Chapter Five

River let out a contented sigh as she settled down onto the sofa in the TARDIS lounge. She'd been spending some time with the Doctor and they were going to go out to eat. The Doctor told her he needed to shower and River decided to wait for him and watch a bit of TV. She found a magazine on the coffee table in front of the sofa and flipped through it while she used the remote to turn on the TV. She didn't check what channel the TV was on and didn't really care since she was waiting for the Doctor to come back.

"Bow ties are cool!"

River jerked her head up when she heard her lover's voice coming from the TV. Her eyes boggled when she saw the Doctor dancing down a dark corridor wearing nothing except leather trousers and a black bow tie. The music he was dancing to was techno but as he danced he began to rap to the beat of the song.

"My name's the Doctor, I'm a Time Lord. I'm super cool but I do get bored. I like to travel but I'm no fool. I'll say it again, bow ties are cool!"

"What the hell?" River said as she watched the screen.

The Doctor emerged from the corridor into a darkened room that was filled with scantily clad men and women, all dancing and grinding to the beat while the Doctor shimmed into the midst of them. Her eyes nearly popped out of her head when she saw her parents danced up to the Doctor and dance around him. Both of them were dressed in sexy leather outfits and both of the shook their asses while the Doctor continued to rap about bow ties.

"Bow ties are cool," he rapped as the men and women bumped and grinded around them. "Bow ties are cool. Don't need to go to school to know bow ties are cool."

"When the hell did this happen?" River said to herself. "And how did he get my parents to go along with it?"

The music video ended and River was even more shocked when the next thing she saw was her lover's head on the screen with DTV under it in big white letters.

"That was the latest music video from the Doctor," a male voiceover said. "And next up on Doctor Television, The Blob starring the Doctor."

"The Doctor has his own TV channel?" River said in disbelief.

She settled back against the back of the sofa, watching the film. There was violin music playing while she watched a red title screen with THE BLOB on it in white letters that slowly ran down the screen and dissolved into nothing.

STARRING THE DOCTOR
WITH AMY POND
AND RORY WILLIAMS

River was dumbfounded but she kept watching, wondering what the film was like. After the credits, she watched while her parents were inside a car as it drove along a road on a rainy night. Rory was driving while Amy sat beside him. The wipers were going back and forth while the camera was aimed at them through the windscreen.

"Bit dreary tonight," Amy said to her husband while he drove.

"What's that?" Rory said, pointing to something out the windscreen.

Then they both screamed and the camera angle shifted and River saw a gigantic thirty foot red blob sitting in the road. She heard her parents scream as the car drove right into the blob and disappeared.

"Wow, Mum and Dad, you didn't last long," River said dryly.

"Um, I think we should have stopped and used reverse," she heard Rory say from inside the blob.

"Ya think?" Amy said.

River giggled at that. The scene changed to a laboratory. The Doctor was standing at a counter, peering into a microscope. He was wearing a lab coat in place of his jacket and there was a pair of glasses with black frames beside the microscope. Suddenly, he jerked his head up.

"GREAT GALLOPING GOBSTOPPERS! I FOUND IT!" he bellowed.

"Great galloping gobstoppers?" River muttered.

The Doctor put the glasses on his face.

"Amy, Rory, come here, I've found it!" he turned and yelled.

River sniggered when the Doctor waited…and waited and waited and waited.

"I think Mum and Dad are dead at the moment, Sweetie," River said to the TV screen while the Doctor scratched his head and turned with a confused look on his face.

"Ah well," the Doctor said with a shrug. "I must tell the world what I've discovered! To the car!"

He ran out the front door and stopped short when The Blob was right in front of him.

"Oh, hello, you're the thing I discovered," the Doctor said as The Blob pulsated in front of him. "You are trying to take over the Earth, I must stop you!"

He frowned when a blobby tendril snaked out from the mass and touched the Doctor's face lovingly.

"Now, now, there is no softening me up," the Doctor said as the tendril stroked his cheek. "I am convinced you are a threat and you will be stopped and…"

The tendril grabbed her around the waist and pulled the Doctor to the bulk of the blob. The Doctor was held there by the tendril while another tendril stroked his hair.

"Are you randy? I hate randy blobs," the Doctor said, his cheek pressed against the blob. "But your blobby self is so warm, like warm jelly. And I…I LOVE YOU, BLOB!"

River watched in disbelief as her lover began to kiss the blob and declare his love for it.

"Oh, Blob, you are my Heaven!" the Doctor yelled as the Blob slowly absorbed him. "We must get married and…"

His words cut off when the Blob completely absorbed him.

"Oh, there you are," the Doctor said inside the Blob. "I thought you lot were in the lab with me. You were in here all along? Well, you can't have my girlfriend! She's mine, MINE I TELL YOU!"

River snorted when the screen went to black and the words THE END appeared on screen.

"That was the stupidest thing I've ever seen in my life," River said.

"So, are we ready to go then?" the Doctor said as he came into the room

"What is this?" River said, standing up and pointing to the TV.

The Doctor paused and looked where she was pointing.

"That's a telly," the Doctor said to her. "I realize that Madam Kovarian probably didn't provide you with much amusement growing up but surely you know what a television is."

"No, when did you start a TV channel of your own?" River said.

"When did I what?"

"Doctor Television, I just watched a music video where you were bumping and grinding and singing about bow ties with Mum and Dad and now there was some stupid parody of The Blob film where you played some scientist that ended up falling in love with The Blob."

"What?" the Doctor said with a confused look on his face.

"Look! Right here is…"

Her mouth dropped open when she saw Emmerdale Farms was now playing.

"Oh, so you're in this one as well?" River said to the Doctor as he came up beside her.

They watched for a few moments but there was no sign of the Doctor.

"But…this was Doctor Television, it said so," River said.

"River, when would I find the time to make a television channel and put programs on it?" the Doctor said.

"I…I just watched it, I swear," River said.

The Doctor shrugged.

"I know what I saw," River muttered to him.

"Well, there's nothing we can do about it now. So do you want to stay here and figure it out or go out for dinner?"

"No, I'll go. But I will find out the truth about this so-called Doctor Television."

"Well, when you do, tell me your findings," the Doctor said.

River eyed him but she took his hand. The Doctor suppressed a smile as he led her out of the room.