Oops, another long delay :p In my defense, I'm been very busy, what with starting university and all. Plus, it took me a while to get past the drudgery of Sam and Frodo's journeying scenes and find any potential for humour in there, but I think I found some.

It's been about a year since I started posting this – I certainly remember posting near Christmas last year – so yay! for anniversaries!

XXX

Previously on Buffy the Vampire Slay- I-I mean, Lord of the Rings…

Somewhere deep inside the Mines of Moria, a confrontation was afoot.

The Balrog brandished his light saber.

"I'm-a bust a cap in yo ass!" he growled.

Gandalf raised a hand.

"Bring it on, beeyotch."

And so the Balrog charged forwards, and a mighty battle between the two ensued, which culminated in the dramatic revelation that the Balrog was, in fact, Gandalf's father.

"Wait a minute," said Frodo, with a frown. "This doesn't seem right somehow…"

He turned to Boromir, seeking confirmation of this point, and raised an eyebrow in confusion.

"Um, Boromir?"

"Yes?"

"Why do you have a mackerel for a head?"

The mackerel-headed Boromir shrugged.

"I dunno, it's your dream, Frodo."

The next moment, the thoroughly-confused hobbit woke up with a start.

He looked about, and found himself sleeping amongst the rocks of the Emyn Muil. Sam was kneeling beside him, looking very concerned.

"What is it, Mr. Frodo?"

The hobbit shook his head.

"Nothing," he said. "Just a dream."

Sam raised an eyebrow.

"You were screaming Gandalf's name in your sleep again."

"It's not what it looks like, Sam," said Frodo. "I was dreaming about his death."

"Sure you were, Mr. Frodo," he said, hiking his pack over his shoulder. "Sure you were."

And the fat hobbit started off over the next rise of rocks.

Frodo looked about shiftily, and then darted behind another rock to go and change his pants.

XXX

The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

(contains 53 per cent new footage)

With many a misstep, a grunt and a curse, Sam and Frodo picked their way among the rocks of the Emyn Muil, and climbed to the top of a particularly stubborn ridge. Conveniently enough, said ridge afforded the perfect view of the extremely distant Mount Doom.

"Hmm," grumbled Sam. "It looks nothing like the brochure." Heaving his pack off his shoulder, he sighed, and collapsed onto a nearby rock. "Let's face it, Mr. Frodo, we're lost. I don't think Gandalf meant for us to come this way."

 "He didn't mean for a lot of things to happen, Sam," said Frodo, sounding melodramatic again. "But they did."

He joined Sam on a nearby rock, and, looking towards Mordor with his apparently telescopic eyes, he caught the eye of the Eye of Sauron and had something which resembled an epileptic fit.

Sam was concerned: "Mr. Frodo? It's the Ring, isn't it?"

He nodded.

"It's getting heavier."

As if to test a theory, Sam snatched away the Ring and weighed it in his palm with a frown.

"It feels exactly the same to me."

Frodo growled.

"I meant metaphorically, you twit." He stole the Ring back, and clutched it protectively to his chest. Then he reached into his pack and took a swig from his flask. "What food have we got left?"

Sam had a look through his own pack, and pulled out a number of leafy packages.

"Hmm, we might have to tighten our belts a little more, I'm afraid, Mr. Frodo. All we have left is Lembas, Lembas, bloody Lembas." He pulled back its leafy covering, and broke off a piece which he tossed to Frodo. "I hate this elven stuff," he added. "It tastes like bloody chalk."

"Definitely."

Sam frowned, and chewed thoughtfully.

"Why then, can I not stop eating the friggin' stuff?"

Frodo shrugged, and delved into Sam's pack for more, having already devoured his own piece.

"I don't know," he said, breathlessly. "I can't stand the stuff myself." He stuffed his mouth with even more. "But it's refreshingly addictive."

Sam had a look at the label.

"Hmm. The elves never bothered to mention this." He shoved the packaging in Frodo's face.

Frodo read aloud: "Contains truckloads of nicotine. In fact, it is the only ingredient in these things really, apart from chalk. Truckloads of chalk. You equals idiot."

Sam shook his head, and peered inside the packaging.

"Ingenious elven cooking, my eye. They're just old-fashioned appetite suppressants." A raindrop landed on his nose, and he looked up. "It's started raining, Mr. Frodo." A moment later, the rain started getting harder. "It's started raining harder, Mr. Frodo."

Frodo rolled his eyes, and unfurled an umbrella.

"Well, duh."

XXX

Despite the rain, they continued their morning jaunt through the rocks, and only stopped when they came across the same moose-shaped rock they had passed three times that day.

"Oh, bloody buggering hell!" Frodo collapsed onto a rock. "I can't be bothered with this. If I had wanted to wander around aimlessly, I'd have trailed Sam at a buffet."

"What?"

"Oh, sorry Sam," said Frodo. "Force of habit."

With a shrug, Sam decided to let it slip, and stood there for a moment, huddled beneath his cloak.

"What's that horrid stink?" he asked, presently. "I'll warrant there's a nasty bog nearby. Can you smell it?"

Frodo rolled his eyes.

"It's us, you idiot. We haven't had a shower in about three months."

"No, no." Sam shook his head. "It's something else."

They both looked about ominously; Frodo chewed on another piece of Lembas.

XXX

Later that day, well, that night to be precise, Frodo and Sam were spooning beneath a cliff. Above them, a dark shape was clawing its way down the rocks, hissing and spitting.

Sam opened an eye.

"Frodo?" he whispered.

"What?"

"How long do we have to keep pretending we are asleep?"

"Just a few seconds longer!"

He squirmed about. "But these rocks are digging into my back!"

"Oh, for Jackson's sake!" Frodo sat up. "You are such a blanket hog!"

Sam stuck out his tongue.

"Well, at least I don't snore like a Balrog."

"It's a glandular problem and you know it!"

"That's not what she said…"

Frodo was flabbergasted.

"Who the hell are you talking about?"

Sam put a hand to his forehead.

"I'm not talking about a specific she, just using the general she to imply that you are an inadequate sexual partner, and-"

"Ahem."

They both looked up.

"WHAT?"

Gollum was standing before them, looking sheepish. He waved a splayed hand.

"Um, hi."

XXX

After a rather lengthy conversation, Sam and Frodo decided that this Gollum character was actually quite evil, really, so they decided to keep him on a leash, just to be sure. He kept referring to himself in the third person anyways, so they figured that he must be some kind of schizophrenic, or else some kind of crazed narrator, muhahaha.

"It burns!" whined Gollum, yanking at his leash. "It burns us! It freezes! Nasty Elves twisted it. Take it off us!"

"How on Earth can it both burn and freeze you?" asked Frodo.

 Sam put a hand to his forehead.

"It's hopeless!" he yelled. "Every Orc in Mordor's going to hear this racket!"

Frodo rolled his eyes.

"Oh yes, and they're not going to hear you loudly complaining about it either."

Sam folded his arms.

"Maybe we should just kill the bleeding thing."

"Maybe he does deserve to die," said Frodo, with a frown. "But now that I see him, I do pity him."

There was silence for a moment. Gollum raised a hand.

"Um, yeah, we is standing right here you know."

Sam kicked at him.

"Be quiet whilst we discuss your murder."

Frodo rolled his eyes.

"Murder is your solution for everything, Sam."

"Well I don't see you coming up with any new ideas!"

Gollum tried to change the subject: "We be nice to them if they be nice to us." He gestured to his leash. "Take it off us. We swears to do what you wants. We swears."

Frodo shook his head.

"There's no promise you can make that I can trust."

"We swears to serve the master of the precious," said Gollum.

Sam thought about this for a second.

"So, technically, if Sauron or some random orc regained the Ring, you would betray us at the drop of a hat?"

Gollum nodded furiously.

Frodo slapped himself in the forehead.

"There's no promise you can make that I can trust, Gollum."

"Hmmph," said Gollum. "Well, we thanks you immensely for your faith in us. In that case, we swears on the precious."

 "The Ring is treacherous," answered Frodo. "It will hold you to your word, despite its being an inanimate object and so unable to do a damn thing about it." He frowned, and decided to fish around for a better threat. "If you betray me," he said, "it will turn your finger green!"

Gollum did not seem too bothered by this prospect, but Sam gave a gasp of horror at the thought.

Gollum shrugged.

"Fine then. We swears on the precious."

"I don't believe you!" yelled Sam. He yanked the leash, and sent Gollum crashing to the ground.

"Sam!" growled Frodo.

"He's trying to trick us!" said Sam. "If we let him go he'll throttle us in our sleep!"

Gollum's face fell.

"Again, we is standing right here."

 Frodo turned towards him.

"You know the way to Mordor?

Gollum looked about shiftily.

"Um, sure, why not?"

Frodo knelt down, and removed the leash from around Gollum's neck.

"You will lead us to the Black Gate."

Gollum folded his arms.

"Please."

Frodo rolled his eyes.

XXX

A few dozen miles away, Merry and Pippin were being carried across the plains of Rohan by a pack of rather burly Uruk-hai.

Pippin, unable to grasp the seriousness of their situation, was currently kicking his Uruk-hai in the back and yelling 'giddy up!' It was of no surprise to Merry, then, that his fellow hobbit was soon flung across the plains like a hairy-toed shot put.