Chapter Four
Rose sat down on the sofa in the TARDIS lounge. It was an off day and she was relaxing. She turned on the TV with the remote and found the BBC channel out of the vast selection of universal programming that the TARDIS offered. She wanted to watch Eastenders but she was shocked when she saw the Tenth Doctor on the telly instead.
"And now," a pleasant English voiceover said as the Doctor stood behind a kitchen counter, "it's time for another episode of TARDIS Titbits with your host, the Doctor."
"No way," Rose said, setting the remote down on the sofa beside her. "The Doctor has his own program?"
"Welcome, gentle viewers," the Doctor said as he stood behind the counter. "Once again, it's time for TARDIS Titbits. I'm your host, the Doctor, and today's culinary offering is Ticklebocker Tartar. So let's begin, shall we?"
Rose watched intently as the Doctor put a large pot, a large knife and a burlap sack on the counter in front of him.
"First, we prepare the Ticklebocker," the Doctor said to the camera.
He nudged the sack and Rose's eyes widened when something began to writhe and snort inside it. To her even greater shock, the Doctor seized the knife and plunged it again and again into the bag while screaming, "DIE, DIE, DIE!" over and over as he stabbed the creature repeatedly.
The creature let out one more snort, fell silent and the sack stopped moving. The Doctor withdrew the knife, now stained with green blood, and calmly laid it back on the counter beside the pot.
"There, the creature is dispatched," he said pleasantly. "And now we put it in the pot."
Rose watched while he untied the sack and put the end of it in the pot. To her irritation, the thing went into the pot from the sack and she didn't get a look at what it was. The Doctor threw the sack off camera and took the pot over to a large sink.
"And now we fill the pot with water," he said over his shoulder while he turned on the tap.
He turned off the tap and the camera followed him to a stove. He put the pot on the front burner and turned the gas on.
"And now we let it boil for two hours until the Ticklebocker's skin turns a nice, healthy red," the Doctor said, turning to the camera. "And now while we let it cook, a short film starring me."
Rose blinked when the scene changed from the kitchen to The Bates Hotel. She watched the black and white film, wondering what the hell was going on. She could see Norman Bates's house on the hill behind the Bates Hotel but so far nothing was happening. Then suddenly, the TARDIS materialized in front of it and Rose watched in disbelief while the Doctor stepped out of his ship, holding a black briefcase in his hand. The camera followed him as he walked up to the manager's office and knocked on the door…
The Doctor peered through the pane of glass in the old wooden door but the office was dark and empty. He looked around for any signs of life then walked to the edge of the porch and looked up at the old house.
"HEY, I WANT SOME SERVICE HERE!" he screamed.
A light came on in the front window of the house and the front door opened…
Rose was shocked when she saw herself walking down the steps of the Bates house.
"The hell?" Rose said while TV Rose hurried down the steps towards the Doctor…
"Can I help you?" TV Rose said to the Doctor.
"Yes, I would like a room for the night. I'm shagged out after stealing a monumental amount of money from my place of work and swanning off before anyone notices."
"Well, come inside then," TV Rose said, stepping lightly onto the porch.
Rose watched while TV Rose unlocked the door and they went inside. The Doctor followed her and Rose's eyes bulged when the camera suddenly zoomed in to her ass and filmed it while she walked behind the desk. Then the camera stayed on her ass, even though TV Rose was talking to the Doctor about rooms being available. Then her mouth dropped open when the camera went up to her breasts, then down to her ass, then up to her breasts and kept going back and forth while she listened to herself giving the Doctor cabin one for the night. Then the scene suddenly shifted and the camera was off her ass and into the bathroom while the Doctor started undressing. Rose raised her eyebrows when the Doctor's body suddenly fuzzed up the moment any bare skin was revealed.
"Wait, the camera showed off my arse and tits but the Doctor gets privacy?" Rose said to herself while the fuzzed out Doctor undressed.
He got in the shower and slid the shower curtain shut. Rose watched while he turned on the shower and held his hand under it, testing the water. She noticed from the neck down his body was still fuzzed out and an angry sigh escaped from her nose before she muttered something about killing the Doctor when she saw him.
Then she was shocked when the Doctor began to dance around the bathtub, singing some unfamiliar Korean song while he mimed riding a horse. The camera switched angles and she saw the door slowly opening through the opaque shower curtain while the Doctor pranced back and forth and sang loudly in Korean. While he was making a complete ass of himself, someone came into the room. The figure paused in front of the shower curtain while the Doctor danced and sang, oblivious of the danger. Then the figure drew back the curtain and the Doctor stopped in mid-prance and Rose saw herself standing there, wearing a tacky dress from the 1800's and a mangy brown wig that was tied back in a bun.
"Yes? Is this maid service?" the Doctor said to TV Rose. "I could do with fresh sheets."
TV Rose raised the knife and the Doctor shrieked like a girl while Rose began to stab him repeatedly.
"WHAT'S WRONG WITH GANGNAM STYLE? I THOUGHT IT WAS A BRILLIANT SONG!" Ten wailed while TV Rose stabbed him repeatedly. "I CAN SING SOMETHING ELSE! NOOOOOOOOOO!"
TV Rose stabbed him twenty times before hurrying out of the room. Ten stood there in shock, his back against the tiles for a moment before he slowly slid down them with a loud, annoying "SQUEEEEEEEK!"
"What's wrong with Gangnam Style?" the Doctor croaked out before he fell forward and his face hit the floor.
There was a close up on his face for a moment before he suddenly started to glow. Then the glow intensified and became blinding for a moment. Then suddenly the Doctor hopped back up. Only he wasn't the Doctor. Rose watched in shock while the Doctor examined himself.
"Oh no! I'm not ginger, I'm Jack!" Jack Harkness wailed. "Damn you, proprietor of this establishment for turning me into Jack Harkness! Although…" he said, looking down at his crotch off camera, "there are advantages to being Jack."
Rose blinked in shock when the scene suddenly shifted back to the kitchen.
"And the Ticklebocker is finished," he said to the camera while he picked up the pot with pot holders and took it to the sink. "My, my, it looks positively nummy!"
"Okay, had enough of this," Rose said, getting up and walking out of the room.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
The Doctor was whistling to himself while he sat on the jump seat.
"Okay, what's with the cookery program?" Rose said as she came into the room.
"What's with what?" the Doctor said, watching while she walked over to him.
"TARDIS Titbits," Rose said, stepping in front of him and putting her hands on her hips.
"I'm sorry?" the Doctor said, confused.
"Your cookery program. TARDIS Titbits, what's with it?"
"What cookery program? I'm sitting here, thinking," the Doctor said, confused.
"You have a program on the telly called TARDIS Titbits. You were cooking something and then it switched to this rubbish version of Psycho where the camera kept filming my arse and tits and then I stabbed you and you turned into Jack."
"What?" the Doctor said, staring at her. "Rose, are you feeling alright?"
"I…"
Rose hesitated when she saw the confused look on his face.
"I saw it," she said. "Honestly, you were on the telly cooking something and then there was Psycho, only I was Norman Bates and I stabbed you and…"
She trailed off when she saw the odd look on the Doctor's face.
"Rose, I think you should have a lie down," the Doctor said. "You're not making any sense. I don't have a cookery program and I've never been in Psycho and I've certainly never regenerated into Jack Harkness. It's just me sitting here."
"Yeah, I suppose you're right," Rose said, putting her hand to her head. "Maybe I do need a kip. I'm hallucinating things."
"I think so, Rose. Just have a lie down and everything will be alright," the Doctor said, getting up and patting her shoulder.
Rose nodded. The Doctor watched while she walked out of the room before he giggled to himself.
"Ah, I'm a bastard sometimes but it was worth fooling Rose with my cobbled together telly program," he said to himself as he sat back down on his jump seat. "I'll have to remember to do that again in future and confuse her some more. Maybe I'll fake a porn film next or something really outrageous just to see what Rose will do."