"Cat, I really don't want to have a sleepover with you."
With her sad but energetic voice, Cat responds, "But Jade, we always have a sleepover after a play."
"Okay. I just dropped Tori off, so I have to drive back to my house and get my stuff if I'm going over to your house. Or did you want to have it at mine?"
"Kay kay. Your house scares me a little, so I'll bring my teddy." Alright, I guess that means we're having it at my house.
A while later, both Cat and I show up at the same time. I open the door and she hurries to take off her shoes and do a sock slide while still holding onto her teddy.
"I'm kind of tired, can we just change and hang out in my bed so we can fall asleep whenever?" I ask, kind of fed up with her hyperness already.
"Okay." She grabs her bag and slides and skips to the guest bathroom. I think she really likes how big my house is, or how expansive the hardwood floors are. It just makes it empty and cold, not an ice skating rink.
Up in my bedroom I crank the wind up radio and put it on some station with good reception and decent music. I like it because it doesn't use electricity and winding it up is like setting a timer if you know your radio well. And I have trouble going to sleep without some constant noise. I snuggle into the covers a little, and lament the fact that songs between what grownups had growing up and current music are never on the radio. And that only well-known music is on. I smile a little as I wonder as to how Lauren Hoffman even had Karaoke versions of her songs at Nozu. Cat barges in in her pink pajamas with her teddy and jumps in next to me.
"Jade, why are you smiling?"
"I'm just remembering something."
"What did Tori do?"
"Why do you think it's about Vega? I'm happy about other things too." I realize I just admitted Tori makes me happy.
"Well, yeah, but you don't smile often, but you only ever really smile around Tori. Or when you're tormenting someone. Especially Tori. Or when you're singing I guess. But especially when you sing around Tori. Like when we sang give it up you hardly cracked a smile, but you positively grin when you sing with Tori. And that time you tormented those Karaoke-dokie girls with Tori and she sang and you danced. That's the happiest I've seen you."
"…I guess after all this time I still don't know what's inside your head. I love that."
Cat squeals a little, "Jade loves me!"
"I didn't say that!"
"But you meant it," she pushes her nose up and towards me just a little as she says this. It reminds me of Tori asking for a hug.
"My God. How do you know what's going on inside my head?"
"I have to know what's going on inside someone's head. And most people don't think I know what's going on in mine," Cat admits a little sadly.
I turn on my side, ruffle her hair, and tell her, "I think we really go insane when we know everything that's going on inside of our heads. Most people drive themselves insane just trying to sort it out a little. And you're not insane, so of course you don't know." I quirk my lips up a little as I say this. I only ever smile around Cat and Tori. And no one can take my Cat away from me. She smiles a little bashfully up at me.
"Thanks Jade!" She places her pointer finger on my nose, then cuddles into her teddy and falls asleep. Whenever I find myself wanting an older sister to hug me better (even when I don't want her to) or a younger sister to teach things to and help through thunder storms, I realize how bizarrely Cat fills both roles. In the totally normal version of a family.
Just as I'm about to get to sleep, I hear whale sounds come on the radio repeatedly. Justin Beiber doesn't deserve all the crap he gets, but he's still nowhere near my good side. And anyone who decides to put whale sounds in a song's background about being someone's boyfriend at 11 at night at least deserves some of the crap. I change the channel, and think about how awake and alive Tori must feel two hours after truly waking up as I drift to sleep with my sister.