Fast update is fast :D Hehe, I was determined that I would update this fic as much as possible before the end of the summer and I think I've done pretty well, considering that I didn't have much written in preparation for these chapters.

I just had a LOTR movie marathon recently, and I've also been watching all of the documentaries again so watch out for tons of behind-the-scenes jokes ^_^ I do so love referencing such.

XXX

And so many of the elves of Rivendell donned shimmery cloaks, took up nifty lanterns and set off on the road to the vaguely-established Grey Havens. Arwen went with them, for there was seemingly only one chartered voyage to these aforementioned Havens and it left in the next few days. Apparently she had never heard of the whole concept of 'wait-and-see'.

Elrond watched her depart from afar. As his daughter slowly turned towards him with an expression of resigned sadness, he raised a hand and gave her a cheery wave. Arwen just rolled her eyes and carried on.

Suddenly into Elrond's head there came the sound of Galadriel's voice speaking random lines of elvish from the prologue. The elf lord stood there with folded arms and tapped his foot impatiently until she had something new to say.

"The power of the enemy is growing," she said finally, as conveniently appropriate images flashed across the screen. "Sauron will use his puppet Saruman to destroy the people of Rohan. Isengard has been unleashed. The eye of-"

"Hey, hey," Elrond spoke to the air before him, wagging a chastising finger, "do you mind? I don't just start randomly projecting telepathic thoughts into your head without warning. Arwen has finally pissed off to the Havens, and I was looking forward to having a little alone time to practice my patronizing voice and lack of empathy. These things don't come naturally, you know."

Elrond heard Galadriel give a disbelieving laugh.

"Alone time?" she cried. "So that time that you started up a telepathic chat whilst I was in the bathtub doesn't count then?"

Elrond raised a guilty hand to the eye which was still bruised from that incident.

"Yes, I remember it well. Celeborn punched me telepathically right in the face."

"Anyways," Galadriel said in exasperation, "could we maybe get back to the dire peril of Middle Earth at hand?"

"Sure, sure." Elrond waved a hand, still speaking to a tree in front of him. "Monologue away."

And so Galadriel continued her dramatic monologue, which simply served to tell the audience things that they already knew e.g. Sauron is evil, men are evil, the Ring is evil. Evil. Evil. Evil. And as she spoke Faramir and his men led Frodo and Sam along the secret ways into Henneth Annûn.

"For Sauron will have dominion of all life on this Earth," she continued, "even unto the ending of the world. The time of the Elves is over." Whilst she spoke Elrond had wandered into his library, and was intently studying a piece by Van Gogh. "Do we leave Middle-earth to its fate?" Galadriel asked solemnly. "Do we let them stand alone?"

Elrond firmly turned and walked away.

"Yes, nuts to them, I say."

XXX

In the hidden refuge of Henneth Annûn, Faramir was having an expositionary discussion with his men. The cave was dark, illuminated by a handful of candles. A man called Madril unfurled a set of directions that he had pulled off MapQuest and laid it upon the table.

"What news?" asked Faramir.

"Well," said Madril. "My wife's just had another daughter, and to tell you the truth I was really hoping that I might get a raise to help pay for-"

"What news from the war?" clarified Faramir, with a roll of his eyes. "Minor characters don't have personal lives."

"Oh right." Madril cleared his throat sheepishly. "Er, our scouts report Saruman has attacked Rohan. Théoden's people have fled to Helm's Deep." His finger trailed across the map and pointed at the corresponding spot. "There's gonna be a hell of a battle scene over there shortly. If you think your character gets ill-treated in this adaptation just wait until you see what they do to Haldir…" He met Faramir's eye, and sensed that the man did not wish to discuss the finer details of his character arc. Madril shook his head and continued: "But we must look to our own borders. Faramir, Orcs are on the move. Sauron is marshalling an army. Easterlings and Southrons are passing through the Black Gate."

"How many?" replied Faramir.

"Well, there are technically two gates in its design, hence the name Black Gate, singular, is rendered rather redundant-"

"How many Easterlings and Southrons?" emphasized Faramir, nursing the beginnings of a headache.

"Oh." Madril grinned awkwardly. "Some thousands. More come every day."

Faramir put his head in his hands and sighed.

"I can't believe I have to deal with this shit. Whatever happened to the concept of the spoilt younger child?" He rubbed at his tired eyes and then gestured to the map again. "Who's covering the river to the north?"

Madril shrugged.

"We pulled 500 men at Osgiliath, but if the city is attacked we won't hold it."

Faramir studied the map spread before him intently. Then he raised a hand and traced the geography of each location.

"Saruman attacks from Isengard," he noted. "Sauron from Mordor. The fight will come to men on both fronts." He looked up at the camera and spoke in a very slow and clear voice: "Take note of the geography, casual audience. Things are gonna get hella confusing pretty soon. Don't say I didn't warn you."

Madril gave his commander a weird look.

"Um, Faramir, who are you talking to?"

Faramir just gave a sigh.

"Again with the Fourth Wall reference overkill…"

XXX

Elsewhere in the cave, Frodo and Sam were freed and pretty much left to their own devices. A ranger named Damrod lingered in the background, keeping a close eye upon the pair, but apart from that nobody really gave a crap that they were there. In the background a waterfall had been rigged to fall in a nifty screen across the mouth of the cave.

Faramir eventually wandered into the cave and lowered himself onto an outcrop of rock beside them.

"My men tell me that you are Orc spies," he said.

"Spies?" cried Sam in protest. "Now wait just a minute!"

Faramir gave a smirk.

"Well if you're not spies, then who are you?"

The two hobbits remained silent. Faramir exchanged a sardonic look with Damrod, who was still sitting nearby.

"Well," muttered Faramir, "I don't know about you but I'm convinced."

"We are hobbits of the Shire," insisted Frodo. "Frodo Baggins is my name and this is Samwise Gamgee."

Sam doffed an imaginary hat.

"Evening."

Faramir simply folded his arms: "And where is your skulking friend? That gangrel creature; he had an ill-favoured look."

Frodo shook his head.

"But we haven't seen Gimli in weeks-" He was cut off by an elbow to the gut. Sam put a finger to his lips and very conspicuously signaled for the ring-obsessed hobbit to be quiet. Frodo straightened again, although a little winded. "There was no other," he insisted.

Faramir raised an eyebrow.

"Seriously, on a scale of one to ten just how dumb do you think I am?" He leant a hand upon his knee and tapped one foot impatiently upon the ground. "So come on then – tell me all about the Quest of which you are sworn to the utmost secrecy."

And so Frodo told Faramir without hesitation: "We set out from Rivendell with six companions. And Legolas." He exchanged a look with Sam. "One we lost in Moria. Two were my kin. A Dwarf there was also, and an Elf. And two men, Aragorn, son of Arathorn, and Boromir of Gondor." Frodo paused as he took in Faramir's expression. "Would you like me to tell you their blood types and pant sizes too?"

"Yeah," chimed in Sam, "I remember Aragorn's measurements were off the charts…"

Faramir shook his head, however; one of the names had caught his attention.

"You're a friend of Boromir?" he asked.

Frodo looked about shiftily, feeling the colour rise in his cheeks.

"Yes… for my part."

Faramir studied the two hobbits quietly for a moment.

"It will grieve you then," he murmured, "to learn that he is dead."

Frodo's eyes widened in shock.

"Dead? How? When? How…?"

"As one of his companions," said Faramir, "I'd hoped you would tell me." His expression became grave. "He was my brother."

The hobbits stared at Faramir in shock for a moment. Then Sam raised a hand to his chin and nodded in familiarity.

"Ah yes, I see the family resemblance now…" And he mimed a substantial nose upon his own profile. Frodo nodded along as he suddenly noticed it too.

Faramir's face fell.

"This is the movie adaptation, not the book, folks. I think you'll find I am not so forgiving as I am wont to be. Don't push your luck."

And he stormed off to go and stare self-consciously into the mirror.

XXX

A few hours later darkness had fallen. Faramir sat deep in thought with an anxious expression upon his face. There were footsteps behind him as one of the rangers approached; the man clapped a hand upon Faramir's shoulder.

"Captain Faramir," he whispered, "we found the third one."

Faramir stirred and lifted his gaze towards the ranger.

"I'm dying to ask…" He lifted a hand and gestured to his face. "Do you think I have a big nose?"

The ranger just shook his head in despair and turned to leave, his job done. Faramir eventually got over his insecurities and went to go and rouse Frodo, who was none too happy to be woken up at this hour. He staggered half-asleep after Faramir, who led him outside and to the rocks which led up to the edge of the waterfall. Down below was the Forbidden Pool, and Frodo saw Gollum fishing in its waters.

"To enter the forbidden pool bears the penalty of death," said Faramir. He gestured to the bushes, where various archers were hidden with their weapons poised and ready. "They wait for my command. Shall I shoot?"

Frodo looked down incredulously at the pool far below, where Gollum was slapping a still-wriggling fish upon the rocks. He ran a hand through his mussed-up hair.

"What on Middle Earth is so great about this pool that it is forbidden?" The hobbit raised an eyebrow as he stared down at the waters below. "Talk about pretentious."

Faramir raised a hand, meaning to object to the hobbit's words, but then he frowned and fell silent. After a moment he shook his head.

"It has nothing to do with pretension - it is the principle of the thing!"

"What principle?" cried Frodo. "It's just a bloody pool. What is so special about it?"

"Well…" Faramir struggled for words. "I-It is very shiny, you know."

Frodo just rolled his eyes and pushed past the ranger, making his way down the rocks towards the pool below.

"He is our guide," the hobbit said. "Now please refrain from shooting me while I go down and talk to him." The next moment there was a cry and a sharp thud. Frodo nursed his aching foot and turned to glare at one of the archers, who had accidentally let slip an arrow from his bow.

"Sorry," said the man sheepishly.

Frodo just rolled his eyes again and continued down the rocks. By the pool below Gollum was busy eating his fish raw. Frodo approached him cautiously, being careful to avoid falling on the slippery rocks by the water's edge.

"Sméagol," he said. Gollum looked up, and Frodo gave a little wave. "Hey there. No hard feelings about the whole abandoning-us-in-the-face-of-grave-danger thing. Let's continue on our suicide mission to Mordor, shall we?"

Gollum studied the hobbit carefully for a moment, his fish forgotten.

"We must go now?" he asked.

"Pretty much," said Frodo with a shrug. "You coming with?"

Gollum frowned.

"But what about those evil men that brought you here?"

Frodo waved off the suggestion with a nervous laugh.

"Don't worry about them. I'm apparently safe and sound now. This is obviously not a ridiculous ploy to grab you or anything…" He looked about shiftily. "Um, forget that last bit, will you? Come on now. This film is really beginning to drag."

With a wary frown Gollum put his fish in between his teeth and crawled after Frodo. Suddenly there was a rustling in the bushes; a number of rangers sprung out of hiding and grabbed Gollum, who subsequently dropped his fish with an indignant cry.

Frodo rolled his eyes for the third time that night.

"Geez, Gollum," he said. "I never realized you could be so gullible. You are worse than Samwise Gamgee when someone tells him there is a free buffet-"

"Where?" Sam emerged from the bushes the next moment, breathing heavily. He had obviously just run a mile. "I heard the word 'buffet'."

"Sorry, Sam," said Frodo, staring at the hobbit incredulously. "I just mentioned it while making a point to Gollum here…"

Sam folded his arms and scowled.

"Yes, well, let's try to be a little more careful when we use that word."

And he stormed off back to the cave. Frodo just shook his head as he followed his friend inside. The rangers dragged Gollum in after them.

"And I thought I had problems…"

XXX

After the rangers had all had a nice game of kick-the-Gollum, Faramir somehow deduced from the creature's ramblings that the hobbits were in possession of the Ring of Power. Just to spite the purists further, he gave Gollum another swift kick before leaving the room to go and talk to Frodo.

Gollum remained sprawled upon the floor, clutching his stomach in pain.

"Why does everyone in this movie keep hitting me?" he moaned.

Meanwhile, Sam and Frodo were killing time in a storage room somewhere in the back of the cave. Sam was leaning against the wall, impatiently tapping his fingers upon the top of a barrel, while Frodo lay upside down with his feet propped against the wall.

"Sam?"

"Yes, Frodo?"

Frodo clasped his hands together behind his hand and gave a sigh.

"Do you ever get the feeling that we are just killing time in this movie?"

Sam weakly shrugged.

"Meh, at least we don't have to endure all those night shoots."

There was a noise from the corridor outside. The two hobbits scrambled to their feet as Faramir appeared in the doorway, looking ambiguously evil. He unsheathed his sword.

"So," he murmured, "this is the answer to all the riddles. Here in the wild I have you, two halflings and a host of men at my call…. the Ring of power within my grasp." Faramir slowly approached Frodo and touched his sword to the hobbit's throat, carefully hooking the Ring upon its chain and drawing it out from under Frodo's shirt. Sam just stood there, apparently unaffected by his master's plight. "A chance for Faramir, captain of Gondor, to show his quality…"

Frodo just glared at the man.

"Um, ow?" He reached out a finger and touched it to the sword tip, slowly pushing the blade away from where it was hovering at his throat. "I don't just walk up to you and shove a sword against your throat. Talk about rude."

Faramir lowered his sword, feeling suddenly embarrassed. Frodo walked off and sulked in the corner with his arms folded. Sam wagged a finger at Faramir.

"Stop it!" he cried. "Leave him alone. Don't you understand? He's going to destroy it. That's where we're going, into Mordor. To the mountain of fire."

"Hmm." Faramir returned his sword to its sheath. "Guess it sucks to be you."

Frodo snatched a glance over his shoulder.

"Tell me about it…"

Just to conveniently heighten the tension of the situation, Damrod came bursting into the room at that exact moment. He leant in and began to murmur something urgent to Faramir, but Sam broke in with an indignant cry.

"Hey, much with the rude! Why can't you just say what you have to say loud enough for everyone to hear, huh?"

Damrod stammered a little.

"I-I just-"

"You just what?" cried Sam. "Come on, out with it! What is so bloody important that you have to come and whisper it into your commander's ear, regardless of who else is in the room? Huh?"

By now Faramir had turned to his soldier, and he was impatient to hear what the man had to say as well. Damrod looked around the room at all of the expectant faces now watching him and sighed.

"I was just going to say that we have run out of toilet paper…" His voice was deadpan as he turned back to Faramir and added: "Oh yes, and Osgiliath is under attack. They call for reinforcements. Dire peril and all that."

And Damrod turned and left Faramir and the hobbits to stew in their own awkwardness.

XXX

Elsewhere, a seemingly-not-dead Aragorn rode on swiftly towards Helm's Deep. He stopped his horse for a moment as he saw a horrifying sight stretching out across the plains before him. It was Saruman's army, and it was immense. Suddenly Aragorn was tempted to simply turn his horse around and leg it in the opposite direction.

But then again, there was a rather hot chick at Helm's Deep waiting for him. And his companions. And Legolas. And he supposed all those bedraggled women and children would probably need his help as well, what with the immense army of Uruk-hai which was currently matching straight towards them…

Aragorn gave a sigh. He supposed that he had better stay. He patted Brego upon the neck.

"Mae carnen, Brego, mellon nîn," he said. "Well done, Brego, my friend." Then his tone became conspiratorial as he leant in closer. "If you tell anyone about what happened on the riverbank, I will deny everything. Dom will never let me hear the end of it…"

And so once he had received firm assurances from Brego that he would stay silent, Aragorn took up the reins and spurred the horse on towards the fortress in the distance. Soon enough the ranger was galloping up the bridge towards the gates of Helm's Deep. The people gathered behind the walls exchanged looks and gasps of wonder as he rode through the crowds and up towards the Keep.

"He didn't fall?" cried one of the refugees. "Inconceivable!"

His friend frowned.

"You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."

Aragorn ignored all of this attention from the extras, however, and continued on up to the Keep. He soon reined in and dismounted from his horse. Gimli pushed his way through the murmuring crowd which had gathered and stared at the ranger in disbelief.

"I thought you were dead!" he cried.

Aragorn gave a shrug.

"It just so happens that I was only mostly dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead."

Gimli just pulled Aragorn in for a giant hug. The ranger pushed him away in disgust at the slash potential and asked the urgent question: "Gimli, where is the king?"

The dwarf gestured towards the Keep behind him. Aragorn left him and hurried through the crowd. He was stopped in his tracks by a certain elf.

"Le ab-dollen," said Legolas, with a smile. "You're late." The elf suddenly sobered, however, as he took in Aragorn's condition. "You look terrible."

"Well, thanks." Aragorn's face fell. "Such a nice thing to say to your friend when he has just apparently died. I hope you die screaming with sharp things in your head."

A few feet away, Éowyn was trying to get some of the refuges sleeping upon the steps to move along, but they were having none of it. She stopped short when she saw the apparently-not-dead Aragorn standing there, enduring a hug from a sobbing Legolas. The elf soon drew out the Evenstar necklace and handed it to the ranger. Éowyn felt a pang in her heart at the sight.

"Goddamn," she thought to herself with a frown. "Everyone gets to date that guy except me. Stupid sexy Aragorn."

XXX

The obviously-not-dead Aragorn ignored Éowyn for now and pushed open the doors to the Keep in suitably sexy slow motion. Théoden and his men were apparently having a party in his absence, and seemed greatly disappointed when they saw that the ranger was back. Théoden removed his ridiculous paper hat fashioned into a crown with a glum look upon his face.

"A great host, you say?" said Théoden, once he had been acquainted with Aragorn's amazing tales of derring-do.

"Yes," said the ranger, with a roll of his eyes, "that is what I just finished telling you. All Isengard is emptied."

Théoden stood with his back to the ranger, his eyes betraying his fear. Everybody had gathered in the chamber after Aragorn's miraculous arrival.

"How many?" he asked.

"Ten thousand strong at least," said Aragorn. "Plastic toys of your lordship. From your skull scanned in a small dark room, my lord... Shall I tell them it's alright, my lord?"

Théoden turned towards the ranger in confusion.

"Pardon?"

Legolas just sniggered in the background as someone's cellphone began to ring.