Chapter Six

"Phew, I'm glad the Doctor is letting us have a rest," Tegan said as she and Nyssa sat on the sofa. "I'm shagged out and I could do with a bit of telly right now."

"Are you sure it's alright?" Nyssa said.

"Alright?" Tegan said.

"To sit here and watch telly," Nyssa said.

"I suppose so. The Doctor went to the Zero Room to relax and he didn't say we couldn't. I don't feel like doing anything else at the moment so I'm going to watch telly."

Tegan picked up the remote and turned it on.

"Next on the BBC," the voiceover said, "it's time for another episode of Extreme Cricketing."

Tegan and Nyssa's eyes widened when the program started and they saw the Fifth Doctor standing on a cricket pitch.

"Good day, gentle viewers," the Doctor said. "And welcome to another episode of Extreme Cricketing."

"What the hell?" Tegan said.

"The Doctor has his own television program?" Nyssa said to Tegan.

"I…I suppose so but…when does he find the time to film it?" Tegan said.

"Now normally I find cricket a very dull game indeed," the Doctor said, hefting the bat in his hands. "Which is why I invented my own version. I based part of it on American baseball. Who needs to roll the ball when I can use the bat like an American bat and knock down the wickets that way. Observe!"

"What?" Tegan said when the scene switched to a game in progress. The Doctor was in the forefront while a man guarded the wickets. Tegan's eyes boggled when the Doctor threw up the cricket ball and used the cricket bat to smack it at the man. The Doctor laughed hysterically when the man had to dodge before the ball went into his crotch. Then the Doctor held the bat over his head and chased the terrified man all over the pitch. This went on for a minute and then the scene switched back to the Doctor as he was before, by himself and calm.

"You see, my version is much more exciting," the Doctor said.

"And dangerous," Nyssa said.

"And using my method, I never lose," the Doctor said haughtily.

"Yeah, because you beat the hell out of the other players," Tegan said.

They were shocked when the program ended abruptly.

"That's it?" Nyssa said.

"Apparently, that's all there is to Extreme Cricketing," Tegan said with a shrug.

"That was Extreme Cricketing," the BBC announcer said. "And now it's time for another episode of Eastenders."

"Good, I love this program," Tegan said to Nyssa.

But to their surprise, the next scene showed the Doctor sitting in a living room.

"He's on Eastenders as well?" Nyssa said to Tegan.

"No, Nyssa, the git isn't on Eastenders. Something is wrong here," Tegan said with an angry sigh.

The Doctor was relaxing and watching TV as the scene played out. Suddenly the door behind him opened and there was a dramatic chord as the Fourth Doctor came into the room.

"Doctor?" Tegan and Nyssa said in unison.

"How is the Doctor's other life in this program?" Nyssa said to Tegan.

"I haven't the foggiest," Tegan said, shaking her head.

The Fifth Doctor leapt up from seat.

"What are you doing here?" he said to Four.

"I'm afraid I have disturbing news," Four said. "I'm pregnant with your child."

There was another dramatic chord as the camera zoomed in on Five's face.

"Can the Doctor become pregnant?" Nyssa said to Tegan.

"How should I know?" Tegan said to her. "I'm still trying to figure out how he landed up on Eastenders."

"How can this be?" Five said to Four. "I used contraception."

"I poked a hole in it with a pin," Four said, coming closer to him.

"Why would you do a thing like that?" Five said.

"Because…I want your child," Four said dramatically.

Tegan and Nyssa were speechless as they stared at the TV.

"You must get an abortion then," Five said, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Never! I will never get rid of our love child!" Four said haughtily.

"Okay, where's the Doctor, I have to talk to him about this," Tegan said, looking around.

"You will abort the baby and do it now!" Five said menacingly as he walked towards his younger self. "You are too young to have a child."

"I will have it and no one can stop me!"

He turn and fled out of the room to the tune of another dramatic chord and slammed the door shut. Then the camera focused in on the Doctor's face.

"We shall see who will stop who," Five said dramatically.

"Wow, this is intense, I have to say," Tegan said while they watched.

The scene changed to a country road and Tegan and Nyssa blinked when they saw the Doctor driving a red Honda down the road.

"Why didn't he just take his TARDIS?" Nyssa asked Tegan.

"Maybe because you can't drive one while you're pregnant?" Tegan said dryly.

"He can't tell me what to do! I'm keeping this baby!" Four said as he drove.

Then his eyes bulged and Tegan and Nyssa heard a roar off camera. Four began to scream and the camera angle changed and they watched while an enormous rubber T-Rex let out another roar, bent down and swallowed the car while Four let out a prolonged scream of terror. Then the camera cut back to Five who was sitting in his chair with a smirk on his face.

"I told you I would stop you," Five said dramatically.

"Okay, I've seen enough," Tegan said, getting up from the sofa. "Come on, Nyssa, let's find the Doctor and get an explanation."

Five sighed contentedly. He'd just gotten back from the Zero Room and he was feeling better, more refreshed. He was standing by the console, trying to think of somewhere to go when his companions burst into the room.

"Okay, what's going on here?" Tegan said to him.

"I'm sorry?" the Doctor said.

"We were watching the telly and you were on it," Tegan said.

"I was?" the Doctor said. "Doing what?"

"Playing extreme cricketing," Nyssa said.

"Yeah and you were on Eastenders with your other self," Tegan said.

"What? What other self," the Doctor said.

"Your other self, the one before you," Tegan said, poking his chest. "He was having your baby and you killed him with a fake dinosaur because he wouldn't abort it."

Tegan coughed nervously when she realized how stupid that sounded after the Doctor gave her a dumbfounded look.

"Well, it was Eastenders," Tegan said. "But you were on there and so was your other self and you played extreme cricketing and you hit people with the cricket ball and bat and chased this bloke around the pitch, trying to kill him."

"Okay, come with me," Five said, putting his hands on his companion's shoulders.

"Why?" Tegan said.

"Because you're hallucinating and I want to test you to make sure the TARDIS is free of hallucinogenic gas."

"We didn't inhale any gas, we saw you!" Tegan protested.

"Tegan, when would I have the time to appear on Eastenders? And play cricket? We're usually together, aren't we?"

Tegan and Nyssa looked at each other.

"Well, you do stay awake while we sleep," Tegan said weakly.

"And you think I spend those hours when you're asleep filming fake soap opera plots with my former selves?"

"It was real though, we saw it," Nyssa said.

"Nyssa, some gasses can make you hallucinate things and they seem real. That's why I want to test you and make sure you're alright," the Doctor said.

"Well, it did seem ridiculous," Tegan admitted. "Maybe we were gassed."

"Yeah, I suppose you're right," Nyssa said.

"Thank you. Now come with me to the lab and we'll test you."

Tegan and Nyssa turned and the Doctor bit his lip, holding his laughter in while he followed them out of the room.