Chapter Seven
The Doctor isn't the only one who likes pranks. Sometimes the TARDIS gets in on the act. After all, she's stationary and gets bored easily since she can't go out and have adventures like the Doctor can. So once in awhile she takes the mickey out of the Doctor and his companions.
Case in point…
The TARDIS has the ability to go into the minds of people and translate foreign language into something the person can understand. But the TARDIS can also fudge that a bit and make someone hear something totally different from what the person is saying. Here now is an example of that.
Amy and Rory come down the stairs into the console room. The Doctor is standing by the monitor. He has just found a destination for them. The Ponds come up to him and he turns around and faces them and says…
"I found the perfect destination. A resort moon near the planet Denarius. It's got a large hotel, swimming pool, tennis court and nightclubs. And it has tours to the surrounding areas. I thought we could do with a bit of a holiday, what do you think?"
He frowned when the Ponds merely stared at him in shock. Unbeknownst to the Doctor, the TARDIS impishly muted his speech and projected his voice into their minds, making them think they heard him but this is how the TARDIS translated the above paragraph to the Ponds…
"I'm bored, kiddies, so here's what I'm gonna do. I'm thinking about taking a bicycle pump and shoving the hose up my anus and inflating my buttcheeks because I don't think my bum is big enough. What do you think?"
Now you can understand Amy and Rory's shock. Amy then said this to the Doctor…
"Doctor, what the hell are you on about?"
But the TARDIS muted her words and got into the Doctor's head and translated the above sentence to this…
"Doctor, I have massive tits that bounce around like footballs."
So the Doctor stared back at her, trying not to look at her breasts.
"Why are you telling me that?" said the Doctor, which the TARDIS translated to, "Fleener flippidy flop floopa floopa floo."
"What?" Rory said, which the TARDIS translated as, "I'm a tart and I have to fart."
"You a what and you have to do what?" the Doctor said, which the TARDIS translated as, "I'm a kangaroo, flippidy dippidy doo."
By now, everyone was staring at everyone in silent shock, completely confused while the TARDIS had a private giggle.
"Look," the Doctor said. "I'm not sure what you mean by that, I'm just trying to suggest a fun place for us to go to," which the TARDIS translated as "I'm a cartoon character with a chin that's so sharp it can cut through glass."
"Doctor, will you please say something sane?" Amy said, which the TARDIS translated as "I'm a ginger with a hem line so high, you can see my hair and I don't mean on my head."
Now the Doctor was trying not to look at her miniskirt while Amy and Rory stared at him in confusion.
"Okay, wait, let's stop talking for a moment," the Doctor said, which the TARDIS correctly translated.
"Fine," Amy said, which the TARDIS also correctly translated.
The Doctor paused a moment and then said…
"First off, I was trying to suggest a nice place for a holiday so why are you banging on about your breasts and hemline? That makes no sense," which the TARDIS translated as a series of Howler Monkey hooting noises and shrieks.
Amy and Rory glanced at each other and Amy shook her head.
"I think I'm going back to my room now," Amy said, which the TARDIS translated to, "I think I'm going to lay Rory across the console and jump his bones."
"Over my dead body," the Doctor replied which the TARDIS translated as, "I like bonking dead bodies."
He frowned when Amy and Rory showed disgust at that. The Doctor was about to ask them what was going on and why there were making faces like that when the TARDIS finally decided to cut in and explain before the three of them ended up being angry at each other for the rest of the day. The Doctor held up his finger when the TARDIS thought to him and told him what he was doing. When she was finished, the Doctor looked at the ceiling with a withering look on his face while the TARDIS grumbled out laughter.
"I know what's going on here," the Doctor said which the TARDIS let Amy and Rory hear correctly.
"What?"
"My ship is bored and needs a swift kick in her organic arse," the Doctor said.
The TARDIS grumbled out laughter while the Doctor hurriedly explained to the Ponds what happened and why his ship sometimes needed to relieve her boredom. The TARDIS gave her lover's mind a fond little psychic pat when he finished his explanation and told the Ponds again what he had said in the first place.