Thank you all so much for the lovely reviews ^_^ I thought I had just one more chapter of The Two Towers left to write, but there is so much material left I'll probably end up squeezing it into two. I can't believe I am nearly two thirds of the way through this behemoth :D The home stretch is in sight!
XXX
Despite his seemingly-apparent-but-obviously-not-dead condition Aragorn joined Legolas and Gimli as they followed King Théoden along the route behind the Deeping Wall. Théoden was relaying orders to Gamling who, after scarpering from the field of battle during the warg attack, had eventually been found at Helm's Deep shivering in a box.
"I want every man and strong lad able to bear arms to be ready for battle by nightfall," Théoden explained.
Behind him, Gimli cleared his throat awkwardly. It sounded suspiciously like the word 'sexist'. Théoden gave the dwarf the evil eye as Gamling quietly slipped away to go and recruit the soldiers. By now the group had reached the open gates of Helm's Deep.
"As I was saying," continued Théoden, with a lingering glance at the dwarf, "we will cover the causeway and the gate from above. No army has ever breached the Deeping Wall or set foot inside the Hornburg."
The three Hunters all exchanged a surreptitious look. This guy was just asking for it, seriously.
"This is no rabble of mindless Orcs," insisted Gimli. "These are Uruk-hai. Their armour is thick and their shields broad. You are all royally screwed."
Théoden raised an eyebrow: "I have fought many wars, Master Dwarf. I know how to defend my own keep."
"Hmm yes," said Gimli, "'cause you've been doing such a swell job up until now…"
Théoden glared daggers at him.
"And what would a dwarf know of the wars of men?"
Gimli laughed contemptuously.
"Obviously you have not heard of the legendary battles of the dwarves!"
Théoden scowled and touched a hand to the hilt of his sword. Before things could escalate further, however, Aragorn had stepped in between the two.
"Geez, calm the hell down will you?" he cried. "You're both worse than Samwise Gamgee when he has shown up late for a buffet."
Although the atmosphere remained rather prickly, Théoden left without another word and the group returned inside the safety of the walls.
"They will break upon this fortress like water on rock," soliloquized Théoden. "Saruman's hordes will pillage and burn, we've seen it before." He passed through crowds of refugees as he spoke, apparently oblivious to the horror which grew upon their faces at his words. Apparently they did not understand the concept of a 'soliloquy'. Théoden continued on oblivious: "Crops can be resown; homes rebuilt. Within these walls, we will outlast them."
"They do not come to destroy Rohan's crops or villages," insisted Aragorn. "They come to destroy its people - down to the last child." Nearby, a female refugee covered her child's ears in distress. Aragorn rolled his eyes and turned to her. "You can't protect them forever, you know!"
Théoden had stopped in his tracks by now. He turned to face Aragorn in frustration and grabbed the ranger by the collar. Again with the sexual tension.
"What would you have me do?" he asked. "Look at my men. Their courage hangs by a thread." As he spoke a number of guards behind him quietly deserted their posts. "If this is to be our end, then I would have them make such an end as to be worthy of remembrance!"
"Dude, it's obvious you have a suicide wish. Don't drag the rest of us into it." Aragorn brushed off Théoden's hand from its grip upon his collar. "Send out riders, my lord. You must call for aid. Or at least some pizza."
"And who will come?" cried Théoden. "Elves? Dwarves? We are not so lucky in our friends as you. The old alliances are dead."
"Hmm, well, it's hard to understand why." Aragorn rolled his eyes. "You all have such great people skills in Rohan…" He thought for a moment and then said: "Gondor will answer."
"Gondor?" mocked Théoden. "Don't be absurd - Jackson is saving that set piece for the third movie. So no, my lord Aragorn, we are alone." And Théoden promptly walked away, calling out orders to non-existent men as he went.
Aragorn shook his head wearily and then turned around, with half a mind to go and ask Éowyn if she wanted a quickie before their impending grisly deaths. He almost had a heart attack when he found Legolas standing behind him, smiling cheerily.
"Legolas?" he cried, putting a hand to his chest. "How long have you been standing there?"
The elf shrugged.
"I don't really have anything else to do plot-wise in this movie, so I thought I would just trail around after you for the next five or six hours…"
Aragorn just groaned as he pushed past the elf and made down the steps to go and visit the armoury. A flock of carrion crows wheeled over the battlements above them as he went.
"Seriously, Legolas, it's at times like this when I don't blame the fangirls for drawing the wrong conclusions about us…"
XXX
Many leagues away in the heart of Fangorn Forest, Treebeard had reached a large clearing amongst the trees. The two comatose hobbits upon his back were suddenly roused from sleep as he spoke.
"We Ents have not troubled about the wars of men and wizards for a very long time," Treebeard said. "But now something is about to happen that has not happened for an age: Entmoot."
"What's that?" asked a bleary-eyed Merry.
Pippin frowned as he gave a stretch.
"Sounds like a Swedish rock festival."
Treebeard shook his head: "'Tis a gathering."
"A gathering of what?" said Merry.
Suddenly there was a series of creaks and groans from the trees around them; the hobbits turned around to see other Ents emerging from the forest on all sides.
"Beech, oak, chestnut, ash..." Treebeard nodded in approval as the Ents arrived. "Good, good, good. Many have come. Now we must decide if the Ents will go to war."
"So what?" asked Merry, raising an eyebrow. "Are we just going to stand around, making a redundant decision about whether we go to war or not for the next hour? Let me make it easier for you: will the Ents go to war? YES!"
Everybody just ignored him, however. After all, Jackson needed to do something to stretch out this film trilogy to nine hours.
Merry turned to Pippin with a sigh.
"Seriously, what on earth have we even done in this film? Just rode along on a gigantic tree for hours on end and gotten our family jewels crushed in the process…" He shifted a little where he sat, hissing uncomfortably through his teeth.
Pippin gave a shrug and answered: "Remember what Frodo said: 'In a world filled with mirth and magic, you lose time in yourself.'
Merry tried very hard not to push Pippin from Treebeard's back again.
"Pippin," he said despairingly, "sometimes I can't believe how gullible you are…"
His fellow hobbit beamed with pride.
"Thanks."
XXX
Back at Helm's Deep, the women and young children were being shepherded into the Glittering Caves, effectively disposing of several hundred extras for the duration of the battle. Many a young lad or wizened senior was dragged away to be recruited for battle, serving to piss off the females in the audience even further. Éowyn simply gave a sigh and followed the other women deeper into the caverns, muttering a mantra of 'Return of the King' over and over to herself as she massaged her temples.
Elsewhere, as further testament to their relative uselessness for the rest of the trilogy, Legolas and Gimli continued to trail Aragorn as the ranger paid a visit to the armoury. It was filled with men arming themselves with battered swords and shields. The ranger looked about him glumly.
"Farmers, farriers, stable boys," he muttered. "These are no soldiers."
"Most have seen too many winters," said Gimli.
"Or too few." Legolas glanced around for a moment, and then added: "Look at them. They're frightened. I can see it in their eyes." The room fell silent at his words. Awkward was an understatement. "Boe a hûn: neled herain dan caer menig!" he added. "And they should be... Three hundred against ten thousand!"
Gimli frowned: "Sounds just like Zulu."
Aragorn shook his head in despair.
"Seriously, Legolas, your elvish is appalling. And what's with the sudden despair? Four scenes ago you were just joking with me about my apparent death."
The elf shrugged.
"Beats me," he said. "But it serves as good fodder for angst fic." Aragorn gave a sigh. The elf carried on regardless: "Belain na le! Aragorn, we are warriors. They cannot win this fight. They are all going to die!"
The ranger was about to fiercely retort, as per the directions in the script, but instead he lowered his hand and paused.
"Legolas, did you just say the English part in elvish and the elvish part in English?"
"The who whatting how with huh?"
The ranger just rolled his eyes at the elf's stupidity and stormed out of the room, leaving Legolas and Gimli alone with a room full of armed and royally pissed-off Rohirrim. Gimli gave a smile and waved meekly at the men as they slowly advanced on the pair, their spears and swords raised in anticipation.
"So yes," Gimli stammered, "anybody here seen The Alamo?"
XXX
In the main hall of the Keep Gamling was busy dressing King Théoden in his armour, since apparently the guy was too important to bother doing it himself. From outside a bright light kept flashing in and out of focus as people rushed to and fro, getting ready for battle (or, y'know, fleeing, as many of them had the common sense to do).
"Every villager able to wield a sword has been sent to the armoury," Gamling said. Théoden did not answer at once. Gamling snapped his fingers in front of the man's face. "My lord?"
Théoden's voice was solemn: "Who am I, Gamling?"
Gamling frowned as he lugged over Théoden's breastplate.
"Sire, have you been into those mushrooms again?"
Théoden shook his head insistently.
"Do you trust your king?" he asked.
Gamling gave a shrug as he attached Théoden's breastplate and secured it in place.
"Not particularly. You seem like a bit of a whack job, to be honest."
Théoden ignored the man's words, however, as he launched into another angsty soliloquy: "Where is the horse and the rider?" he murmured. "Where is the horn that was blowing? They have passed like rain on the mountains. Like wind in the meadow. The days have gone down in the west. Behind the hills, into shadow…"
As Théoden spoke another convenient montage played, showing the villagers of Rohan preparing themselves for battle. Many a mother was separated from her child as the Rohirrim recruited ever more men to go do battle. Éowyn sat upon a rock in the middle of the caves, a rather prominent vein bulging on her temple.
Back in the main hall of the Keep, Théoden stood there gazing ahead as if in a trance. "How did it come to this?" he finished.
There was a quiet rustle of paper as Gamling handed something to Théoden.
"It says so in the script, my lord."
XXX
After his very public lovers' tiff with Legolas, Aragorn had stormed outside and sat down to sulk upon the steps of the Keep. There he noticed a young boy dressed in armour, looking about in confusion; in his hand he clumsily held a sword.
Aragorn gestured for him to approach.
"Give me your sword," said the ranger. The boy handed it to him. "What is your name?"
"Haleth," said the boy, "son of Háma, my lord." His voice became desperate. "The men are saying that we will not live out the night. They say that it is hopeless."
Aragorn was barely listening as he stood up and began playing with the sword, swinging it back and forth and thrusting at the air with barely suppressed frustration.
"Wait a minute…" the ranger muttered, lowering the sword with a frown. "Háma has a son? One of the men told me that the guy shoots blanks." He furrowed his brows in thought for a moment. "Ah yes, I remember now. There was something I was meant to tiptoe around in front of you to spare your feelings…" He tapped his chin in thought. "Adopted! Yes, that was it. Háma said that you were adopted and none of us were to mention it. And then I-"
Aragorn trailed off when he noticed the look of utter horror upon Haleth's face. Silently, he returned the sword to the youth's hand and gave a weak smile.
"Um, there is always hope, you know." And he slipped away to go and visit the armoury, feeling suddenly thankful that the boy's father was already dead.
XXX
As dramatic music played Aragorn donned his armour in a suitably sexy montage. He was just about to reach for his sword when somebody handed it to him instead. The ranger looked up and saw Legolas before him. Aragorn quietly took the sword with a nod.
"We have trusted you this far," said Legolas, "and you have not led us astray. Forgive me. I was wrong to despair."
"Yeah, you were." The ranger girt his sword about his waist. "One minute you're a light-hearted action hero, the next you're angsting like there's no tomorrow." He secured his sword with a flourish. "And I thought Arwen's characterization was inconsistent in this movie…"
Aragorn continued to fiddle with his sword belt when he noticed something peering from beneath Legolas' tunic. The ranger loosened the ties, ignoring the elf's protests as he did so, and let the garment hang open to reveal a printed t-shirt underneath.
"Legolas," he growled, "what in the hell are you wearing?"
The elf looked away in embarrassment, attempting to fasten the ties of his tunic once more. Underneath all his armour he plainly wore a t-shirt bearing the words 'Team Arwen'. "Hey, we elven sisters have to stick together!" he cried. "Pick a side or die. Or, y'know, live forever in my case." He lifted his chin in contempt and fastened his tunic again, the colour rising in his cheeks.
Aragorn just gawped at him.
"Gimli," he said breathlessly, "do you see what this idiot is…?" The ranger trailed off as Gimli turned towards him, his chain mail hanging loosely from one arm. He too wore a similar t-shirt, this one emblazoned with the words 'Team Éowyn'.
"What?" Gimli stared at Aragorn in confusion for a moment. Then he lowered his head and took in his shirt. "Oh." He sheepishly pulled his chain mail down over it.
Aragorn threw up his arms.
"Why in Eru's name are you two wearing those?"
Gimli shrugged and pointed towards Legolas.
"I just tend to go in the opposite direction of him."
Legolas folded his arms.
"Hey! There is a huge battle coming up. We all need to pick sides." He lowered his voice. "And at least some of us don't go fooling around while we are still married…"
Gimli's face was twisted with a scowl.
"Now cut that out! We may have developed feelings for somebody else but at least we weren't going to sacrifice having kids to maintain a career!"
Legolas stuck out his tongue at the dwarf.
"Whatever, home wrecker. Go buy yourself another orphan."
With a battle cry the dwarf rushed at him, his fists flying like a windmill. Aragorn rolled his eyes and came in between the two of them, holding back Gimli who was threatening to overbalance with all of his chain mail on.
"Now stop it!" he cried. "Would you all please back away from my personal life, seriously?" He waited until they had both calmed down a little and then lowered his arms. "Besides, I was kinda hoping they'd both be up for a threesome…"
A horn sounded from somewhere outside. They all turned towards the stairs; Legolas ran up them some ways and listened intently.
"That is no Orc horn," he said.
"Well duh."
The three exchanged a look and then ran out onto the battlements. All of the guards on duty were looking down towards the causeway of Helm's Deep in wonder. A huge battalion of elves from Lothlórien had come to join the battle, led by Haldir himself.
Aragorn shook his head as the gates were opened and the elves marched into the Hornburg.
"So, let me just get this straight… I noticed the Uruk-hai army - which is still several leagues away, might I add - on my way back here, but the freakin' battalion from Lothlórien somehow failed to garner my attention…?"
"I'll say." Haldir came to a stop and rolled his eyes. "I think I shouted myself hoarse trying to get your attention. We were about a hundred yards behind you the whole time, you complete twonk."
Théoden stepped forward from amidst the crowd which had gathered.
"How is this possible?" he gasped.
Haldir turned towards Théoden and gave him his very special extra long salute he reserved for the especially important.
"I bring word from Elrond of Rivendell," said the elf. "An alliance once existed between elves and men. Long ago we fought and died together. We come to honour that allegiance." Aragorn gave a chuckle. Haldir raised an eyebrow pointedly at him. "And what on Middle Earth do you find so funny?"
The ranger just walked away with an ironic smile upon his lips.
"Oh, you'll see, my friend, you'll see. The purists are going to have a field day…"
XXX
An hour or so passed. A low booming echoed in the darkness as Saruman's immense army approached Helm's Deep. Down in the Glittering Caves, bedraggled women and children sat huddled about in fear, listening to the sounds of the approaching army with increasing terror; many a mother drew her baby close and tried desperately to soothe its tears. Up above, the soldiers waiting upon the battlements amused themselves by performing a series of Mexican waves.
Gimli was not in a good mood, however, since he was about a foot too short to see over the top of the battlements. He grumbled and attempted to jump up and down to gain a view.
"You could have picked a better spot!" he moaned to Legolas, who was standing beside him. "I am vertically-changed, you know!" Legolas just gave a vindictive smirk. Gimli narrowed his eyes and jabbed his finger angrily at the elf. "Hey, I saw that!" he cried. "This is completely racist!"
"Racist?" The elf raised an eyebrow. "How is it racist?"
"You are jealous of the legendary stature of the dwarves!"
Legolas rubbed his temples in frustration.
"Again with the legendary qualities of the dwarves…" The elf shook his head. "You know what, Gimli? This is all in your head! Dwarves are not cool; they are not beautiful, they are not Balrog slayers. They are short, they are ugly and they are hairy. They better cast me in The Hobbit, I'm telling you, or that thing is going to bomb. Just look at the cast! Gandalf, Bilbo and a dozen or so dwarves… Where is the sex appeal?"
The next moment Aragorn randomly approached, saving Legolas from having his ass roundly kicked by his dwarven counterpart. Where on earth he had been between this scene and the last nobody bothered to mention.
The ranger nodded his head.
"'Sup?"
There was a rumble of thunder above them, and then a flash of lightning. It illuminated the undulating mass of Uruk-hai marching along the plain towards them. Théoden stood upon the wall above the Keep; next to him Gamling's knees were knocking together. Behind him a few more men upped their posts and deserted at the sight of the approaching army.
Aragorn sighed.
"How do we always land ourselves in this shit?" he asked. Beside him Legolas gave a shrug. Thunder rumbled again, and suddenly the pinging of water on armour signaled that it had began to rain. Soon the defenders were drenched to the skin. The ranger stood there with a deadpan look upon his face, his hair now plastered to his forehead. "Seriously, who is on the doom-laden Quest here? We're about to get slaughtered for a bunch of nomadic pricks on horses, and Frodo and Sam are out there somewhere on a glorified hike."
Legolas did not answer; quietly he reached down and unfurled an umbrella.
Before them the sound of the army grew louder and louder as it approached Helm's Deep. One of the Uruk-hai climbed up onto a rocky outcrop and urged his brethren on further. Aragorn began to walk down the line of elven archers, yelling orders.
"A Eruchîn," he cried,"ú-dano i faelas a hyn an uben tanatha le faelas! Show them no mercy! For you shall receive none!"
Below the Uruk-hai leader commanded his army to stop in its tracks with a ferocious cry. It paused barely metres from the line of the wall; the orcs shifted impatiently and growled beneath their helmets. Some of the Rohirrim defenders upon the battlements readied their bows and arrows.
Gimli was straining to see once more: "What's happening out there?"
"Shall I describe it to you?" asked Legolas with a grin. "Or would you like me to find you a box?"
Gimli glared at him.
"You are treading on a very thin line, me laddo."
The leader of the Uruk-hai cried out again, and this time the enormous army of orcs began to smash the ends of their spears against the rocky ground. A sound like thunder echoed across the plain and down into the Glittering Caves as Aragorn unsheathed his sword in reply. Upon the battlements one man suddenly lost the grip upon his bowstring; an arrow whistled through the air and slammed into the neck of one of the Uruk-hai below. Everyone caught their breath.
"Dartho!" cried Aragorn.
The Rohirrim exchanged confused glances; in the sudden silence one of the men raised his voice timidly.
"Pardon?"
On the plain below the now-dead Uruk-hai facepalmed heavily to the ground; the other orcs were understandably pissed, and began growling and foaming at the mouth with anger. Their leader raised his scimitar and gave a third cry. This time the army began to charge towards the wall of Helm's Deep with all due speed.
"Oh shit," said Théoden.
Elsewhere Aragorn was yelling orders again: "Tangado halad!" he cried. "Prepare to fire!"
One of the Rohirrim defenders raised a hand.
"Seriously, what? Speak Westron please!"
Aragorn ignored this extra, however, and watched as the elven archers readied their bows with many an arrow. After a hard slap to the head he also forced Legolas to cast aside his umbrella and ready an arrow with a pout.
"These bitches are going to pay," Legolas moaned to the elf beside him. "They'll rue the day they ever made me get my hair wet!"
The next moment Aragorn reared back his sword and gestured to the row of elven archers waiting below and behind him.
"Leithio i philinn!" he cried. "Release arrows!"
A merciless volley of arrows was released, scything through the air above the battlements and slamming into the advancing Uruk-hai. Many an orc fell down dead in its tracks, as did a couple of the Rohirrim defenders. Seriously, the trajectory of their arrows was just asking for it.
Still struggling to see over the battlements, Gimli asked desperately: "Did they hit anything?"
Haldir notched another arrow to his bow.
"Well duh."
On the wall above the nearby Keep, Théoden was feeling upstaged by a certain young ranger. He turned to Gamling and said: "Give them a volley."
There was a pause as all was made ready, and then something round and bright flew over the wall and bonked an Uruk upon the head. The orc promptly toppled over dead.
Théoden put a hand to his forehead in exasperation.
"I said volley, not volleyball!" he cried. "Fire some bloody arrows at them!" And so the Rohirrim notched their own bows and released a sleuth of arrows, all two hundred and fifty of which completely missed their targets.
Théoden rolled his eyes.
"I'm going back to my trailer!" he muttered. And he left the battle in a huff. Gamling dashed after him.
Meanwhile, the Uruk-hai began to send up ladders to scale the walls of the fortress. At Aragorn's command the Elves drew their snazzy curved swords; all hell broke loose as the two sides met with much hacking and slashing.
"Legolas," yelled Gimli from amidst the fighting. "Two already!"
"I'm on seventeen!" cried the elf.
Gimli pouted and proceeded to bring an enemy down with a blow to the groin. That Uruk would never have kids.
Legolas fired two more arrows in quick succession.
"Nineteen!" he taunted.
"Yes, well." Gimli twirled his axe around and brought down another Uruk-hai with a sickening thud. "We'll soon see about that, laddie! Have you not heard of the legendary body count of the dwarves…?"
Legolas rolled his eyes and just continued to slaughter the Uruk-hai around him.
"Bring on the dwarf tossing, I say."