I know, I know. The title is a •terrible• pun, but it had to be used, teehee :D

Here is an extra long chapter to make up for the wait! Thank you everyone for the encouraging reviews, and Kameko in particular – I love Kröd Mändoon and am flattered that my fic reminds you of that show. I'm about halfway through TTT by my calculations, which also means I am halfway through the trilogy in general, so yay! I never thought I would get this far with it, and I am determined to get it finished within my lifetime xD

XXX

Across the plains Frodo and Sam were wandering through rocky terrain in the apparent throes of winter; there was a mountain stream rushing up ahead. Gollum dived into the shallow water and wriggled and thrashed about, trying to catch a fish and avoid getting hypothermia in the process.

Sam picked nervously through the rocks in his wake.

"Hey Stinker!" he yelled. "Don't go getting too far ahead!"

Frodo folded his arms and pouted.

"Why do you do that?" he asked.

"What?" Sam turned around.

"Call him names," said Frodo, "run him down all the time."

Sam rubbed at his neck guiltily.

"'Cause, it's fun…" Frodo glared at him. "I-I mean because… because that's what he is, Mr. Frodo. There's naught left in 'im but lies and deceit. It's the Ring he wants. It's all he cares about."

Behind them Gollum was engaged in a titanic battle with a fifteen-foot trout which had taken exception to his fishing.

"You have no idea what it did to him," growled Frodo. "What it's still doing to him." He started to walk away, but then stopped without turning. Gollum gave a muted yelp behind them as the trout pulled him down under the water. "I want to help him, Sam..."

"Why?"

"Because I have to believe he can come back. And audiences love redeemed characters, Sam. I'm thinking of the box office here."

"You can't save him, Mr. Frodo." Sam insisted. Gollum resurfaced, now riding on the back of the giant trout, which was thrashing about and attempting to dislodge him.

Frodo whirled around, his eyes flashing.

"What do you know about it?" he snapped. "Nothing!" They both stood stock still for a moment. Gollum was crying desperately for help as the trout dragged him under again, but neither of them seemed to be able to hear him. Sam began to walk away forlornly. Frodo's face softened. "I'm sorry, Sam. I don't know why I said that." He paused. "Well, yes I do. I'm trying to cause an argument. I need something new to angst about on the way to Mordor."

Sam stopped and turned back.

"It's the Ring. You can't take your eyes off it. I've seen you. You're not eating. You barely sleep. It's taken a hold of you, Mr. Frodo. You have to fight it!"

Frodo's face was twisted with a scowl.

"I know what I have to do, Sam. The Ring was entrusted to me! It's my task! Mine! My own!" He brushed past Sam and continued on.

"Can't you hear yourself?" yelled Sam. "Don't you know who you sound like?"

Frodo just walked away without looking back. Nearby, a long-forgotten Gollum was spat out by the giant trout onto the riverbed. He duly collapsed from exhaustion in a giant pool of saliva.

XXX

That night, Frodo and Sam were fast asleep in a rocky crevasse. Gollum could not sleep, as is probably to be expected when one has just been swallowed and then spat back up by a fifteen-foot trout. He sat crouched a few feet away, huddling his knees to his chest and rocking back and forth in an anxious way.

"We wants it," he muttered evilly. "We needs it. Must have the precious. They stole it from us, sneaky little hobbitses. Wicked, tricksy, false!

And then his brain kicked into schizophrenic mode, and suddenly he began to have a blazing row with himself. It got a little confusing.

"No, not Master." Sméagol was insistent.

"Yes, precious," replied Gollum. "False. They will cheat you, hurt you, lie…"

"But Master's my friend."

Gollum almost choked with laughter

"You don't have any friends," he taunted. "Nobody likes you."

Sméagol put his hands to his ears in distress.

"You're a filthy, smegging, lying, smegging liar!"

Gollum's voice became low and menacing.

"You're a liar and a thief."

Sméagol shook his head and averted his gaze in shame.

"Nope… Well, yes, but still-"

"Murderer!" Gollum spoke the world with relish.

Suddenly, everything became very quiet. Sméagol began to cry.

"Go away," he pleaded.

Gollum smirked.

"Go away?" He laughed at his other half in derision.

Sméagol spoke again in a quiet voice: "I hate you, you pop-eyed balding git."

But Gollum just continued to lay into him: "Where would you be without me?" He coughed a few times: "Gollum, Gollum! I saved us. It was me. We survived because of me!"

Sméagol was silent for a moment.

"Not anymore."

Gollum frowned.

"What did you say?"

Sméagol raised his head a little, as if he had just suddenly realised something.

"Master looks after us now. We don't need you." He thought for a moment, and then gave a frown. "As useless and self-absorbed as he may be…" Sméagol's voice became a little stronger, and he continued nevertheless: "Leave now and never come back."

"No." Gollum folded his arms and pouted.

Sméagol just repeated his words: "Leave now and never come back!"

Gollum growled at him in defiance. Finally, Sméagol just lost it.

"Oh, fuck off!"

For the first time, his yell simply echoed into silence. The Sméagol side of Gollum suddenly found himself sitting there all alone. He anxiously looked around, struggling to catch his breath. He grinned.

"We... we told him to fuck off!" he cried. "And fuck off he does, precious!" He jumped down from his seat and danced about in joy, giggling in delight. "Gone, gone, gone! Sméagol is free!"

There was a loud groan from nearby. Frodo rolled over and rubbed at his tired eyes.

"Can you shut up, Sméagol? Some of us are trying to sleep!"

XXX

The next morning everything was decidedly spiffy.

The sun was shining as the two hobbits rested amidst the undergrowth, taking a chance to work on their tans. They seemed to have forgotten about their dire peril-laden quest for the time being. Suddenly, Gollum came running up and dumped a pair of dead rabbits in Frodo's lap.

"Look! Look!" he cried in delight. "See what Sméagol finds!" He guffawed in delight, a fist raised in triumph.

Frodo looked up at him with dead eyes.

"Gollum, seriously, piss off. I'm not in the mood. Somehow, I didn't get much sleep last night. I wonder why that could be?"

Gollum took up one of the rabbits and snapped its back in delight.

"They are young," he said. "They are tender. They are nice. Yes they are! Eat them! Eat them!"

He began to hungrily rip the raw flesh from the bone. Sam wrenched the dead rabbits away from Gollum and held them up by their floppy necks.

"You'll make him sick, you will, behaving like that!" he said in disgust. "There's only one way to eat a brace of coneys."

And so Sam made rabbit stew. He didn't seem to mind building up a hugely conspicuous fire in the process. Gollum, meanwhile, was having a huge hissy fit.

"What's it doing!" he cried. "Stupid fat hobbit! It ruins it!"

"What's to ruin?" Sam moaned. "There's hardly any meat on 'em."

Meanwhile, a pouty Frodo heard a strange sound upon the wind. He got up and walked away a little to investigate.

"What we need is a few good taters," said Sam.

"What's taters, precious?" asked Gollum. "What's taters, eh?"

"POTATOES!" Sam enunciated. "Boil 'em. Mash 'em. Stick 'em in a stew? Lovely big golden chips with a nice piece of fried fish..." He threw a piece of herb into the pot, thinking wistfully of home.

Frodo called over his shoulder as he started into the trees.

"Easy, Sam - you might start an internet meme if you're not careful."

Meanwhile, Gollum was sticking out his tongue in disgust. Sam gave him a look.

"Even you couldn't say no to that." He lifted the spoon to his lips and sipped at some of the rabbit stew. Then he turned and spat it onto the ground. He grimaced in distaste. "Yup, that's ready."

As he and Gollum argued about the merits of fish and chips, Sam suddenly became aware that Frodo was no longer with them. He rolled his eyes and stood up.

"Mr. Frodo?" he called. "If you're walking blindly into the face of imminent danger again I'm not coming to rescue you." He paused for a moment, waiting for an answer, then rolled his eyes and sighed. "Who am I kidding? Here I come again."

He eventually found Frodo lying down amidst some bushes. Just below them the land dipped down into a grassy valley, which was currently crawling with marching soldiers. Sam crouched down low to hide next to Frodo, and Gollum soon joined them.

"What the hell?" said Sam. "This is stretching credibility just a bit. How the hell didn't we notice the big honking army marching right below us?"

Gollum shook his head.

"They are wicked men - servants of Sauron. They are called to Mordor. The Dark One is gathering all armies to him. It won't be long now. He will soon be ready."

"Ready to do what?" asked Sam.

Gollum's eyes shone with fear.

"To make his war. The last war that will cover all the world in shadow."

Sam frowned.

"Sounds a tad melodramatic."

Frodo suddenly looked worried.

"We've got to get moving," he said. "Come on, Sam." And he made to leave, but Sam suddenly grabbed hold of his arm and gestured down below.

"Mr. Frodo, look!" he cried. "It's an Oliphaunt!" Frodo turned back. From the shelter of the trees there emerged a number of gigantic Oliphaunts, transporting dozens of Haradrim soldiers in canopies upon their backs. Their huge footfalls shook the ground. Sam stared at them in awe. "No one at home will believe this... God damn, I wish someone in Middle Earth would invent the camera."

Quietly, Gollum slipped away into the trees. Frodo sensed him gone from his side and looked around in confusion.

"Sméagol?"

Below them, all hell broke loose as a volley of arrows smashed into the Haradrim army from all sides. There were Gondorian rangers hiding amongst the trees, dressed in green cloaks with their hoods pulled down low. The Oliphaunts became agitated in the chaos; one started bellowing in pain and fear and thundered right towards Frodo and Sam's hiding place. Faramir, the lead ranger, reached back and swiftly fit an arrow to his bow, shooting down one of the soldiers riding in the Oliphaunt's canopy. The dead Haradrim fell and landed with an empty thud right next to Frodo and Sam.

"We've lingered here too long," Frodo said. "Come on, Sam!"

Sam gaped at him.

"Ya think?"

Frodo just ignored him and hurried off into the trees. Unfortunately, he managed to run smack dab into the chest of one of the Gondorian rangers in the process. A girlish moment ensued as Frodo struggled to free his sleeve from the man's grip before he was thrown roughly onto his back. There were suddenly rangers anywhere.

Sam turned and noticed his master's distress. With a cry, he drew his sword and charged at the rangers, but was quickly thrown to the ground as well. Someone put a sword to his throat.

Faramir appeared from amidst the trees. He had long brown hair and a fine beard of the same colour, and he was shaking his head incredulously.

"This is the crack team trying to foil Sauron's evil plans? I am deeply shamed."

XXX

Several leagues away, the people of Edoras continued on their way to the refuge of Helm's Deep. Despite his dislike for horses, Gimli was riding whilst he made Éowyn, a recently bereaved lady, lead it by the reins. So much for chivalry.

"It's true you don't see many Dwarf women," he was saying, with his axe slung across his shoulder. "And in fact, they are so alike in voice and appearance that they're often mistaken for Dwarf men."

Éowyn smirked and turned to exchange a look with Aragorn, who was riding behind them, again without offering any lift. The ranger gestured to his chin.

"It's the beards," he whispered. Éowyn shushed him with a smile.

Gimli continued on oblivious to their amusement: "And this, in turn, has given rise to the belief that there are no Dwarf women. And that dwarves just spring out of holes in the ground!"

Éowyn started giggling.

Legolas, who was riding ahead, reined in his horse and came to ride in slow pace next to Aragorn. He was showing off by riding side saddle and cleaning his bow at the same time.

"Do dwarf women spring out of the ground then?"

Aragorn gave a shudder.

"I hope so. Just think of how hideous the alternative would be…"

Legolas did think about it, and he duly bent over to dry heave upon the grass at the resulting imagery. Unfortunately, he knocked his bow in the process and sent an arrow skidding into the backside of Gimli's horse. It reared up in fright and galloped away, sending Gimli crashing to the ground with a loud thump.

Éowyn gasped with amusement and ran over to help the dwarf. She was laughing as she helped him to his feet and brushed the grass from his back, oblivious to the agonizing pain that he was now in from several broken bones. She looked back at Aragorn as the wind caught her hair. In that moment, their eyes met and held for a long while.

Legolas nudged a distracted Aragorn with his elbow.

"Don't waste your time on girls like that. They tend to be very proper."

The ranger snorted.

"Yeah? Well, the proper girl just eye-fucked the shit out of me."

XXX

That night Aragorn could not sleep. He rested in the long grass with his knees set before him, absently smoking his pipe of Longbottom leaf. Arwen's words echoed in his mind:

"The light of the Evenstar does not wax and wane… It is mine to give to whom I will. Like my heart…"

Aragorn closed his eyes, and his mind drifted back to that last night at Rivendell. They were in the gazebo among the trees, and a light breeze was blowing. Arwen stood by the window in a beautiful purple dress. On the chaise lounge nearby, Aragorn was fast asleep and loudly snoring.

Arwen growled and threw a shoe at his chest. The ranger jerked awake.

"Huh? Where am I?" He pushed himself up on his elbows, and rubbed at his eyes. "What happened?"

"We had sex, you idiot," moaned Arwen. "And you fell asleep afterwards. You never want to snuggle, not even on this of all nights."

She turned away to hide her frustrated tears. Aragorn pushed himself off the bed and walked over to her. He ran a hand through his sex-tousled hair.

"Min lû pennich nin i aur hen telitha. You told me once that this day would come."

Arwen turned to look at him.

"Ú i vethed... nâ i onnad. Boe bedich go Frodo. Han bâd lîn. This is not the end... it is the beginning. You must go with Frodo. That is your path."

Aragorn came to lean against the balcony railing.

"But do I have to? That bloody hobbit is always wangsting about something. And I'm sure Boromir will have no trouble keeping the Fellowship together…"

Arwen shook her head.

"Si peliannen i vâd na dail lîn. Si boe ú-dhannathach. It is already laid before your feet. You cannot falter now."

"Arwen…" he murmured.

She stopped him with a finger to his lips. Slowly, her hand slipped down to rest upon the Evenstar hanging around the ranger's neck. Aragorn took her hand in his.

"Ae ú-esteliach nad..." Arwen said, "estelio han. Estelio ammen. If you trust nothing else... trust this. Trust us."

Aragorn frowned.

"But what if I meet a really hot chick on the way to Mordor?"

She smacked him on the shoulder.

"No sex."

"Not even-?"

"No."

Aragorn pouted and flailed his arms in frustration in a Turk-like manner.

"You never let me have any fun."

She turned to him.

"You wanna talk about fun? You get to fight wargs and ride horses into battle and fight immeasurable evil throughout this trilogy. All I do for the next two movies is sit around crying and somehow randomly contract plot hole fever." She folded her arms and looked away, down into the valley of Rivendell.

Aragorn pulled her close.

"You're not useless. Who said you were useless?" She gave him the evil eye. Aragorn shook his head. "I-I mean, you get to do lots of neat stuff like…" He paused. "Well, like…" His forehead scrunched up in deep thought as he trailed off into silence.

Arwen sighed.

"Let's face it, Aragorn. The only thing I contribute to this movie is lots of heavily implied pre-marital sex that wasn't even in the books."

Aragorn's face lit up.

"Well, that isn't all bad, is it?"

And he leant in and kissed her. As the beautiful orchestral music swelled Arwen's hand slipped deftly down towards the ranger's waist and began to unbutton his-

XXX

"ARGHHHH!" Éowyn waved her arms about her head, trying to dispel the images. "TMI, okay? TMI!"

It was suddenly and inexplicably the next day, and the group were once again journeying upon the road to the refuge of Helm's Deep. Éowyn was walking alongside Aragorn, who was nursing the mother of all hangovers and regaling her with tales about his last night at Rivendell. It was getting decidedly awkward.

"So, where is she?" asked Éowyn. "The woman who gave you that jewel?" She put up a hand. "And, please, leave out the sordid details of your sex life. I don't want to hear about it unless it involves me."

Aragorn did not reply, but simply tilted his head and stared off into space in a J.D-like manner.

XXX

There was a flash of light, and suddenly Aragorn was back in Rivendell, having a rather terse discussion with Elrond a.k.a. the future father-in-law.

"Listen up, newbie," Elrond was saying. "Our time here is ending. Arwen's time is ending. Let her go. Let her take the ship into the west. Let her bear away her love for you to the Undying Lands; there it will be evergreen."

Aragorn pouted.

"But never more than a memory."

Elrond flicked at his nose and folded his arms.

"I re-he-heeally do not want to keep having this discussion, Carol. I will not leave my daughter here to die."

Aragorn frowned.

"You don't seem to have much problem doing it in the book…"

Elrond just growled and stormed past the ranger, but not without giving him his patented shoulder bump. Aragorn rubbed at his arm and frowned again, deciding to go and talk to Arwen before he left with the Fellowship that morning.

It did not go well.

"So yes…" The ranger rubbed nervously at his neck. "I was thinking, what with this whole Fellowship quest and everything. I am mortal; you are Elf kind…"

Arwen's eyes began to fill with tears.

"You're breaking up with me, aren't you?"

Aragorn chewed nervously at his lip.

"'Breakup' is such a strong word… I like to think of it more like a temporary separation. But, y'know a permanent... temporary separation…"

Arwen's expression darkened.

"If you are going to break my heart Aragorn Elessar, I want my necklace back." And she stuck out a hand and stood there, eyebrows haughtily raised.

"Hey, I bought you this bloody thing in the first place!"

"And I gave it back to you as a gesture of my eternal love." She went to snatch it away, but Aragorn closed a protective hand about the Evenstar about his neck and stuck out his tongue.

"Fine then," he said. "But I'll only give it back on one condition…" He met Arwen's eyes, and then his eyes trailed down past his belt. He looked up again and smiled hopefully. "One more for the road?"

Five seconds later, Aragorn was walking out of the clearing with the Evenstar around his neck and a black eye forming upon his face.

XXX

Back on the plains of Rohan a frustrated Éowyn stood there, snapping her fingers in front of Aragorn's face; he had been spaced out for ages. The villagers passing by gave the pair many a strange look.

"Yo, my lord?" she asked. "You in there?"

Aragorn slowly turned to gaze at her. His eyes focused again.

"Oh Eru." He slowly put a hand to his head. "I'm sorry about that. I didn't know I was so prone to lengthy flashbacks."

"Yu-Gi-Oh syndrome?"

"Uh huh." Aragorn rubbed at his eyes. "So, what were we talking about again?"

"Umm…" Éowyn thought for a moment. "Oh, yes, we were having an awkward conversation about your girlfriend."

Aragorn snapped his fingers.

"Ah yes, I remember now." There was a pause, as they both remembered that they had been having an awkward conversation about his girlfriend. Aragorn gave a rather strained grin. "So um, yes, she is sailing to the Undying Lands with all that is left of her kin, don't you know."

Éowyn batted her eyelids.

"So does that mean you're single?"

Aragorn shrugged.

"Who knows? I thought me and Arwen had this eternal-plight-our-troths-and-have-lots-of-crazy-premarital-sex deal, but now suddenly she's getting cold feet. Talk about ironic. Who woulda thought that an elven princess who has lived for a millennia could have such huge commitment issues?"

Ahead of them, Gamling and Hamá were riding along on horseback at the front of the group of travelers. Legolas stood nearby, watching them as they passed. Hamá had an anxious look upon his face.

"What is it?" asked Gamling. "Háma?"

His companion sighed.

"Have you ever wondered why we have such stupid names, Gamling?"

Gamling gave a shrug.

"My father never really loved me."

As they continued on their horses began to get restless. Háma looked about nervously.

"Hmm. I have a bad feeling about this. Minor characters never get this much screen time…"

Gamling raised an arm towards a nearby slope.

"Is it that giant warg up there that's bothering you?"

Háma shook his head.

"No no, it's something else…" He sat there in the saddle, tapping his chin in thought as said warg mounted by an orc loomed up large behind him and proceeded to bite his head off.

Gamling screamed like a sissy.

"Wargs!" he cried.

Before the warg could feast on Gamling's head, however, Legolas ran over and shot an arrow into its hide. Then he drew his knife and killed the orc upon its back.

"Don't worry," said the elf, with a big grin upon his face, "you're safe for now."

"Yes," whimpered Gamling, "'now' being the operative word." And he turned his horse around and scarpered from the field of battle.

Legolas just cleaned the blood from his knife and wandered casually over to talk to Aragorn.

"I just killed a scout," the elf said cheerily. "I'm not so useless now, am I?" He went to sheathe his knife and ended up stabbing himself in the thigh. His eye twitched in pain. "Ow."

Aragorn rolled his eyes and ran back towards the others.

"What is it?" asked Théoden. "What do you see?""

"Wargs!" cried Aragorn, his arms flailing. "We are under attack! Don't panic, everyone!"

Upon hearing the ranger's words, the people of Edoras began to panic.