Have you ever had the only person you've ever loved forget that you exist?
I'm sure most of you are nodding, probably thinking about how quickly life changes. How one moment the person you thought you'd spend your life with suddenly goes on like what you shared meant nothing.
You'd be right to say you knew this feeling, but you'd also be wrong.
What hurts worse? Knowing someone willfully chose to forget you, or knowing it was out of their control? And if the latter is the case; does it hurt worse that their choice was taken or that you were so forgettable in the first place?
Have you ever felt relief at having been forgotten? Have you ever wanted peace so badly that you made a wish you'd instantly regretted?
Why can't she just leave me in peace?
Can't she see how hard this is for me?
And when your wish was finally granted you begged god, or whoever was out there to undo it. You begged a higher power to restore her memories, even the painful ones. Because a world where she didn't know you existed was a different kind of agony altogether.
Your love was so great that a part of you expected her to recognize it even now, and seeing the unfamiliarity in her eyes that night made your entire world collapse.
You'd wanted this, hadn't you? You'd craved her ignorance.
But watching her fall through three stories had made you realize what she'd been trying to tell you all along. Life meant nothing without her forgiveness, without her acceptance. Something she'd granted you long ago.
Watching her fall, hearing the sickening crack of her skull as her head bounced against the pavement filled you with the strongest fear you had ever experienced.
You'd rushed to her side, leaving your charge completely vulnerable. You'd carried her, running blindly towards the infirmary. You'd stayed by her bedside for days, hearing the doctors muttering words like 'severe head trauma', absolutely sick with worry.
When she finally opened her eyes and asked who you were, you thought perhaps she was just disoriented. When she'd asked you if you were the doctor you grew worried.
The doctor reassured us that loss of memory was common in cases of severe head trauma.
When your best friend tried to fix you unsuccessfully the doctor informed us that there was nothing for her to fix. Physically she was fine, memories were a tricky thing. She could recover her memories tomorrow, in a couple of months, years from now, or never.
You mourned her blank expression towards you, how easily she'd accepted that you were nothing more than her mentor.
And as days turned to months you watched her fall in love with another. Someone completely unworthy of her.
And how could you tell her the truth? How could you tell her that not only had you hurt her in Russia, you'd also hurt her with the worst four words imaginable? Even if she calmly listened and believed you, how angry would she feel knowing how you'd omitted the truth for this long?
You'd taken the role of her mentor in life over these last few months. It was almost like a godly punishment having the woman you love come to you in tears over another.
"I love him," She'd cried to you.
You'd known she loved him, and yet it was something entirely different hearing her admittance.
"Come back with me to Russia," You'd offered, "Take a vacation, get some space."
You'd taken her silence as rejection. Why would she leave the country with someone she only knew in her mind for a couple of months?
"You can take someone you trust," you'd offered, hoping she'd reconsider.
"I trust you, I don't need anyone else."
And for the first time in months an involuntary smile broke out on your face. Trust was one step closer to helping her find her way back to you.
And you were done playing fair, you'd take any anger her returned memories would cause.
One thing was for sure, you could not go on in a world where she didn't know how special she was to you. A world where she didn't realize how she deserved to be loved.