As of this update I only have three chapters of The Two Towers remaining, yay! :D A smattering of scenes from the next few chapters are already written, so again updates shouldn't be as long as they are wont to be at times. Bring on Helm's Deep!

XXX

Hysterical screams filled the air as the refugees from Edoras ran in all directions, ignoring Aragorn's vain calls for them to calm down. The ranger ran over to his horse and wearily took up the reins as Théoden galloped up on his horse.

"Get them out of here!" Aragorn yelled at him. "Or at least throw some of the weaker ones to the wargs whilst we leg it! Have you people never heard of natural selection?"

Théoden brought his horse around and tried to restore some kind of order, but the people of Edoras were having none of it. They all continued screaming like extras in Godzilla movies. Everywhere riders saddled up and climbed onto their horses, readying themselves for battle; Gimli even climbed up onto his horse with some difficulty. Legolas ran up the hill and watched from the slope as an entire army of unrealistic CGI wargs barreled towards them.

Théoden hurriedly reined in his horse and called down to his niece, who was preparing her own horse: "You must lead the people to Helm's Deep. And make haste!"

"I can fight!" Éowyn protested.

"No. You're a woman, don't be absurd. I will not tolerate positive female role models in this movie!" Théoden gave her his best puppy dog expression. "You must do this... for me."

Éowyn tried to resist, but eventually she was forced to roll her eyes and admit defeat.

"Fine then." She turned away and began directing the refuges away from the battle, with a sullen frown upon her face. "One day that look is going to stop working on me…"

Théoden ignored her as he kicked at his horse's flanks and spurred it into a gallop.

"Follow me!" he yelled to his men.

Aragorn climbed up onto the back of his horse as Gimli struggled to make his go forward. The people of Edoras continued to run away blindly from the forthcoming scene of battle. Éowyn directed them towards the lower ground and then turned back to watch the Rohirrim depart; Aragorn checked his horse and gazed back at her as the others galloped onwards. They held each other's gaze for a brief moment, and then Aragorn turned and rode away.

Éowyn gave a sigh.

"Every man I meet is either creepy, taken or would rather ride off to his death than be with me…" Her eyes trailed over the rest of the company, which comprised of several dozen riders, some of whom looked suspiciously like women with beards taped to their chins. And then there was Legolas, who stole a moment to check his own reflection in his compact. And Gimli. Éowyn shuddered and left in the opposite direction. "I guess I could have picked a lot worse…"

Meanwhile the Rohirrim galloped up the slope to meet the approaching warg riders. Legolas let loose an arrow from his bow and felled one warg as it came sprinting towards them; it tumbled lifelessly to the bottom of the grassy slope. He shot another and went to reach for a third arrow, but suddenly the Rohirrim came charging up behind him. The elf jumped up and grabbed the reins of Gimli's horse, performing a completely unrealistic somersault and landing smoothly upon the saddle in front of the dwarf.

Gimli folded his arms in protest.

"Show off," he muttered. "You can totally see the switch into CGI."

Théoden led the charge as the Rohirrim thundered onwards towards the warg riders. A chorus of battle cries filled the air as the two sides finally crashed into each other like waves breaking against the rocks. Spears were flung and wargs pounced as the battle began; Gimli lasted barely ten seconds before he fell off Arod's back and landed heavily in the grass (he had been folding his arms and not holding onto anything after all). Legolas just took up the reins with a shrug and continued on, unmoved. Gimli turned to find a snarling warg feasting on a dead horse. It soon noticed him and began bearing down upon the dwarf.

Gimli brandished his axe.

"Bring your pretty face to my axe!" he growled. The warg rushed towards him, but just as it was about to leap at the dwarf Legolas rode by and felled it with one shot from his bow. Gimli sprang back as the warg landed at his feet. "That one counts as mine!" he yelled.

"Yeah, well, sucks to be you!" Legolas called as he rode away.

"Damn him," muttered Gimli. "Since when is he allowed to become the action hero of this piece?" Another warg suddenly leapt at him, however, interrupting his musings. This time Gimli killed it with one swift swing of his axe. Unfortunately, it rudely popped its clogs in mid-air and fell on top of Gimli with a heavy thud. The dwarf tried desperately to shift the carcass from on top of him, but it was about twice his size.

Nearby, Aragorn rode up and sliced the head off an orc mounted upon another warg. Théoden was also adding to his own body count. Gimli continued to try and push the dead warg from on top of him, but an orc suddenly loomed over him and raised its scimitar. Quickly, Gimli reached out and snapped its neck. It fell over dead and added to the pile of bodies on top of him. The wider scene looked like some kind of horrible orgy. The cries of fan girls could be heard everywhere.

"Oh, for Eru's sake," the dwarf complained. "It's as though the director wants to rape my character in this movie." He attempted once more to lift the weight from on top of him, but suddenly a fresh warg climbed onto the pile and bared its teeth at him. Thankfully, Aragorn just happened to be passing by and picked up a spear which was conveniently lying around. He threw it at the warg, which died instantly and landed on top of Gimli. The dwarf had all the wind knocked out of him as the warg landed on top of him. "Urgh, fine!" he moaned. "I give in! Bring on the comic relief. It's got be less painful than this…"

Forgotten amidst all this hilarious squash-the-Gimli fun was the fact that an apparently serious battle was still going on around him. Théoden stabbed his sword into the throat of a warg, whilst Aragorn was suddenly knocked off his horse by another warg which leapt at him. He landed on the grass and quickly rolled to his feet, before deciding to hitch a ride with another warg rider called Sharku.

Sharku was understandably pissed when Aragorn blasted him with a head butt, and doubly so when the ranger stabbed him in the chest; Aragorn was soon knocked off the warg and dragged alongside it. He eventually managed to throw Sharku off the warg, but his wrist ended up tangled in the saddle straps upon the warg's back. Like some kind of deformed toboggan the warg careered towards a randomly-placed cliff, taking the ranger with it. Aragorn took a deep breath as he plunged over the cliff's edge.

"Oh shi-"

Annoyingly enough, the battle was all but over by this point. Legolas stumbled amongst the remains of battle calling Aragorn's name. Gimli was not far behind him. They both paused as they approached the cliff's edge. Suddenly, an orc rider that they had thought was dead came coughing and spluttering back to life. He laughed with some difficulty; it was Sharku.

"Tell me what happened," said Gimli, brandishing his axe, "and I will ease your passing."

The orc just coughed some more.

"He's dead," he managed with a wheezing laugh. "Took a little tumble off the cliff…"

Legolas grabbed Sharku roughly by his collar.

"You lie!" he snarled. "This wasn't in the book!"

The orc did not have a chance to answer, however, as he promptly keeled over and died. Legolas noticed something shining in his hand and prized apart the orc's fingers; he held the Evenstar in his palm. Legolas took the pendant from the dead orc's hand and ran to the edge of the cliff with Gimli close behind him. They both looked down upon the raging river below them. There was no sign of the ranger.

"Aragorn fell off the cliff." Legolas frowned. "Well, I guess this is the origin of that…"

Behind them, men were bustling about in the wake of the battle. Théoden approached them with a grim look upon his face.

"Get the wounded on horses," he ordered his men. "The wolves of Isengard will return. Leave the dead."

Legolas raised an eyebrow.

"Dude, you really need to work on your people skills." He gestured to the river. "Apparently deceased friend and all." Théoden just shrugged and walked off. Legolas stared glumly at the water raging below them. He shook his head and murmured again: "But this wasn't in the book…"

"Shhh." Gimli looked about shiftily for any purists who might be hiding nearby. "Don't encourage them."

XXX

Safely away from the heat of battle, the people of Edoras burst into cries of relief as they saw the refuge of Helm's Deep appear upon the horizon. A large stone fortress fashioned from the living rock, it lay nestled at the base of a large mountain like a completely useless lighthouse. Éowyn paused at the top of the slope whilst the people began excitedly descending it, still burdened with their earthly goods.

"We're safe, my lady!" An old woman with matted hair approached Éowyn with a smile. "Thank you!"

Éowyn just shook her head.

"For what?" she said. "All I did was walk a few hundred metres in this direction. For Eru's sake, it only took us about five minutes to escape the battle. It's not really that huge an accomplish-" Éowyn realized the woman was blinking at her in confusion. "I-I mean, yay!" She flung her arms in the air. "We barely established characters escaped the battle whilst Aragorn just apparently died. Let's all celebrate!" The woman gave another smile and then passed her by and started down the slope. Éowyn lowered her arms and followed her with a sigh. "The Return of the King •cannot• come fast enough…"

They soon reached Helm's Deep, and after a long conversation with a man upon the battlements with an outrageous French accent the gates swung inwards and they were admitted in. Apparently the entire population of Middle Earth had been living inside this fortress all along. There were peasants and soldiers everywhere, tending to the sick, gathering food and moving supplies back and forth.

Meanwhile, Éothain and Freda ran happily towards their mother, Morwen, who scooped them up in her arms and hugged them tight. Nobody else seemed to care about this happy reunion, however; they were far more interested in the fact that Théoden and his company came bursting through the gates and riding up towards the inner courtyard.

"Make way for the king!" cried Gamling.

Éowyn noticed the commotion going on below and rushed through the crowds to meet her uncle as the riders dismounted in the courtyard. Her face fell when she noticed their depleted numbers.

"So few," she murmured. "So few of you have returned…"

Théoden dismounted from his horse and looked around sadly. Then he helped a wounded soldier down from his own horse.

"Our people are safe," he replied. "We have paid for it with many lives."

Éowyn did not care, however, about expendable extras. She continued to crane her neck, searching amidst the survivors for any sign of a certain dashing ranger.

"My lady..." It was Gimli. He approached Éowyn with his axe at his side and his helmet removed. She turned to face him with a questioning look.

"Lord Aragorn," she asked, "where is he?"

Gimli's voice trembled as he spoke.

"He fell..."

Éowyn froze in shock, her eyes slowly filling with tears. She looked up and exchanged a look with Théoden, who simply gazed at her for a moment and then silently made up the stairs towards the Keep. Éowyn turned back to Gimli and shook her head.

"A-Are you sure he is dead? Like, seen-the-body-and-poked-it-repeatedly-with-a-stick dead?" Her eyes desperately searched Gimli's face. "Because this wouldn't be the first time that a guy I fancied went off and faked his own death…"

The dwarf just put a comforting hand upon her shoulder and then walked away, leaving Éowyn to lower herself disbelievingly onto a barrel of wine. She'd never even had the chance to tell him all the names she had prepared for their children.

XXX

Up high upon the battlements, an unruffled Théoden was surveying the defences with a small company of men.

"Draw all our forces behind the wall," he ordered. "Bar the gate, and set a watch on the surround."

Gamling followed his liege as he drew away from the wall.

"What of those who cannot fight, my lord? The women and children?"

Théoden shook his head in disapproval as he descended the steps.

"Those bloody women and children. They always get the special treatment. It's all shelter this and lifeboats that…" He continued on, past a pool of stagnant water which was flowing in through a culvert in the outer wall. Dozens of bedraggled peasants sat or stood about, eating their meager rations or huddling about the warmth of a flaming barrel. Théoden evidently did not care about their plight. "Get them into the caves," he conceded. "Saruman's arm would have grown long indeed if he thinks he can reach us here."

Gamling stopped and gazed at his arms for a moment, confused with this expression, and then he continued on and followed Théoden towards the Keep, ignoring an ex-leper who began enthusiastically harassing him for alms.

XXX

Over at Orthanc, Wormtongue just happened to be talking about the Rohirrim defences. A convenient voice over ensued: "Helm's Deep has one weakness," he explained. "Its outer wall is solid rock but for a small culvert at its base which is little more than a drain." He paused and thought for a moment. "But come to think of it, there is a convenient side door that leads from the keep…"

Wormtongue held a candle aloft in the darkened chamber. Saruman was pouring something that resembled gravel into a stone vessel with immense concentration. Wormtongue stepped in closer.

"How?" he asked. "How can fire undo stone? What kind of device could bring down the wall?" His question was soon answered as he leant down to examine the contents of the vessel. There was a loud bang and a spark of flames; Wormtongue dropped his candle in fright. He put a hand to his forehead in panic. "Oh Eru, did I just singe my eyebrows?"

Saruman wiped the soot from his face with a sigh.

"You don't have any eyebrows, you idiot." The wizard rolled his eyes and turned to walk over to the balcony. Wormtongue hurried after him. "If the wall is breached," he continued, "Helm's Deep will fall."

"I still think it would be much easier if we just went through the side door…" Wormtongue trailed off as he stepped out onto the balcony and saw the terrific sight that awaited them. Below stood an immense army; thousands upon thousands of Uruk-hai were arranged in companies below them, brandishing spears and standards and arrayed in gleaming battle armour. They swept like a sea across the Ring of Isengard. Wormtongue gazed at the sight in awe. "Holy mackerel…"

From somewhere below a horn blared, and the air was suddenly filled with the clamour of cheers and the beating of weapons upon armour. Saruman raised a hand and bowed his head a little in humility.

"Thank you all for coming out tonight," he said. With a frown, he reached down and tapped at the microphone before him. "Is this thing on?" A blare of static soon greeted him. He smiled. "Ah, that's better. As I was saying… A new power is rising. Its victory is at hand!" Loud cheers and catcalls rose to greet him. A pair of underpants even landed on his head. Saruman peeled them off with a frown. "I don't know how those got all the way up here…" He shook his head. "Never mind. This night, the land will be stained with the blood of Rohan! March to Helms Deep! Leave none alive!" He raised his arms dramatically. "To war!" The army roared its approval. Saruman gave an evil smile. "There will be no dawn for men."

A tear slid down Wormtongue's cheek at the sight before him. Whether because he found the sight immensely beautiful or because he felt guilty at what he had done, nobody bothered to explain. Damn them.

XXX

"...and that, my friends, is how we know the Earth to be banana shaped…"

Merry and Pippin continued to ride upon Treebeard through the thick trees of Fangorn, and somehow continued to search deep within themselves for the strength not to simply leap off the Ent's back to their grisly deaths. Suddenly, Pippin noticed something upon the horizon. He roused Merry from his slumber and pointed excitedly across the tree canopy.

"Look!" he cried. "There's smoke to the south!"

"There is always smoke rising from Isengard these days," mused Treebeard.

"Isengard?" said Merry.

The two hobbits exchanged a look and then began to climb up Treebeard to gain a better view.

"There was a time when Saruman would walk in my woods," Treebeard mused. "But now he has a mind of metal and wheels. He no longer cares for growing things."

Pippin and Merry just ignored Treebeard as they reached his uppermost branches and peered out across the landscape. An enormous army was marching across the plain from Isengard in perfect formation.

"What is it?" asked Pippin.

"It's a dance troupe of hot cross buns, what do you think it is?" Merry rolled his eyes. "It's Saruman's army, you twit. The war has obviously started."

"War?" Pippin turned to Merry. "What war?"

Merry did not bother to reply; he simply shoved the unfortunate hobbit from his perch. There was a muted yelp as Pippin plunged twenty feet into the trees below.

XXX

Several leagues away, an obviously-not-dead Aragorn was floating insensible in the river. He soon washed ashore and settled upon the bank, drifting in and out of consciousness. Arwen appeared in his dreams, leaning down to give him an obligatory kiss before fading away.

"May the grace of the Valar protect you," she whispered.

Aragorn soon began to stir. Eventually, a random horse arrived and began to nuzzle him into action. It was his steed, Brego, who apparently hadn't gotten the note that this was not the extended edition. Somewhere in the distance Aragorn could hear a faint squeeeee! He tangled his fingers in Brego's mane and weakly pulled himself to his feet and eventually onto the horse's back.

"We better get out of here, Brego," he murmured. "I think the fangirls are getting closer."

And so they set off back to Helm's Deep.

XXX

A bunch more leagues away Arwen was lying in her bed and staring at the ceiling of her bedroom, feeling a sudden pang of jealousy which she did not understand. Everything around her was shiny and blue, and she wondered whether the colour graders knew she was in Rivendell and not Lothlórien.

"Arwen."

She bolted upright in bed. Elrond was standing there in the doorway, looking angsty. Arwen hugged her teddy bear tightly to her chest.

"Do you mind?" she said, with a pouty face. "I was busy angsting. You could've knocked."

Elrond evidently did not care about courtesy: "The ships are here. Piss off."

Arwen shook her head.

"I have made my choice."

"Whatever." Elrond tapped his foot impatiently. "He's not coming back. There's no hope, despite what everyone else in this film keeps saying. Also, The Return of the King? That's just a typo."

She frowned. Elrond walked across the room and decided to begin an angsty monologue, just to cement the general feeling of angst already apparent in the room, the gist of which was: "Aragorn will die. You will be sad. You will die also. Got it?" As he spoke there came into Arwen's mind a vision of herself, standing in mourning garb and swishy veil, standing over Aragorn's dead body and looking just slightly angsty. The book purists sat there grinding their teeth (although they did perk up at a certain quote from the book) whilst the rest of the audience 'oohed' at the pretty imagery or nipped off to the bathroom. Arwen then walked beneath the trees of Lothlórien and died, or something. All of which served to make her even more angsty,

Elrond turned back to her as he finished. A single tear ran down Arwen's cheek as the vision faded.

"Arwen," he said, with absolutely no hint of pity. "There is nothing for you here, only death." Arwen took a deep breath and turned to her father as more tears fell. How the fact that Aragorn would die had not occurred to her before was anyone's guess. "So," said Elrond, coming over and sitting next to her, "Have I guilted you into sailing then?"

She just shrugged and hugged her teddy bear even tighter.

"Whatever. As long as I can angst some more."