, trying to staunch the blood which seemed to plume from his head like a faulty sprinkler system

Aragorn cringed, and looked at the hobbit, and then at the dozens and dozens of Uruk-hai that were coming towards him.

"Run!" he told Frodo, "Run!"

And Frodo ran, still spouting blood, and Aragorn wondered if the Uruks would just follow the trail as he put his sword to his face in a salute.

Then he swung his blade about in slow motion, and the fight was on.

XXX

The aforementioned bumbling buffet-obsessed hobbit was skipping through the woods, looking for Frodo. Suddenly he heard the clash of swords.

"Mr. Frodo?" he cried.

XXX

Some ways off, Lurtz had arrived on the scene. He was the new leader of the fighting Uruk-hai, and he was pissed.

"Find the Halflings! Find the Halflings!" he yelled. He was too lazy to do it himself, the others realised, as they scattered throughout the forest to look for their prey. He ran a pretty tight shift, but at least he had stopped them from running off another cliff.

Raging with bloodlust and hunger, they went on a hobbit hunt.

XXX

"LOOK OUT BELOW!" screamed Aragorn, as he was tossed rather spectacularly from the top of the Seat of Seeing. Despite his initial bravado, he was losing this fight rather badly, but Jackson had managed to convince the audience otherwise with a bit of clever editing.

"Damn," said the ranger, climbing to his feet, "I broke a tooth." And he picked it up off the floor, and held it up to the light. "Don't suppose any of you have any super glue?"

The Uruks just growled. He took that as a maybe.

Thankfully Legolas and Gimli soon arrived to save his miserable yet beautifully toned behind.

With hands quicker than sight, Legolas downed three Uruk-hai in a row. Gimli ran about, stabbing and slashing with his axe.

"Aragorn, go!" cried the elf, and the ranger promptly skedaddled from the vicinity.

Gimli groaned.

"Go and get Frodo, you idiot!"

And the ranger grinned rather sheepishly, and went off in the other direction.

XXX

By now the bulgy eyed hobbit had stopped bleeding, and he promptly flung himself behind a tree as a pack of Uruk-hai chased him. How they didn't notice him as they passed was anyone's guess.

In the bushes opposite, Merry and Pippin called to him: "Frodo! Hide here, quick! Come on!"

The hobbit just shook his head, resolute.

"What's he doing?" asked Pippin, turning to Merry.

"He's shaking his head. It means 'no'."

"I know what it means, you gimboid."

"Well then, why the heck did you ask-?"

"Er, guys?" said Frodo, waving. "I'm kinda trying to make a dramatic exit here."

"Ooh right," said Pippin. And he climbed out of the bush rather stupidly. Merry followed him. Then they heard growls, and looked up to see a bunch of Uruk-hai coming in their direction.

They looked at Frodo. Frodo looked at them. They were looking at each other.

"Run, Frodo! Go!" cried Merry, and he cupped his hands to his mouth and yelled: "Hey! Hey you! Over here! We're causing a diversion!"

Pippin followed suit. And the intellectually challenged Uruk-hai took the bait and came after them. Frodo quickly slipped away.

"It's working!" said Pippin, delighted.

"I know its working! Run!"

So they ran, and found themselves surrounded by even more Uruk-hai. Very hungry Uruk-hai.

"So much for that running plan of yours, Merry."

"Shut up."

The situation was looking pretty dire, as a huge Uruk-hai approached wielding a rather brutal-looking axe. But it never got its dinner. Boromir promptly came charging up and killed it with its own weapon.

"What is wrong with you guys?" cried Boromir, as he threw a knife at another Uruk-hai, which fell with blood gushing from its throat. "One of these days you are going to get someone killed!"

Merry shrugged.

"What are the chances of that?"

XXX

At the Seat of Seeing, Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli continued to fight. The elf was busy showing off his archery skills, whilst Aragorn had an impromptu waltz with a rather attractive Uruk-hai. Legolas shot it in the back, and Aragorn pouted.

Suddenly, the Horn of Gondor was heard upon the air.

"The Horn of Gondor!" cried Legolas.

"WE KNOW!"

And Aragorn ran down the hill, and cut the legs out from beneath another far less attractive Uruk-hai.

The race was on.

XXX

Boromir continued to lay the smackdown on any Uruk-hai that dared approach the hobbits, but the situation was getting pretty desperate.

He sounded the Horn of Gondor again. Seriously. He blew on that bad boy for all it was worth. (I'm not joking here. Why are you all sniggering?)

"Run!" he cried, wielding his sword in defence. The hobbits scampered off, leaving him to stand all by his lonesome. And he was quite a sight to see, dealing out and parrying blows like there was no tomorrow, which there wasn't actually, at least not for him.

But then Lurtz strode into view, and as Boromir was busy dispatching foes left and right, he notched a black tipped arrow to his bow.

Boromir turned, and the bow sang.

THUD!

He fell to his knees with an arrow in his shoulder. The hobbits looked on in shock. Boromir just said: "Ow."

More Uruk-hai appeared. Drawing a breath, Boromir gave a cry and continued to battle. But then another arrow flew, and hit him right in the stomach.

He got up again. Lurtz just rolled his eyes, and shot off another arrow. This one hit Boromir right in the chest, and he fell again, and did not have the strength to get back up.

And so the hobbits, seeing their friend had been turned into a human pincushion, took up their own swords and cried: "The Shire!"

But then, in slow motion, they were scooped up by the Uruk-hai, and Boromir yelled at their retreating backs: "I told you so!"

Unfazed, Lurtz strode over to him and readied another arrow, right at the man's head. Boromir simply knelt there, eyes unblinking, and awaited death.

There was a crash to the right. Both the Uruk-hai and the man turned to see Aragorn, covered in dirt, come rolling down the hill. He picked himself up with a groan, and spat leaves out of his mouth.

"I'm here!" he said, standing up and then promptly falling down again. "Stupid gravity."

Boromir rolled his eyes. Lurtz folded his arms, and took an impatient glance at his watch. Aragorn just grinned, and then bowled into the Uruk-hai with a cry of: "Earendil!"

Boromir coughed.

"It's Elendil."

"Whatever."

And so Aragorn and Lurtz fought to save Boromir's soul.

The ranger promptly lost his sword in the early goings, and was then pinned to a tree by a handy shield. As Lurtz ran at him with his scimitar, Aragorn slipped out of the trap and stabbed the Uruk-hai in the leg with his knife.

Lurtz was none too happy about this, and threw the knife at Aragorn, who batted it away with his sword like a baseball. Then the ranger got very mad, and began hacking and slashing for all he was worth. He cut off Lurtz's arm and stabbed him through the chest for good measure.

The Uruk-hai pulled the blade deeper into his own flesh, with a "Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah."

Then Aragorn swished his sword around, and lopped the Uruk's head off. He had obviously died, as the cutting off of one's head is often likely to lead to death, but still Aragorn kept hacking. And slashing. And hacking some more.

"Umm, Aragorn?" said Boromir. No answer. "Aragorn?" Still no answer. "ARAGORN?"The ranger looked up, with a face covered in blood and entrails. "I'm kinda, um, dying here."

Aragorn grinned sheepishly.

"Sorry." And he hurried over to kneel before the dying man.

"They took the little ones," said Boromir.

"Be still."

"Frodo?" he asked. "Where is Frodo?"

The ranger frowned.

"I split his head open, and then he ran off. I let him go."

 "Then you did what I could not," said Boromir. "I tried to take the Ring from him, but he was having none of it."

Aragorn looked forlorn: "The Ring is beyond our reach now."

"Forgive me, I did not see it. I have failed you all."

"No," said Aragorn sternly. "Boromir, you fought bravely! You have kept your honour." He went to yank out the arrows embedded in the man's chest.

"Leave it!" said Boromir. "I've ruined this shirt already. It is over. The world of men will fall, and all will come to darkness and my city to ruin." Blood oozed from his mouth.

Aragorn raised an eyebrow.

"Well, you're just a ray of sunshine, aren't you?"

"Excuse me," said Boromir, "but next time you are dying why don't you tell me how sunny YOUR disposition is?"

"Okay, okay." Aragorn rolled his eyes. "I guess I can spare you this one genuinely emo moment." He sighed. "I do not know what strength is in my blood, but I swear to you I will not let the white city fall, nor our people fail!"

"Our people?" said Boromir, and he smiled a little. "Our people."

He reached for his sword, and the ranger placed it in his hand. Boromir held it against his chest with a sigh.

"Alas!" he said, "now my life's journey comes to an end, and all light about me fades before the overwhelming shadow."

"Huh?"

"I'm dying."

"Oh right."

The human pin cushion suddenly had a coughing fit. He was only stalling for time really. He knew he had about thirty seconds of life left, and could not for the life of him remember the snappy, extremely memorable last words he had come up with last night. Why he had a feeling he was going to die soon and would require those aforementioned words so urgently only Eru knew.

"Oh yeah!" he cried, smiling amidst his pain. "I would have followed you my brother, my captain, my king!" And he closed his eyes, and awaited death, but it never came. His eyes flew open. "Bugger."

Aragorn's face lit up.

"You're not dead?"

Boromir nodded.

"Apparently so, but I'm gonna die soon. It's just a matter of time…"

They both waited a while. The forest grew silent. An orc lying dead on the ground raised an arm and looked at its wristwatch.

"Ack," said Boromir, and then he died.

Aragorn frowned. The words hadn't been very inspiring, but they had certainly been appropriate. And, in a show of either brotherly affection or slashy goodness (depending on your leanings) he leant down and kissed Boromir upon the brow.

Gimli and Legolas then came from amidst the trees, and saw the ranger straddling Boromir. They both coughed rather loudly.

XXX

"Frodo!" cried Sam. He was crashing blindly through the trees, and had conveniently missed all of the fighting and emotional death scenes. Damn him.

A few feet away Frodo was standing upon Parth Galen, silent, unmoving, looking at the Ring in his palm. Tears spilled down his face.

I wish the Ring had never come to me, he thought, I wish none of this had happened.

"Well tough," came the words of Gandalf into his head, "You've got two more films of this so get used to it. You hate your lot. So do all who live to see such times but that is not for them to decide. All you have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to you."

With a sudden determination, he put the Ring into his pocket, and got into one of the boats by the waterside.

"Frodo, no!"

He turned, and saw Sam wading towards him.

 "No, Sam," he growled, beginning to paddle away. But the stupid hobbit just kept coming, until he was completely submerged by the waters. For a moment there was silence, and then the river's surface was disturbed once more; he rose up again, dripping from head to toe, still staring impassively forwards. Frodo rubbed his eyes a few times, and decided that he had been watching way too many movies lately. "Go back Sam! I'm going to Mordor alone."

"Of course you are," he cried. "And I'm coming with you!"

Frodo slapped himself on the forehead.

"You can't swim, you idiot!"

And he really couldn't, and promptly drowned. Once again. Frodo just rolled his eyes, and pulled the dead hobbit out of the water. He then punched him in the gut, and Sam spat up a bucketful of water, and a number of fish.

The sound of disappointed groans could be heard from the bushes. The fangirls had been waiting for the kiss of life.

Sam began to blubber: "I made a promise, Mr. Frodo. A promise! 'Don't you leave him Samwise Gamgee.' And I don't mean to! I don't mean to."

"Oh Sam!" gasped Frodo, and he proceeded to grab the fat, dripping hobbit and snog him senseless. Not really. They just had a very manly hug.

The fangirls in the bushes sighed in pleasure.

XXX

In the second elven boat they laid Boromir to rest with his weapons by his side; those of his defeated foes were at his feet. They even combed his hair across his shoulders. Aragorn drew the line at makeup, however, and had to swat away Legolas as he tried to apply blusher to the man's cheeks.

"But he looks so washed out!" the elf moaned.

"He's dead, you idiot."

And so, with a growing sense of despair (and in Legolas' case, regret at his pale complexion) they watched Boromir float towards the top of Rauros before disappearing over its peak. Amidst the roar of the Falls, Legolas could have sworn he heard an angry yell.

"Aragorn… are you sure Boromir was dead?"

The ranger, who was busy flicking through the wad of cash he had taken from the dead man's pockets, simply shrugged.

"Either way, he is now."

Legolas did not answer however - something had caught his attention, and he ran to the waterside and pushed out a boat.

"Hurry! Frodo and Sam have reached the eastern shore!"

Aragorn was silent and angsty.

"You mean not to follow them?"

"Well duh. Frodo's fate is no longer in our hands."

Legolas frowned.

"Whose hands is it in?"

"Peter Jackson."

And they all shuddered.

"Then it has all been in vain!" said Gimli. "The Fellowship has failed."

"Not true," said Aragorn, typing something on a very handy laptop that he had suddenly found. "This film grossed $860,700,000 according to Wikipedia, and it spawned many a fangirl obsession driven fanfic. I'd say we did some good with this Fellowship thingy."

Legolas and Gimli glared at him.

"Can we go hunt some orc now?"

"Whatever."

And so they did.

XXX

A very much dried off Frodo and Sam now climbed their way to the top of the Emyn Muil, and looked out upon the distant peak of Mordor.

"Mordor," Frodo sighed. "I hope the others find a safer route."

"Strider will look after them," said Sam, with an optimistic smile.

"I don't suppose we'll ever see them again."

They turned to each other, burst into huge grins and shared a high five.

"Woohoo!"

And so, with lightened hearts and substantial fame and paychecks under their belts, they picked their way down the rocky slope towards Mordor.

"I wonder," said Frodo, "if Sauron has any pie…"