Over here in jolly old England it's the 40th anniversary of Monty Python, so the shows have been playing non-stop lately. And you might just be able to tell that I've been watching them all again!

I've also just posted another LOTR fic on my profile, so I felt that I should slip a shameless plug for it into this note :D I never would have begun posting it if it wasn't for the wonderful support I've gotten for this fic, so thank you all so much. Now I just need to work out a way to balance my updating of the two…

XXX

"And let's face it," Treebeard was saying, "as wars go, this is the big one, so we've got to get up off our arses and stop just talking about it…"

Entmoot was still in progress in the depths of Fangorn Forest, and Merry had a tiny feeling that the conversation was just going around in circles. He waited impatiently nearby as the Ents put their heads together and deliberated, murmuring their agreement to Treebeard's words.

"Hear, hear!" cried one Ent.

"I agree," said another, made of ash. "It's action that counts, not words, and we need action now."

"Hear, hear!"

"You're right." Another Ent, a beech, nodded furiously. "We could sit around here all day talking, passing resolutions, making clever speeches, it's not going to shift one orc."

"So let's just stop gabbing on about it," announced Treebeard. "It's completely pointless, and it's getting us nowhere."

"Right," said everyone.

There was a pause.

"I agree," said the ash. "This is a complete waste of time-"

"Excuse me!" The Ents turned to face Merry, who was standing there, bristling with anger. Treebeard stepped forward and bent down a little to listen to the hobbit. "Enough with the tangential discussion!" complained Merry. "What about Saruman? Have you come to a decision about him?"

"Right," said the beech. Then he paused and asked: "Who is he then?"

Merry rolled his eyes. Behind him Pippin was nestled beneath a tree and snoring loudly.

"He's the White Wizard!" Merry cried. "You know, the dude with the staff and the white wizards' robes? The guy who has been plundering and burning this very forest? The main villain of this ridiculously unfaithful second installment?"

"Really?" said the beech in surprise. The Ent promptly turned back to the others and rejoined the huddle. "Right. This calls for immediate discussion!"

"What?" Merry stood there aghast. But none of the Ents bothered to turn around again.

"Immediate," said one.

"Right."

There was a pause.

"New motion?" asked the ash.

"Completely new motion," said the beech, nodding furiously. "Eh, that, ah… That there be, ah, immediate action..." One of the other Ents was noting down his words as he spoke.

Treebeard shook his head.

"…once the vote has been taken."

"Well, obviously once the vote has been taken!" agreed the beech. "You can't act on a resolution 'till you've voted on it…"

Merry just wandered back to where Pippin was sleeping and plonked himself down upon the forest floor with a sigh. Wearily he put his head in his hands and listened blankly to the redundant discussion going on from the Entmoot nearby.

"I should really fire my agent…" he muttered.

XXX

Back at Helm's Deep, Gimli was busy hacking away at the Uruk-hai as they came streaming up their ladders and onto the walls of the fortress.

"Seventeen!" he cried as he worked. "Eighteen! Nineteen! Twenty war widows!"

Meanwhile, Théoden had returned from his trailer. He soon noticed that some of the Uruk-hai were throwing down their spears and unfurling pieces of folded paper, running blindly towards the Deeping Wall as they attempted to read out loud in their clearest voices.

"Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer?" they yelled at the Rohirrim. "Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!"

A couple of the more Nordically-inclined Rohirrim burst into hysterical laughter and fell from the wall to their deaths at this killer joke, but most of the others just stood there, exchanging confused shrugs and glances.

"You idiots!" yelled one of the Rohirrim. "We don't speak German! What is with the rampant bilingualism in this movie?"

It was just a diversion, however, as a huge battalion of Uruk-hai had formed into a tortoise formation and were currently marching up the causeway towards the gates of Helm's Deep. They held their shields above their heads and at their sides to protect them from falling arrows.

"Na fennas!" yelled Aragorn, which roughly translated to 'blast their asses!'

The row of elven archers beside him all turned in perfect synchronisation and loosed their arrows. Some of the orcs fell with arrows in their chests, but all in all the formation held and continued advancing upon the gates. A smug-looking Théoden shook his head with quiet laughter; obviously he was watching a different battle to the rest of the audience.

"Is this it?" he said with glee. "Is this all you can conjure, Saruman?"

Evidently it was not. From amidst the masses of Uruk-hai upon the plain there now appeared a pair of orcs carrying a wicked-looking spiked contraption. Both were wearing ridiculous helmets that made them look like homosexual firemen. The creatures hurried towards the culvert in the Deeping Wall – remember that? – and shoved the spiked contraption inside the gap. A few more orcs followed with similar items. It was like a very evil game of Tetris.

Very soon they had completed their task, and the army of Uruk-hai stood aside to open a narrow path towards the culvert. Down the line of orcs there came running an Uruk-hai carrying the Olympic torch. The others excitedly cheered him on.

On the battlements above, Aragorn noticed this suicidal orc approaching.

"Togo hon dad, Legolas!" yelled the ranger. "Bring him down, Legolas!"

Legolas, who was hiding under his umbrella in an attempt to keep his hair dry, scrambled to his feet and quickly prepared to fire. The next moment an umbrella adorned with flying toasters went sailing over the wall and impaled an Uruk through the eye. The creature started dancing around and screaming like sissy before it promptly keeled over and died.

Aragorn growled.

"Shoot your bow, not your umbrella, you twit!"

The elf grinned sheepishly and took up his bow instead, reaching back into his rain-soaked quiver and releasing a fresh sleuth of arrows. But none of his arrows managed to take the Uruk-hai down, although they did provide it with a few new surface piercings.

"Legolas!" yelled Aragorn. "Whatever happened to your super special heat-seeking arrows?"

The elf shrugged.

"Haven't a clue. But at least this gives the fangirls an excuse to write angst fics about me."

Aragorn couldn't help but roll his eyes.

"As if they need another reason…"

The ranger never finished this thought, however, as the Uruk-hai won one for his country and proceeded to dive into the culvert with one last effort. The next moment there was a muted roar, and suddenly the Deeping Wall was ripped apart by a huge explosion.

Legolas lowered his bow with a grin.

"Oops."

An avalanche of rocks and bodies were thrown into the air with an immense roar. Aragorn was hurled off his feet by the explosion and landed in a heap upon the rain-soaked ground, knocked completely unconscious. The excited giggles of fangirls could be heard in the distance. Down in the Glittering Caves, the women and children glanced up in horror at the noise of the blast. Gimli was also knocked off his feet and groaned under a deluge of falling rocks, but the fangirls just ignored him.

From the safety of the Keep, Théoden watched in shock at the devastation unfolding below (although he was slightly relieved that that cocky ranger had been taken out of action for the moment. Bloody youth). Despite struggling in the stagnant water that now poured out of the breach in the Deeping Wall, the Uruk-hai began to stream into the ravine behind the fortress. To make matters worse, upon the causeway the orcs had lowered their shields and produced a huge battering ram from somewhere within their formation to try and penetrate the gate. The phallic imagery was not lost on anyone.

"Brace the gate!" yelled Théoden to his men below, bracing his disgust. "Hold them! Stand firm!"

A stream of extras ran down towards the gate and hurled themselves desperately against it, but with every blow of the battering ram the gate shook dreadfully upon its hinges. From above the Rohirrim and a couple of suspiciously-familiar extras rained down a barrage of rocks and arrows but to no avail. The Uruk-hai just kept on bashing at the door.

Below, the army came streaming in through the breech in the Deeping Wall. Aragorn slowly awakened where he was lying face down in the mud. Groggily he turned his head and saw the orcs swarming towards him. He was right in their path.

"Oh bugger."

Gimli noticed his friend's predicament as well, and duly clambered to his feet, took up his axe and leapt down from the shattered wall right into the advancing Uruk-hai with a cry. It was a wonder he was not impaled upon their spears.

"Gimli!" cried Aragorn, scrambling to his feet. "Stop with the heroics, will you? I'm not even that badly injured. Besides, you're meant to be in the bloody Caves!" The dwarf just ignored him, however, and was soon overwhelmed and knocked to the ground. Aragorn turned to the elves behind him and cried: "Hado i philinn!"

And again the elves blasted the Uruk-hai's asses with a barrage of arrows. Aragorn then raised his sword and assumed a ridiculously sexy battle position.

"Herio!" he yelled. "Charge!"

And strangely enough the Elves took up their weapons and actually charged after the ranger. With many a battle cry the contingent slammed into the approaching Uruk-hai and proceeded to give them hell. Aragorn quickly slaughtered the orcs before him as more fangirls swooned in the distance.

Legolas was still fighting upon the devastated battlements, and he pouted when he saw his friends were upstaging him with their heroics. Quickly the elf grabbed a discarded shield and sent it clattering across the wall. Then he ran after it and hopped on board, releasing a sleuth of arrows as he surfed down a convenient flight of steps towards the ground. When he reached the bottom the elf sent the shield flying into the chest of one of the Uruk-hai, impaling the creature in one swift motion.

Grinning, Legolas landed smoothly on his feet after his spot of glamourised violence. Any remaining fangirls in the area were now comatose as Aragorn pulled a bedraggled Gimli out of the water by the Deeping Wall and dragged the dwarf to safety. Legolas knifed another Uruk-hai as an exhausted and ragged-looking Aragorn slogged through the deluge of mud and bodies towards the camera.

"And now for something completely different…" he said breathlessly.

XXX

Night had fallen in Fangorn Forest. Treebeard and the other Ents were deep in discussion, whilst Merry and Pippin (who had just woken up) stood around beneath the trees, rolling their eyes at the overabundance of Monty Python references in this chapter.

"All right," Treebeard was saying, "but apart from the sanitation, medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?"

"Enough!" cried Merry, stomping his foot upon the ground. "If you start waxing poetic about your parrot pining for the fjords, I swear I am going to take a handful of termites and shove them straight up your-" He paused, and furrowed his brows in confusion. "Wait a second. Where do you shove things up a tree?

Pippin gave a shrug beside him. As the hobbit spoke Treebeard had turned around and left the other Ents to their musings.

"The Ents cannot hold back this storm," explained Treebeard, ducking down to speak to the hobbits at their level. "We must weather such things as we have always done."

"Translation: boring."

The Ent shook his head.

"This is not our war," said Treebeard.

"Well, yes," Merry conceded. "But we need to do something substantial in this movie." The Ents seemed troubled as they exchanged glances with one another. "You must help," he urged them. "Please! You must do something!"

Treebeard simply shook his head.

"You are young and brave, Master Merry. But your part in this tale is over. Go back to your home."

The hobbit rolled his eyes.

"Pfft, you obviously haven't read the book. Ever heard of the Pelennor Fields?"

But Treebeard was not interested in the finer plot details of the original book, and Merry soon turned away, defeated, to put his jacket back on in despair. Pippin approached him as he stood there quietly, lost in his thoughts.

"Maybe Treebeard's right," said Pippin. "We don't belong here, Merry. It's too big for us. Let's call a cab and go back to the Shire. I wanna catch up on my soap operas."

Merry stared forlornly into the trees.

"The fires of Isengard will spread," he murmured melodramatically. "And the woods of Tuckborough and Buckland will burn. And all that was once green and good in this world will be gone." He turned back to Pippin and put a hand on the hobbit's shoulder. "There won't be a Shire, Pippin."

And Merry turned and walked away in a sulk. Pippin gave a frown as he mulled over these words.

"I thought Jackson cut the Scouring of the Shire?"

XXX

Meanwhile, the Uruk-hai had begun to overwhelm the soldiers fighting in the ravine at Helm's Deep. Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli stood their ground and led the defences, but they were quickly being outnumbered.

Soon another Uruk-hai approached Legolas with his scimitar raised. The elf just stared him down and growled menacingly: "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

Gimli rolled his eyes nearby.

"Would you please stop saying that?

The Uruk-hai just kept swarming into the ravine and scaling the battlements like cockroaches. From above Théoden yelled down to the defenders fighting far below: "Aragorn! Fall back to the Keep! Get your men out of there!"

How the ranger heard his words above the sounds of battle was anyone's guess. But apparently he did so, because Aragorn paused amidst slaughtering orcs for a moment to give orders to the elves fighting around him.

"Na Barad! Na Baraad!" he cried. "To the Keep! Pull back to the Keep!" The ranger looked all about him, watching the men fleeing to safety. He promptly killed another orc and then looked up towards the battlements. Haldir was busy slaying an Uruk as it came up one of the remaining ladders. The ranger called to the elf to pull back too.

"Why the hell are you ordering me about?" cried Haldir in reply. "I thought I was commanding this battalion?" But Aragorn did not venture an explanation. Haldir rolled his eyes, his sword covered in blood, and then turned and started gesturing to his men to follow the others, even as a protesting Gimli was dragged away from battle by Legolas and a random extra.

But something happened then that Tolkien did not intend, for as Haldir was directing his fellow elves to safety he was suddenly stabbed in the side by an approaching Uruk-hai. With a cry he ran his sword through the creature with some difficulty, but another came at him from behind and plunged its scimitar into his back.

Aragorn saw him fall and cried out in despair: "Haldir!"

But Haldir did not reply, what with being busy dying and all. And so Aragorn battled several orcs in quick succession and ran over to catch the elf as he fell backwards. Haldir's glassy eyes simply stared straight up at him.

The ranger bowed his head in grief, placing a gentle hand upon the elf's chest. Then he lowered Haldir to the ground, feeling anger coursing through his veins as he stood up and prepared to smash his fist into the head of a nearby Uruk and-

"Excuse me," said Haldir, sounding thoroughly affronted. "I'm not dead, you know."

"What?" Aragorn turned around with a start. Haldir lay there on the ground before him, arms folded in a huff. Blood was pooling out from the gaping wound in his back.

"I'm not dead," repeated the elf. "Just mortally wounded. So would you mind not leaving me here on the blood-splattered ground with all of the corpses, huh? It's terribly rude."

Aragorn knelt down beside him.

"But I thought you were dead!" protested the ranger. "The author just described you as having 'glassy eyes'."

"Yes, well." Haldir gave a snort. "That could have meant anything."

"But you were dead!" protested Aragorn. "You were no more! You had ceased to be! You'd expired and gone to meet your maker. You were a stiff! Bereft of life-"

"We'll be having none of that!" cried Merry, who suddenly came barging onto the set. At a word from Peter Jackson, somebody shut off the fake rain; a clapper board was brought in front of the camera, and a number of the crew wandered off to take a lunch break. "None of that!" Merry said again. "Didn't I warn you about the Monty Python references? Didn't I tell you not to start quoting a certain sketch about an ex-parrot?"

Haldir frowned and pushed himself up onto his elbows; Aragorn sheathed his sword and shook his head.

"But what about you?" he asked the hobbit, waving a hand at him. "You're referencing Monty Python right now! What with the constant complaints and the shutting down of our scene…"

"Nonsense." Merry went a bright shade of red. "I am merely pointing out the obvious."

"Whatever," said Haldir.

Merry scowled down at him.

"Shut up you. You're supposed to be dead anyways."

"Am not."

"Look, do you not have somewhere else to be?" asked Aragorn despairingly. "I thought you had that boring scene with Treebeard to be getting on with…"

Merry replied angrily: "At least I don't have to endure night shoots."

Aragorn smiled knowingly.

"You're right, I'm sorry. I don't want to keep you away from your Entmoo thing…"

"It's Entmoot!" cried Merry in indignation.

"Right." The ranger brushed past him with a smirk upon his face. "Excuse me whilst I go do my own stunts in this epic battle scene which will go down in cinematic history…"

As the ranger strutted away, along with an obviously-not-dead Haldir, Merry jabbed an angry finger towards the image of Helm's Deep in the distance.

"It's only a model, you know!"

XXX

Once production on the film had been kick-started again, the extras hurled themselves violently against the gate of the fortress with much enthusiasm. They were still withstanding the battering ram assault from outside, but the defences could not last forever.

Soon Théoden came running up, with a reluctant Gamling close behind. Seeing his men's distress Théoden unsheathed his sword and began to yell orders at the top of his voice.

"Hold them, hold them!" he cried in panic. "It's the Jehovah's Witnesses! Everybody: all together!"

And the Rohirrim all raised their voices in unison and roared: "GO AWAY!"

But it was to no avail, for soon the gate began to buckle and splinter. Seizing their opportunity the Uruk-hai outside brandished crude bows and released arrow after arrow into the crowd of Rohirrim. Many fell with an arrow in their chest, but some released arrows of their own and killed a few of the Uruk-hai hacking at the broken gate and fighting to pass them. Arrows, arrows, arrows.

Théoden soon got stuck into the fighting, but somehow received a lance to the shoulder in record time. Luckily the blow was blocked by his armour, and he managed to stab the offending Uruk-hai through the neck before being led away by a trembling Gamling.

"Well," said Gamling with a weak smile. "That was a sporting effort, wasn't it, sire? I don't think anyone would begrudge you a short break from battle for a while…"

Théoden just glared at his soldier. Gamling was spared from a tongue lashing, however, when Aragorn and Gimli came running up to help them. Théoden took his sword back from Gamling with a look of disdain. Meanwhile Aragorn proceeded to hack and stab at several Uruk-hai who had broken through the defences; his own sword was covered in black blood.

"Aragorn!" cried Théoden over the sounds of battle. "Come here a second…" And Théoden quickly pulled the ranger aside and pointed to a nearby door. "I had this side entrance installed a few years ago so that I could escape the in-laws. Be a dear and pop out to kill some Uruk-hai, would you?"

Aragorn's face fell.

"You know, in the history of bright ideas that ranks somewhere just below casting Stuart Townsend in this movie..."

And the ranger grabbed Gimli and stormed off to go do further battle.