Yay! I can't believe I have finally finished The Two Towers :D I wrote lots of material for the Fellowship and Return of the King back when I first started writing this fic so many eons ago, but I barely had anything written for the middle film. Needless to say, it's taken me a good while to complete the second third of this story, but now that it is finished I am feeling very accomplished ^_^

Anyways, this is going to be my last fic update of 2009; I worked hard to get these last two chapters finished so that I could begin afresh in the New Year with the Return of the King. I actually need to put my feet up and watch the third film again to get some new ideas for jokes as well… Also, in answer to reader questions, Tig is indeed the fake creation of Dom and Billy and the fourth female I mentioned last chapter is Rosie ^_^

XXX

Many leagues away the great host of Ents, led by a furious Treebeard, marched towards Isengard with murderous intent. Merry and Pippin listened excitedly upon his shoulders as Treebeard spoke of all that he and his brethren were planning to do that day: how they would hurl huge rocks at the tower of Orthanc, crush orc after orc as they tried to flee with their giant feet, smash infernal machinery to pieces and hurl the remnants down into the smoking furnaces of Isengard, not to mention their plan to destroy the nearby dam and unleash the river to sweep away every evil thing which had somehow escaped their murderous wrath as Saruman watched in horror from the balcony of Orthanc… When they were finished, Isengard would be nothing more than a flooded shell of its former self. All in all, it would make a smashing action sequence.

Merry realized he was drooling at the thought of all this plot-driven action-y goodness, and hurriedly wiped at his chin.

Beside him, Pippin leant in towards Treebeard and murmured: "Do we take part in all this too?"

"Of course," Treebeard told the hobbit. "You're both very brave and dashing in the whole business, throwing stones and smiting orcs here and there…"

This all sounded too good to be true. Merry's eyes widened at the thought of what amazing feats of derring-do he and his fellow hobbit would get up to in the next scene. And so the Ents marched onward towards Isengard, the hobbits quivering with anticipation as they prepared to do all that they could to-

Suddenly, the screen flickered black and white, and the image titled out of focus for a moment. Merry turned towards the camera and gave a groan.

"Oh, you've got to be kidding me…"

Even as he spoke the screen flickered once again, and then with a whirring judder the movie projector died. A title promptly appeared in lieu of the picture reading 'Scene Missing'. Jazzy interlude music played for a moment, and then the picture returned suddenly to life.

The hobbits were finally in Isengard, but there was no action scene to be had; instead, Merry and Pippin were sitting upon a half-demolished wall before the ruin of Isengard, smoking their pipes and enjoying the spoils of apparent victory.

Merry threw down his pipe in a huff.

"For Eru's sake!" he cried. "Just one bloody action scene – is that really too much to ask for a hobbit in this ridiculous movie?"

Pippin just shrugged beside him and took a draw of his own pipe.

"Meh, sounds like too much hard work to me. Why don't we just get stoned instead?"

And so they did.

XXX

Back at Osgiliath, Frodo was stuck in a random trance as he walked away from the safe corner in which the two hobbits had been thrust by Faramir earlier. Sam turned and gave him a puzzled look as he went.

"What are you doing?" he asked. "Did you not hear what Faramir just said?"

Frodo could not hear Sam, however; he was busy listening to his iPod.

In the sky above the Nazgûl swooped down low over the ruins of the city with great beats of its wings; Gondorian soldiers rushed about in all directions below, deserting their stations as readily as the Rohirrim at Helm's Deep. Amidst all of this confusion Frodo continued to walk calmly into the open, bopping his head to his easy listening tunes.

Sam stopped short beneath the archway nearby.

"Where are you going?" he cried. Frodo just continued on without giving an answer. Sam rolled his eyes. "Ungrateful bastard. I gave you that iTunes gift card for your birthday..."

Everything became slow motion as Frodo walked out onto a bridge open to the sky. The Nazgûl suddenly rose up before him with immense eeriness, and Frodo removed his headphones and slowly lifted the Ring upon its chain. Faramir saw everything unfolding from below.

"Oh shit," he muttered.

Frodo, however, was oblivious to the deafening pleas for sanity from the audience, and his eyes became desperate as he closed his eyes and made to slip the Ring onto his finger. Sam rushed up the stairs and rugby tackled Frodo to the ground with a cry. The Nazgûl swooped down at that moment and decided it should probably pose some kind of threat in this movie.

Luckily, there was a twang and a thud as Faramir shot an arrow into the hide of the Fell Beast. It flew reeling into the sky and apparently disappeared, for it was not heard of again for the rest of this movie. Sam and Frodo, however, rolled violently down the stairs and landed with a thud upon the ground. Frodo gave a scandalised cry and drew Sting from his belt; soon the blade was pointing at Sam's throat.

"You bastard!" cried Frodo. "You broke my friggin' iPod!"

For some reason tears were already running down Sam's face.

"It's me," the fat hobbit murmured. "It's your Sam. Don't you know your Sam?" He frowned then, and stared up at the camera with an embarrassed look upon his face. "Seriously, that sounded a lot less gay in my head."

Frodo stared at him for a long moment with an uncomprehending look upon his face, and then slumped backwards; Sting fell from his hand and hit the ground with a dull clang. Sam put a hand to his throat with a frown.

"I can't do this, Sam," Frodo murmured in a hollow voice. "I told Boromir before - I'm just not that kind of hobbit."

"I know," Sam said tearfully. "It's all wrong." The fat hobbit wearily hauled himself to his feet, and looked out over the ruins of Osgiliath before them, one hand upon the stone archway near where they had fought. Gollum was randomly waiting in the background. "By rights we shouldn't even be here," he said. "But we are. So nuts to the purists." He gave a sigh as he looked out into the distance, and prepared himself for yet another melodramatic monologue. "It's like in the great movies, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really dragged. Full of darkness and danger they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end, because who could sit there for three plus hours without needing to take a bathroom break?"

As the hobbit spoke convenient images began to play, tying up all the loose ends of this movie. At Helm's Deep the Rohirrim rallied their horses and drove away the last of the Uruk-hai with a many a battle cry.

Sam shifted into voice over mode: "How could the world go back to the way it was when you had made such a killing at the box office?

"Royalties!" Théoden cried in jubilation, raising his sword in the air. "We have royalties!"

"But in the end," Sam continued, "it's only a passing thing, this box office taking…"

After the battle the fortress of Helm's Deep was streaming with people once again, gathering supplies and welcoming the men as they returned. Éowyn ran up to Aragorn as he approached and flung her arms around him, tears of relief starting in her eyes. Aragorn grinned a little as she pressed his face into her breasts.

"Even blockbusters must pass," Sam continued. "A new craze will come…"

Over at Isengard, Merry and Pippin sat there looking glum, their heads in their hands, as the camera panned down over them and suddenly paused in disappointment.

"No action scene to be had here, folks," Merry muttered, gazing into the screen with dead eyes. "You'll have to wait until Return of the King."

Sam faltered for a moment, still gazing out upon Osgiliath (and, apparently, the rest of Middle Earth as well). Then he caught himself again and continued on: "And when it does we will regret not milking this thing when we had the chance. Because these are the stories we can stretch out further. That are worth more than our measly paycheques. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those movies had lots of chances of turning back only they didn't. They kept going because they were holding on to something."

Frodo was still slumped upon the ground, his back resting against the stone wall of the ruined building whose ruins they sheltered in. He raised his head and asked forlornly: "What are we holding onto, Sam?"

The fat hobbit drew Frodo to his feet.

"That there's a lot more money to be squeezed from this franchise, Mr. Frodo," he insisted. "And it's worth fighting for."

The two exchanged a determined look. Nearby, Gollum's eyes shone with the possibilities of all the fish that he could buy with his royalties. Faramir, who had apparently been eavesdropping this entire time, slowly walked over and came to kneel down in front of the two hobbits.

"I think at last," he said softly, "we understand one another, Frodo Baggins."

Frodo seemed immensely relieved at his words, but Sam just gave a disbelieving laugh.

"What, just because I made an impassioned speech you're going to let us go?" he asked. "Your logic completely fails."

Madril appeared out of nowhere and chastised Faramir: "You know the laws of our country, the laws of your father. If you let them go, your life will be forfeit."

Faramir did not even hesitate; a small smile played at his lips.

"Then it is forfeit," he said. "Release them."

And the rangers who had also appeared out of nowhere removed their hands from the hobbits' shoulders; Sam, however, frowned with dissatisfaction as he hiked his pack over his shoulders a little higher.

"What did you say?" he asked. "Your life is forfeit? What does that even mean?"

Faramir got defensive: "Hey, it's the rules of our country, okay? I don't go around criticizing your stupid civilisation or its dumb customs!"

Sam raised an eyebrow.

"Dude, whatever. That line is never going to be referenced again. The only reason you said it was to look cool."

Faramir simply touched a hand to the sword at his belt.

"Look, do you really wanna be questioning the integrity of the guy with the huge frickin' sword, huh?"

Nearby, Frodo shuffled his feet a bit.

"It's not that big…"

"Oh, piss off!" exploded Faramir, whirling around to face the other hobbit. "I'm about to become an orphan in a few scenes' time – I don't need this shit."

And he stomped off to go and strengthen the garrison which was currently holding Osgiliath by the skin of its teeth. Sam watched him go with a look of disdain.

"You know," he muttered to Frodo, "I think I preferred his brother…"

XXX

Elsewhere, the victorious members of the Fellowship rode up to the head of the ravine of Helm's Deep, along with Théoden, Gamling (who had survived thanks to his propensity to run away screaming at the first sign of trouble) and Éomer, or at least what seemed like Éomer at first glance. The others quickly did a double take when they saw he was simply an imposter who had stolen the guy's armour.

Gimli frowned.

"Who the hell are you?" he asked the guy-who-looked-like-Éomer-at-first-glance-but-quite-obviously-wasn't-him-when-you-paused-the-DVD.

"Moi?" The guy gestured to himself questioningly. For some reason he was French.

Théoden narrowed his eyes and peered intently at the rider wearing his nephew's armour.

"I knew there was something off about you…"

Aragorn rolled his eyes and reigned in his horse.

"Look, the dude is obviously a body double. Give the editors a break, will you? They just sat through about three hours of mind-numbing scenes featuring hobbits talking to trees and Gimli." The dwarf folded his arms at this. "So they forgot to CGI Éomer's head on his body – no big deal! Half the audience can't even tell the difference anyways."

As if to prove his point, Legolas leant over his horse and gave the guy a cheery wave.

"Hi Éomer!"

Aragorn rolled his eyes again.

"You see my point? Anyways, I know this is an ensemble cast and everything, but I feel that I am long overdue for an Oscar nomination…"

Gandalf smirked knowingly to himself.

"You wish, boy."

"I'm just glad it's all over," said Gimli with a sigh. Aragorn turned to look at him and again noticed that the dwarf was wearing a printed t-shirt beneath his armour. This one read 'I Survived Helm's Deep'.

"Hey," said the ranger, "where did you get that shirt?"

Gimli gestured over his shoulder.

"Concessions stand."

Legolas nodded in agreement and revealed his own shirt, which was a bright shade of pink.

"You can get women's ones too…"

"Hmm." Aragorn tapped thoughtfully at his chin. "I wonder if I should get Arwen one…"

"Zat is probably not a good idea," said French Éomer. "She vould probably see eet as a cheap dig."

"Oh, shut up, you," muttered Aragorn.

"So yes, anyways." Gandalf cleared his throat nearby. "Sauron's wrath will be terrible, his retribution swift. The battle for Helm's Deep is over. The battle for Middle-earth is about to begin."

Aragorn put his face in his hands.

"You mean we have yet another film of this shit to slog through?"

The wizard nodded.

"I'm afraid so."

Théoden seemed delighted at this prospect, but the others just groaned. Aragorn gave a sigh and then spurred his horse onwards.

"I'm telling you," he said, as the group slowly descended down the rise, "if I don't get laid at the end of this trilogy then someone is getting their legs broke…"

XXX

A ways away Frodo and Sam were walking happily through the blackened woods away from the ruin of Osgiliath, led onwards by Gollum. It was almost as if nothing untoward had happened to them, and the editor was groaning through his hands as he realised how pointless their entire storyline had been in this movie.

Sam smiled as he walked and suddenly said: "I wonder if we'll ever be put into songs or tales?"

Up ahead, Frodo turned and gave him a pointed look.

"You've obviously never heard of slash, have you Sam?"

Sam shook his head and continued: "I wonder if people will ever say, 'let's hear about Frodo and the Ring.' And they'll say 'yes, that's one of my favourite stories. Frodo was really courageous, wasn't he, dad?'"

Frodo raised an eyebrow.

"Courageous? I think you've been watching the same movie as Théoden... But anyways, you've left out one of the chief characters – Samwise the Brave. I want to hear more about Sam." Frodo stopped then, and turned to his friend with a serious expression on his face. "Frodo wouldn't have got far without Sam."

"Well duh." Sam heaved his backpack over his shoulders a little higher. "I've no clue why you get top billing in this movie. It's me that's been carrying you for the last six bloody hours…"

They continued on, and began calling for Gollum when they realized the creature was missing from their sight. He was crawling through the underbrush nearby, muttering schizophrenically to himself again. Apparently his entire character arc in this movie had never even happened.

"Master looks after us," his Sméagol side insisted. "Master wouldn't hurt us."

Gollum suddenly reared his head.

"What are you talking about? He let everyone and their mother beat the crap out of us. Master broke his promise."

"Don't ask Sméagol," his other side whined, crawling pathetically across the ground. "Poor, poor Sméagol…"

"Master betrayed us!" Gollum snarled, rearing up again. "Wicked, tricksy, false. We ought to wring his filthy little neck, the useless twat." He snaked his hands around the branch of a nearby tree and twisted it violently. Then he began to crawl again, muttering: "Kill him! Kill him! Kill them both." He reached out a hand and snatched at the air. "And then we take the precious and we be the star of this movie!"

Sméagol's face dissolved into fear, and he crawled away to hide behind a nearby tree. His hands clawed desperately at its trunk.

"The fat hobbit, he knows. Eyes always watching…"

Gollum peered out from behind the other side of the trunk.

"Then we stabs them out!" he cried. "Put out his eyeses. And make him crawl."

Sméagol's face lit up with excitement.

"Yes! Yes! Yes!" he squealed.

Gollum smiled: "Kill them both."

Sméagol nodded furiously in agreement, but then he suddenly became scared and clung to the tree trunk once again.

"No!" he cried, backing away until his back was up against a nearby tree. "They're main characters! It's too risky, it's too risky…"

Suddenly he heard calls from the hobbits in the distance, and cowered behind the tree in alarm. Slowly a sinister idea began to form in Gollum's mind, and he turned away with a queer smile.

"We could let her do it," he muttered to himself.

Sméagol's eyes widened with delight at this idea.

"Yes," he agreed. "She could do it. She should have been in this movie anyways."

"Yes, precious she could," said Gollum. "And then we takes it once they're dead. And-"

"What are you jabbering on about?" asked Sam, suddenly thrusting his head out from behind the tree. Gollum almost jumped out of his skin and fell to the ground with a thud.

Frodo was beside Sam, and he shook his head with a good-natured smile.

"Enough with the plotting of our deaths!" he told Gollum. "We need to get to Mordor at some point this decade…"

Gollum lay there for a moment, trying to control his anger at the utter stupidity of these two main protagonists. His anger soon changed to glee, however, when he realised that they were still completely oblivious to the danger that they were in. With a smile he collected himself from the ground and began to crawl onwards, turning around and gesturing over his shoulder into the distance.

"Come on, hobbits," he said in his best sing-song voice. "Long ways to go yet! Sméagol will show you the way to the next instalment." He continued on with his head low to the ground, a malicious smile spreading across his face. "Follow me, folks."

And so Sam and Frodo picked their way through the trees and followed Gollum on to their apparent-but-obviously-not-because-if-the-good-guys-died-it-wouldn't-be-much-of-a-movie, erm, doom. And the run-on sentences were given a rest for a time as the camera panned up to reveal the evil landscape of Mordor on the other side of the immense range of blackened and jagged mountains known as the Ephel Dúath. Or maybe not, because that last sentence was pretty long as well. Oops.

Anyways, Mordor was revealed in its entirety of evil, and Mount Doom stood there blasting molten rock from its summit; the tower of Barad-dûr was nearby, in which Sauron stood around, twiddling his (metaphorical) thumbs, and a few Nazgûl patrolled the skies for no reason other than to add a bit more atmosphere.

As the picture faded to black a few succinct words appeared in its place:

Frodo Baggins Will Return in…

The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

(a.k.a. They destroy the Ring and the good guys eventually win)

(a.a.k.a. Sam does all the dirty work and Frodo is nothing but a lazy prick who steals all the glory and gets a free trip to Valinor for his troubles)

(a.a.a.k.a Somebody with an affinity for gardening has broken into the editing suite and messed with the credits. Please do ignore the last line and the current line which is telling you to ignore said line)

(a.a.a.a.k.a Wi nøt trei a høliday in Sweden this yër?)