I'm singing! Metaphorically. Oh hell, I'll make it literally. Beck broke up with Jade, which means I get to comfort her again, and I'm playing Jade's husband in a play! This is like, the best month ever. Year, not so much, I mean I had a lot of fun when I was 4. I love dinosaur toys. It's not hard to put on a disappointed face though. I just need to think about how little Jade wants me to be there for her, and whammo. I still can't get the first time they broke up out of my head. I hope they don't get back together as quickly this time. It was soooo worth it to dog shop with Jade and hold her while she cried though.
But when I got cast as her husband, all I could think about was whether the play would call for a kiss or not. I can't wait until blocking! I just feel like I'm about to explode, because I have no outlet for this feeling. I mean, I could go around hugging everyone, but I've tried that before and everyone always asks why you're happy. Then I could kiss one person passionately, but the only person I've actually wanted to do that to for months is Jade West. I bet she bites. I try to keep the smile from spreading over the entirety of my face.
It's still wonderful of course. Being so full of happiness is amazing, no matter how volatile it feels inside. People always forget about how wonderful it feels to have a huge crush, they just focus on how the object of their desire could never become subject to their desire. I can't stop thinking about the what if's though. What if Jade West was queer? What if she was in love with me? There'd probably be some S&M, that's for sure. And a little bit of exhibitionism on my part. Any time we sat next to each other I'd do my best to drive her wild, hell, even drive her to orgasm, if she were into me. My latest what if is what if I could make her love me, through enough friendship and sex appeal. Of course, most of these fantasies I entertain in the privacy of my own room. Or biology class. Honestly I already know everything they're teaching. My aunt used to babysit for my parents while she was studying for the MCAT.
After I made it through acting without breaking out in too wide a grin (again, easy because Jade dislikes me), and making it through biology, I came to rehearsal with a very heavy blush. Y'know, biology. I stopped by the bathroom on the way here. Today's just reading the lines out loud, so Jade sits as far away from me as she can. Andre's loyalty is to me, and Beck's still upset with Jade, so they end up sitting next to me. Every time I 'fall asleep,' I imagine the kind of blocking we'll get to do. My heart jumps when I see that one of the stage directions is me falling into her arms. Well, everything's up to the director, but with the way he's eyeing Jade for sitting so far away, I think he might be crazy enough to make her do something against her will. When I try to look across the room and tell her I love her, the emotion shuts off. I just… this isn't how I'd tell her. I know by now, with how many times I've imagined it. I see her checking out a pair of scissors. I smile at first, but then remember how she loves to scare people. I quickly turn on my terrified face. I don't have to keep up the act for long though, we're finished running through it. Blocking tomorrow!
I got a mustache today. This might actually be my favorite year, screw toy dinosaurs. I think most people know about my obsession with mustaches. I mean, I don't find them attractive. Mainly because I'm like, a 5.7 on the Kinsey scale. (It's just easier to date guys. They have no idea what's going on, and I like that. I also like that they think they have to make the first move.) But mustaches just make everything so much funnier and happier! So I get to walk around the stage sporting a superfine mustache today. And Sikowitz ignores all the kissing opportunities (I guess he's not that suicidal where Jade is concerned), but he lets me fall into her arms at least 15 different ways. And into her boobs once. Ahhhhhhhh. And the way she holds onto me. I swear I messed up his directions another 8 times just to spend more time in her arms. And I really milked how long I'm supposed to stay asleep. And then we get to the part about reaffirming our love. And we just fail at it. She doesn't love me, and I can't feel the lines.