Hey, I managed to squeeze a Scrubs, Red Dwarf and (very subtle) Futurama reference all into this one update - I think that's quite an achievement xD I knew I could get them in there somewhere…
Most of this update was written on the train to London. Four hours there and four hours back was just hell, but writing this helped me to stay sane. Reviews are very much appreciated and squeed at :D
XXX
A few hundred miles away, the three Hunters were wandering through Fangorn Forest. They were most definitely not having a good time.
"Okay," asked Gimli, who was currently massaging his temples, "whose idea was it to stumble blindly through the huge freaking forest?"
Aragorn wandered by at that moment, whistling innocently with his hands stuffed in his pockets.
Legolas tapped Gimli on the shoulder.
"So, who was it then?"
The dwarf just shook his head in disbelief and continued on.
They soon reached a huge clearing, filled with gnarled trees and hanging vines. The early morning light was filtering through a gap in the forest canopy above. Aragorn ran some ways and then stooped down to study the undergrowth.
"These are strange tracks," he muttered.
Gimli shuddered.
"The air is so close in here."
"This forest is old," said Legolas, looking about warily. "Very old. Very very old. Very very very-"
"Yes, Legolas," put in the ranger, rolling his eyes, "we get the picture."
The elf pouted. That had been one of his better lines.
Suddenly there was the sound of rustling and whispering about them. They all looked about anxiously.
"The trees are speaking to each other," said Legolas. He turned to Gimli. "They don't like you."
The dwarf gave a loud 'harrumph'.
Legolas turned to Aragorn and muttered: "Aragorn, nad nâ ennas! Something is out there!"
The ranger frowned.
"Legolas, have you ever noticed that you are an elf, and I am a human raised by elves, and yet I speak elvish more frequently and fluently than you?"
Legolas' face fell.
"Just shut up and say your line."
"Fine then. Man cenich? What do you see?"
There was a neat close-up on Legolas' eyes. A loud thud signaled the approval of many a fangirl.
"The White Wizard approaches," murmured the elf.
"Do not let him speak," answered the ranger. "He will put a spell on us."
Gimli frowned: "And what is your basis for that assumption? The films haven't even acknowledged the enchanting properties of Saruman's voice yet."
"I know," said Aragorn, folding his arms in a huff, "I just thought it made me sound cool."
They all fell silent. Aragorn nodded at Legolas. Legolas nodded at Aragorn. Gimli nodded at Aragorn. Legolas nodded at Gimli. Aragorn nodded at Gimli. They all nodded at the White Wizard.
"Oh shit," they said. Then they rather pathetically drew their weapons with many a war cry; Gimli threw his axe. It ended up sailing backwards into the tree behind him.
"The trees really don't like you," said Legolas, whose arrow burnt to a crisp as it left the bow.
For some reason Aragorn just stood there, holding his sword menacingly. How that was supposed to hurt and intimidate the White Wizard, nobody knew. The blade promptly turned rather hot in his hands, and he dropped it to the ground with a girlish squeal.
A blinding light appeared before them, shrouding a towering figure dressed in white robes.
"Oh dear," said the figure, "that light is awfully bright, isn't it? I can barely see my own cataracts."
With a wave of his arm the man dimmed the light about him. They all groaned as they recognized a familiar old man with a long beard and galloping senility.
"It is I Gandalf!" he cried. "I have returneth…eth…ed!"
Legolas waved.
"Hi."
Aragorn frowned.
"I thought you were dead or something?"
The wizard shrugged.
"Me too. But apparently my improperly explained resurrection is pretty integral to the plot..." He looked down. "At least I get spiffy new robes! Although the dry cleaning bill for these things is gonna be a bitch…"
Gimli growled.
"Saruman!" he spat. "Do not try and fool us! You look nothing like Gandalf!"
He pulled out another axe and ran, screaming, at Gandalf. The wizard stopped him with a hand to his forehead. Gimli continued to run on the spot, spouting endless insults.
"Err Gimli," said Aragorn, "that is Gandalf."
"Nonsense," answered the dwarf. "He's way too ugly. And his nose is too small. Also, Gandalf never had this waistline." He grabbed at the wizard's flabby stomach.
Aragorn slapped himself in the forehead.
The next moment, a dwarf-shaped missile went flying through the trees.
"So," said Legolas, completely unfazed, "how come you're not like, well, dead?"
"How observant," muttered Aragorn.
"Well," said the wizard, sitting down on the rise and scratching himself on the head, "it's the darnedest thing really. I could've sworn I'd fallen down a rather deep cavern, and then I was joy-riding a Balrog for a while before plunging into someone's swimming pool. But, of course, the whole concept is quite absurd since when one falls down a rather deep cavern one tends to die when one splats on the bottom. Anyhoo, we ended up on this mountain somehow and then there was this rather spiffing fight and I guess I won but tragically died."
"How tragic!"
"Yes, indeed. After that, I was suddenly gratuitously naked and I heard all of these fangirls screaming. Then I guess I found some clothes and came here, or something."
Aragorn nodded.
"That sounds completely plausible to me."
"Excellent," said Gandalf, rubbing his hands in glee, "then enough with the plot exposition already. I wanna go and get a taco…"
XXX
A few minutes later the group emerged safely from the forest. As they approached their horses Gimli suddenly popped up, pulling random twigs out of his hair.
"Saruman!" he cried, coming at the wizard again.
They all sweatdropped.
"One stage of your journey is over," said Gandalf, ignoring the dwarf. "Another begins. War has come to Rohan. We must ride to Edoras with all speed."
Legolas' face was blank.
"Eda-who?"
Gandalf just rubbed his hands together again.
"Yes, Legolas, we're going to Edoras…" He looked about shiftily. "Whatever that is…"
He stepped forwards for a moment, and then put his lips together and blew. After an embarrassingly long wait, the wizard whistled again. Eventually, the group heard a distant neighing, and a gleaming white house came bounding towards them in the tackiest-looking sequence imaginable. It promptly bowled over Gimli, before coming to a standstill before Gandalf, who gave it a cheery wink.
"STOP WINKING AT EVERYONE!" screamed Aragorn. "Seriously, it's getting really disturbing now."
"That is one of the Mearas," said Legolas, "unless my eyes are cheated by some spell."
"Well duh," said Gimli, who was currently kneeling on the ground and holding his stomach, "even a blind Oliphaunt could've noticed that."
Legolas frowned.
"Oliphaunt? What's an Oliphaunt?"
The next moment, an elf-shaped missile went flying through the trees.
XXX
"…and that's how they made me their chief…"
Treebeard was rambling on, as always, and had sent Merry and Pippin into yet another comatose state as he carried them through the depths of Fangorn Forest. As he rounded off his latest tale of grandiose, Merry opened his eyes and gave a loud yawn. Treebeard just started on the next one.
Merry scowled.
"Um, yawn?"
Treebeard stopped for a moment.
"Excuse me?"
Merry sighed: "You see, I say 'yawn' because when I actually yawn, you don't get it."
Treebeard blinked.
"Oh right… So anyways, I was standing there with this giant twelve-inch kielbasa…"
Merry rolled his eyes.
"Pippin?"
"Hmm?" The other hobbit was still in a light doze.
"Why are the filmmakers actually acknowledging that Treebeard is, well, y'know, boring?"
Pippin shrugged, and turned over to try and get more comfortable.
"I dunno. They're just staying true to the book I guess…"
Merry raised an eyebrow.
"I'm sure that's the reason, It's not like Jackson has ever strayed from the plot of the original book or anything…" He suddenly broke into a fit of coughing, which sounded suspiciously like 'noGlorfindel, Arwenhasasword, Aragornisallangsty, Gimli'sspeakingScottish, Legolasisanidiot, wehobbitsareallwearingcutoffs-'"
"Yes, alright." Pippin turned over again, and wiped at his sleepy eyes. "Treebeard, can you explain why the filmmakers are actually acknowledging how boring you are and emphasizing how long it takes you to say a single sentence, no matter how protracted or confusing it has become and why we hobbits are made to suffer as a result of your annoyingly superfluous…" He frowned. "Bugger, I just lost my train of thought." The hobbit didn't get a reply, however. He snapped his fingers in the Ent's face. "Yo, Treebeard? He who hangs out a lot in arboretums?"
Treebeard was not listening however.
"'Clearly', I said to the tribe, 'you have never been to Singapore…'"
Pippin's face fell.
"Merry, I have a feeling this is going to be a very long film for us…"
XXX
"So yeah." Gollum gestured across his shoulder. "Them's there's the Black Gate of Mordor, folks."
Sure enough a huge gate loomed before them, cut into the rocks of the Morannon. A number of guards patrolled its perimeter.
Frodo tilted his head slightly.
"It doesn't look that black to me."
"Yeah." Sam nodded. "More like darkish-grey really…"
Frodo tapped his chin thoughtfully.
"And, come to think of it, there are technically two gates in this design, hence the name Black Gate, singular, is rendered rather redundant-"
"WOULD YOU BOTH PLEASE SHUT THE HELL UP?" Gollum's face had turned a rather drastic shade of purple. "Does it really matter what bloody colour the gates are? All I have heard from you two over the last few days is 'oh, this location is slightly inaccurate' or 'hey, y'know, this line of dialogue doesn't stay true to this part of the book…' Y'know what? This is not the book, okay, it is the film adaptation. Emphasis on the adaptation there." He poked them both in the chest. "You are in a movie and, thanks to the magic of CGI, this is my chance to shine, so kindly just shut up, follow my instructions and try to act a little more like responsible heroes!"
Gollum took a few deep breaths after this tirade. Frodo was just sitting there, playing distractedly with the Ring in his hands.
"Sooo shiny…"
Gollum was about to wring Frodo's neck in aggravation until he realised that Sam was missing. Turning around, he saw that the bumbling hobbit was standing as clear as day atop the edge of the cliff facing the Black Gate(s).
He rushed over and pulled Sam to the ground.
"What in Eru's name are you doing?" he hissed. "The guards will see you!"
Sam shook his head.
"You don't understand – I just threw my Frisbee and it sailed over the gate into Mordor…"
A pleasant calm washed over Gollum at that moment.
"Y'know what?" he said, "Why don't you just go and get it? I've heard that Mordor has quite a lenient policy on returning lost Frisbees."
"Really?" Sam's face lit up. "Alright!" A horn blasted at that moment, signaling the opening of the Black Gate. An army was approaching in the valley below them, and began filing inside the burgeoning gap. "Yay!" cried Sam. "Look! The gate, it's opening!" He peered at the rocks below him. "And I can see a way down."
He stepped on a rock closer to the edge of the cliff, which suddenly gave way beneath his weight. Gollum just sat there, laughing at how comical such a dramatic moment had seemed.
Frodo came up behind him, with a weary look upon his face.
"Sam just fell off the cliff, didn't he?"
Gollum nodded.
Frodo sighed, and began to clamber down after him.
"And I thought it was Aragorn who had a propensity to fall off cliffs…"
Far below, Sam had gotten himself stuck in the scree at the bottom of the valley. Frodo soon slid down after him, and started tugging at the fat hobbit's cloak to try and dislodge him.
An army of Easterlings were filing into Mordor at that moment. Hearing a noise, two of them broke away from the rest of their battalion and wandered over towards Sam and Frodo's position. Frodo hurriedly threw his elven cloak over the both of them.
The two warriors came to a standstill; one of them frowned.
"What is it, Bill?"
Bill shook his head.
"I don't know, Bob, but I was sure someone was trying to sneak into Mordor."
"Hmm." Bob had a good look around. "I don't think you need to worry. There doesn't seem to be anything here except for that hobbit-shaped rock over there…" He shrugged. "Screw this, I'm hungry. Wanna go and get an ice cream?"
"Sure."
They returned to their battalion, with nary a look backwards. After waiting approximately two seconds for their departure, Frodo threw back the cloak covering the two hobbits and helped Sam to climb out of the deluge of stones.
"Aww, come on," said Sam, rolling his eyes as he patted himself down. "Deus ex machina or what? I thought this cloak was meant to be green."
Frodo just shrugged, and peered at the Black Gate from behind a nearby boulder. Sam joined him.
"I do not ask you to come with me, Sam."
Sam shrugged.
"I know, Mr Frodo. I doubt even these elvish cloaks will hide us in there, but I wanna get my Frisbee back."
"Don't be so sure of that." Frodo's face hardened. "So, you coming with?"
"Yeah," said Sam, "I've got nothing better to do anyways…"
"Okay then, on three…" Frodo took a deep breath. "One, two, three!"
They both leapt forward, and were promptly flung backwards by a rather pissed off Gollum. Sam rubbed at the back of his scalp.
"Hey, I think you pulled out some hair then…"
"Dude, what is your problem?" Frodo adjusted his cloak. "We were about to go running into Mordor through the heavily-guarded front entrance in broad daylight. It's the best plan we've got!"
Gollum shook his head.
"No, no master! They catch you! They catch you! Don't take it to him! He wants the preciousss. Always he's looking for it! And the preciousss is wanting to go back to him. But we mustn't let him have it."
"Well, yes," said Frodo, "that kinda constitutes the entire plot." He made to run off again, but Gollum pulled him back once more.
"There's another way!" he urged. "More secret. A dark way."
Sam was suspicious: "Why haven't you spoken of this before?"
Gollum looked shifty.
"Because it's a clearly a set up… I-I mean, Master did not ask! Duh."
Sam tapped the side of his nose.
"He's up to something, but I can't quite put my finger on it…"
"Are you saying there's another way into Mordor?" asked Frodo.
"Pretty much. There is a path and some stairs and then… a tunnel."
"Ooh," said Sam, with a smile, "that sounds comfortingly vague."
There was a clang in the distance, as the Black Gate was finally closed again. Gollum continued to paw at Frodo's arm, urging him to make a decision.
"Ugh, fine," said the hobbit, after a moment. "Let's go through the stupid tunnel then. We might at least get a mildly interesting story out of it…"
Sam shook his head.
"Again with the giant freaking spider."